Why Me? Wrong Answers to Abuse Recovery Questions


abuse and mental health recovery

Why Me?

I read the following quote on twitter and it really bugged me: If a person who went through domestic violence asks you “Why me?” then answer; “you’ve been put on this Earth to help others who went through the same thing.”

I think not.

This ticks me off because I used to believe this kind of thing; I accepted it as the truth, but today I see it for the skewed way of thinking that it is. If I believe this saying, then I have to believe that there was some grand plan for my life that included me being mistreated, abused, invalidated and devalued. If I believed this then I would believe that abuse is and mistreatment is for character building and actually has a place in our world.

I was not abused because the universe, fate, God or some other higher power had some amazing plan for my life. A plan that included me being beaten down and squished, devalued, mistreated, abused and invalidated for the first 40 or so years of my life, so that I could emerge from the rubble, bleeding and broken and become this fantastic encouragement to the world and make a huge difference.  I think not.

I can use my adversities and the struggles that I had to overcome to encourage others, yes, but that isn’t why they happened. We all want the answer to the question “why did this happen to me?” The answer that this was so that we can use our adversity to help others ~ is just the best answer many of us can come up with, but I often think that the reason we come up with that answer is because we don’t want to look at the real answer. People, sick people, abused us psychologically, mentally and emotionally, physically, or sexually ~ the point isn’t how it happened; the point is that it did happen. Sometimes these people were our parents, OR we are afraid to look at the possibility that our parents knew something was wrong and didn’t do anything about it or didn’t look farther into it. The truth will set you free, but we are deathly afraid of it. Some of us were beaten and lived in horrific situations of domestic violence, often daily. Even witnessing abuse is terribly traumatic. I can’t believe that this was “meant to be”.

Some of us were sexually abused and physically abused and completely invalidated in our own homes by people we trusted, people that were supposed to take care of us and we lived in fear, guilt, shame and confusion.  Others of us suffered sexual abuse by a neighbor, an uncle, aunt or grandparent, and we were coerced into not telling. I can’t accept that this is because God had a plan to use that situation to better the rest of the world in the future. That would be almost as bad as the abuse itself.

Some of us were called stupid, selfish, useless, ugly and all other manner of abusive and devaluing statements against our personhood. Some of us were told called liars, trouble makers, and told that our feelings were “wrong”. ~ do you really want to accept that this was “all God’s plan” for your life? What kind of God would organize the world that way? No wonder there is so much controversy about God. No wonder people hate the very concept of a God. But it isn’t God that decided this would be the way, it is Man who blames God for the outcome of the world.

All of these types of abuse ~ physical abuse and domestic violence, sexual abuse and psychological abuse, and even witnessing any of these kinds of abuse attack us at the core of who we are. They rip away at our individuality and our personhood; they force us to try and deal with things we have no way to comprehend how to deal with; they tear down our chances of productivity and cause damage that we so often don’t realize was the cause as we grow up in years, resulting in depressions, physical illness, mental breakdowns and mental health problems, low self esteem, failure to thrive in life, oh the list goes on.

Every so often I go on a rant. This was one of those times. Thank you for reading; I would love to hear your comments!

Exposing Truth, one snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet

106 response to "Why Me? Wrong Answers to Abuse Recovery Questions"

  1. By: Debbie Posted: 30th September 2012

    I don’t believe God would ever want any of His children to suffer in any way…but when we do..I believe He is there to help bring us through it. If I didn’t have His words teaching me how to forgive I would still be all consumed by the anger of my abuse…I was at that point..consumed with the why me? what had I done to deserve this over and over again..The negativity was like a slow death.. That only destroys me ..noone else..I was helping satan to defeat me..what sense did that make? if it weren’t for Him, we wouldn’t have the people in our lives that He has given us to lean on and share with..just like this blog..helping each other get through the tragedies life can bring. God hurts when we hurt..and has showed me many times that He is with me and will help see me through the storms. Is God to blame for my heartaches..NO…He is who picked me up and gave me strength and courage to face the next one. I certainly couldn’t have made it through all of this on my own. He carried me. Have I been angry about what I have been through..you bet..but God has helped release the anger..release me from the bondage that satan would like to keep me in to make me feel unloved,and uncared for…God reached out His hand to me..and shouted I LOVE YOU. We are all imperfect people..my sins are no less or greater than those that hurt me..if I can reach into the hardest places to forgive the most hurtful scarring things and let God have control of those damaging wounds..it has two positive effects..first..I relinquish the control satan has over me..taking away all the negativity and freeing me to live a much happier life..and second..giving me the knowledge that if I can’t forgive those who have sinned..how can I expect God to forgive me of my own. This doesn’t mean to stay in relationships with those who are hurting you..it just means to try to not carry it with you when you go..give it to God. It wasn’t an easy step to take ..by any means..when my life seemed so out of control…the last thing I wanted to do was give up control..but the second I did..when I reached the point of not knowing how to handle another heartache..God spoke to me somehow..and I laid it down at His feet..and I have never felt more love and more free from it all. God never intended for any of us to hurt this way..but He WILL ease the pain. Much love to you all.

  2. By: Dawn Posted: 3rd September 2012

    Because of the dysfunction in my family, my siblings and I have had a very difficult time getting along. Both parents are deceased and have been for some time now. It felt as though we were orphaned. I am the only one who decided to seek therapy because I wanted to deal with my past abuse and learn to live a happy and fulfilling life. For years I endured verbal assaults from my sister who is 3 years younger than I. She was cruel to me and my children. We never knew when she was going to rage. I was very weak and could not fight back. If I tried to speak during one of her rages, she would stop me and make me feel that I was the worst person on this earth. Everyone feels sorry for her because my father beat her, etc. She has used her abuse to become very manipulative and hateful, especially toward me and my children.

    We recently started having a sister relationship that lasted for about two years. She brought up an issue from the past so I told her why it happened. The anger that I thought was gone in her spewed out into self pity and blame. She is angry with me now and has blown me off. She says I live in the past and she does not want to talk about it. I was very kind to her and did not raise my voice. I thought it was a good opportunity to talk about it, since she kept bringing it up. It has to be on her terms only.

    I took this opportunity to be thankful that I reconnected with her. I finally saw the truth that I just could not face before. In a lot of ways she is still the same person and refuses to take responsibility for her feelings and actions. She wants to sugar coat everything and pretend nothing happened. I walked away a stronger and better person knowing that I don’t have to take her abuse anymore and that I did try to work on our relationship.

    I’m realizing now that some times your friends and other relatives can take the place of that longing I so wanted for my brothers and sister. I can now accept that dark side of my sister and realize it’s not me anymore. I tried and it didn’t work for me.

    Thank you Darlene for having this blog. It feels good to write this.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 4th September 2012

      Hi Dawn
      Yes exactly, and I found out that I could fill that longing for myself. I could fill the void. It it a tough road but it really is worth it.
      And yes, it does feel good to get it out!
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Kimberly Posted: 3rd September 2012

    Great post darlene! I was actually once told once that in a past life I must of been an abuser and I was now getting payback…what a sick statement.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd September 2012

      Hi Kimberly!
      WOW. I have heard similar things like that but never one that disgusting! What a sick belief that is!
      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Mimi Posted: 7th July 2012

    You are not alone. My sisters and I, all in our 40s, just discovering all the “crap” in our immediate family. And, we have each said how stupid we feel for buying into it for so many years. For me it was because I loved my mom. She also designed it from birth such that we would never question her integrity or motives. She is very sneaky. And, of course, we wanted to believe she loved us. She did provide food, clothing, warm beds. That’s it. When you know nothing else, it’s what you think is love. That’s been my experience with uncovering the truth in my mother anyway. The spiritual abuse ~ I think it’s rampant. People go and smile, pretend, act loving…. then curse others who cut them off on the way home, fight with family members, abuse, etc. It stinks!! i recognize it more readily all the time, and that’s a double edged sword.

    Hope you find as much insight here as I have.
    Peace and hope,

  5. By: Karen Ranes Posted: 7th July 2012

    The rant and all comments were very interesting. Thank you for
    pointingme there. I have never thought why did this happen to me?
    I was taught never to question. I have always known even very
    young maybe 6 yrs that my father was an angry violent demanding
    controling man. I had to accept everything without question. Also
    there was no talking about abuse to anyone. So I see clearly
    who did this to me and knowing his upbringing by my nasty evil
    grandparents I know why. So thats straight with me. My sticking
    point is/was … why for 40 more years did I try to get my parents approval?
    I now understand the obedience and compliance brainwashing
    but it still makes me feel very stupid.
    He was a devoted Catholic. Went to church every sunday then
    went home and beat his wife and children. He MADE me be
    a good Catholic girl and forced it on me. It was all fake and
    for appearances. I never blamed God but it turned me off
    church for years. It was made part of my false system. Lynda’s
    story made me cry and I felt very angry thoughts of the
    step mom who said such things to the son about the babys death.
    Because of all the fake holier than thou behavior in my family that
    would never wash with me. I guess my upbringing gives me that insight.
    Thanks again for sharing your life here. Its made a difference for me
    already. Karen Ranes

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th July 2012

      Hi Karen
      I am so glad that this is making a difference for you! That is my entire motivation for having this website; to make a difference.
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Alice Posted: 1st July 2012

    Yes. It is easy for me to blame myself, and feel guilty for my warrented feelings. My abusers raised me to believe that I had to right to my emotions or feelings (among others things). I have a lot of trauma and anger to work through, letting myself do it seems to be the hardest part. Thank you for the support.

  7. By: Alice Posted: 1st July 2012

    Also, I am not religious (just open minded), and I understand the context of free will and not blaming God for child abuse. If we didn’t have free will, life would be a giant communist world of not thinking for ourselves. We all have the freedom as human beings to choose what we what to do with our own lives and deal with the consequenses of our choices, good or bad. My abusers chose to abuse me, not God, or a God, or some supernatural being, it was humans, almost evil human beings, who chose to be that way in their own fears and hatred. It is also my choice to learn from it, to move on, or stay perpetually angry about it.

    I think I needed to write that, thank you 🙂

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st July 2012

      Hi Alice!
      Thank you for your comments! I think that we have a right to be bitter for a while. We were abused as powerless children. I think that validating that point is the biggest thing that helped me to move forward. I had to give myself permission to be hurt, bitter, angry, etc. before I could overcome!
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Alice Posted: 1st July 2012

    I agree with this article, and it reminds me of the saying that goes something like “the best students get the hardests test” when referring to coping with past child abuse. Says who? Maybe I’m just bitter, and I know I have a really long way to go in my recovery, but I found this just as patronizing and insulting.

  9. By: Dawn Posted: 13th June 2012

    My only comment is that I don’t believe that God had anything to do with my being abused. I do believe, however, that with my Faith,healing and the therapy I have received, I have made a choice to use my experiences to help others, and only if I choose to do it.

    I don’t blame God and I don’t blame anyone. Forgiveness is not easy and I have my days when those memories haunt me. I have chosen to be grateful everyday for what I have and not to focus on the negative. Life is too short.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th June 2012

      Hi Dawn
      I don’t believe that God had anything to do with my being abused either. I do place the blame for my abuse on those who abused me. Doing that has been a major part of my recovery and enabled to let go of the negative and live a full and amazing life today and has made gratitude so much easier too!
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Dawn Posted: 31st May 2012

    Seriously, that is such sick thinking. Especially from someone who has no idea what they are talking about. I mean really! Not even a strong Christian, if they knew anything about God, would say that about abuse! First of all it is not “in” God to PLAN ill will to anyone! People seem to forget that once God set the world into motion he gave us freewill unlike the Angels. He wanted people to love and worship him because they wanted to not because he “willed” them to. One must also remember that because of that freewill we are no born with a “sinful” nature having to search for God and accept the redemption he has provided us through His Son Jesus Christ. Now, put all this knowledge together and you will come up with why abuse happens. Because people are inherently evil and if they do not give themselves to Christ “they have not the Love of the Father in them”. They will do evil things and that’s EXACTLY what abuse is. It is an evil act against any living thing be it animal or human being. Whey did it happen to “me”. Cause the people whom I lived with saw fit to live like that and I was caught in the crossfire. Pretty simple really. Doesn’t have anything to do with it being God’s will that I suffered.
    However, what I choose to do with that experience, that’s a whole different story. God’s grace is sufficient for me! His LOVE can help me live a full life after such an experience. It’s what I choose to do that either makes me or breaks me, am I Victor or Victim?
    What causes me such deep grief is that the best meaning Christians so easily make these hurtful comments about “God’s Will” without ever truly checking out the logistics of the entire concept of God’s Will, God’s Love, & how He’s set it up in His world of FreeWill!!!!!

  11. By: Mimi Posted: 24th May 2012

    Kel W,
    I have heard your questions before by hurting people. It’s not something that has plagued my mind personally, but I know lots of people suffer in many different ways and wonder why God didn’t stop it. In my own mind I feel like we live in a fallen world, and like Darlene said, we were given free will. Adam and Eve abused the freedom and set the stage for what we now know as sin, and sinful human nature.

    One thing I don’t understand, is why God allows kids to suffer in pain from cancer and the like. Something that no human gave the child, or inflicted upon the child. I don’t know the answer. Sometimes I wonder if it’s allowed by God, in order to transform the parents or other close people. Would He really go that far to save the souls of loved ones? Then I’m reminded that I simply don’t have the answer.

    I hope you feel some measure peace in your heart soon. It IS painful to go through all you’ve been through. I hope you come back here and let it all out!!
    With hope,

  12. By: Kel W Posted: 24th May 2012

    The part I struggle with is that if my abuse over 36 years at the hands of my parents and several “partners” wasn’t part of God’s plan…then why didn’t He stop it? Why didn’t He bring loving people in to my life to help me out of that nightmare when I was an infant/toddler? Why didn’t He prompt my teachers to listen to me each time I reported what my mother was doing to me as a child? Why didn’t He prevent me from bringing 4 beautiful children in to this world so they wouldn’t have to suffer at the hands of abusive fathers?


    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th May 2012

      Hi Kel
      Welcome to emerging from broken. I came to understand that abuse has nothing to do with “God’s choice” and that he gave man free will. I think that God is broken hearted that people choose to use their free will in this way. I am so sorry that all of this abuse happened to you. I am glad that you are here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Mimi Posted: 17th February 2012

    Hi everyone!
    Although I’ve never really been plagued with the “why me” question, I have heard this response in Christian circles before. I was never physically or sexually abused, so perhaps that’s the reason I didn’t wonder “why me”. Also, anytime my mother’s abuse was pointed directly AT me, I didn’t have to ask “why me”. I already knew. It was because I was a total F**K up!! She made that clear.

    In uncovering the ways of my mother’s abuse, I realized she was doing it to my sisters too; many people really. Emotional abuse, triangulation, lies, manipulation, etc. Instead of really wondering “why me”, I wonder…. “what the hell is wrong with my mother?” Now, my work comes in reversing all the crap she fed me and beginning to love myself… what a mountain to climb there!!

    When all of my mother’s crap was revealed, it happened simultaneously with my two sisters. It happened as a result of us comparing notes, and although I was the black sheep for many many years, when my sisters and I got together, I realized I wasn’t the only one who never got any affection or love, praise, compliments, encouragement, etc. I realized her belief that all she had to do was provide a roof, clothing, and food, is the way she raised my sisters as well. Even the golden child. With that information, I realized it wasn’t just me; I never really wondered “why me”, because it was all three of us. And, like I said, when it came to the brutality of being the scapegoat, I didn’t have to wonder. I already knew it was because I was crap.

    The biggest question for me re: God is, what do I do with this information now that it’s been brought to light. How does He want me to handle it? What constitutes “honor” toward my mother? Is He okay with me not having a relationship with her? In my belief, it is God who orchestrated the discoveries about my mother. Now what?? These questions continue to linger, but I’ve taken things one day at a time and allowed them to unfold without much planning. I have planned many things in the recent past, and never felt led to follow through. So, I stopped planning. I handle an event when it arises without trying to predict what I should be doing about this crazy and very strained relationship.
    Peace and love,

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th February 2012

      I had all those same questions for years. (and I got really stuck there) Today I have found many bible vs. that answer those questions for me. Christ said not to let anyone get in the way of following him. Why would parents be exempt from that? I could talk for hours about this… What is honour? How does it honour my mother if I enable her to abuse me? Is she really happy not knowing true relationship and only knowing the system of power over? Christ preached (taught) the original message of equal value. These are all the things I considered when I realized that at the base of even the things I had learned from the bible, all were put through my original false definition of love and that definition of love had to be set straight before the rest became clear.
      Hugs, Darlene

  14. By: Paul Davidson Posted: 12th February 2012

    Hello Darlene It would litrally take the book I so need to write to fully respond to this most profound question. WHY ME ?

    This is something my mind ask’s every second of my life. I just cant quite comprehend all the bad thing’s that has happened to me.

    On my life journey I found the most amazing Chaplin. we had many a chat to help make sense of what was going on in my life. He said some very special words to me (For every action there will be a reaction). Einsteine I do believe. When I heard these word’s it was like an ”EURICA MOMENT”For me I could interperate these word’s with every action I have encountered and each and every reaction I and others had to others action’s. it gave my mind focus to help try and make sense of ”WHY ME”). And there was (The Inhumanity of Humanity).

    It seem’s to me I was born unlucky. being in the wrong family in the wrong street in the wrong town among the wrong people at the wrong time many many times over. and I sure on many occassion’s had the wrong reaction to many an ause. At my first infant school for instance I came out alone as usual witnessed a croud milling around the police putting a dead body in to a van. as I stood alone reciting the 10 commandment’s I suddenly felt different such was my pain at this early age I felt like an alien our was I Jesus being tested by a God I did not even believe in. even now I’m wondering if a higher being is going to wake me up and say it’s O.K. Paul your test is over. you have proven mankind can endure many an abuse and still have Humanity to survive it.

    Darlene Obviously I hope My tiny little body and very young mind had no ability to comprehend the real life multiple abuses I was enduring so my mind tried desperately to avoid the real abuses and go in to it’s own little world of make believe. withdrawn from the whole world just as I am now in body. Desperately hiding from the next abuse awaiting me in the real world. The Inhumanity of many a Human.

    For now My reaction is to hide from this Inhumanity, while remotely seeking out Humanity the kind that does not hurt me no more.

    P.S. I believe I developed the symptoms of Bipolar that day. another reaction to adverse life event’s that were beyond my comprehension.

    With Care.

  15. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 9th December 2011

    Hi Beverly
    Yes, odd indeed!
    Hugs, Darlene

  16. By: Beverly Berzins Posted: 9th December 2011

    Another post I relate to thankyou, so many odd things people say in reaction to the abuse we have suffered as children. And some are very cruel and completely inappropriate.

  17. By: Sophia Posted: 18th November 2011

    One more thing that I need some clarification on, Darlene. I didn’t see the post about comparing our behavior to other primates, but I’m sure that if you removed it, there was a good reason. Even among different species of apes and monkeys, there are widely different patterns of behavior, so I would never expect human behavior to be based on what another animal might do. But in your post about it you said that we are not primates, but humans are a primate species. Many animals are capable of loving and compassionate behavior as well as hurtful behavior. Heck, humans are the only animal that goes to war against its own kind.

  18. By: Sophia Posted: 18th November 2011

    Good rant! Another phrase I despise is, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” another way of making abuse sound like something that is GOOD for you. I’ve seen plenty of times that many things that don’t kill outright can weaken or diminish a person, and this is not the victim’s fault. I also know a number of New Age people, and in addition to the “it’s your karma” line, they also love to throw in that bit about how you invited abuse into your life by negative thinking. A small child, really? I think this is another misinterpretation of “reaping what you sow.”

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 19th November 2011

      Hi Sophia
      Most of my rant posts are inspired by phrases like that! They hint that in the long run you should be grateful for having been abused like it made you a better person. YUCK.
      Thanks for your comments
      Hugs, Darlene

  19. By: Pam Posted: 18th August 2011

    Darlene, I have a different take on this…I don’t think God is mean and puts us through suffering so the we can help others who He’s mean to also. I believe that human beings do evil things to one another because they have evil in their hearts and they act upon it. God allows us free will and I’m thankful for that because I wouldn’t like being a robot. I’m thankful even if that means I have to go through a lot of evil. I also believe that God’s creation was perfect and made to last eternally until Eve and then Adam sinned by wanting to be like God. Sin came with the penalty of death because there had to be a limit to how long people could live thinking they were like God while doing evil things to one another. Death entered the entire creation through sin. I believe that God is working to correct this situation without taking away our freedom to choose. The book of Job says that God allows us to go through bad times so that we will turn back to Him. I raised my teenagers that way. When they were stubborn I gave them just enough rope to hang themselves so that they would realize why I taught them what I taught them. I have gone through all kinds of evil in my life. Things that the evil one meant for my destruction but I’m not destroyed. I’m closer to God than ever. Some of the bad things I’ve gone through have never been used to help anyone else but I do have a huge well of empathy for others because of them. I’ve had a lot of lemons in my life and I could choose to be very sour about life, I have reasons and I have that privelege. I prefer squeezing those lemons into lemonade so that I can refresh others who are still suffering as I was.

    Spiritual things are hard to discuss so people develop code words and listen for those words in others. It’s silly because none of us can have exactly the same understanding of God that another has. None of us can comprehend the full mind of God. We each have our own portion to know and God is the one who gives it to us. When I discuss my faith, I try as much as possible to use my own words or the exact words of the Bible to try and prevent confusion but it doesn’t work really. None of us even understand the same words the same way. Our communication is always imperfect. I try always, to listen to what others say their relationship with God is because they know and I don’t. When I share my faith with them, I may add a bit to what they know but I will never be able to change them and make them believe like me. They will grow at their pace and me at mine. I don’t take code words of faith very seriously but I do try to discern the intent behind them. I know people are often hurt or confused by some of the traditional things people say. I think that is because those code words get used in so many different ways for different purposes, some good and some evil. They have been used for so long that they trigger many different responses in people and their true expression was forgotten long ago.

    God is not mean to me. Quite a few people have been. God doesn’t want me to suffer from disease. I live in a world ruled by death and it is unavoidable. My belief in God doesn’t spare me any suffering, my suffering is common. However, I do have Jesus here with me in the firey furnace and one day, I’ll emmerge unscathed. In the meantime, I share my hurts to comfort and encourage others just as you do.:0)My sister who fights windmills like me!

  20. By: Yvonne Posted: 28th July 2011

    Seriously,i just got a wake up call.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th July 2011

      Hi Yvonne
      I hope that is a good thing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  21. By: Emily Posted: 31st May 2011

    Darlene, Thank you so much for this site which is so helpful.
    I hear in the Christian circles a variation, which is immediately to go to “You have a ministry now” when I have said I was sexually abused. I was in the early phase of starting to disclose my abuses and was in no way in any shape to “minister” to others. People who haven’t been through abuse are very uncomfortable, and may be well meaning but are misguided, and not aware they are jumping over numerous parts of the healing process. Thank you for your site which helps me fine tune my own thinking and opinions and thus heal. I have had these thoughts bump around in my head and have known something wasn’t quite right, but until this format was made available just couldn’t get past the blocks. Thank you again! Emily

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st May 2011

      Hi Emily,
      When you think about it, when someone states that they have been sexually abused, being told they have a ministry is ODD. Like what??
      I am so happy that you are sorting things out. My goal for this blog has been to show how I sorted it out, so that others could too. I makes my day when I know that my blog is having the desired effect! yay.
      Hugs, Darlene

  22. By: Melanie Gillon Posted: 8th May 2011

    The truth is that abuse is not useful in any way what so ever. Not for the abused, the abuser nor for God’s plan. It is not meant to be and I believe the only reason it occurs is pure evil. Oh yes, there are “excuses”, more like evil handed down through the ages. The only thing that comes of it is death, survival and/or varying degrees of recovery (or not) which are not ever fully successful. Just my opinion!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th May 2011

      I agree with you that abuse is never never useful and really only does damage!
      Glad you are here, thanks for sharing.
      Hugs, Darlene

  23. By: Lynda ~ Coming Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 29th April 2011

    Darlene ~ thank you so much for your comment about the “God’s will” rational for my grandson’s death to save him to save him from a lifetime of abuse being “a crock of crap.” Losing the grandson that my husband and I were prepared to raise ourselves, due to serious health and relationship problems with my son and daughter-in-law, was the most heartbreaking experience. But to be told that it was Gods’ doing… whew. Maddening. I believe my son’s stepmother meant well, but I also believe she was way off the mark. She’s the type who has to believe that God is orchestrating every little detail for our ultimate good, and that nothing in our lives happens by accident, or worse, by evil design (ie, as in abuse). I do understand her thinking that way, because when I was much younger, I went to a church which taught that. But then, real-life reality hit me between the eyes, and my theology had to either grow up, or crumble.

    I CAN’T WAIT for your e-book. It will go to the very top of my “Got To Buy It” list! ((HUG))


  24. By: Lynda ~ Coming Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 29th April 2011

    Darlene, thank you so much for sending out an email to call attention to this particular post. I REALLY NEEDED to read this. I agree with everything you say in this rant, 1,000%.

    As I told you, on the first of January, 2011, I made a New Year’s resolution to read through your entire blog, comments and all, starting at the very beginning of your blog. But I’ve been so busy just trying to keep up with what is currently being written and commented, that I haven’t been able to do it. SO, another New Yesr’s Resolution bites the dust.

    I still hope to go back and read more of your earlier blog posts and their comments when I can, though. I always get so much out of what I read on your blog pages.

    I have a crazy twist to the “It happened because it was God’s will” nonsense. In February 2006, my baby grandson, Kyle, died at birth. He was a perfectly healthy boy, eagerly awaited and already deeply loved. He made it to full-term, despite some early problems in my daughter-in-law’s pregnancy. But then, the unbilical cord wrapped around Kyle’s neck and strangled him to death as he was being born.

    TRAGIC beyond words. I SCREAMED, my grief for my poor little grandson who would never get to live a single day of his life, was so intense. I SCREAMED, for the heartbreaking agony my own son was going through, losing his only child on what should have been the joyful day of his birth.

    After the very sad funernal, my son’s stepmother, a fanatically religious woman, who had been struggling with the unaswerable “WHY” question, announced to the family that God had spoken to her and told her why Kyle died. “It was to prevent him from being abused,” she told my son, Kyle’s father. “God knew that if Kyle had lived, he would have gone through some horrible abuse. So, in God’s mercy, he took Kyle home.”

    My son was OUTRAGED. He called me in tears. “MOM!” he cried. “Could this be true? Did God take my son away from me because he thought I wouldn’t be able to protect him from being abused?”

    I did my best to assure my son that, in my strongest opinion, GOD had NOTHING to do with Kyle’s death. If anything, I told him, God was weeping with us while we mourned, just as Jesus wept at Lazarus’ grave.

    “What happened to our sweet Kyle was a tragic accident, the result of living in a world where both people, AND nature, have a free will,” I told my son. “If God, in his mercy, decided to kill all of the babies that he knew might be abused if they were allowed to live, then I certainly would not have lived, and many multiples of thousands of other people in the world would not have lived.”

    …..All I can do is shake my head in disbelief, that my son’s stepmother would tell him such a crazy thing ~ and actually believe it’s the truth!

    The bottom line, I think, is that people are so afraid of the unknown, they would rather believe in a farfetched lie than to admit, “I don’t know why that happened.” People are also afraid of accepting the hard reality that life really is unfair, very unpredictable, and mostly out of our control. People don’t want to believe that, in many cases, really bad things can, and DO, happen to really good and innocent people, for no reason other than it Just Happened. People want to believe in a magically charmed way of life, they want to believe that if they are good enough, and if they say the right prayers, and go to the right church, and partake in the proper rituals, then they and their loved ones will be abudantly blessed, and virtually invincible.

    When something really horrible happens that challenges their magical rub-the-lucky-rabbit-foot or rosary-charm beliefs, they can’t take it. If an innocent baby can die like that, despite all the prayers I have been praying for him to be born healthy and strong… then something really awful could happen to ME, too, depsite all my prayers for protection and all my many good works!

    Life is scary sometimes, like riding on a roller coaster with no safety harness. THAT’S the reality. But most people don’t have the courage to face that harsh reality. So they twist their brains into a knot until they have come up with some answer that makes every bad thing that ever happens, all a part of “God’s will,” intended for his ultimate good purpose, working all things together for our good… which we mortals are just too ignorant yet to see, but we will understand how all the bad things were really for our own good, “someday.”

    ULTIMATELY, this kind of thinking leads to: Blame The Victim. If God allowed it to happen to you, then you must have, in some way, deserved it. At the very least, you needed to go through your horrors in order to learn a very important lesson that you are too stubborn or sinful or ignorant to learn in any other way.

    And, I needed to be abused so I could comfort others who have been abused? What that tells me is that, once again, I am not as important, as those OTHERS who need my comfort.

    NO. That is NOT REALITY as I understand it.


    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th April 2011

      Lynda and Everyone ~
      Lynda is talking about getting this notification through the auto responder, which is a series of emails and updates mailed to your inbox. If you would like to recieve these emails, enter your email address at the little form on the upper right side of the site where it says “get updates” I have not been sending regular updates lately, but it is on my list to get back to that. When you sign up however, there will be an autoresponder series of emails that comes to your inbox regularly for several months, Plus you will be able to get the latest news when I send it!
      When you sign up for updates, don’t forget to confirm your subscription. Look for the confirmation email and follow the instructions in it. If you don’t confirm your request, I can’t add you to the data base.
      Thanks everyone!
      Hugs, Darlene

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th April 2011

      Hi Lynda
      I have heard similar stories about people telling other people that kids have died in order to save them for some tragic fate…. what a crock of crap. WOW. Thanks for sharing.

      About your New Years Resolution ~ I am about to publish an e-book and it is going to include most of my blog posts; re ordered and cleaned up a bit. You might find it easier to read it that way and you will have the option to go to the actual blog to read the comments, or not.
      Hugs, Darlene

  25. By: Edward Schline Posted: 22nd March 2011

    I bought into it too and the damaging thing for me was. Well If I suppose that the abuse was meant to happen to me then accepting this as truth meant that my perpetrator was right to do what he did to me.That was a real sticking point for me trying to believe it was supposed to happen to me and that it was a gift for me to cherish, being abused. Then I would also have to surmise that all the time I spent in my life being self destructive was for my beinfit also. Now when I hear the it was meant to be, I cringe and feel frustrated that people actually believe better people are made by such trauma. The perp would want me to believe what he did was right, I just don’t buy it like I used to.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd March 2011

      Exactly Edward,
      It is a load of bull; none of this was meant to be. I think that people say things without thinking about what they are saying. I think that those people are in a fog too. I am glad that I’m not in that fog anymore!
      Hugs, Darlene

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