When People Treat you Like you are Crazy, Stupid or Frustrating

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poster centerd rightWhen people treat you as if you are crazy, it isn’t because they think you are crazy, it is because they want YOU to think you are crazy.

When people treat you as if you are stupid, it isn’t because they think you are stupid, it is because they want YOU to think you are stupid.

Their purpose or motive for the way that they treat you is actually about what serves them much more than it is the way that they see you. These people have a motive and it isn’t a motive driven by love, it is a motive driven by the desire to have control.

Understanding this made all the difference in the world in my recovery and in overcoming the false definitions of “me” that had been put on me by abusive, uncaring, controllers and manipulators who felt entitled to treat me like I didn’t matter. The ways that I was treated by these people communicated to me that they were more important than I was. Part of the way that they convinced me of my lesser value was through the subtle or obvious messages that something was ‘missing’ or ‘wrong’ with me and with my reactions to life.

When I was a child and my teacher yelled at me saying that I wasn’t paying attention because I didn’t have the right answer, and then she rolled her eyes and added that I was such a frustrating child, I reacted by trying harder.

I didn’t like being shamed in front of the entire class. I didn’t like the disapproval that was communicated to me. I didn’t like the feeling that I was such a disappointment; as long as I was trying harder, the teacher felt like she was in control.

And as long as I was trying harder, she was in control…

Remember the kids in school who ignored the teacher and didn’t seem to be affected by the reprimands and just kept doing the things that made the teachers angry but kept the rest of the class giggling? Those kids seemed fearless. I remember being afraid for them! I didn’t even consider being one of those kids.

I hated the way she defined me as “a daydreamer” and “lazy student” and how she would say “oh what am I going to DO with you Darlene?” I would never risk being even more of a disappointment by continuing to frustrate her.

As long as I was trying harder, her actions against me were validated; if I was trying harder it proved to her that she was right. It served her purpose to define me as frustrating and difficult or lazy and exhausting. As long as I was feeling shamed and trying to please her, she knew she had the power.

People like that have their power mixed up with their worth.

It served her purpose to make me feel guilty. When I felt bad, I tried harder to please her; when I tried harder, she felt better about herself. It served her purpose to define me in ways that hurt my self-esteem because I would focus on HER and on pleasing her.

If my teacher had ever validated me (like a confident, healthy, teacher who was secure in her own self-esteem might have done) I could have relaxed and flourished in the warmth of her approval. In a healthy and functional relationship this is a wonderful thing! But in her world, I was the object of her self-esteem.

In her mind, if she had enough power to make me feel guilt or shame, then she felt better about herself.

If she could cause me to ‘try harder’ she felt worthy. She felt better by tearing me down.

And because my trying harder didn’t give her ‘real’ worth, the abuse tactics never ended. She needed a little more of this false self-esteem booster, all the time. She had to keep me in the spin of always getting me to keep looking at myself to see why I was such a disappointment to her so that she could keep feeling the little buzz she got from having that power over me.

That teacher had her power mixed up with her worth. She could only feel her own worth when she overpowered other people.

When people treat you like you are crazy, lazy or stupid think about what their motive might be. Slow down long enough to think about why they are reacting to you that way. Why would a healthy person be responding to you as though you are crazy or stupid? Think about what I have shared here and notice what tearing you down can do for them.

Do these people that constantly ask you to jump through their hoops want to empower you to be who you really are or do they want to overpower you because getting you to do what they want, be who they want and act how they want you to makes them feel some sense of worth?

Is the way that they regard you, or define you, really about you or is it about how they want YOU to feel about you?

Think about this. Oftentimes realizing the motive provides the most clarity when someone is talking down to you.

We all have power however there is a proper use of power and the proper use of power is to empower ~ NOT to overpower or disempower. The sad truth is that a lot of people who have low to no self-esteem have been taught that power IS worth and they can’t seem to let go of the need to overpower as a means to ‘proving’ to themselves that they have worth.

My mother had her power mixed up with her worth too. It would never serve her purpose to tell me how wonderful that I was. If I ever stepped out of the spin of trying to figure out how to make her love me and approve of me, I would have seen her for who SHE was and I think she knew it. I think that was her biggest fear.

Her biggest fear was that SHE would be exposed so she kept the finger of blame, shame, guilt and failure always pointed at me. As long as I was spinning around in fear, shame, guilt and failure, I would never see her for who and what she really was.

As long as I didn’t know my true value I would never see that her treatment of me was wrong and that her treatment of me only proved HER lack of self-worth.

When people treat me as if I am stupid, crazy, frustrating or as though I am less important than they are it isn’t because they think I am stupid, crazy, frustrating or less important than they are ~ it is because they want ME to think I am. As long as I am looking at me I will never look at them and as long as I am not looking at them I won’t see the pathetic person behind the abusive, controlling belittling and self-important attitude. As long as I am busy trying to prove that I am worthy, and that MY motive is NOT for harm, they have me right where they want me; under their spell.

This is one of the most important concepts to cement into your new belief system going forward in the healing journey. Please feel free to share your thoughts and discoveries or your struggles and frustrations in the comments.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time,

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken bookThe Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Related posts ~ “Why People discount the Adult Child and Defend the Abuser”

“Dealing with People who Talk Down to Me”

346 response to "When People Treat you Like you are Crazy, Stupid or Frustrating"

  1. By: Michael Mills Posted: 20th September 2017

    My apologies for re-submitting the previous “Too Busy” blog, but for people like us, this is a subject that bears repeating! Unfortunately I don’t keep track of which blogs I’ve written, and which ones I have submitted. Hopefully this time it might catch someone’s eye who missed it previously!

  2. By: Michael Mills Posted: 20th September 2017

    “Too Busy”
    Years ago, when I attended church, I noticed a disturbing pattern forming. During the service, everyone was all kissy / huggy / smiley, but as soon as the service was over, everyone reverted back to dog eat dog! On more occasions than I can even count, I have had this “kissy / huggy / smiley” crowd toss me aside like so much trash without even giving it a second thought. Time and time again I would run into these people at the grocery store. So, as a friendly gesture, I would make an effort to go up to them and say hello. But surprisingly the first thing out of their mouths was never a return hello, but simply “Oh, I don’t have time to talk to you now, I’m just too busy”. The “too busy” routine took a total of maybe ten seconds, while a simple “hello” would have taken only two seconds! (So much for “too busy”!)
    On one very infamous occasion I saw a church member at the local Albertsons, and, as you may have already guessed, it was the same old “too busy” routine again. Then, seconds after she informed me she didn’t have time to talk, another church member happened to walk in the store. The two met, greeted each other, and standing in the middle of the aisle, chatted for over ten minutes! (Gee lady, I seem to recall you saying you were “too busy” to talk!)
    One evening, after a Bible study, we took a few minutes for coffee and refreshments. During this time, a lady from the group walked up to me and asked me a question. While responding to her, as I was in mid-sentence, she turned, walked away, and began chatting with someone else!
    Years ago, I went to Wal-Mart and used my tax refund to buy a new TV. This TV was rather large and rather heavy, so I asked if I could get help out to my car. I was informed that they were too busy to help me! They weren’t “too busy” to take my money! (So, helping a customer “interferes” with your job? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought helping the customer WAS your job!)
    After a ten-year stretch as an employee of the local Jack In The Box, health issues forced me to leave in 1995. A few years later I decided to drop by for a bite to eat. As I entered the door I noticed an employee tidying up the dining room. A co-worker I knew from my years of employment. But, surprise, surprise; the first thing out of her mouth was not a “hello” or “how have you been?” Oh no, her first (and last) words to me were: “Oh, I don’t have time to talk to you now.” And in a very nasty tone of voice, I might add! Truth be known, she practically bit my head off! Not even a simple hello, mind you! So I turned around and left. (Well, just for the record, lady, your rude attitude cost your restaurant a sale! I was there as a paying customer, not as an old acquaintance!) In the majority of these cases, we aren’t talking about people I see every day. Many times they are people I haven’t seen in years. And yet, even after years of being out of touch, still the “too busy” routine remains alive and well! Evidently, while absence was making my heart grow fonder, it made everyone else’s heart grow colder!
    Recently, while shopping at the Grocery Outlet, a member of the cancer support group I used to attend walked up to me and said hello. She mentioned the group and some of the members’ situations, and asked me how I was doing. Now this was all well and good. That is, of course, until I attempted to respond. As soon as I opened my mouth, I was interrupted with “Oh, I don’t have time to talk to you now, my husband’s waiting for me. I have to go.” Gee, that’s funny; she seemed to have all the time in the world while she was the one doing the talking! It’s only when I enter the picture that the “too busy” routine kicks in. Evidently this excuse applies to me and me alone. There always seems to be time for everyone else!!! For crying out loud, people. It’s not like I’m asking you to “sacrifice your first-born”! All I want is to be shown the same courtesy and consideration that you expect from me! My goodness, what was I thinking?
    There is a quotation, which reads, “You get treated the way you teach people to treat you.” What on earth am I doing to teach people to treat me like I don’t even exist?
    I think the late comedian Robin Williams said it best:
    “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”

  3. By: Vera Posted: 2nd July 2017

    To Disengaged:

    “First of all Darlene, upon reading your article I wondered; “Did she have any other teachers or was this one the only one she obsessed over? What was her relationship with other teachers? And, what’s the deal with her mother?””

    Well, that’s the thing. The negative experiences we had growing up and the shame and guilt we felt due to them, will of course make a lot more impact when that’s our norm. If it comes from family, and it also comes form some other sources as well, even if those sources are in the minority, of course we will take in those messages more so than the positive or neutral ones. We did not know better as children. That’s the whole point of being a child… you are highly susceptible to what goes on around you and absorb everything. It is our parents/family we most look up to, so when that experience is terrible, then the damage has already been done, and that’s what will make us “obsess” (bad choice of wording there on your part) over other experiences that are a match to it, because they serve to strengthen our negative beliefs.

    “Your article places emphasis on the authority figures in your life that had a negative influence on you, thereby implying they were the cause for your emotional stress and insecurities.”

    That is an indisputable fact. The messages we receive growing up ARE the cause of emotional stress and insecurities. It’s contradictory that you imply it’s not but then go on to tell us your own childhood story and how it caused you a lot emotional pain.

    “You see, I’m the guy your article is targeting. I’m the asshole, narcissist, control freak that wants everything done the right way. Not for me, but because it’s the right way. Or at least, that’s what I was taught.”

    It’s not surprising you would be, considering your response. But if you have to attach ‘asshole,’ ‘narcissist,’ and ‘control freak’ to what you do, then it’s obviously not “the right way” as you claim. You were taught wrong. Living your truth does not, in any way, mean forcing it upon others or being an asshole, narcissist, or control freak.

    “People grow up to become the people they were influenced by. It’s that simple. And many of us are f’ed up!”

    A few paragraphs ago you told Darlene that she places emphasis on the authority figures that had a negative influence on her, yet you are indirectly admitting to the same thing.

    And after your personal story, I wonder if it is not you who is “obsessing” over this.

    There’s a lot of projection in your response.

    “Some behavioral traits are genetically inherited.”

    This isn’t true. Citation needed. It also sounds like you want to absolve yourself of the responsibility to change your behavior.

    “And another fact is two like forces seem to attract.”

    This only applies after the development stage. You will attract negative if you’ve already been fed lies by your family AND you do nothing to unlearn those faulty beliefs later in life. You will attract positive if you either grew up in a healthy household OR you didn’t but worked on yourself and built good self esteem and emotional resilience.

    “Life is a battle of will and determination”

    It is not and it should not have to be. This is your opinion and a limitation you are placing on yourself. Do not state it as fact.

    “Everyone desires and in some reasonable way, requires acceptance and validation. Today’s society however is focused on pity. That asshole you described also needs validation. He just doesn’t know how to go about getting it.”

    Yes, we do require it, more so in childhood than anything, because that’s when we first develop our inner dialogue. “Society is focused on pity” is yet another opinion you state as fact. I don’t see pity here, I see support and understanding. Yes, that asshole needed validation in childhood, but as a grown person, they have the responsibility to validate themselves, otherwise… as you acknowledge, they will keep creating experiences that are less than desirable due to their entitled behavior. The difference between the asshole and the healed person regarding validation, is the way in which their need for validation manifests. The asshole harms others and tries to fill a void through force and control and no matter how much validation he/she gets, he/she will never be happy until they take a good long look at themselves and heal from the past, while the healed person validates themselves and thus attracts more validation in their life, because they don’t interact or behave in ways with validation as a goal, rather validation and love are a part of them.

  4. By: Dan Posted: 29th May 2017

    Great article!
    Can’t tell you how much pain suffering and violence I have endured. But they are still doing it , if not the worst they ever have. And I just lost the love of my life. Your well written article helps a lot and I have done years of hard work looking for things like this.
    I am literally surrounded by vicious hostile zombie monsters that have zero zilch clue of their words and actions. It HAS BEEN PURE HELLLLL LIVING LIFE. Always reminding me how there is no relationship or validation only fake false ones where what they think about me is unbelievably cruel and small. While I have always been able to see that the truth about who they are is NASTY. Which is my only saving grace.

  5. By: Disengaged Posted: 29th March 2017

    Where’s my safety pin? Everyone feeling sorry for themselves please stand up!

    First of all Darlene, upon reading your article I wondered; “Did she have any other teachers or was this one the only one she obsessed over? What was her relationship with other teachers? And, what’s the deal with her mother?”

    Your article places emphasis on the authority figures in your life that had a negative influence on you, thereby implying they were the cause for your emotional stress and insecurities.

    You see, I’m the guy your article is targeting. I’m the asshole, narcissist, control freak that wants everything done the right way. Not for me, but because it’s the right way. Or at least, that’s what I was taught. I was screamed at as a child myself. I had a 4th grade teacher that once hit me with a yard stick in the middle of class because she didn’t like the way I answered a question. Another teacher nicknamed me “head” because he thought mine was larger than other students in the class. I used to be the recipient of much “bullying” from other students as a younger child because I was taught not to fight back because it could result in my getting in trouble in school. And my mother and step father (that’s right – I’m from a divorced family) told me that if I got in trouble at school, it would be twice as hard on me when I got home. So what happened? I swallowed a lot of pride at school because the true trouble making kids knew they could have their way with me. That was, until I said enough was enough and would fight back. But when I retaliated, it was I who was always caught and punished. I also had a much older verbally and physically abusive brother (16 years older) who for some screwed up reason I seemed to admire and beg for respect as a child all the way up into my early adulthood years. I simply didn’t know any better. As much as I despised this behavior, it was all I knew. Wanting so much for him to recognize me, I began emulating him. I witnessed people cling to him, respect him, honor him. Or was it that people feared him so much they appeased him? I couldn’t tell the difference. Perhaps had my biological father not pussied out, I would have had the father figure I was in so much need for. People grow up to become the people they were influenced by. It’s that simple. And many of us are f’ed up!

    Your article only touches on a small factor in a very large and dynamic composite of emotional challenges influenced over years and years of interaction and struggle. Some behavioral traits are genetically inherited. Others are influenced. And another fact is two like forces seem to attract. In other words, people attract people like them. It’s the universal path of least resistance. But in the end, one is always the stronger of the two. Life is a battle of will and determination. Everyone desires and in some reasonable way, requires acceptance and validation. Today’s society however is focused on pity. That asshole you described also needs validation. He just doesn’t know how to go about getting it.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st March 2017

      Hi, “Disengaged”
      Yes of course this only touches on a small factor ~ this is ONE article of over 450 articles.
      And in response to your comment about “everyone requires acceptance and validation” YES of course, but there is a way to go about it and a way to say no to it and a way to communicate acceptance of it. When we just accept it and feel sorry for the perpetrator of it, we communicate to them that their behaviour is acceptable when in truth it isn’t acceptable. This entire website is about some of the points you raise in your earlier paragraph regarding how people are conditioned. And how we can do something about it.
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: cantstopthefeeling Posted: 25th February 2017

    I was not allowed to go to kindergarten. Mom decided. It wasn’t law then like it is now required for children to attend kindergarten. So small. So tiny. So sheltered, I was. The first day of school. First day of first grade. I dont remember getting ready or feeling frightened or scared. But as soon as we stepped into the classroom, my mom and I, there was all this noise and lights and movements and kids crying and it terrified me and all of a sudden, this thing called school was confusing and scary. And then it happened. Not loudly like some were. Some were screaming actually. But I do remember trembling and I thought I was hiding the crying part. I was trying to be strong! So she takes me into the restroom. At this school they had a restroom in each classroom for grades 1 thru 3. My mother politely asks if she could use this restroom. This safehaven in my mind to get me away from all this chaos. To gently say it will be ok. I really think that was all i would have needed cos i would have wanted to please her so. So we go in, she closes the door. Turns me around and smacks the bottom of both legs on my calves and says you better quit crying and not embarrass me.

  7. By: Light Posted: 9th October 2016

    Hope I can relate to your posts 330, 331. My “normal” was a little different in that I often was responded to with a subtle animosity, as if I was challenging my mother or father. It was like they had a chip on their shoulder, and were defensive. I came to believe that the world was against me, I became very guarded and defensive and didn’t realize that not everyone was out to hurt me. I never really experienced “joining” with others, and trusting. This may be why I haven’t been able to sustain a long-term intimate relationship.

    I’m also on the outside of my family, looking in. It depresses me too, and I feel robbed as well. I lost so many of my years to depression and pain and rejection. I’m just starting to claim what’s mine now — at middle age. I also have difficulty treating myself and living a comfortable life…I make it difficult for myself. I’m so sad to continue to be rejected and feel so misunderstood; it hurts so much. I’ve gone low low contact. It’s not the sharp pain and agony of rejection anymore, now it’s more of a dull cloud that follows me everywhere.

  8. By: Hope Posted: 6th October 2016

    I hated seeing everyone around me happy (not in a malicious way and even if they really weren’t and even if they had divorced parents or not), the illusion that others were doing great and I wasn’t made me hurt. The fact that people would rub it in my face when I told them the truth about my family problems, would hurt me even more. I just couldn’t get a break until now. Of course the grass is never greener, but who knew? My parents brainwashed me to be the most pessimistic person (for myself only) and I am finding it extremely hard to get out of that mentality all of a sudden. I have gone LC with my FOO and it has made a huge difference in my life. The problem is that the damage has been done and now I find it super hard to put myself and the pieces back together in a totally new mentality. Not impossible I know.

  9. By: alex Posted: 5th October 2016

    I compared my life often with others – I felt the divorce was the problem at that ime if they only had remained a couple – cause most kids had married parents still and seemed happier –

    I found out they were too struggling in one way or the other –

    still seemed better then my struggles often but it seemed the rest and peace I longed for was not by just wishin for greener grass that was not there

    took quite some time tho to realise there was nothing that would ve made it better

    cause I did want that so bad – to fix it – I tried all I could think off to fix it – kept looking for solutions –

    just recently that I can see I can actually just leave them behind – and that can be done too- and that they are responsible for themselves and I am for me – and that I m worth to go away to find people who can appreciate or hear me without yelling I m crazy or weird or demanding –

    was hard letting go of the fantasy that it would change if only this or such or os – quite hard indeed –

  10. By: Hope Posted: 5th October 2016

    As a child (and maybe even as an adult) I always believed the grass was always greener on the other side. The fantasy of my parents breaking up was always my excuse to why I was never happy, why my parents were never happy and why my sister was never happy. I knew deep down things would probably have been worse if they did (split up), but in my mind this was another way to dream that MY life would miraculously be perfect. I always looked at the quick solutions that would ‘fix’ our situation and our lives. The stress of living with two NPD parents was too high for us. I was so sheltered, this was my outlet.

  11. By: alex Posted: 4th October 2016

    I can relate to the calmth –

    no matter how heard I started to scream etc – I still was not heard –

    if someone doesn t want to hearyou – it seems it does not matter how hard you try –

    since going no contact, rest appeared – a rest that I never found in the pills I was given or in drinks even – it didn t numb, it rather energised and awoke me in a way – and I started to breathe again –

    my parents had an unhappy marriage, they did divorce, but it made things worse – I had hoped it would make it better- that the mother would be happier etc – but she was not – and neither was he –

    it became quite clear they both had wished us off their hands and had not found a way to do so – so they had to put up with us, and we with them – tryin to avoid the mines in the minefiled that had become more complex, more confusing and more harmind then it had been before –

    it turned out not to have been the solution I had hoped it would be –

    they just had no clue how to parent – and this didn t change with their marital issues being less on the front – it just made it more clear that this was a problem just as well –

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th October 2016

      Hi Alex,
      Thanks for sharing and welcome to EFB ~ yes, I totally relate!
      hugs, Darlene

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th October 2016

      Hi Everyone!
      Welcome to the new people and thanks everyone for all the new shares here! I have enjoyed catching up!
      hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Hope Posted: 4th October 2016

    I also remember my NM never answering or talking to me in a calm voice. It was either really sarcastic, cocky, put downs, degrading or plain rude. Any time I talked or questioned anything in my life or in general, she would just scream and scream until she got me into tears or had a massive verbal fight with me. Her hostility became so normal I only realized this just now, just how bad her attitude really was to me. I knew she was taking her problems out on me as she and my father were never happy together. I also remember thinking, and I always wished my parents would have split up. It was such a burden on my sister and I, they kept saying they stayed together for us, but I know now it was just a power trip for them both as they tore us apart. If they knew how we felt they wouldn’t still be together. Their lies never end and their excuses are unnecessary. No wonder there was so much anger and violence around me always. I am glad to be calmer now and finding myself ever so slowly. I no longer have to scream and fight to have my opinion heard. Thank you Darlene.

  13. By: Hope Posted: 3rd October 2016

    I always felt like I had no ‘real’ issues as I was never sexually abused. Even though I have seen a lot of violence and have been physically abused through stages in my life and then there is the alcohol abuse as my father is a functioning alcoholic. I could deal with those issues and never knew why I was so screwed up. I had no idea emotional and psychological abuse came from home. I thought “the whole world was against me” for an unknown reason, NOT anything to do with my awful upbringing. How scary to think that I have been carrying the abuse on my shoulders my whole life and I didn’t even know it.

    I have also been ignored by everyone in my life. Even when I would have people sleep over my house for 5 days and I would pamper them the whole time they were good to talk as much as they wanted but, as soon as I would, they were literally not interested.

  14. By: Hope Posted: 3rd October 2016

    I remember when my sister finished University with High Distinction and my parents told us NOT to tell anyone as it would make them too jealous. I was so confused why we had to do that, while praising others for absolute minor things. A few years later I had finished High School (and hated it because my Mother forced me to hate it, even though I really didn’t), so she and my Grandmother (who came to live with us for 2 years and literally ruined my life) were praising me for throwing my bag on the floor and saying how much I hated School, there was NO celebrating the event of me finishing school (since they both didn’t even finish forth grade in primary) or even a congratulations for getting to that milestone (being the second person on my NM’s side to finish school). I have lived my WHOLE life in misery with no personal celebrations. It has been such a cold existence. No wonder I have NEVER felt happy in my life, I was NOT allowed to be. I was put down instead and called stupid for finishing, even though NM wanted me to quit that too (amongst other things I did).

    No wonder I NEVER felt deserving of anything good, that it was unreachable for me due to the rotten foundations I had from a baby until I broke the loop. What a shame it took me this long. I am not getting any younger and the best years of my life have been ruined my my own FOO. It truly depresses me.

    Another big issue I had was “jumping high” to get their approval and the rules changed every minute. They really did know what they were doing as they would exploit me for free labor my whole life and then after I got upset for doing too much for them, they would dangle some money to “forget” their abuse and to shut me up after they called me “crazy”. This is how my anger issues manifested. I still wish I had the loving supportive family I always longed for. Every time I speak to them on the phone I realize how much they still want to hurt me. I am sad they are the way they are. I’m not sure I have accepted the reality in my head yet.

    • By: Liddie Posted: 17th November 2016

      Oh my I feel terrible for you. They have painted the wrong picture of what true love really is. I have 5 wonderful children and no I haven’t been the perfect mom but I have loved them with all I have had the power too and tho they are all grown adults now I am still pouring love into the I lives. We have never had a falling out spat even when truth ,rebukes and chastening was put into action. That all comes with the territory of parenthing. Because they recognized that I loved them enough to Empower them still through love rather than Overpower because of my own self worth.
      wish I could stand as a acting parent in your life to just manifest what and how love covers our children from a lot of unnecceassry pitfalls. The bible says love covers a multitude of faults.
      Your parents are hurting and needs to be healed .They are living in fear and have missed out on many years of what the power of love brings .and the very purpose that Jesus died for.
      For God so LOVED the world that he gave his only begotten son. I will pray for them that the Holy Spirit will convict their hearts.and usher in a broken and contrite Spirit which will encourage them to cry out to God for their freedom. If you too can cry out to God for your healing for the damage done to you .You will be good to go. Because Free people Free people.?

  15. By: Michael Mills Posted: 3rd October 2016

    “Too Busy”
    Years ago, when I attended church, I noticed a disturbing pattern forming. During the service everyone was all kissy / huggy / smiley, but as soon as the service was over, everyone reverted back to dog eat dog! On more occasions than I can even count, I have had these “kissy / huggy / smiley” people toss me aside like so much trash without even giving it a second thought. Time and time again I would run into these people at the grocery store, so I would go up to them and say hello. But surprisingly the first thing out of their mouths was never a return hello, but simply “Oh, I don’t have time to talk to you now, I’m just too busy”. The “too busy” routine took a total of maybe ten seconds, while a simple “hello” would have taken only two seconds! (So much for “too busy”!)
    On one very infamous occasion I saw a church member at the local Albertsons, and, as you may have already guessed, it was the same old “too busy” routine again. Then, seconds after she informed me she didn’t have time to talk, another church member happened to walk in the store. The two met, greeted each other, and standing in the middle of the aisle, chatted for over ten minutes! (Gee lady, I seem to recall you saying you were too busy to talk!)
    One evening, after a Bible study, we took a few minutes for coffee and refreshments. During this time, a lady from the group walked up to me and asked me a question. While responding to her, as I was in mid-sentence, she turned, walked away, and began chatting with someone else!
    Years ago, I went to Wal-Mart and used my tax refund to buy a new TV. This TV was rather large and rather heavy, so I asked if I could get help out to my car. I was informed that they were too busy to help me! They weren’t “too busy” to take my money! (So, helping a customer interferes with your job? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought helping the customer WAS your job!)
    After a ten-year stretch as an employee of the local Jack In The Box, health issues forced me to leave in 1995. A few years later I decided to drop by for a bite to eat. As I entered the door I noticed an employee tidying up the dining room. A co-worker I knew from my years of employment. But, surprise, surprise; the first thing out of her mouth was not a “hello” or “how have you been?” Oh no, her first (and last) words to me were: “Oh, I don’t have time to talk to you now.” And in a nasty tone of voice, I might add! Not even a simple hello, mind you! So I turned around and left. (Well, just for the record, lady, your rude attitude cost your restaurant a sale! I was there as a paying customer, not as an old acquaintance!)
    Recently, while shopping at the Grocery Outlet, a member of the cancer support group I used to attend walked up to me and said hello. She mentioned the group and some of the members’ situations, and asked me how I was doing. This was all well and good, until I attempted to respond. As soon as I opened my mouth, I was interrupted with “Oh, I don’t have time to talk to you now, my husband’s waiting for me. I have to go.” Gee, that’s funny; she seemed to have all the time in the world while she was the one doing the talking! It’s only when I enter the picture that the “too busy” routine kicks in. Evidently this routine applies to me and me alone. There always seems to be time for everyone else!!! For crying out loud, people. It’s not like I’m asking you to “sacrifice your first-born”! All I want is to be shown the same courtesy and consideration that you expect from me! My goodness, what was I thinking?
    There is a quotation, which reads, “You get treated the way you teach people to treat you.” What on earth am I doing to teach people to treat me like I don’t even exist?
    I think the late Robin Williams said it best:
    “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”
    Michael A. Mills

  16. By: maja Posted: 1st October 2016

    I kept attracting abusive behaviour – I thought if I could just explain to them what they are doing and that I know what they are doing and present a solution to do things differently

    I would create a safe world for us –

    I guess in the end I started to believe the world was only filled with abusive behaviour – so it was best to try ot deal with it tha tway –

    which actually just meant abusers would say that if I understood what they were doing, it meant I wanted it – and they kept dragging me into their story making me a victim or a saviour or a victim or a perpetrator in their eyes as well – justifying why they would continue their thing and blaming me once more

    Ihoped that if this occurredonce more and I d tell people about it – they now would believe me – but it didn t happen – they kept dismissing whatever I had to say – it could never be that bad – I just liked to exaggerate – whatever I did to prove these things exist – it never worked – I remained the problem, the crazy one – and they still got away with anything and everything –

    it didn t make my world safer – and I still was not heard –
    it was familiar that was it –

    it s still an eye opener to open up to the possibility people without abusive behaviour do exist – and that people who can hear me and my story for what it really is – do exist too – without needing to prove anything –

    but for now – I don t have friends – only online – as it s become too painful to see what people I kept attracting – and what situations – and too how powerless I still can feel after all this time – as I cannot change other people – I guess in the end all I can do is take myself seriously and practice self care and self trust – maybe that s enough on it s own to create safety for real

  17. By: Hope Posted: 1st October 2016

    I also had an other incident with my sister when I was still single, when she was getting married and I was running around like crazy to set everything up for her happy day. We were chatting about life in general and then she got to a question that stunned me for life. She asked me: “Have you ever been paid for sex?”
    This was how low my FOO thought of me. That I was not educated or talented enough to be anything other than a hooker. This was the life-long accomplishment of my NM. The discerning hurt and abuse she spread.

    To #320 Michael Mills
    OMG! You sound like me. I have been in the same boat as you for most of my life. I am going through a phase of meeting new people and smelling the abusive ones from a mile away. I cannot believe that only just a year ago I would have begged those same people for their love and attention. I am still with no friends but I can honestly say I am so much more happier this way than being a doormat to any user.
    Cheers to your words!

  18. By: Hope Posted: 29th September 2016

    I had an incident when I was a child and discovered I can draw, my teacher and NM got really angry at me and it never made any sense to me (why was I getting into so much trouble when I was good at something? why would that bring anger to the closest people in my life?). I also had many more people tell me I am hopeless for other things and I believed them, which made me become a dreamer too. That made me give up on so many things I loved, imagine being told you are crap when you have natural talents and a passion for life? No wonder I gave up on everything, even on myself. Thankfully the fog is lifting.
    Cheers, Hope xx

  19. By: alex Posted: 26th September 2016

    very true

    had this goin on for a while, in hospitals and in home situation with carers –

    thought it must be me, they said it was me – I was too hard – too demanding – too … whatever…

    a lot of things have come to light now – a lot of gosspip – realising that I actually never asked too much – just basic needs – if anything I had not asked enough –

    but here we are now – they say I took the energy out of the team by being demanding – even tho it s all set straightnow –

    it s left me very tired –

    but too – as you say – I stopped trying to please the carers by making the list as low management as possible, it didn t change anything cause I made them feel they were right – I did ask too much – well they would teach me a lesson – good now the list was a lot less to the point they at times would to nothing at all for a while – just sit there – refuse too to do something else –

    and I realised this is getting ridiculous –

    I can t please them, it s not even about pleasing, I never did anything wrong to begin with – misunderstandings happened and then the dynamics that were already present in the team that I had noc lue about at that time – began to work their mojo – so here we are now –

    and I can t solve their self esteem nor is it my job – I m at the recieving end asking for care – as once I did as a child – and as a child just as well – I could not please my mother ever – and I never will be able too –

    seems however that admitting that brings up all the pain and makes me cry wchich still feels so unsafe, to express emotions – there are times I check the place if no one has come in family member wise to see me – and to act upon what they see – still – to this day –

  20. By: Jennifer Posted: 23rd September 2016

    Thank you for your honesty. I say honesty, because I can truly relate. You hit it on the nail, for something I have been trying to understand and figure out my whole life; tormenting me my whole life.

  21. By: theresa Posted: 16th September 2016

    I had a 4th grade teacher who treated me much the same way. I was often daydreaming or not paying much attention. ( I was 9 years old, duh!) I would scribble or draw pictures too, and she told me how much she hated it when I did that. One day however, her favorite student drew a picture, (exactly the same as I always did) and she held it up for everyone to see. “Isn’t this a nice picture _____ drew?” I was so angry at her for that, that I stopped paying attention to her attempts to shame me into being different. There is really something wrong with people who treat children like that.

  22. By: Michael Mills Posted: 2nd September 2016

    All I’ve ever wanted from anyone is to be a friend without having to be a doormat or a punching bag, yet these are the only kind of relationships I have ever known, friends and family alike! If I show any sign of having a backbone, rejection is guaranteed. Should I ever attempt to defend myself or stand up for myself, rest assured, rejection again! On those occasions when I would confront anyone who said or did anything inappropriate, all I ever received were excuses, but not a word of acknowledgement! Excuses such as:
    “I was only joking!” (Provided you consider trampling on someone’s feelings as humorous!)
    “I didn’t mean anything by it!” (You meant something by it or you wouldn’t have said it!)
    “You’re just making a big deal out of nothing!” (And you’re just making nothing out of a big deal!)
    “You’re just taking it out of context!” (Define “context”!)
    “You’re just blowing it out of proportion!” (Define “proportion”!)
    “You’re just – you’re just – you’re just….” (Yes, and you’re just trivializing a knife in the back!)
    If I were to share this situation with anyone in the counseling field, experience has taught me that since I am the common denominator in these relationships, this automatically makes me at fault for causing these rejections! By this way of thinking, I suppose if someone were to take out a gun, take aim, and shoot me dead, I would be held to blame for standing in the line of fire!
    Heaven forbid I should ever have the gall to want to be treated as an equal! It’s almost as if there is some unwritten law that I absolutely must consider myself an inferior, a lesser being than everyone else. Otherwise the rejections will continue, and the holier-than-thou will never “grace me with their acceptance”! Well, I am now sixty years old and not in the best of health, so my bowing, kneeling, bending over backwards, and jumping through hoops days are pretty much over!
    You know, it’s pretty sad when people would rather have nothing to do with you than to show you the same courtesy and consideration that you freely show them! Let’s hear it for double standards! To people like this, I can only say: If you’re looking for friends, I’m available. If you’re looking for disciples, go to hell!

    • By: Newstart Posted: 6th September 2016

      Hi there. Thank you Darlene for this article. I’m 53 years old and endured years of emotional abuse until I left home at 18. My Dad was an angry alcoholic that emotionally and physically abused my Mom. My brother is now perpetuating the cycle of abuse and his wife is a narcissist as well. My Mom is also a narcissist. I am now on medical leave due to my abusive manager. Sadly I work in HR and filed a complaint about my manager . Upon completing their investigation HR /Employee Relations concluded “we have interviewed your peers and all have expressed similar examples of his abuse however unfortunately there is nothing we will do as you just have a bad manager” . I sucked it up and endured 4 more months of his abuse if demeaning comments unsustainable workload and unrealistic expectations…u see now he had me right where he wanted me …trying trying trying to gain his approval…yup flashback from my childhood aka “trigger”
      My childhood was horrible…nobody would ever had suspected it was as my parents deserve an academy award for acting like the perfect family to the outside world…yes I was reminded NOBODY will believe you…you are too sensitive, too selfish, too shy, why can’t you be more like so and so, you are not good enough at whatever it was that hour or day, no apologies yet expected apologies from me for not being who they wanted me to be. Through years of therapy I have developed healthy boundaries which has resulted in going NC with my family 6 years ago. My brother pushed me against a wall and screamed at me and raised his hand at me for having boundaries. I left and went home. He proceeded via text to threaten to break into my house “to settle this” I replied “think long and hard before hitting me or breaking into my home as I will press charges and not drop them. Fast forward my Mom tells me “your brother says your Dad and I have to choose u or him. If we choose u then we will never see our grandkids again. Since you embarrassed us by never having kids we choose to continue our relationship with your brother and not you”. Due to my lack of healthy parental role models I decided I never wanted kids.

      It was de ecstatic to me as I had recently relocated from Califorrnia to Charlotte North Carolina to be closer to my brother and his family. Having little contact with my brother over 20 years I didn’t realize he was perpetuating the cycle of abuse. When I would visit for a few days he held it together so I had no idea the truth. We had been very close growing up until I left home at 18.

      So I had moved to Charlotte and 6 months later my family implodes and I decide its best to go NC. It was deceststinf to hear my parents “chose” my brother over me but looking back 6 years later it’s their dysfunction not mine.

      During the 6 months I was told ” why do u have more friends than we do…we have lived in Charlotte 30 years, who do u think u are , you think you are better than us because you lived in California, don’t expect any help from us to get settled into your new home as we have a life too, then after I get settled with help from my neighbors and church friends I’m scolded for not asking them for help. Seriously dysfunctional which led up to the final episode described above. Looking back they expected me to “need” them in an unhealthy way. As a 48 year old at the time, I developed healthy behaviors and started volunteering, working out at Ymca and going to church. That did not align with my bro and SIL plan of power and control as I wouldn’t be isolated.

      My SIL was very concerned about “how much her inheritance would be when my parents pass away” seriously…..she is all about money buys happiness. Sickening to me as she doesn’t care about anyone else and is also part of the problem. Their kids have been diagnosed with anger issues so the cycle continues.

      I miss my life in California although I’m thankful for my wonderful friends in Charlotte. I’ve bloomed where I’ve been replanted and without the family dysfunction. I intentionally stay away from areas which my family may shop drive etc . I never want to see them again. Thanks for reading as ice been rambling here.

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