When Dad Enables Mom in Emotionally Abusive Family Relationships

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This weekend some of us celebrate Father’s Day in some parts of the world including Canada and the United States. Father’s day can be a really tough time of year emotionally for many of us who have been raised in dysfunctional families or where we have been taught that love is proven (by children) through obedience, compliance and service. It helped me to realize that if obedience, compliance and service is love, why isn’t it returned in the same way to the children in dysfunctional families. Why are the rules different for some people? Why aren’t we loved in the same way that we are taught to love? When the rules are different for some people, it isn’t really love; it is a false definition of love that causes confusion. Emerging from Broken is about breaking free from all that confusion by enabling clarity.

 Typically, there is more resistance when looking at issues we have with our fathers, and it is okay if that is what you are feeling when you read this. This is painful stuff!  It took me a lot longer to acknowledge the pain that my father caused me with his passive abusive actions and inactions than it took me to see the pain that my mother caused me with her more overt treatment. And father’s day was hard the first few years after I drew my boundary because I missed the idea of a loving father; I missed the hope that he might ‘see me’ one day. Letting go of the fantasy was like a death and there is grieving and sadness in the emotional healing process when the father has been emotionally absent.

In this post Carrie H. shares her process of coming to see her father through new eyes and the pain of the betrayal when she realizes that he isn’t actually on the side of the truth about love when it comes to her. Please help me welcome Carrie as she shares her heart and the core of her pain with us.  

Happy father’s day to all who celebrate, and remember to celebrate, appreciate and acknowledge yourself.

For some of us, we are or have become our own best fathers.

Darlene Ouimet

 When Dad Enables Mom in Emotionally Abusive Family Relationships ~

 Enabling Father by Carrie H.

 “Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small It was over my head I know nothing at all And I will stumble and fall I’m still learning to love Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

Anywhere I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride You’re the one that I love And I’m saying goodbye”

– lyrics from the song “Say Something” by A Great Big World

I saw my dad for the first time as I sat across the booth from him at an Italian restaurant post therapy session.  I saw him for the coward he is.  I saw him as a man who is terrified of feeling.  How could I expect my feelings to be validated by this man when he isn’t even willing to validate his own?  I saw a man who walks hunched over and crooked because he holds so much pain inside.  I saw a man who uses humor to avoid looking at truth.  I saw a man who hides behind blanket spiritual statements like “it’s all just an illusion” and “we are all love” to avoid confronting any darkness in himself or others.  A man who wants to skip to the end of the spiritual journey and claim the truths of those who have walked through fire rather than feeling the flames himself.  

 I saw my dad and I wanted to cry.  I wanted to cry for him.  I wanted to help him, to save him somehow.  I wanted him to step up to the plate for me, for my mom, for my sister, for his grandson, for himself.  I wanted him to embrace truth but he won’t cross the briars and thorns it would take to get there and experience the kind of spiritual bliss he devours books about. He sat next to me in the therapy session, a session that was supposed to be about our relationship but, as usual, it was about my mom.  He had a notepad and I glanced over and saw, written in his own handwriting these words: “what has [my wife] done to deserve this?” And there it is, in a nutshell.  He’s never been on my team.  He claims to not take sides but his jersey has always sported my mother’s name.  “Be the bigger person,” he loves to say to me.  But what does the bigger person do when someone is constantly trying to hurt her?  She doesn’t say, “Here let me step closer so you can throw another punch.”  No.  She walks away.  That is the bigger person. I once told my dad that my mom was incapable of love to which he agreed.  “Well she doesn’t love herself so she can’t love anyone else.”  So at dinner that night I asked him a point blank honest question.  “Why are you with someone who doesn’t love you?”  “Well, She loves me!” he barked angrily.  

Yes, I suppose she does love him just like he would claim to love me.  He looked me in the eyes and told me that he would never abandon me.  That he wouldn’t be one of the enabling fathers that got pulled down the chasm with his wife when she was no longer part of my life.  And yet, I haven’t heard from him again.  The final betrayal.  He pretended to play for my team and even gave me hope that he would.  But there he is, getting ready to go up to bat for my mom.  It’s her side he is on.  Always. Her side ~ as he sat silently when she told me I would never get married.  Her side ~ when he listened to her tell me I wasn’t socially ok.  Her side when I plugged my ears to keep her words for getting in. He sat silently while she shattered my soul into a million pieces.  Why should I expect anything different now? “It’s all just an illusion,” he loves to say.  Yes, dad, it is.  Our family as perfect, that’s an illusion.  That there was no abuse, that’s an illusion.  That you love me in the true definition of love, that’s an illusion.  

 …. and that you would ever take my side against her’s; that’s most definitely an illusion.

 Carrie H.

 Please add your thoughts and comments. We look forward to hearing from you!

Hugs, Darlene

 Although this website has a facebook page, your comments will not be posted on facebook and you are welcome to use any name you wish here for the sake of privacy.

The song “Say Something” by A Great Big World and link to the YouTube video

Related post: Passive Abuse and Emotionally Unavailable Father

220 response to "When Dad Enables Mom in Emotionally Abusive Family Relationships"

  1. By: A.R Posted: 29th September 2017

    I feel like I am winded with pain reading this. My father was passive as well. I remember lying in bed one night, we were on a trip somewhere and my parents were sleeping in the same room.
    “I do not love you anymore. Do you understand me? I don’t love you. I do not love you. I do not love you.” Her voice was low, metered, slow, so deliberate. She kept saying it, over and over and over. My dad quietly agreed. “Mmm. Mmhmm.” Not a hint of sarcasm or irritation. Just quietly listening and acknowledging her words.

    Another time, she rolled around on the floor, drunk, on pills, her robe half open, breast spilling out. “You’re the devil, sent here to sabotage me.” She kept saying it. She was not a drug addict or a regular user of any kind. My parents were decent, Christian people. My mother was just full of pain. So is my father. Just broken people. She just broke down.

    I have recollections of being huddled in a corner with my two crying sisters as my mother held a knife to my dad, his grasp on her wrists, keeping her from hurting him. I think this happened a few times.

    He never said anything. Never yelled, never argued, never fought. Never stood up for himself.

    She poisoned my mind against my dad. Today, I oscillate between loving my mom and hating my dad, and hating my mom while loving my dad. One of them is to blame. One of them has to be the bad guy. Which is it? I lie awake with vicious, hateful thoughts that rage through my mind with such force that I cry in frustration for them to leave me in peace. I am so twisted I can barely breathe.

  2. By: Hilary Posted: 1st March 2017

    Well stated, Carrie, and thank you, Darlene. I’ve had a similar experience with my father. If he is afraid he will “get in trouble” with my mom, he will throw me under the bus every time. For example, my dad offered to pay for a family vacation in Hawaii for my mom’s birthday. I only agreed because he offered to pay –there is no way I could afford that by myself. But when it came time to organize it, he said it was too expensive and I said, well, then I can’t come. Then he sends an email to everyone saying I “backed out”, and my mom really lets me have it. :’-( So painful. But he wouldn’t take the blame because he’s afraid of my mom. I have no contact with my mom at the moment, and very little with my dad. I found Carrie’s mention of her dad’s yearning for spirituality very poignant, because my dad is the same –always seeking fulfillment (in meditation, in veganism, etc.), but never finding it because he cannot admit to himself the truth about where his pain is coming from.

    • By: B Posted: 19th November 2017

      I’m late to the conversation but I too have a weak father who I once believed was the greatest guy ever,never has a guy broke my heart in all my 42yrs of life the way my father has. Growing up my narc mother would fly into rages over the slightest things,it didn’t matter if it was Christmas or a birthday celebration,we tiptoed around daily.somedays you were loved other days you were left with your head spinning wondering what the hell happened.I always felt bad for my father when she raged at him,he would just take what ever she dished out without saying a word back.Long story short..my father now is her sidekick,he works for her.She gets her kicks off when he treats his daughter like dirt,she rewards him with her effection,in front of me,it’s disgusting.they are sick

  3. By: Andria Posted: 27th November 2016

    Donna,

    Wow! As a person who never got any support from my family or my husband’s family, I understand what you felt like when your mother “acted” concerned about your father’s heart! Well like I have said many times in my life about my FOO and my husband’s FOO: it’s all about them all the time. You know a person gets very weary with dealing with this stuff for decades.

    I am very sorry about your husband’s heart issues. I hope he will be okay. I am glad that you feel better. Just getting your story out to people who have had the same experiences is very helpful and healing. That is great that you got Darlene’s book and you are excited about getting started on it. Take care.

  4. By: Andria Posted: 26th November 2016

    Donna H,

    You are very welcome. Thank you for the complement on my writing. I am feeling better now that Thanksgiving is over. I have had more that one drama surrounding this holiday. I felt very raw on Thanksgiving Day. I think that next year will be better! That’s the way it seems to be going anyway.

    Yes, when you know what love is and what love is not; it is so difficult to go into a family situation where you know there is no love, no caring, not even a bit of respect. Please do not underestimate this stress that you feel around your family. I too have a life filled with many blessings, but this stuff concerning one’s FOO is really at the heart of many things affecting our lives: both good and bad. It is when the bad so out weighs the good is when many people opt out of associating with their families.

    Darlene and her EFB has been a blessing in my life. I have found other helpful sources online and in books, but having a discourse with people with similar situations is invaluable to me. Donna, I am glad you have raised your voice against emotional abuse.

    Andria

    • By: Donna H Posted: 26th November 2016

      Andria–Oh. Em. Gee!!! This morning I happened to casually share with my mom on the phone that I was feeling better since I began interacting with others online who have similar problems or rather THEY are considered the family problem.(like me) I was so excited as I told her I finally feel like someone else understands what I’m going through. (PS I’d never share which site!) Well. Obviously I was temporarily insane to imagine my mother would agree this was a good thing– after all, she never ever had my back in anything before. Here’s the kicker: I told her I haven’t spoken with dad in about 8-10 days (we usually spoke at least 2xper day)
      So she says “oh wow, I hope he doesn’t have a heart attack.” I said “excuse me!? What was that?” She said it again. I hung up. Done! The sadder part is that I was so shocked because actually my OWN husband is dealing with serious heart issues right now yet this apparently isn’t on her mind. (Yet guess what– SHE CHEATED ON HIM AFTER 27 years of marriage! She’s in another state with the “John”) My husband said “oh that’s amusing–she’s worried about his heart NOW?! What about when she cheated on him?” I said oh man why didn’t I think of saying that! (I can never come up with these awesome responses AT that moment!) My husband is just far enough from the pain of this that he can think more clearly of a reply while I’m just sitting there shocked as usual at what is coming at me! I still always give the benefit of the doubt and I imagine it will be ok some day. I’m still holding out hope that one day those 4 people (mom dad 2 sisters) will come running towards me in slow motion, arms stretched out saying “We are so sorry we failed you! You’re awesome! We should have defended you! We can’t believe how hurt you must feel! Please! We beg you to talk to us! Take us baaaack!!” and then…I woke up!
      I’ll be seeing my son in a few short hours– gotta run. Gotta start cooking the big meal! Thank you to you, and to all my new caring friends!! I feel better! I will read other stories and try to help soon too! I just got Darlene’s book and will start reading tonight! Excited!
      Donna H

  5. By: Donna H Posted: 25th November 2016

    Thanks Andria! I sincerely appreciate your support! You write so well! I hope you are feeling better too, just as I am, simply because of this site, and realizing those here all have so much in common. We are all assertive, smart, and just plain understand what love is, and what love is NOT! Thanks again to all who understand my little stress in a life otherwise filled with countless blessings!
    Donna 🙂

  6. By: Andria Posted: 25th November 2016

    Hi Donna! Congrats on the AHA! moment. I see bits and pieces of my story in yours. These dysfunctional families have such massive entanglements it is no wonder that it takes us forever to figure out what is what! Plus with the main puppet master and the “henchmen”doing their bidding; it takes a strong and capable person to pull out of the mess!

    I am so happy for you that you feel great and you have decided that the dysfunction stops! It is painful to realize that your own parent is so unloving. I am quite sure that my family and my sister-in-law blame me for the “problems” in the families. Well, yes, I was the one that went NC so I will take the title of “problem”: and I will wear it like a badge of honor!

    Wow, that is rough stuff being kicked out of your “father’s” home at 21 because you came home “too late” for him to accept. The only thing to do was kick you out of the family? If you don’t mind writing this part of your story, I would love to hear how you got back “in” to the family. Yes, I agree with you that your father is a coward.

    Your sister not wanting to remember and recount the story of your expulsion from the home is par for the course. Welcome to the world of selective memory. I have much experience with family members having this affliction. If they can’t remember what you are talking about; then you are the one who is bat crap crazy for bringing up old stuff that nobody cares about anyway! I believe I understand your sister. She sounds so much like my own sister.

    Good luck to you in your healthy new life! I am glad that you feel so great after the Thanksgiving drama!

  7. By: Donna H Posted: 25th November 2016

    This Thanksgiving I experienced an “aha!” moment….it all seems so clear to me now that all the pieces fit together so well in the puzzle that IS my dysfunctional family upbringing. Now, since this recent revelation, I have come to realize that it was my father, not so much my mother, who is the main offender and creator of the pain I’m having in my heart right now. This narcissistic man, whom I have felt close with and spoke to every day, has shown himself to my husband and I, and he stubbornly refuses to change his position or views. It’s obvious to all who hear the story, that he should not be backing my sister, who is alone and nasty, but instead should have defended ME! My dad is a control-freak, so all is well as long as you’re doing what HE wants you to do! He, like most men, has a strong need to feel appreciated, and inserts himself where he perceives he is needed. My sister seriously reamed me on the phone (left voicemail) in early Oct– the day before my bday, and accused me of crazy cruel things I did not do! She never apologized, and my father did not recognize her act, nor did he ask her to apologize to me. For the past 40+ years, I thought my dad loved me the best of his 3 daughters, but I was fooled by the master! He is narcissistic, and hurtful. I can see now why my mom strayed from the marriage. He never showed her love. He is a German, stoic, blockhead! I’m sure he feels I am in the wrong for not speaking to him for almost 1 week now, but I’ve decided I will not allow him to hurt me further. Some people will not understand how one can elect to be estranged from a parent, unless they are also a victim of a controlling, unloving, narcissist for a parent. Because of the underlying emotional abuse, I became the loving parent I would have wanted to have. I showed LOVE to my children! They are awesome young people, now in their 20s! They’ve seen how my dad (their Poppy) is your best friend, doing all sorts of generous & caring things for you– UNLESS you do the opposite of what HE wants you to do! He didn’t approve of my husband and I excluding my sister from Thanksgiving dinner, so when asked to confirm that he was (of course) coming– 3 separate times he said, “I’m still thinking about it” Now this is a man who can act (ACT!) very caring one day, and flip the other way the next day simply because he wants to control his daughters. My husband and I told him we would make his decision easier, and said not to bother coming. This of course was put on us to decide! He us basically a coward also. PS his second marriage folded also.
    Anyway, some back story is that my dad kicked me out of the family home when I was 21 years old, because I came home in the “wee hours” around 3 or 4 am. It was the night my boyfriend and I were breaking up after 5 years together! Through my tears, I saw the suitcases sitting in the front hall, and even as I approached the house, I could smell the coffee through the locked screen door. (I had to ring the bell!) My sister, only 1 year younger, refuses to remember this story, I guess because she prefers to be the only “victim” of this family. Maybe it’s that she can’t get over the fact that this thing happened to me, yet I overcame it, became strong and today prosper with an awesome family. (I was put out and lived on my own for 2 years, it wasn’t easy!) Yesterday when we spoke about it, she kept trying to justify why it was reasonable for our father to do this to his daughter, and said “oh…well ok yeah, you were not being obedient, so…” The difference between us is– I didn’t go around wearing the “victim” label on my sleeve my whole life! The experience helped me grow, but my own daughter is 21, and I’d never dream of asking her to endure that kind of heartache & stress! Since I’ve gone “no contact” with my father a week ago, I’ve been really ok. I’m less uptight, and although the revelation that he loves himself more than he loves his 3 daughters was a tough nut to swallow, it has helped put things into perspective much better. I can see clearly now! My husband is very hurt by him too. The father in law whom we had known has shown us he is incapable of respecting anyone but himself! He will dig his heels in, this is for sure. I will mourn the loss of my LIVING father, but I will celebrate the birth of my healthy new life! The dysfunction stops here! It feels great…..Donna H, in NY

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th November 2016

      Hi Donna
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken. Thank you for sharing your story here. Realizing this kind of truth is never easy, is it but as you say, once things are in perspective, it is so much easier to move forward with higher self-esteem and a clear attitude!
      Hugs, Darlene

      • By: Donna H Posted: 25th November 2016

        Hi Darlene!
        Thank you for your reply! I was always the different one, if you will, and what is most difficult is when you start to lower your guard and begin sharing with friends or co-workers who just don’t get it! They perceive me then as paranoid or sensitive. Well yes I’m sensitive (in a good way) but not overly sensitive because the two are vastly different! Being accused of being “sensitive” is somewhat of a trigger word to some people, others use it to shut you down so you act how THEY want you to act. I feel that being sensitive means you’re receptive, observant, etc. and I treat others with respect also since I’m so sensitive to others’ needs too. Many people just want to go through life not making waves. I give so much of myself and expect only minor things in return. I know this forum is the answer to helping me feel better!! Thank you!!
        Donna H

  8. By: Hope Posted: 1st April 2016

    P.S. I forgot to mention that my father and I had a great relationship up until my 20’s. I would follow him everywhere and he would explain everything to me and we enjoyed our time together. He even took me places he only took his mates. But at home he only ever stood up for me ONCE (as a teenager)to my NM. After that she really ramped up the cruelty and would verbally threaten to leave us if my father stood up for me again. So after that he sat back and let her go wild.

    She even took her suit cases out(empty) and said she was leaving. I had gotten so tired of that trick too so the last time she did it when I was 25 I told her she should leave if she didn’t like it with us and she got furious. She has only gotten worse with time. Now EVERYONE is scared of her and her antics. What happened to men growing some balls? He would rather ruin MY life to make his much easier. Now we don’t talk and I don’t miss him after he asked me to sign my house away to him.

    Thanks Hope xx

  9. By: Hope Posted: 1st April 2016

    Hi Darlene, Carrie and everyone,

    You all write so beautifully and this website has changed my life for the better. I thought my life would just go down the drain if it continued the way it was going.

    There are so many things that have defined my life that I have never forgotten and it all started when we moved to a posh neighborhood when I was 8. I remember going home crying coz I was bullied by other kids in school and I told my NM and her response was “too bad, deal with it”.

    Then when I was 16 and after many, many years of being physically abused, NM was about to give me a huge whack on my face for something she did and I finally found the courage to stand up to her (I have NO idea where the courage came from and it never happened again till now) and I said to her “if you hit me I am going to hit you back” and she just stood there like a stunned mullet with a small gasp out of her mouth.

    Now, I am fed up with her last actions in the past 5-6 months. We had a huge fight for something she did again behind my back which I told her more than 20 times not to do and my father and sister are not talking to me coz I finally stood up to her. NM is calling me every 2 weeks to get favours for others and to vacuum me in. I am in so much pain for being treated in such awful ways and I know I have never asked for it. The only reason why I fought her was coz I wanted to be treated well.

    As much as my family has hurt me mentally, emotionally and physically, the thing that hurts me the most is that it never stops. The pushiness of NM trying to get her way when clearly I am not interested any more. Yes, I have lost everything and everyone in my life but I feel like I can reverse the effects on my own. I kept telling people that my mother wants me to be miserable but I think not even I really believed it until I found out about NPD’s.

    Thank you all for giving me hope xx

  10. By: jessica Posted: 19th January 2016

    I can so relate to the whole dismissive father thing. My best memory, I am not kidding, is when my father helped me wash my hands once. Once. That’s it. Once.
    My father was certainly as destructive as my mother if not more so with his indifference. When I went to him at 19 to tell him I was pregnant (my son was due on Dec 13th and I didn’t want to show up on our one visit a year with a baby) his response was “we aren’t going to be here anyway (so there was no need to tell him I guess).

    I finally have wised up and at age 50 when he threw myself and my husband out of his home office when we were visiting, I decided we would never go back.

    F…! Him. And we haven’t been back. He is 87 now and lives in another state. His wife is 20 some years younger and takes his crap. I found out on the same trip that they had actually been involved since 1969. It slipped. Talk about having your whole life be a lie.

    My husband asks sometimes about calling him on holidays or fathers day etc and I think he finally gets it. Talk about not investing. He has 4 off spring and has nothing to do with any of them except maybe my older sister. And i am pretty sure she is the one who initiates any contact.

    I have to mention, none of us talk to any other of us. 4 only children. Interestingly both my parents are only children. Hmmm.

    I will overcome and not let him continue the passive abuse (or dismissiveness for sure).

    I love my 3 adult children and tell them all the time.I have invested a lot of time their whole lives and more importantly myself. I WILL break the terrible cycle.

    Jessica

  11. By: Jay Posted: 9th January 2015

    Thank you, Andria, Carrie H, Darlene, and Marquis Crumpton. I am honored by your kind words, and I wish you all the best in your personal journeys. Carrie H., I just finished reading your “Bottle Breaker” essay, and I was quite affected by its word choice and central metaphor. And you are right: It is not our job to save our lost fathers.

    I am no longer the deeply fragmented man I used to be; but, in all truth, as my life steadily improved, I felt compulsively guilty, as if I should now play the role of the enlightened rescuer, descending on high, with white wings and flaming sword in hand, saving my father, my mother, my whole estranged family from their self-perpetuating hell. As an adult, I can see their unconscious chains; I can see what binds them to fear, pain, and trauma; and I sometimes still hate myself because if only I was more spiritual, more profound, more loving then I could heal all and succor all with love.

    That compulsive need to rescue is, of course, a false Self; and, as Darlene reminds us, a relationship is a two-way street. It is not the job of the injured party to make the relationship right, especially when the oppressor is guided by the will-to-power rather than an unconditional will-to-love.

    Marquis, I am sorry to hear about your experience with an obviously incompetent therapist.

    During one of his lectures, the noted psychologist James Hollis said that none of us walk into therapy on our feet; rather, we crawl in our on our knees. This is why entering therapy is a courageous act, and in the right circumstances, even a sacred one. (Temenos, means sacred place in Attic Greek, and in the parlance of modern depth psychology, it is a place where ego can reconnect with spirit.) However, our society still stigmatizes those who enter therapy, especially men. To seek healing is a courageous act, one that should be celebrated and validated; instead, mediocre humorists still trot out the cliché image of the neurotic lying on the couch while a bearded psychiatrist takes notes. Ha-ha, isn’t that funny, a grown man still whining about his mother. Get over it. Oh, he has OCD, too? Hilarious. What kind of wacko is scared of doorknobs. Oh, he has PTSD? OK, not so funny. In fact, he’s scary. Keep your distance; keep the Taser handy. He might start a rampaging any moment.

    So, with these grotesque stereotypes still floating around like so much trash, is it any wonder why people delay life-saving counsel? And if a therapist turns out to be a web-footed quack or our family members monkey-wrench the process, then we, the victims, are pulled that much further away from the waters of life. When I started seeking counsel, I begged and begged my mother to join in me therapy, saying that we would both grow from the experience. This was her response:

    “Absolutely not. This is the way I am, and this is the way I want to be. And I’m not changing for your or anyone else!”

    When she said these words, my hands began shaking: I knew then that I no longer had a mother.

    And here is how my brothers, the Family Hero and the Family Jester, reacted to my seeing a therapist:

    “You need to find yourself a different shrink!” said the Family Jester, as he goaded me to swing on him (which I did not, by the way). “You have no right to be angry at this family! No right!”

    “My job is protect my mother’s illusions,” said the Family Hero, as he cursed my very existence. “You are nothing without this family! Nothing! Don’t you dare walk away!”

    This is the voice of the oppressor: you have no right. You are an object. Take it. Don’t complain. Take these iron shackles. Shut up. Shame on you. Selfish. Bad. Selfish. Bad. Weak.

    Well, Hero and Jester, good luck with that, boys (and I do mean that–boys–because you will never become men). Even though you are the favored children, you will spend the rest of your lives as human Caryatids, propping up mom’s pathological ego. I take no pleasure in knowing this; your fate saddens and terrifies me. The poet Kabir knows what happens to those who disown spirit in favor of ego.

    [I talk to my inner lover]
    By Kabir

    I talk to my inner lover, and I say, why such
    rush?
    We sense that there is some sort of spirit that loves
    birds and animals and the ants–
    perhaps the same one who gave a radiance to you in
    your mother’s womb.
    Is it logical you would be walking around entirely
    orphaned now?
    The truth is you turned away yourself,
    and decided to go into the dark alone.
    Now you are tangled up in others, and have forgotten
    what you once knew,
    and that’s why everything you do has some weird
    failure in it.

    What is sacred within us can never truly be destroyed; it can be hidden by an oppressor’s fog, forgotten, even covered in ice and mud, but it is still there, ready to shine, ready to serve us. Because of my new work schedule, I might not be able to post or respond for a while, but I am indeed privileged to be in such good company. Best of health to you all.

  12. By: marquis crumpton Posted: 3rd January 2015

    “But my wounds did not matter to him: I was supposed to “take the good with the bad,” even when my narcissistic mother and enabling family pushed me to the edge of madness and death.”

    Agreed. I was told to take the good with bad, shit, IDK what the hell people out there are suggesting but it s very dangerous. Like I told people/ex-therapist you’re teaching people/children to put up with this kind of abuse but never put up with friends or employers! It’s very contradicting advice to give to anyone. Yep, everybody got irate when I said that lol.

    “A platitudinous, do-nothing father, incapable of protecting his children, much less himself from his cruel and all-devouring spouse.”

    Yep, dad kissing mom’s ass and vice versa. For someone to be such a narc knowing everything, he certainly didn’t have a backbone with my mom.

    “He even accompanied me to my first therapy visit, and I saw this as promising; however, I soon realized that he thought the purpose of therapy was for me to accept my mother’s behavior without expecting her to change.”

    I was told by my dad to accept her behavior and was told that in therapy to “accept my parents’ behavior too.” Funny, you don’t accept a stranger and friend’s behavior like that, but with family it comes as a contract?!?

    “Of course, as the fog burns off, trauma survivors often see their dysfunctional parents as they really are: broken, manipulative, irresponsible, ego-driven, and utterly inadequate as guides and mentors.”

    Thank you and amen! Been saying this for years! that describes mine also add in: just mere children because they still can’t be adults, “children” raising children/have adult children, gotta live their lives through their children, they are exempt from consequences (yea that is ego driven), etc. Seriously, they are no position to raise children at all why don’t a therapist just come out and admit it instead of kissing their asses and feeling sorry for them?

    “I am the problem; I am the weakling, the crooked nail, the deluded screw-up. Hurry up; get fixed. Your brokenness is interfering with your duty to us.”

    True. That’s how my “parents” still treat me.

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