When Children are not Regarded as Actual People

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I was thinking about the attitude that so much of society has when it comes to children; that children don’t really have rights.  That they don’t have a right to have an opinion because it is believed by so many that they don’t’ really “know” anything yet so they are not given a voice. It is believed that they don’t even have real feelings OR a right to their feelings… (think about how children are commonly disciplined) that they don’t deserve respect; think about how they are treated and spoken to by most adults and often bullied and threatened by teachers.  It isn’t that children don’t need guidance and ground rules, but it is the WAY that it is done that is such a big problem as though they NEED to be disciplined and to know their place ~ or they might become crazed malfunctioning members of society. When this is the attitude that children are regarded with, they are actually disregarded as people. They are “devalued” meaning that they are defined by the actions of others as having “less value”.

Did you know that historically, it was believed that parents needed to get total mastery over their children right away or the children would run all over them and end up being the ones with all the control over the parents.  Parenting authorities wrote volumes about how to “break their spirits” so that children would never question the authority of a parent.  It was believed that children had no memory prior to the age of five years old, so it was believed that no damage would be done to the child if harmful means were used to gain this control.  I often wonder how much of this attitude has been carried over into present day belief systems and parenting ways.

Have you thought about what actually happens to these children who are not regarded as PEOPLE with equal value? I mean did you ever think that maybe this is the root of the reason that we have so much struggle with depression and low self esteem issues in our society? Why do so many people, including some teachers and parents believe that these disregarded disrespected children will become well adjusted adults?

How would that even be possible? How can someone go from NOT being valued or regarded as a person with equal rights, to suddenly accepting responsibility and living up to the expectations of the very people who originally determined that they didn’t have equal (if any) value?

What about that expression “Children should be seen and not heard”?

Or should I say Children should NOT be seen OR heard.  Perhaps, (the adults who regard children in this way believe that) children should be sequestered until they are around twenty years old, and then they should emerge into society, fully responsible, fully functioning, and fully in charge of their own lives, self esteem, confident that they can make a difference in the world and a contribution to society.

Does that make sense to you? It seems to me to be the way that children are regarded when it comes to adults. That first they are raised being defined as “less than everyone else” and then expected to be fully functional, together, ready to get married and have children of their own!

Children have rights as PEOPLE. I was a child who wasn’t regarded as a valid person. I didn’t have a voice. I didn’t have a stamp of approval. I was pushed away, hushed, threatened, violated, beaten, betrayed and it was communicated to me in so many ways that I didn’t matter. I was not a valid part of the big picture. I was not really necessary to the overall success of the family dynamic.  I had my first serious depression when I was ten years old. (There is a reason for that!) No one thought about what caused it. It was “just the way I was”.  I tried harder and harder. AND then, when I “grew up” I was reprimanded and judged for my difficulties with life, for my choices in men, and basically just for the way that I “turned out”.

BUT how did the adults in this dysfunctional society think I would turn out when I was not valued or validated as a child in the first place? And the answer to that question is that they didn’t THINK at all.  I was only a child after all, what was there to think about? AND that is my point.

Don’t those adults remember what it felt like to be that same kid who was treated like they didn’t really matter? Don’t they remember the shame, the humiliation, the loneliness and the confusion? Don’t they realize where their own low self esteem came from in the first place? I guess not. But this cycle has to stop and all the bullying programs in the world are not going to stop the bullying unless the adults realize that they are the ones teaching (by example) the bullying to the kids.

Children are PEOPLE. And I am speaking for all of us who were ALSO once children.  Young people have EQUAL value to everyone else. (I am not talking about equal authority; I am strictly talking about value.)  Children need love and nurturing so they can love and nurture. They need to be respected so that they learn to respect. Kids need to be validated and to be heard so that they can grow in self esteem and confidence.  Children need to be taught by example how they should treat others. It has to be modeled by the adults!

When people are disregarded we learn to disregard. Some learn to disregard others, some of us disregard ourselves, some people learn to do both.  When the message is “you don’t matter” the results are not going to be high self esteem.

What messages did you get as a child and how did they impact YOUR life.  Can you see that those messages were in fact lies? What beliefs about yourself developed as a result of those false messages about your value? Please share.

Busting through the FOG ~ there is freedom on the other side!

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Related Posts ~ when leave well enough alone involves crimes against children

Adult Victims of Child Abuse still need to be Heard

Damaging Labels and Dysfunctional family histroy

Little Lies accepted as Truth

 

 

 

118 response to "When Children are not Regarded as Actual People"

  1. By: Carlos Posted: 12th March 2016

    As my father made it a point in my life to always be a person to whom I can run to for help, I sought for his assistance in complicated situations. However whenever I wanted to do something on my own or I ask him to show how a certain thing is done, he would just brush off my initiative to be independent and be like: “Dad will take care of it son.”

    Not only was my independence thwarted, I also had to endure side comments like: “Jeez Carl, that is such an easy thing to do on your own, why did you have to call me?”
    or “You and your sister will have your own kids too one day, and you need to be responsible.” (Heaven forbid for my children to ever come across you)

    So the price to ask for assistance is a lack of confidence in doing certain things as well as being told that you will not have any worth in the future. Add to the fact that the efforts will be hurled towards you, when you decide to stand up for yourself.

    Today I am slowly taking charge of my own life, though it will take a while to rebuild myself from all of the “stones” that have piled up on me within my 22 years of existence. I need help with my computer? Google it or take it to a technician. I need a father? I will parent myself in the way that I should have been parented (I am not going to conform to that saying: People don’t get what they want, but what they deserve). If I were to need certain people’s help, I will go to those who will trust that I can do what is needed once I am shown the necessary requirements.

    I am not stupid nor am I worthless. I believe I can spread my wings without those people who have constantly torched them to bits, everytime I decided to “be me”

    If that is a “sin” then it really is no longer my problem if their perceptions in life is as shallow as their personalities.

  2. By: Carlos Posted: 14th February 2016

    I wasn’t allowed to feel bad when I stuffed up or when my abusers stuffed up. One time I broke the ceramic rod of the propeller in our aquarium’s canister filter and I was devastated (The filter has barely spent a week in our home and a part was already broken). Anyway when Dad (him again?) and I cleaned the said filter, I was like I really don’t feel like touching that particular part anymore (the propeller and ceramic rod) as it’s too fragile and I might break it again. The goody two shoes suddenly snapped and said: “Seriously, get over that time, stop being so negative! Continue to do that and you will not expose yourself to the bright ideas, you will just continuously drown in negativity!” Um excuse me, where did that outburst come from? Was I wrong to decide to be careful by choosing not to touch that particular part again? To me I wasn’t being pessimistic, I was just merely pointing out that a piece of the filter was fragile and that I was willing not to touch it anymore if it meant that I wasn’t going to break a second ceramic rod and result in us having to source out an alternative (which btw is a huge pain in the ass). Funny enough though my Dad who is “Mr. Positive” always feels the need to bag me out when I am negative, when he clearly exhibits the same range of emotions as I whenever he is driving with Mom (I don’t like driving when Mom’s around either to but I don’t start spreading Get over it speeches to those who feel bad). Oh right I understand now, I am not entitled to feel anything, but my Dad does. Mom snapped at your shit driving? Get over it Dad, move on, or you’ll constantly drown in negativity!

  3. By: Charles Browne Posted: 15th October 2014

    This comment is about a family that was in my neighborhood when I was growing up. I grew up in a very dysfunctional neighborhood, not eccentric, dysfunctional. I did have experiences with this family, as related below, but this comment is somewhat more about the children of that family.

    When I was around eight or nine in the neighborhood I grew up in there was a family that lived in a house that was within view of my parent’s house. That family had two boys, both around my age, and one daughter. I would think the daughter was around two or three years old and her name was Dawn. I do remember that the father was around some but I don’t recall that he was around much, and he was probably in his thirties. At my young age I didn’t (and still don’t) know anything about the inner workings of that family, or the parent’s backgrounds.

    One night, maybe between nine and ten o’clock, the oldest boy of that family ran over to my parent’s house to get my dad. What had happened is that the father of that family had barricaded himself in the house and had his daughter Dawn with him. He was, for all intents and purposes, holding his daughter hostage, and he was intoxicated.

    I can still remember seeing the police cars in the street in front of that family’s house with their spotlights aimed on the house. And I can still remember seeing that man standing inside the house, in front of a window, holding his daughter Dawn in front of his chest. And I can still vaguely remember the look of astonishment on young Dawn’s face as she looked out of that window. I couldn’t imagine what her young eyes and mind were seeing or thinking. I was only around eight or nine watching this happen.

    I don’t know the age of the oldest boy of that family (Buddy), but he couldn’t have been much older than me, but he was heavier (fatter). Me and him used to get in fights and he always won. His favorite thing was to tackle me to the ground and sit on my back and then grab my chin with both hands and pull my head back toward him. I’m lucky he didn’t damage my neck. I think he liked watching wrestling and learned that “move” from there.

    One day me, Buddy (the oldest boy of that family), and his mother were standing outside in front of their front door, and again I was only around eight or nine years old, and I must have said something that pissed his mother off because the next thing I know she said to her son (Buddy), “Get him!”, meaning me (I put that “Get him!” in quotes because I remember exactly what she said). And there I go running from Buddy and he tackles me fairly quickly, sits on my back and pulls my head and neck back toward him.

    I think Buddy and his family moved out of the neighborhood when I was around ten and I never saw any of them again.

    When I was twenty-four I crossed paths with someone that had been in that neighborhood during the time period mentioned above (beginning of the 1970’s) and he offered up the information that at some time in the past Buddy had died of a heroin overdose. I never learned what became of Dawn or the other brother.

    And since learning at twenty-four that Buddy had died of a heroin overdose, I have at various times caught myself thinking about Buddy, and those early days, and have asked God, and sometimes not even to God, but just saying out loud in a questioning way, What chance did Buddy have?.

    I mean he and his siblings came from a very dysfunctional family. And when I thought in the last few years about his mother saying “Get him!”, in reference to me, I thought here was a boy (Buddy) that wanted his mother’s love and approval so much, that when she said “Get him!”, he didn’t hesitate. She said “Get him!” as if she were giving orders to a dog.

    And their dad. Here was a man that was so starved for attention that he was willing to endanger and traumatize his own family and especially that young girl.

    ******************************************

    I had mentioned in one earlier comment that I had left on Darlene’s site that when I was in my mid twenties that I had checked out a book from the library that was on How to be a Man. The reason I did that is because when I was growing up there weren’t any adult role models that I could learn from really. If there were any adult role models around me I wasn’t aware of them, or not around them for long enough of a time to learn anything. My dad didn’t drink alcohol and that is good but other than that my dad had his own junk he was reacting to.

    The only role models I really had growing up were movie actors (John Wayne, James Cagney, etc.) and maybe characters I had read about in books. I remember when I was in around nineth or tenth grade a teacher said something to me and I fired back a line that I had heard either John Wayne or Clint Eastwood say in a movie that I had seen the previous weekend.

  4. By: DXS Posted: 20th June 2014

    What about that expression “Children should be seen and not heard”?

    My mom used to “jokingly” say this during my childhood. I didn’t think she was serious.

    During a recent conversation where I did a “Law and Order SVU interrogation” of her regarding childhood issues and I backed her in a corner, she blurted this out. I WAS FLOORED! I didn’t realize she actually bought into that crap!

    But my mom used to use “joking” as a way to cover up that she was uncomfortable about something. She would say to me, “Can’t you take a joke, I like to tease people….” No, she is NOT a “tease.” One of my cousins is a “tease” it’s her integral personality. But it’s not part of mom’s personality. Teasing is not her style. It’s just a “cover up.” I finally told her, “You use ‘teasing’ as a cover when you are uncomfortable.” She stopped the teasing on me, but now she says, “I have to walk on eggshells around you.” well, guess what mom, I walked on eggshells my whole life around YOU!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st June 2014

      Hi Everyone!!! The e-book ~ MY BOOK!! “Emerging from Broken ~ The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is finally almost ready to publish!! One of the big things left to do is collect the endorsements. And how better to get them then ask for them from YOU ~ my readers and the commenters here on the website!! Please help me by sharing the impact that this website has had on you on my new post here:
      https://emergingfrombroken.com/emerging-from-broken-book-news-and-my-birthday-wishes/
      Thanks everyone, hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Marie Posted: 20th June 2014

    What about that expression “Children should be seen and not heard”?
    Or should I say Children should NOT be seen OR heard. Perhaps, (the adults who regard children in this way believe that) children should be sequestered until they are around twenty years old, and then they should emerge into society, fully responsible, fully functioning, and fully in charge of their own lives, self esteem, confident that they can make a difference in the world and a contribution to society.

    I ’emerged’ a complete mess because of this upbringing- I was very very naive and believed everything people said to me which left me open to abuse and that is exactly what happened, because I was a ‘nobody’ that is how others treated me and how i treated myself- I did not matter- my needs meant nada- anytime i tried to speak i was silenced- my opinions were null and void- trying to voice the abuse, rape, uncle who was abusing me- none if it was validated- it fell on deaf ears- the abusers were much more important than my feeble voice- well I have found my voice now and boy am I using it!!
    ”How can someone go from NOT being valued or regarded as a person with equal rights, to suddenly accepting responsibility and living up to the expectations of the very people who originally determined that they didn’t have equal (if any) value?”this is SO true Darlene, thank you for making sense of something i struggled so hard to understand- i used to be hushed and silenced when i tried to ask for help- i was even nicknamed by my father as ‘Marie ‘want”, I remember writing him a letter when i was a teenager and he underlined the words ‘I’ in every sentence and called me a selfish person because it was all about ‘me’. That letter was written because they did not listen to me when i tried to ask for help. For years i struggled to use the word ‘I’ in a sentence because of him highlighting it, but now through counselling that word has not become taboo for me anymore. You have no idea (or maybe you do by now) how much your website is helping me to write my feelings and say things i have always kept in my head. Raising kids to have no voice is the ultimate form of abuse….. xxx

  6. By: DXS Posted: 14th June 2013

    From Darlene: What messages did you get as a child and how did they impact YOUR life. Can you see that those messages were in fact lies? What beliefs about yourself developed as a result of those false messages about your value? Please share.
    *******************************************************************
    1. My feelings don’t matter, only mother’s feelings matter and I’m supposed to “feel” the same way.

    How it impacted my life: When ever I would ask an “authority” person for something (like a supervisor), I would always preface it with, “It’s not that important (even if it WAS to me), but I would appreciate it if……” And then I would observe co-workers who would ask for (what to me was) trivial stuff (ok, I don’t have the right to judge…) and say, “It’s IMPORTANT!” And I would wonder how they had the guts to say “It’s IMPORTANT” for (what to me was) a trivial thing? Ok, the fact that I’m even making a judgement statement about something being trivial……

    2. “NO” was never an option.

    Mom would phrase things as “optional” (as in, “would you like to sweep the floor?”) and punish you for saying “no.” I won’t say much more, as I put more details on this in another comment.

    How it impacted my life: People don’t like you when you say No, so you are never allowed to say no.

    3. Don’t EVER EVER EVER hurt Mom’s feelings. (But if she hurts my feelings, I get, “you misunderstood, I didn’t mean it that way…..”, again the “it’s my fault.”)

    How it impacted my life: I learned to “say what she wanted to hear” which created a “phony” relationship based on lies. The first time I blew up at her I was in my mid 30’s. She had no idea I was holding this all in, but she didn’t want to hear it after she found out. She wanted to continue the phoniness, but of course she will deny that up and down and insist that I be “real.” This also impacted my life because I transferred this behavior to boyfriends. Say what they want to hear so they will never break up with me.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th June 2013

      Hi DXS
      Good work, thanks for sharing. 🙂 It was by looking at the way the ‘rules’ were set out for me (but didn’t apply to her) that began the process of understanding why I felt and operated the way that I did. I asked myself “Is it right that in order to be “loved” or “safe” that I need to say only what she wants to hear? Is it right that I don’t matter? And the answer was NO it isn’t right or fair or LOVE. And it was when I realized that by their actions I had been rejected all my life, that I no longer feared their rejection.
      Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Connie Posted: 14th June 2013

    Well, Darlene, as usual you are hitting the nail on the head. DEVALUED….wow, one word that could not describe my childhood better (not to mention just about every other child on the planet). I often refer to the way I was treated as a child as being a “piece of furniture” in my home. Meaning the furniture got about as much attention as I did. Being the 9th of 13 children, my mother kept pumping the kids out in order to keep my father in her life. My older sisters often tell me that the small children and babies in the home were never tucked into bed at night and normally there were several toddlers in the home that would cry themselves to sleep night after night. I’m often amazed none of my siblings have committed suicide, although there have been many attempts…2 by me.
    If my mother would have been raising her children in today’s world more than likely she would have lost custody of them. I often liken my childhood to that of a child who grew up in a poorly staffed, inadequate orphanage. There was no attention given to the children, food was hard to come by at times and the children where just highly disregarded as human beings. I don’t ever remember my mother telling me she loved me, tucking me into bed, or even one time telling me she was proud of me for getting a good report card (I got straight A’s my entire school career). Makes me shutter today when I realize just how abused and neglected me and my siblings were….but you want to know the sickest part? I never even realized how severe the abuse was till I was in my 50’s! That is because my mother had become masterful at making her kids feel whatever she was feeling even into their adult lives. Out of her 13 children, 2 are now dead, 3 have finally figured out how abusive and dysfunctional the family system is and have removed themselves from futher contact, and 8 are still wallowing in the dyfunction, and most of them have severe additions and personality disorders. All I can do is pray for them…I certainly can’t reason with them. I feel blessed I made it out….even though it took me half my life and heartache words cannot adequately describe, I am finally starting to emerge from broken. Love to all who visit these pages!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th June 2013

      Hi Connie,
      Thank you for sharing your hope!
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: DXSMac Posted: 13th June 2013

    Chris, I feel for ya. Our families have the issues but WE are the ones in therapy, so ipso facto we are the ones who are crazy, let’s them off the hook.

    As for me, I just want to “feel” something for my mother. I feel nothing. ZERO. Don’t hate her, don’t feel love for her. ZERO.

  9. By: Chris Posted: 13th June 2013

    Gosh! all of these comments bring to my mind so many instances where I was made to feel small and was treated like a non-person. Not only was I treated in this manner, but so was my father and most of my brothers. Recently, my grandmother passed and so did my mother, both in the same year. This passing has brought up some issues that my family has been discussing. This same issue of not being treated like a person with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, desires, goals, et al. is now being talked about and manifested in most of our households now. Prior to 2012 we never talked about anything of substance. some of us were manipulated in horrible ways by mother. we were turned against each other in the most sinister of ways. we were made to believe in lies about our family such as we were “perfect” and the “model” family, yet behind closed doors rage lived.

    I was told, after seeking professional counseling as an adult, that I was crazy by my mother.

    Me (in the kitchen): Mom, I am going to see a therapist because I have been dealing with problems that I cannot explain.

    Mom: I always knew that you were crazy…

    (she then turned and walked away)

    I cannot tell you all how many times that I considered killing myself for feeling hopeless and utterly worthless. I was never validated by this woman. Never comforted by her, and I don’t even have one memory of being held by her…not one folks.

    I was there with my brother when she passed away…I was always there for her. A couple of months prior to her passing away, she actually told me “I can’t believe that it was you who stood by me”. WOW!!!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th June 2013

      Hi Chris
      This is such a huge thing! I HAD to validate all the things that happened to me that had never been validated so that I could finally validate me. All the trauma stamped a big “invalid” on my heart and the only thing that removed that stamp was the work that I did to undo the lies that put it there.
      Thanks for sharing, I hear you.
      hugs, Darlene

  10. By: DXSMac Posted: 12th June 2013

    A story I remember. When I was a child, and even a teen, my Mom had this high school girl working for her in the summer, doing housekeeping and whatever. I noticed that Mom talked “differently” to this high school girl than she did to me. Even when I was 12! This high school girl was really into movies. So I tuned in to the movies this high school girl liked, and then I tell Mom “Hey, [such and such a movie that the high school girl liked] is on TV, may I watch it?” Mom would say “yes” but her reaction was STILL not what I wanted…… I kept feeling frustrated but didn’t know why. I just figured it out four years ago (and I’m in my 50’s!) what my frustration was. It was mom’s VOICE. Mom would talk to the high school girl in her “adult” voice, yet she would talk to me in “mommy” voice. I wanted her to talk to me in “adult” voice. But at the time, I didn’t realize that was what was frustrating me. And I was unable to tell her what I wanted. This is an example of the “I cannot connect to my emotions” thing. And an example of “children don’t count no matter how old they are.”

  11. By: DXS Posted: 12th June 2013

    “Children need to be taught by example how they should treat others. It has to be modeled by the adults! ”

    No kidding! I always got the “Do as I say, not as I do” crap. Um….. if YOU don’t hold yourself to that standard why should I be held to it?

    Plus, maybe I was being too literal, but my mom would phrase things as “optional” then punish you if you said no. “Would you like to do the dishes?” ME, hearing that doing the dishes doesn’t seem to be mandatory, reply, “NO.” (followed by punishment for disobeying…..) Technically, I DID NOT DISOBEY! She phrased it as “optional.” I once asked her why she did that. She said, “people work harder if they think they have a choice.” Um…. I saw through her game. THERE WAS NO CHOICE, ONLY THE APPEARANCE OF ONE! When I confronted her with that, then it was, “well, I don’t know how to give orders.” Um….. is that MY fault? Am I supposed to carry around this “UNIVERSAL DECODER BOOK” to decode what she says versus what she means? If she had phrased it as a requirement, I would have obeyed. But she phrased it as “optional.” Actually, this is what Deborah Tannen discusses in two of her books, and female managers, who have been “culturally conditioned” to phrase things as a question, often confuse male subordinates, who don’t perceive an “order” from something phrased as a “question.”

    Thus, I learned that even if things are phrased as “optional,” actually saying “no” was never an option. Mousie in a maze trying to avoid getting shocked…….. Thus, I learned to say what she wanted to hear, and not what I felt, and thus began the “phony relationship.”

  12. By: Monka Posted: 10th June 2013

    Oh this post is so true. In my family it was “children and fish have no voice” and my mum would ask me to leave the room if any adults were visiting when I was a child (mostly famlily as my mum didn’t really invite anyone over and my dads mates were not welcomed). On top of that there was this how very crippling “you are the way you are and nothing can be done about it”… So not true!
    I have very much chabged over the past couple of years and becoming more and more aware. I have relised that the main message I got from home was that I didn’t deserve love because there was nothing good about me (this was validated by contstant critisism, at times justified although not the way it was delivered, but mostly unjustified) and that’s why for a long time I put up with disrespect received from others, bullying and horrible abusive relationships but now the time has come to stop it. I have managed to terminate a long and abusive relationship with a very controling person who abviously was just “looking out for me and wanted me to be happy”, bla, bla, bla…
    What does get me still is the fact that my older sister is still very much it her visious circle and repeats the behaviour of our parents even though she does not seem to be aware of that at all. She’s 9 years older then me and still in touch with our parents (mainly I think cos she still relies on them for various things) even though she seemed to have gone through much more abuse than I did. Guess my partents were much more strict with her and left me to my own devices as I was their second child. It really pains me that she cannot see that as she also has a child who she desrespects, shouts at and calls names. I can’t quite believe that she would do that after what she had gone through and still going, but guess they have done more damage to her to be able to see what exactly she is doing… I’m sure she believes her parenting is good, but then this is what I’m sure my parents believe in too. The fact that they don’t have a clue how to raise or even just treat children is another matter but it has made the healing process for me easier – even though I used to think my parents hated me, I now know that they were doing they best. I know my parents love me in their weird and twisted way, I don’t feel it at all, but at least now I know this. I also know that they don’t understand love and don’t know how to feel it or show it. They just repeat what they learned at home with not even one thought about it. Sad, but I cannot do muc about it, just accept and move on. I now know I’m not the person I thought I was so just trying to work out now. I can now also see that my parents also thought me some useful skills that have massively helped me in my life and try to concentrate more on positives and not like my parents thought me – negatives only. It really helps! Meditation is also great in many ways like releasing bad emotions. Not easy for me to get meditating but when I do its so worth it – gives me so much strenght, hope and positive energy. Helps me learn how to love myself so eventually I will be able to go out there and be with someone I can love. Cat wait. I think the fact that we here shows we have come a long way. The fact that we are discussing our experiences so openly shows that even more. Each journey starts with one step – we have taken a lot and we are not going to give up!!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th June 2013

      Hi Monka
      Welcome to EFB
      It was so important for me to face the damage they caused before I tried to understand where they were coming from. One has not much to do with the other when it came to my personal healing. In my case my parents didn’t do their best and I know that because of the way they hid what they were doing from other people.
      Thanks for sharing, Its wonderful that you have the insights that you have!
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Connie Posted: 10th February 2013

    Darlene,
    I came across this article today, because after reading your most recent article, it made me think….why is this family dysfunction thing so prevelant in our society….So I did that Google search thing you told me about by putting “whey are children devalued in our society, emerging from broken” and this was the article that came up. I relate to all of it 100%.
    I wonder if you ever heard of a website called “Break the Cycle” It is run by a retired psychiatrist, it’s absolutely free and there are no ads of any kind (much like this site is). Anyway, I’ve been poking around on that site as well and there is alot of good stuff there. The Dr.’s whole premise for putting his website for people to use freely is because he saw so much family dysfunction in his 35 years of practice that he realizes it eventually leads to most if not all of what is wrong in our culture. The site is set up like an online course. However, to complete the whole course would probably take several months up to a year. It is quite extensive. He also has many videos because he realizes some people just won’t read. I think it’s an interesting website. Check it out, and if you agree, feel free to share it. Here’s the web address: http://www.sfhelp.org/

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th February 2013

      Hi Connie
      I went to the site but I don’t have time to delve into yet. Since I have never heard of this site before so I can’t endorse it until I have time to look farther. At a glance it looks like he is talking about what I am talking about, but I can’t find the solution stuff and that is the most important part of this.

      Just to clarify, the site author is a retired social worker, not a Dr. or psychiatrist. It is great that you have found something that is helping you!

      Hugs, Darlene
      p.s. something that may also interest you is the work of Pete Walker MFT.

  14. By: Patrick Tulley Posted: 9th July 2011

    Darlene, thanks for the tip.. Still learning blog etiquette, so thanks awfully for your comments.. 🙂

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