When a Mother says She is the Victim of her Adult Children


book photo 16 robinI received the following request from a reader through the contact page here in the Emerging from Broken website.

“I was reading on your FB page about a post you had written about a year ago. It was about a “narcissistic mother” that demanded honor from her daughter. But I have a question for you; what about a mother that has truly been hurt by her children? I am one such mother. I have been “there” for my children countless times. I have emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financially supported them in anything they wanted and wanted to do in their lives. I have told them all of their lives that I love them and believe they have the power to do and be anything they set their minds to. As a result they have thrown insults back at me and called me names. To this end they have basically abandoned me telling me I am worthless and a burden. I am a little upset that you seem to take the side of the child in most of your posts without balance. I would like to see you post that there is balance in all things. Signed, Hurt Mother who loves her children endlessly and doesn’t understand.”

First of all, I would like to qualify that in my work here in Emerging from Broken I am not advocating or empowering grown children to rise up and abuse their parents. I am not in favor of abuse of any kind. I am not supporting revenge on parents and I am NOT advocating or recommending that grown children go ‘no contact’ with their parents which I believe is an individual choice that each person has the right to make. Emerging from Broken and my work here represents the concept of equal value for all human beings and it’s about learning what love is through the truth about equal value, which in dysfunctional families is grossly misunderstood. What I am trying to do with my articles, speaking etc. is EXPOSE the TRUTH about relationships that are out of balance such as where the entitlement of parents rules over everyone or where the rules in love and relationship that apply to the children (even grown children) are not the same for the children as they are for the parents. EVERYONE has a choice about continuing or discontinuing in relationship. I am advocating for and empowering people to make those choices through looking at the truth through understanding equal value and the true definition of love.   

The first part of her question is

what about a mother that has truly been hurt by her children?” and this is a valid question; I know that there are lots of grown up children out there that hurt and even abuse their parents and I am not an advocate for that treatment but my question is always “Where did it start? Did it start with the child, or did it start when the child was devalued in childhood?” So I look for what I call ‘the truth leaks.” In this case as in most cases of upset mothers who write to me, the writer goes on to reveal other things that reveal these “truth leaks”.

This writer mentions that there is ‘balance’ which in this case I read it as balance when it comes to the blame. The strange thing is though that in her email she herself is blameless; she presents the story in a ‘hard to believe’ way. She says that she has done nothing but LOVE, validate and empower her children and the result of that was that they insulted her, told her that she is worthless and that she is a burden. This sounds strange to me because I have never met a grown child that has walked away from a loving supportive empowering parent. I acknowledge that this is just my experience but this question was asked to me, and I can only share MY experience.

But then, finally the woman states her real issue; the real problem is that this woman is upset that I take the side of the child ‘without balance’.

Here is my response to the “Dear Darlene” letter.

Dear Hurt Mother who loves her children endlessly and doesn’t understand;

You asked me “what about a mother that has been truly hurt by her children?” and my answer is that the situation you are writing about is not in my experience. I don’t write about what isn’t or hasn’t been MY experience. I am a mother to 3 children, 2 of whom are adults but I am not a hurt mother. I stopped that cycle. My writing is about what happened to me, how I faced it, the truth about the way I have come to understand it, all the things I tried and how they didn’t work, and finally I write about what did work and how I healed and overcame the dysfunctional family system that had done so much damage to me in the first place.

You state that you are upset that I ‘seem’ to take the side of the child;

I AM on the side of the child. I DO take the side of the child because that is where I found healing for myself. I took MY side but more importantly I took the side of the truth. You can be upset all you want but that doesn’t change what happened in my life. A mother and child relationship or father and child relationship doesn’t depend on the child. The child (as long as they are children) doesn’t bear any responsibility or contribute to the success of that relationship. The foundation for success of the relationship is up to the parents. I am writing about the outcome of the parent child relationship when the parent (MY PARENTS) were not willing to be responsible for the outcome of the relationship when I was a child and that resulted in the lack of relationship that we have today. I am writing about the fact that although I am an adult today, THEY taught me how to have dysfunctional relationships and when I took my identity back I had to teach myself how to have functional relationships, even with my own children. My parents are not interested in looking at their part in any of this which is their choice but I decided that I also had a choice.

I don’t know your situation but in MY experience, children don’t grow up and cut contact with their parents when they have wonderful loving, supportive parents. At least not the readers and commenters of THIS blog and please understand that THIS blog is My blog, my story, my work, my website and my opinion.

You say; I have been “there” for my children countless times. I have emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financially supported them in anything they wanted and wanted to do in their lives. I have told them all of their lives that I love them and believe they have the power to do and be anything they set their minds to. As a result they have thrown insults back at me and called me names. To this end they have basically abandoned me telling me I am worthless and a burden.”

I just can’t get my head around this; you are saying that you have been this amazing mother, and as a result of your amazing love and support your children are insulting you, have called you names and basically abandoned you, telling you that you are worthless and a burden?

Perhaps your children can help you understand why they have withdrawn from you. Although I have no idea why this has happened to you, the thing is that this website isn’t about parents’ rights or parents feelings, it is about the children who grew up without knowing their own value because parents who believed that their rights as parents were all that mattered. It is about children and adult children validating that there WAS damage and that damage has had life-long effects. Validating that damage is the first step in overcoming the results of it.

Please understand that this is MY blog and it is about MY life and my experiences. Why do I have to write from the view point of the hurt mother? I am not a ‘hurt mother’. There is no healing or solution for me to appeal to my audience from the viewpoint of the hurt mother and MY website is about healing and solution. This website is about validating the child who grew up with invalidation. My website is obviously not for parents who feel that they were the ones who have been abused by their kids. I am sure that there is another website out there that will support your beliefs that this website isn’t fair to you as a mother. My parents also seem to believe that they are the victims in our situation too.

And finally, you ask me to post that there is a balance in all things. The truth is that there ISN’T balance in all things. The responsibility in relationship isn’t 50/50 when it comes to kids and parents. Parents are NOT blameless. Nobody is perfect but what does that have to do with anything we are talking about here? My mother was there for me sometimes. There were some good times, but the good doesn’t cancel the bad and the truth was pretty bad. The truth about the bad and how it wasn’t right, set me free to live. The fantasy that my mother couldn’t help it, and that she didn’t ‘mean any harm’ and that she didn’t know any better, is what kept me so depressed and struggling with my life. The thing is that even if she could not have done any better, I had a choice about how much I was willing to take. Setting boundaries with my parents (which means that I asked them for mutual respect and when they refused I realized there was no real relationship) was about validating and embracing MY worth. There is a balance in my life now, but not because I validate, accept and justify everything that they did anymore. If you want to read about enraged and unfairly treated parents of ungrateful, spoiled and entitled children, I know those sites are out there, but this isn’t one of them.

Sincerely and with love, Darlene Ouimet

I am not here to alter or sugar coat the truth for the sake of absolving parents of guilt but I am thrilled when parents are here to discover how to have better relationships with their children. My true purpose is about love and truth for everyone and I am here to validate the voice of the unheard child of dysfunctional family dynamics. I hope that this lost reader will find a website that helps her to understand her children instead of looking for one that helps her children understand her… but then again… maybe she just did.

Please share your thoughts!

Exposing Truth ~ one snapshot at a time  

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Related Posts ~ “Victim Blaming ~ When you are Blamed for the Core of your pain” Also see the highlighted or coloured phrases in the body of the post.

695 response to "When a Mother says She is the Victim of her Adult Children"

  1. By: Tundra Woman Posted: 17th May 2017

    Call Adult Protective Services in your County.
    Good luck.

  2. By: Colleen Posted: 15th May 2017

    Oh her response to what I do wrong is that I want a soul. That I am a soul taker. I am beside myself, and as an educated grown woman I have to laugh inside because she is a wild beast that has no ground for her attacks. God see’s everything, and I do believe in karma. But my god. I feel so boxed in and isolated and without help.

  3. By: Colleen Posted: 15th May 2017

    Please, I need help. Are there any resources in Pahrump, Nevada? I started recording my mom. Staying silent doesnt help because when she attacks me I automatically flinch and that makes her so much more upset. She says that she is the one that should be flinching. I can’t help it, its a knee jerk reaction. I pray everyday. She has turned everybody against me and tells me daily how much I am hated by everybody. My dad who has dementia is terrified that she is going to leave – that is a daily threat she uses, I wish that she would leave. She actually told me last night that I pulled my own tooth out! That there is no way that my tooth broke off, but that I pulled my own molar tooth. I ask her what I have done wrong and her response is that she will tell me when I am sitting behind bars in jail. I am scared. I am deeply hurt. I dont know how to handle this. I can’t leave because I have a dog, no car and now I am broke with no food stamps until next month. I am far out in the middle of nowhere, my friends are 300 miles away. Ive called shelters, there is a waiting list… I only have Medical. I am scared because this is escalating and she has my brother (who has never been here to visit nor have I seen him in person for years) convinced that I am an elderly abuser. Im afraid that she is going to put me in jail. She threatens that to me daily. She is now saying that she can call the police on me and have me removed. I have stayed quiet during these attacks – the most I say is all I want for you mom is to have love, kindness and compassion in your heart. And please tell me what I do wrong so I can fix it. Help! Please!!

  4. By: Scott Posted: 16th March 2017

    Wow, just googled some stuff that I’m dealing with and found this. Man, do I have a relevant story about my parents for the author if you are interested. My mother wrote me a pretty interesting “goodbye, I love letter” that sounds sincere, but is completely sinister. Trying to find ways to explain their behavior and rationalize it to myself. They basically lied to my two younger siblings so much about me to the point where they hate me now. And it is all because my parents just can’t admit they were wrong about some things. It seems my parents pride was more important to them than their relationship with me. Moreover, they made that decision for my siblings.

    • By: Colleen Posted: 14th May 2017

      I am going through the same thing Scott. To the point that my brother wants to press elderly abuse charges against me. Unfortunately I am stuck staying with them right now and it’s been one living hell. It makes me want to commit suicide just to show them the pain and suffering they cause me on a daily basis. My mother is a classic narcissist, gas lighting, scapegoating, turns every little thing around to be all about her. I have a broken tooth… well all of her teeth hurt. She tells me her biggest fear is that I will kill her, and she doesn’t mind dying, but that I would go to jail for the rest of my life. I have never laid a hand on my mom- only to hold myself while she hits and pounces on me. I make her food everyday and that’s the only time she says anything that isn’t an argument or horribly mean. Even if I have dirty clothes, that’s a threat and argument. “Well your going to have to help me do laundry.” But in a horrible, mean way. She makes me use all of my money and all of my food stamps and acts so sweet and I fall for it every time, so I am under her control. She has me- I am now broke and I have no choice but to endure daily threats, put downs and lies about me. It hurts beyond words to be accused of physical and emotional abuse when you are the one being severely abused daily. I now just don’t talk. I walk away and go deep within myself. My only joy is cooking and I pray daily for a way out. I’m in deep pain and I don’t know how to get out of this. Thank you for posting and thank you for this blog. It helps me feel like I am not alone and not crazy and that I am a good person.

  5. By: Suzette Wieser Posted: 13th February 2017

    Just read your blog, I’m still thinking about what I read, it’s absolutely amazing today what you can read on-line. It’s great to have a voice. It’s great to be heard. It’s great to be a listener. It’s amazing to share information with many especially from an experience where eventually healing bring a sense of peace, validation and well-being. After having worked within the many realms of Family Violence in Canada for over 35 years. This site reminds me of how it all began years ago, for women reaching out to each other around the kitchen table. Bless you all for sharing. Keep the voice alive and keep on sharing and learning from each other. This is a beautiful blog.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th February 2017

      Hi Suzette,
      Welcome to EFB ~ Yes, it is amazing how we can share our voices far and wide through this medium. 🙂 Thank you for your comments!
      hugs, Darlene

  6. By: pedro Posted: 1st February 2017

    A kidnapper will also provide you with food, shelter, and might even you treat you nicely. That doesn’t mean he loves you, does it? If you are ever free again, are you supposed to send him a Christmas card every year?

    Same goes to parents. You cannot expect to be loved by your children if you don’t truly love them, no matter the material things that you provide them or the nice things now and then that you may do for them.

    My parents never really showed love to me. There were some good times, but I was abused verbally, physically and emotionally since I can remember. My father was extremely violent, and an accident such as spilling water on the table was enough reason for a beating.

    Since I was a child, they repeated so many times that I was stupid and useless that I actually believed it. I remember one day, when I was 25 years old, and living alone already, that I thought “wait a minute… I’m not a stupid, useless person. My parents were not right”. That was the day when I started to be myself.

    Today I’m in my early 30s, and I’m starting to learn what love is, and how it feels. I’be been on the verge of officially cutting off my parents for many years. Just thinking about cutting off those abusers makes me feel free, and hungry for the real love that awaits for me outside.

    Thanks Darlene for this website. It made me realize that I am not the one to blame. Cutting off parents is a hard decision, even for abused people. A child who was treated with real love would not even think about it.

  7. By: Bren Posted: 17th January 2017

    I to am from a dysfunctional family in which my narcissistic mother who never showed much love to three of her four children, but expects those three children to stop what they are doing and jump at her every command, while the golden child does no wrong and fuels the flame against the others. Just like the mother above in your article, my mom does not see anything she does wrong, and we are always treating her wrong if we do not do things in her time table. I can write a book on the things she did to us as children or had us to do. She has two of her children believing that you don’t have to pay your bills, just file bankruptcy, if you need to leave above your means then let the government bail you out, and don’t worry about paying taxes they will never come after you. My other brother and I vowed to stop the cycle with ourselves and our children. Without her help we both went to college and have jobs that help us to provide well for our families. Our children know that we love them. Our children know we are there for them and they have grown up to be well respected citizens in our community. They each have furthered their education and hold steady jobs supporting themselves, while the golden child’s children rarely get along with her as she continues the cycle.

  8. By: Valentine Posted: 25th November 2016

    Your blog should be presented to high school students. Many women will reconsider motherhood, and there will be less unhappy children born. Your blog enables division among child and parent. For example when two people marry they take a vow to God, “to marry for better or worse”, and we can see how high the divorce rate is . Our Vow to God has been ‘ thrown under the bus!. Further God gave us the commandments to follow among which is ” Honor Thy Father and Mother’ and your comments on your website encourages that” Commandment thrown under the bus.” Everybody wants entitlement, God set who has the entitlement “HE DOES”, so follow His Law not Man’s . This blog is about Man’s rights and encourages adult children to justify breaking God’s Law. However, that only applies to one that believes in God.. I have never sent this Comment prior and doubt you will print it .

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th November 2016

      This blog is about the truth and if you want to discuss God, then lets look at what He actually says. I studied greek and hebrew word origins for 8 years and I did a study on the word “Honor” and honor is never a one way street. Honor has nothing to do with entitlement. If parents honoured their children, there wouldn’t be any need for this blog. This blog isn’t about man’s rights, it is about HUMAN rights. If you want to discuss “LOVE and Honour” according to God, then do you homework before you start shaming people here.

    • By: Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother Posted: 20th December 2016

      I am a woman of God. I am a child of God. I have a Narcissistic Mother who has allowed others and her herself several abused me in so many ways growing up. In her own words “I turned on her when I turned 3.” Coincidentally at age three is when her boyfriend who she had convinced me was my actual father (he wasn’t) molested me and she stayed with him until I was 5! I have only been able to get her to talk about this ONCE in my entire life, when I was 16 and we were completely alone, and she told me that she didn’t “know” but had a feelung, her reason for staying with him? Well, she didn’t have any hard proof just a feeling and my own very testimony to a family member I trusted as a young child. Oh and I’m sure it had much to do with her co-dependcy and him helping with bills etc. I was kicked out at 16 and have been on my own ever since. I only recently came to the realization that my mother is an ACTUAL narcissist and it is extremely difficult for us adult children to speak up, to cut ties, to even speak our own truth because anything we say is invalidated. We are always in the wrong.

      This sint about balance and blame! This is most certainly not about what’s fair to a parent who has single handedly destroyed self-confidence, values, morals, understanding of a healthy relationship in ANY form, relationships woth siblings which are often destroyed at the hands of a narcissistic parent, as it benefits them to be the only way of communication between the adult chilren, that way they control what each thinks of each other and manipulate what’s actually being done and said.

      The extent of the damage is never ending!

      As I read your letter, all I could think the entire time was, is this my mom??? This sounds like it could be her! That says a lot to me and I don’t mean to be rude I am just being honest.
      Because no child, and I know this first hand is going to just hurt and walk away from a parent who was NOTHING but loving, understanding, always there for them, always in their corner, I’m sorry that is just illogical. I know this because I as an abused child and now an adult child of an alcoholic and abusive father and a narcissistic mother am now 28 years old and up until recently STILL was doing everything in my power to gain my parents love and approval. Seeking their love to no end, apologizing for things that they themselves were to blame for just so I could continue in my quest to fix our broken and toxic relationships!

      But the fact o the matter is is that I as the child am not responsible for that. Not when I was 3, , 16 and not now !

  9. By: Tundra Woman Posted: 6th November 2016

    Whoa, baby. Speaking of walking Cluster B Personality Disorders, got a live one here. So let us begin: This entire comment by her is woe-is-me, Imma Victim, I just don’t know whhhyyyyyy! has several components most commonly exhibited by CBs-in addition to these observed themes.

    “….my best friend…decided to abandon me.” I immediately sit up and take notice as soon as the “my best friend” statement by a PARENT makes an appearance. Your job as a parent is TO BE a parent, NOT a “best friend.” No doubt, you are absolutely furious-like 7th grade girl furious-your “best friend” is now cultivating friendships that don’t include (gasp!) you. Perfectly normal behavior for an 18 yr. old. Your response is not only inappropriate, but jaw dropping. She “abandoned” you? Repeat after me a million or more times: One LEAVES/Differentiates from an adult: One ABANDONS A CHILD. The reality you feel “abandoned” screams “CB! CB! CB!!!” How is it HER job to babysit you? How is it HER job to manage your life? Your feelings? Your very pathological enmeshment? And you wanna play the mommy/adult card? There’s some real cognitive dissonance. And you still expect to be taken seriously as an adult?

    Every last Borderlion, every last CB of any particular Cluster B “flavor” I’ve encountered personally or otherwise in my 6 plus decades pulls out the word “abandon” sooner rather than later. It is a huge narcissistic injury when a Barbie doll develops a mind and a life of their own/Differentiates and Barbie’s gonna face a ton of retribution a la “How DARE you!” including Stalking, Stalking by Proxy, involving outside agencies, wailing and rending of clothing and generalized toddler tantrum meltdown under the guise of “care and conceeerrrrnnn.” Because “poor mommy” has been playing the Victim card successfully up to now to get her own way-and it’s worked to get the whole damn family under her thumb again. That’s a classic Tool of manipulation for CBs. Another Tool is the whole “I don’t know WHHHYYYY!” wail of outrage. Because what’s really going on here is exactly as George Simon, Ph.D states in “Character Disorder,” “It’s NOT that they don’t see, it’s just that they DON’T AGREE.” You are NOT subject to the mores, values, expectations of society. You’re special for being special. You don’t care what kind of public scene you have to pull (that makes you appear seriously cray cray to outsiders, BTW) to emotionally blackmail others into what YOU “want.”

    You know exactly why your daughter walked away. She’s told you and told you and told you. And now you’re gonna tell her how it’s gonna be under the guise of “looovvveee” and “not understanding.” You do know-you just don’t agree those “reasons” are good enough to “abandon” you, the baby, the child. After all, you had it SOOOOOO much worse. If indeed that is true, how is it you never learned to not abuse and use your own children? Plenty of us grew up with twisted parents, pathologically disturbed, drunks/drug addicted/garden variety crazy ass neglectful, abusive (oh yes you are) parents and we made sure the Legacy STOPPED with US.

    Your behavior is NOT “love.” It’s possession. It is exactly ass-backwards. It demands your offspring parent YOU instead of the other way around. This 18 yr. old is emotionally middle aged because you’ve spent her life dumping your adult problems and situations on her-and you’re still in diapers. Her job is to be your emotional caretaker. It’s barely subsumed rage under the guise of “not understanding” and Martyr “Looka MEEEEE” under a crap ton of meaningless emotionally laden, fire for effect words and making it allllll about you. And your feelings. And your experience. And your suffering. And your classic model mommy-hood and don’t forget to forget to pull out the “only mistake I made was looooovvvviiiinnngggg her too much!”

    This is just the tip of the iceberg of my observations. YES, You are VERY “Disturbed.” Extremely waaayyyy off the middle of the bell shaped curve of adult/parent. Your cheese has never met your cracker and the only way that’s ever gonna happen is for you to get thee in some very very direct therapy and stay there. Dig and dig and dig-deep into owning YOUR own behavior. Into learning appropriate behavior. Into learning about NORMAL human growth and development. This is not about your daughter but since you’ve made it alllll about you, use it, and learn how to ADULT towards everyone else who has to deal with you, particularly your own family. You have absolutely 0 to loose because you’re already batting that as a parent, an alleged “adult.” Your lack of willingness to even consider how your behavior impacts your estranged daughter currently as well as throughout her life is shocking as is your lack of empathy for her. There’s no rooom for anyone in your world but you, you, you. The self-absorption, the lack of accountability, the appalling lack of genuine care and concern for anyone except yourself is appalling. “Disturbed” is an understatement and in reality is de facto evidence of Cluster B Personality Disorder writ large in million candlewatt spot light.

    If your daughter was sitting in front of me, I would tell her to run like her tampon string is on fire and the next time you show up ANYWHERE around her, seek legal redress. Stalking is classic DISTURBED “I’mmma domestic terrorist” behavior. Remember, it sure is about you-but not the disturbed way you think it is-just as this isn’t about “forgiving” your “grammar.” If only. And while you feel slapped upside the head by a REAL ADULT, an old widow broad who sees right through your transparent plays, I call it being held ACCOUNTABLE. You have thus far effectively hijacked your daughter’s childhood, adolescence and are now making a blatant grab for her Early Adulthood. When you steal from your offspring for any reason, you have STOLEN THAT WHICH CAN NEVER BE REPLACED. Re-read that. Let it sink in-if possible. That is exactly what you have done under the guise of “best friend.” Of playing AT being a “mommy” instead of BEING ONE: There is where the forgiveness is gonna have to play out behaviorally by YOU.

    Welcome to the preview of Life in the Adult Lane. Now get thee into counseling specifically for the Cluster B Personality Disordered and stay there. And stay outta her life.
    You got plenty of manure to shovel out of your own.

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