‘What Goes Around Comes Around’ used as a Fear and Compliance Tactic

Abuse statement what goes around comes around
when abusers state “even God says you are wrong”

It amazes me what people think I will publish on this website. Emerging from Broken is about healing from abuse and neglect. It is about overcoming and healing from the damage after having been discounted, devalued and defined by the statements and actions of carless and for the most part unloving people. It is about having to submit to the thoughts and value system of our elders, parents, grandparents, grandparents, teachers or any others who placed their importance above ours.

I got this comment this week from Nancy on one of articles I wrote about my mother and our dysfunctional mother daughter relationship. I am highlighting it today because it is such a good example of toxic mother behaviour and attitudes. Children should “know their place” and “what goes around comes around”. This comment is so typical of what we were/are told and how we were/are treated.

Nancy is the very angry mother of a daughter who drew a boundary.  At first her comment communicates that the boundary her daughter is drawing is unfair. That she as a mother has done nothing but support her daughter and now she is being called selfish and accused of doing things with a wrong motive. She justifies her behaviour, all the while denying that she ever did anything wrong. But then her comments which I have highlighted in bold print reveal a different story. I read this comment several times and each time I saw with more clarity the depth of the manipulation and the disgusting (and false) belief system of the writer.

Nancy writes: (Note: I did not edit this comment)

To all of you young ladies who claim abuse, I am the 64 yr old mother of a 28 year old who claims she needs to stay away from me because i have so abused her. Now mind you, she’s not talking about hitting her or yelling at her, or telling her she is a worthless so and so that I don’t love her. No. She says I am selfish because I did all i could to help her pursue her interests and was right there in the front row clapping and encouraging her. Apparently according to her, I was doing all this in order to live through her and so I would look good in others peoples eyes that my daughter was such a success. What a bunch of BS!!!!! So let me get this straight, we parents are accused of being abusive no matter what we do!!! Is that right Get over yourslves. Your parents did the best they could and you just want to whine about your unhappiness and blame and it on the easiest target you can find. Your mother. What goes around comes around. Come back after your kids are grown and reject you for these rediculous “charges” because what goes around comes around. The Bible says “honor your mother and father that YOU will live long.” There’s nothing in there about honoring you children. In fact it says “spare the rod, spoil the child”. You are all spoiled and ungrateful and are cruel if you keep your children and parents estranged.


I put the most important part of her comments in BOLD print. This is where the ‘truth leaks” are about the belief system of this angry mother. Let’s take a closer look;

~”What goes around comes around” ~to warn the daughter that whatever ever she is doing to her mother now, will happen to her; that the daughters children are going to do this to her BECAUSE of what she is ‘doing’ to her mother.

~ “Come back after your kids are grown and reject you for these ridiculous “charges” because what goes around comes around”. ~ This is used as a threat to inspire FEAR. But fear of what? If I treated my children with the same disregard and disrespect that my mother treated me with, then I guess I could expect this same rejection from my kids. But it is not because I stood up to my mother that I need to have fear in my relationships with my kids.

The truth about this is that if a mother loves her daughter in the true definition of love in the first place, what went around would come back around. But what would ‘come back around’ would be LOVE, mutual respect and a desire to BE in a relationship. Children learn relationship from their parents. Why is it that people who say “what goes around, comes back around” never see it from that perspective? This is happening to HER, to Nancy and she is saying that it will come back around to the commenters who are having difficulties with their mothers when they have grown children. She says “come back and complain when this happens to you.” Her stance is that WE are going to be sorry, but at the same time she sees no fault on her part for anything she did that may have contributed to the boundary that HER daughter is drawing, as though this is NOT a two way street. This is so typical of an abusive, controlling person and once I saw this truth in a few places, many others became clear to me.  

“The Bible says “honor your mother and father that YOU will live long.” This is a directive taken out of the bible and it is used in a manipulative way.  Using the words in the bible this way is a way of saying “God is on my side here~ and no one can argue with GOD”. People say things like this in order to gain some ground; to prove they are right because “the bible even says so” but her saying that ISN’T proof and just saying it doesn’t make them right about the directive because they are taking it out of context and misusing it to manipulate people. I could answer with so much more from the bible that teaches to RUN from anyone who leads you away from Christ/God. Why would parents be exempt from those biblical teachings? What kind of God would turn a blind eye to parents, the very ones intrusted to teach children about Him? What kind of “God” would condone abuse, neglect, discounting and devaluing children? If parents were not modeling the love that God/Christ wanted to be modeled, then who would do it? How would children ever learn to love, respect, or treat others the way they would like to be treated if they were treated like objects without feelings? Someone has to be the role model here! If not the parents, then WHO?

The biggest ‘truth leak’ in Nancy’s little guilt trip about her own beliefs was this: “There’s nothing in there (in the Bible) about honoring you children. In fact it says “spare the rod, spoil the child”. She makes this statement to PROVE that the parents have all the rights and children have none. By stating the bible says nothing about honoring children, she says that the (biblical) teachings actually communicate that children don’t have ANY right to being honored! And then she backs that belief up with saying; IN FACT the bible advocates abuse.

Finally Nancy offers her personal judgement on all of us who have concluded that we have been damaged by our own mothers; that we are all spoiled and ‘ungrateful’ and that we are also cruel if we keep children and parents estranged. Typical guilt and shame stuff. She takes NO responsibility for the estrangement with her own daughter although she earlier states that what goes around comes around. She defends herself and her actions using any means she can think of including the Bible, but yet this comment leaks the truth all over the place about her one sided belief system, dysfunctional mother daughter relationship methods and her beliefs that children have no rights.

I don’t have to wonder long about what her childhood was like or where / how she learned the things that she posted.  If she goes against her own beliefs and listens to her own daughter, she may have to face her own past which is something that the majority of these toxic parents are unwilling to do.

Nancy could be anyone’s mother. She could be my mother who often said “just wait till YOU have kids Darlene, then you will see how hard it is. Then you won’t be so ungrateful. Then you will see what I have gone through.” My mother threw bible quotes at me too. My kids are now 21, 19 and 15 and although I understand my mother’s motives (using fear to control me and get me to comply to her wishes and accept her judgements and to shame me for daring to defy her) for what she said to me, I don’t have any of these dysfunctional relationship problems with my kids. I believe this is because I didn’t treat them the way I was treated in the first place. I did not place un-reasonable expectations upon them. I did not discount their needs and squish their emotions. I did not disrespect them, neglect them or define them as having lesser value than myself. I am their mother and it is my job to fill them with self-esteem and teach them self-love. I have not taught them that love is compliance and obedience to me or to other adults. I have taught them love by loving them. I do not expect them to respect what was disrespectful. I taught them respect by respecting them, their needs and their feelings. And what goes around comes around.

Please share your thoughts about this typical tirade from Nancy. Her words are so commonly used against (adult) children. They are so condemning and laced with guilt and shame. But they are not the truth. When words like that have been used and heard since childhood, they are accepted much more easily as truth, but the truth is very far from her grasp. It is so important for adult children to see this.

Exposing truth; One snapshot at a time.

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing


Related Posts ~Emotionally Abusive Statements designed to Control

~ Brainwashing in Dysfunctional Family Systems 

174 response to "‘What Goes Around Comes Around’ used as a Fear and Compliance Tactic"

  1. By: Cynthia Posted: 8th January 2017

    Thank You for the shining example of covert narcissism.

  2. By: BED Posted: 16th March 2016

    OMG! I just found this website for a moment I almost thought someone had been secretly righting about my experiences with my mother. I have just turned 40 and for the last 3 years have had little contact with my mother. After realizing that she had lied and manipulated me for years telling me lies about other family members to keep me isolated. She is always the victim & for years I defended her as such even though it was clear to everyone including myself (if I allowed myself to be truthful) that she didn’t like me at all and I was just there to serve her. She has also always used the ” single mother” excuse. My dad left when I was 12 and had no contact sometimes I wonder if that is true because she is the type that would lie about that kind of thing. She was always telling me that no one would ever love me because it kept me dependent on her. The hardest part for me to understand is she had the MOST WONDERFUL parents and childhood in the world!! One I could only dream of so it makes no sense. The worst of it is that she now takes care of my grandmother who has Alzheimer’s, my grandmother who was literally a mixture of June Cleaver, Glenda the Good Witch and Rose from the Golden Girls and her abuse and manipulation continues. She has isolated everyone from grandma because no one can bare to be around my mom and on top of it has drained my grandmothers bank accounts. Now it is a constant battle of doing the right thing and legally fighting for my grandmother which will mean a huge , ugly , devastating battle . Which everyone is in favor of but no one wants to help with or making sure my grandmother has the bare minimum and only seeing her on holidays when others are present (I refuse to be alone with my mother b/c of her abuse and the lies she tells others). I finally feel like I am achieving some healing when she manages to convince some distant family member or friend that I am horrible and abandoned her and my grandmother which has resulted in passive aggressive and ugly Facebook posts from those she has duped. I didn’t even have children because I was always afraid I would become my mother. She also always used the bible or her being a Christian to defend her actions. I have been blessed to have my own relationship with Christ and to know that what she is serving up is not sanctioned by him. Anyone who has been through this upbringing knows that the negative affirmations and lies that run through your head on a daily basis is a constant battle. I would suggest Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer who is also a recovered victim of abuse. Although it took me literally wearing the CDs out and revisiting from time to time it is a great way to reprogram your thoughts to mirror what Christ believes and thinks of you. She often states that those thoughts are the Devil lying to you and I do believe that. The pain and insecurity my mother caused me with her insults and lies did leave the door open for the devil to repeat those things to me or me to allow others to devalue me. . I know this may sound like some crazy church lady ramblings but call it what you will (bad energy/vibes, negativity, etc.).

    What has also helped is I don’t hide anything about her or my experiences. When people ask I tell my truth. No covering up for her or being embarrassed or my experience growing up. What goes around in my experience does come around and she will spend the end of her life alone and living with her choices I hope that she finds a way to heal herself. I work and choose everyday not to be bitter or hateful towards her (some days are more successful then others). I also know that the Christ promises that for my former shame I will receive a double blessing and that is what I choose to focus on. That he has amazing things planned for my life. My mother has always told me no man would ever love me but I have the love of Christ and through that knowledge I learn to love myself more everyday and that is a huge victory that she can not tarnish (although she would say “if I hadn’t been so horrible to you , you would never have been successful). Make your own family, honor yourself and your higher power. Speak and treat yourself with the love you wished and should have been treated with and given when you were a child. I am working on forgiveness and I believe that is honoring my mother but forgiveness DOES NOT in any way mean I have to have her in my life.

  3. By: Ruth Posted: 5th July 2014

    Hi Darlene,

    I am about to dis-connect contact with my Mum as I feel it is time in my healing journey. However, there is so much guilt about doing it as I often remember her interstate visits and the good times not the bad. The Good Mum not the others that come out only rarely. I have justified her behaviour for so long and accepted her selfish ways as just being her, but for me to move forward with my therapy i need to brake all contact.
    Thank you Darlene for you blog, it has helped me in so many ways understand my inner workings.\

  4. By: Betty Posted: 10th April 2014

    Note to Nasty Nancy: Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
    So, the Bible does indeed have something to say about parents being abusive to their children. Although I never claimed this verse with my verbal abusive mother. From my age 12 – 66, the year of her death my mother gnawed at my self-esteem with constant criticism for both me an my children, particularly my middle child. However, I never zeroed in on this verse about children, always the “Honor your Father and Mother” because when I would talk to my Grannie about my mother she would say, “I don’t agree with what she does either, but you know what the Bible says!” With my feelings of never doing the right thing I especially wanted to honor God by honoring my father and mother.
    Also, if I ever said anything to my mother she would have never spoken to me again, which meant I would not see my father and that my children would have no grandparents, since their dads’ parents were deceased.
    Looking back at my life, I now know that I was certainly an imperfect parent. I truly love my children and I think they know that. However, most of their childhood I was more concerned about what other people thought about how they behaved and the reflection on me. As the saying goes, “I wish I had known then what I know now.” I have to tell myself than the past is past and I can only go forward.
    Thanks for your articles. I had no idea there were so many people with this type of mother! I believe my mother DID love me, but she didn’t trust me to do the ‘right’ thing in my life, so she felt the need to control me. My brother and I had different mothers in the same person, so my story is not so much like most people on this site, but enough so that I can relate and the stories and comments enlighten my own path.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th April 2014

      Hi Betty
      Welcome to EFB ~ I can relate to what you said about your brother having different mothers in the same person, that is actually also very common. 🙂
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  5. By: marquis (female) Posted: 12th February 2014

    It’s true that the Bible doesn’t talk about parents should honor their children, may be it is self-evident to honor them without it explaining that part? That could be possible. I do agree how people twist Scripture to suit their needs. My mom got the nerve to say ‘you can’t have hatred to get into God’s kingdom,’ I let her have it on that telling her ‘you don’t even believe, one minute you do and the next you don’t. You have a bunch of hatred and bitterness towards everybody and everything, it’s you who won’t get into the kingdom. So, don’t tell me something from Scripture that you can’t explain nor believe it yourself!’

    She screamed like there was no tomorrow! She claims she only “went to church to get out of the house,” that’s a lie. Mom is from the South, everybody went to church whether you were a believer or not and my grandma said can’t believe she lies or lying, why is her side of the family always shocked when it comes to mom lying? People do lie!

    Spare the rod, spoil the child. My boyfriend explained to me that the verse is talking about disciplining them correctly, show guidance to the children not beating the shit out of them all the time that isn’t gonna help them learn at all! I do agree how people quote that and spoil the hell out of the kids with zero discipline! Yea, I heard people say children have no rights because of the bible. So, why do people out there say ‘oh please, think of the children, spare the children they are just kids!’ If you are gonna say think of the children, stop condemning them every time they speak about the abuse/mistreatment they receive from their families or strangers!

    “The truth about this is that if a mother loves her daughter in the true definition of love in the first place, what went around would come back around. But what would ‘come back around’ would be LOVE, mutual respect and a desire to BE in a relationship. Children learn relationship from their parents. Why is it that people who say “what goes around, comes back around” never see it from that perspective?”

    Agreed! I told that to therapist and people we learn relationships and conflicts from parents whether it is good or bad, when it’s bad that’s when interventions need to come in! As always, the victims are the obligation to make changes and be responsible is what my therapist would say. This blog, my therapist would disagree or may be partially agree but doesn’t fit her “beliefs!”

    “Her words are so commonly used against (adult) children. They are so condemning and laced with guilt and shame. But they are not the truth. When words like that have been used and heard since childhood, they are accepted much more easily as truth, but the truth is very far from her grasp. It is so important for adult children to see this.”

    Agreed. My mom uses the whole what goes around comes around, I said yep, you gotta stand before God like everybody else and she blew up! She always says ‘wait until you have kids, look at the hell you’re gonna go through and the shit I had to go through with my selfish ***hole kids!’ I told her ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how miserable you are/you’re life is and since children are so bad and they take you to hell 24/7, then you should’ve did yourself a favor and put us up for adoption!’ OMG, did she go off like there was no tomorrow telling me ‘you make it look like I never loved or took care of my kids,’ I said ‘Nobody needs to make it look like – that’s what it is. You never did a thing as a real mom should have done always expecting everybody else to take care of us instead of you being the adult to take care of us and you should have had a job as you have nothing to your name at all!’ That took care of that lol.

    “It is about overcoming and healing from the damage after having been discounted, devalued and defined by the statements and actions of carless and for the most part unloving people. It is about having to submit to the thoughts and value system of our elders, parents, grandparents, grandparents, teachers or any others who placed their importance above ours.”

    Agreed. It’s about their beliefs from their old days to our values in our (my generation) because they are always correct! Children’s feelings/values still aren’t placed in high importance today (children are seen but not heard, ring a bell?) and people seem to think that’s okay. The thinking is very dangerous and it scares me then we wonder why these kids growing up to be adults having such severe emotional issues!

    “Children should “know their place” and “what goes around comes around”. This comment is so typical of what we were/are told and how we were/are treated.”

    Lol I had to laugh at this because I hear this a lot and that’s the attitude my parents have! God made everybody equal including parents and children are equal to one another! Know their place, I used to ask ‘what place are you talking about?’ Never get an answer.

  6. By: beth Posted: 17th January 2014

    There is a bible verse that says parents are not to exasperate there children. There also is another that says that to hurt a child is a sin and such a one is better off with a rope tied to a stone around their neck. Sorry I don’t have my bible with me to look these up as to where they are but I assure you they are in there.

  7. By: Cynthia Barga Posted: 30th December 2013

    You can’t lump all estrangements into the category of being caused by abuse. I am the mother of an estranged son that was not caused by abuse on my part. I don’t say that lightly or out of any sense of self righteousness. Trust me when I say that when estrangement happens to a mother that loves her child more than she loves her own life, it is the most painful and agonizing experience there is except possibly that of losing a child to death. Part of the process of coming to terms with such an estrangement is the most brutal and honest dissection of all your parenting shortcomings and mistakes as the possible cause because you want so much to find the reason for the estrangement and fix it. Sometimes, however, estrangement has nothing at all to do with the parents and that is a most painful conclusion at which to arrive because it puts it outside your own realm of control and ability to fix. As children of abuse, we may find that especially hard to fathom but it does happen more often than we expect. Let me say this: as a mother of an estranged child I came to the liberating conclusion that being the mother of this remarkable and much loved child did not guarantee me the right to be in his life. He never belonged to me. I was only given the responsibility of raising him for which I will always be grateful. There is nothing that ever gave me more joy than being a mother. If the decision to estrange yourself from your parents only belongs to those who have been abused, then it is not an inherent freedom at all. While I don’t agree with my son’s decision and I don’t think it was kind or fair – it was his decision to make and I respect his right to make it. I will always be his mother and he will always be my son – by virtue of familial relationship – not ownership. And THAT has been one of the most healing truths I’ve ever understood as a victim of parental abuse thanks to my son. None of us are possessions of our parents. We were all gifts. As I came to understand this about my son, I came to understand and embrace the same truth about myself. I have also learned the truth about a mother’s love. That truth is that the love felt for your child has nothing to do with what your child does or does not do. I love my child the same as I ever have. It is so contrary to what I have received or known as a child of an abusive mother, that I can’t help but celebrate my love even if at times it causes pain. He never had to do a single thing for me to love him – it is natural and it is glorious and it’s how it’s supposed to be and it tells me I was never the cause of the abuse and lack of love I was shown by my mother. The very love I feel for my son IS the gift he is – even in estrangement. I am blessed to have ever known that gift and I am grateful for the healing of that gift.

  8. By: Kylie Kleeven Posted: 18th November 2013

    Reading Nancy’s post, eerily reminded me of my adoptive mother.
    Thanks for highlighting this post Darlene.


  9. By: Quintana Hoyne Posted: 11th August 2013

    You have made me confident in raising my own children. You have given me the courage and the ground to not look at myself for problems but simply be. Be better, be better by separating my self-identity from my influences.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th August 2013

      Hi Quintana
      Thank you for your note! I had to look at the truth about why I had the issues that I had and where they came from in the first place. The damage was healed when I began to validate it. 🙂
      hugs, Darlene

  10. By: sahitha Posted: 30th July 2013

    I do not know where “they” get these ideas from? My own mother was not a Christian and had no access to the Bible but she often threatened me or challenged me that when I had kids of my own, then I would understand the difficulty in raising them, when my kids blamed me then I would understand what she was going through.

    She said she had not done anything wrong and insisted that I would find this out when I had kids of my own. I always felt that she competed with me and acted like a b****. Excuse my language but that describes her accurately.

    She constantly compared me to her in every area including education, career, marriage. Just because she did not like her life she wanted the same for me. I don’t think she was ever happy for me unless it served her. When I made some good advances in my career, she was not happy for me. She did not encourage me nor pat me on the back as I had hoped. I was taken aback by that reaction because by then I had become an adult and knew what a normal reaction from a mother to her daughter’s success would be like. That was the beginning of my exploration of my relationship with her.

    All she was concerned about was that I was still single and people were asking them questions about it. Of course, she was not concerned that I was single and alone in a different country but she was more concerned that she had to answer all those people. Again, she was only considering herself and her needs in the equation. Superficial things like pride were more important to her than her daughter’s happiness.
    She did not miss any opportunity to make me responsible for her misery so to speak. I did not understand what was so upsetting about me walking away from an abusive marriage and finding my own life. I would have been proud of such a daughter but would not wish that abuse in the first place.

    Apparently she “lost her face” in the community because I walked away from the marriage and brought about the stigma of a “divorced daughter” on her. She never supported me during the abusive marriage and so when I finally decided to leave, I chose to keep them out of loop as they only drained my energy and I had to invest my energy into my career. She does not care that I had been dealing with all the mess on my own. All she cares about is her reputation.

    I wonder if there truly is a reputation or she just made up this thing about her in her head. I have no idea what kind of “reputation” she is on about. If that is something derived from my success then how can it be hers?. I do not know where all these abusers get this concept of feeling important in society not because of their achievements but because of their children’s? They do not respect us nor want us but they want the laurels and accolades of raising a child that had achieved some success in the world.

    Well, do they then treat the child (adult by then) properly? No. They still want her/him to be a slave to them and raise their own self-image. This is such a twisted and distorted view of a parent feeling proud of their child’s achievement.

  11. By: Mitzi Posted: 21st July 2013

    Wow! It just never ceases to amaze me how the abusive mothers make excuses and place the blame back on the children! I have posted on here before regarding the abuse I suffered from my mother from the time I was three years until now-if I had continued to allow her to.

    I couldn’t read all the responses to this so if someone has already made this comment, sorry, but I think it is important enough to post again anyway!
    The biggest ‘truth leak’ in Nancy’s little guilt trip about her own beliefs was this: “There’s nothing in there (in the Bible) about honoring you children. In fact it says “spare the rod, spoil the child”. She makes this statement to PROVE that the parents have all the rights and children have none. By stating the bible says nothing about honoring children, she says that the (biblical) teachings actually communicate that children don’t have ANY right to being honored! And then she backs that belief up with saying; IN FACT the bible advocates abuse. – See more at: https://emergingfrombroken.com/what-goes-around-comes-around-used-as-a-fear-and-compliance-tactic/#sthash.oWISIlrh.dpuf

    My mother constantly told me how I if I did not honor her my days on earth would be shortened. I heard the scripture a million times at least through out my life.
    Although I was aware of the scripture that follows it, I did not want to “Bible Fight” with her. However I shouted at her Read the scripture DIRECTLY below it!”. So many abusive parents USE the Bible towards their children and USE this scripture OVER AND OVER again. The thing that parents, who think they KNOW the Bible tend to deliberately leave out the scripture DIRECTLY below it: Colossians 3: 20 AND 21:

    20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing to the Lord.

    21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged

    Still loving this site and the one on Facebook!


  12. By: lia Posted: 17th April 2013

    I’m with you on this Anna….

    ‘And my son learned to disrespect me by watching my own husband disrespect me all the years we were together. I was never physically abused (I would never have stood for that) but I didn’t even recognize the mental and emotional abuse that was going on and how I was completely ignored and “zeroed out” for all of my adult life living with him. So my son never did see a 50/50 supportive relationship growing up.’

    Of course children DO learn what they live..It is a fact..not a criticism..and Anna I think that you explained that very respectfully and effectively…Of course children would learn that devaluing and undermining and mental and emotional abuse was the norm…With emotional abuse the bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to heal. To live with it is soul destroying. To live for years and years with your father mentally and emotionally abusing your mother…I personally know is extremely damaging…

    To read and hear a mother here say that her son is ‘a bad seed’ and words like she should have had an abortion or given him up for adoption. That he is a basically a bad loser and that a she is glad that he never had children…that he is wrong for feeling how or what he feels… (also about how ridiculous it is that he still feels bad that his ‘best’ friend was banned from his home)…How a child has to be ‘dragged’ to counselling again and again…and how it changed nothing…and to hear how anyones adult child is not being supported somehow with the resulting problems he has..and to hear how he has no mother until he comes back and says that HE will change…

    Sure is triggering Darlene..and I think how you responded was really great and spot on also…many thanks.

  13. By: Buffy Posted: 8th April 2013

    I need a new mum. 🙁
    I’m 26 and divorced and now feel I have to divorce my parents and NM!!
    She’s never once told me she loves me or is proud of me.
    Only words like ashamed, and disappointed. I feel useless, anxious, and on the edge.

    Is it possible to adopt a mum? I live in New Zealand but would love an Email from someone willing to give any advice:)

    Thanx for reading 🙂

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th April 2013

      Hi Buffy
      Welcome to EFB
      I write a lot about how I had to become “my own mom” in this recovery process. I had to learn to fill the void that my own parents left in me and it is doable! There is hope for healing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  14. By: Janie Posted: 24th March 2013

    I so hear you! Isn’t it amazing that most folks refuse to believe that mothers can be mean, selfish, manipulative and cruel?
    My mean sisters have for so long tried to fight me every step of the way, when my mother has asked for help with her health issues (what would I know? I’m just a nurse for 20 years, lol) Then I realized: my mother was using medical issues to pit one person against the other. So, the common sense solution would be, let my sisters take over to their hearts content!! They call my elderly aunt, a long retired nurse, who is showing signs of senilty, to question everyhting I say. So, I guess her input would be valuable here as well! Not worrying about it. My mother is and was mean spirited, spiteful, attention seeking, and heaps all of her hate and resentment of her own mother and sister upon my head. NOT IT!!!! I am low contact with her, and give very little information abt my persona life. Only, how well I am doing, and how wonderful my relationship is, just the good things, to irritate her, dontcha know, lol!
    My sisters can repay all of the free babysitting and free college educations by looking after my mother in her final years. I know this will make me look like the “bad daughter”,to the extended family, some of them, anyway, once again, and I really dont care!!! I’m too busy living my own life, pursuing my career dreams and future, to worry about it.
    Bravo to you for taking up scuba! Doesnt it feel great to follow your own interests, not those prescribed to you? I am learning to snowboard, I sudy middle eastern dance, and have also renewed my passion for knitting. I take my mother in law out to the knitting group, and out to lunch. Her, I look after, as she has not been the source of misery in my life……

  15. By: Kalispell Posted: 23rd March 2013

    Ah yes, what goes around, comes around, and you are going to be sorry you aren’t toeing the line and supporting my fantasy world (like everyone else) about how I’m good, and kind, and loving and supportive, and profoundly wise and successful.

    My mother doesn’t use Bible quotes to remind me I’m going to be sorry someday. She uses money. She has a lot (I guess, maybe one an a half million). I’m modest but comfortable and secure. And it is very clear I’ve been disowned.

    I’m supposed to be sorry about it. And it would have been nice. But I don’t need it, and $700K or whatever i would have ended up with is too much to pay for spending the next 20 years dealing with her passive aggressive meanness. I’m quite satisfied with the bargain I’ve made: no inheritance, but also no anguish inflicted from her.

    And I can’t help but to imagine forward her life: in a couple years my stepfather will die. This will be hard on her. For all she thinks she’s so smart and competent (and she is in some ways), she’s very dependent. I know she’s worried about him dying.

    At first she’ll turn to her friends. She has a cozy little group of about 9 or 10 friends she’s close to. But my mother was is younger than most of them. Eventually they will drop away. I remember my grandmother saying about her friends how they disappeared: one day there would be an ‘incident’, then the children would sweep in, put mom in a home convenient to them, close up the house, whirlwind through whatever had to be done on the few days they could take off of work, and the friend would just be…gone.

    Ten years from now, my mother will be 80. She’s smart enough to see that she will be dependant eventually on family. Yes, money will buy her a nice assisted living situation, but… money can’t do what family can–just look at Brooke Astor. Billions and died in her own filth neglected by her family.

    So who’s in my mother’s family? It’s very small. Me and my brother. I’m gone–if she does not get a clue, make some concessions and amends and (horrors!) apologize, I will let her die in the mud. I won’t even know. I won’t even care to know.

    There’s my brother. She thinks they are close, but the reality is they have a pleasant superficial relationship, and his wife is cordial and friendly, but my sisterinlaw doesn’t really like her. (and my mother doesn’t really like my SIL, but they get along). My brother takes my mother out for mother’s day and her bday alone. SIL, who’s own mother is dead, isn’t interested. No problems, but no affection either–and SIL was not too patient with her problematic mother when her mother was dying. She’s not going to be nurturing.

    What will my brother do? He’ll do the ‘right’ thing that is expected and looks good. He’ll help her move into a nursing home, talk to doctors, visit on holidays and maybe once a month or every six weeks. Call every couple weeks, handle major crises. And do it pleasantly. But he won’t be a social outlet, he will never take her on vacation or to the movies or worry if she’s happy. She won’t be a part of their life altho he’ll tell her a bit about his vacation, etc… He’ll be dutiful.

    My mother has two sisters and one sister in law. The sister in law annoys my mother and is about 10 years older. She isn’t handling life well and is semi estranged from her children and needs a lot of help to stay at home. My stepfather helps her; my mother has said: SIL need not think I’m going to do anything for her when hubby is gone. My mother has contempt that SIL is not managing her life well and is dependent. I remember thinking when mom said that: someday that very well could be you.

    One sister is married and is going to move to an out of state retirement community in a year or two. This sister is nice enough but ditzy. She won’t be available to brighten mom’s final years.

    The other sister is a piece of work. My aunt fucked my husband and split up our marriage–then walked away from the whole mess. We were close as sisters, but my aunt just walked away from the relationship and we never spoke again. This was about 20 years ago. My mother sided with her sister. This is a grave mistake on my mother’s part (but part of my mother’s need to devalue me; I’m not supposed to mind that my aunt screwed my husband then screwed me). My mother and my aunt email regularly and see each other once every five years or so. My aunt has NEVER lifted a finger to help anyone ever in her life. She does not put herself out for anyone or anything. She’s semi reclusive and a bit strange. She will NOT be there for my mother in her old age.

    Then there are my three children, mom’s only grandchildren. My youngest son, in college to be a chemical engineer will have nothing to do with her. He does not like how she treats me, and does not like how she treats his oldest brother (her favorite grandson), and does not like how she treats him. He considers her a hypocrit. He too pretty much told her that either she apologize or he was gone and she chose the dump-grandson option. Last year she ‘loved’ him with all her heart, this year he’s invisible and worthless to her.

    My middle son, a hardworking moral law student, calls her now an again. He’s been very distressed by the break up of her and me and a few weeks ago went up to visit her (we live 1200 miles away) and discuss the issue. He couldn’t believe she was as bad as I said she was and her written letters to me over the last year portrayed her and he wanted to talk to her about it. He came back stunned and sickened. He was particularly shocked by how she just threw away my youngest son when he asked for a apology. He could not believe how coldly she devalued and dismissed and cut off her grandson. And if she can do that to one grandson, she can do that to him… She took no responsibility for anything, did not want to try joint t therapy, and accused me of things he knew were not true. He was sickened by it and shocked. He had drunk the koolaid, he had thought she was a loving grandmother and kind mother. And now he thinks she’s cold and selfish and deeply disturbed for all she has this great facade that fools most people. He told me if he has any relationship with her, it will only be superficial. And I know what’s going to happen…he’s going to drift away. He will attend my stepfather’s funeral, and that’s likely to be the last time my mother ever sees him.

    My son’s fiancee is appalled at her too. She’s in a ph.d program for psychology, and has no good opinion about rejecting mothers and lots of theories about what is wrong with my mother. She likes me. They will have children and a happy, successful, productive life–and my mother won’t be part of it. Oh, she might get a picture of their children, but that will be that.

    My oldest son has a drinking problem, a rx pill problem, and is heavily addicted to very potent pot. Addiction runs strongly in both sides of my son’s heritage. Nobody in my family or his father’s family who were caught in addiction ever got better. Some do, but my family and my ex’s family don’t. My son barely graduated from HS and his career is mooching and hanging out in the gym. He works part time in a gym. He is very dishonest, has episodes of sudden violence (he knocked me to the ground, choked my middle son and spit on his youngest brother, and that’s just the beginning). He gets aggitated and is very anxious. He can also be charming. he was his grandmother’s favorite. She does not believe he has any substance abuse problems; she said it is just a personality conflict with me (my fault, always my fault). She’s a sitting duck. She’ll see him briefly for a couple times a year, and it’s highly possible he will exploit her. this will be one of those crises my brother will have to handle. But in the long run, my oldest will not be of any use to her.

    But I would have. I would have taken good care of her, far better than what she ever did for me. If she were pleasant to me–she wouldn’t even have to love me or be close to me–just curb her passive aggressive dislike (which apparently is impossible), I’d include her in my life and my kids’ lives. She’d see her grandchildren and great grandchildren (when they come), be spend a couple days a week with me, get taken shopping and to the movies and brought on family vacations. I’d research her medical and living options and advocate and watch out for her in nursing homes, etc… I’d care if she were happy and comfortable and included. My brother won’t do that. He’ll do decent bare minimum–and no more.

    She better hopes she doesn’t get the family curse of dementia. or end up blind or cripple with arthritis of have long bouts with cancer or fall prey to so many of the illnesses that make life painful, difficult and isolating for the elderly. 1/3 of all seniors die with dementia. 2/3 of all seniors have long term crippling disabilities. The odds are not in her favor.

    I will never need her again. The day is going to come when she’s going to need me. A

    When these crappy parents look at their kids and say, “Someday you’ll be sorry” and “what goes around comes around”, all I can do is think, “Do you really believe that your selfish unloving choices are not going to rebound on you? Do you really not see where this is going to end up for YOU.”

    You hear about a lot of mothers in their sixties and early seventies who cut off their kids. They are always indignant and full of victim stories and martyrdom and justifications about how they did everything and don’t understand and how their love was unwavering but there is something wrong with their spoiled ungrateful child. It has NOTHING to do with them. There are websites devoted to these women. I look at them and roll my eyes.

    They talk of karma. But don’t see that their pain and anguish and ‘not understanding’ is their own bad karma coming back to them. They have bad relationships with their children because they created bad relationships with their children.

    And I always wonder what happens to these self righteous bitter unloving delusional old ladies when they are in their 80’s and 90’s, and fragile and failing and can’t drive and are dependent and needy and isolated and lonely. Do they ever reach out after ten, 15 years of silence and apologize and take responsibility for their part of the problem. Or do they go down to the death clinging to their stubborn belief that they were wonderful and did nothing wrong and it’s their children?

    Those websites that cater to cut off mothers have very few old ladies in their 80’s on them. You never see threads titled, How do i fix it, My daughter hasn’t spoken to me in 12 years, I know I was wrong.

    Do they ever think, “I should have just apologized 2 decades ago.” “I was not a good mother, I let you down, it must have been hard on you having me for a mother,
    I am sorry. Please forgive me.”

    Less than 30 words, and it would make all the difference. Everyone would win,. but they can’t do it. I can do it, and do with all three of my kids. But my mother cannot. She’s going to impoverish herself tremendously in the quality of her life because she cannot say them and cannot see me as a valuable person. Ironically I’m probably the most valuable person in her life.

    Oh well, elder care is a nightmare and I’m going to be free of it. Yay me.

  16. By: *broken* Posted: 5th March 2013

    And I see my counselor again tomorrow. Who if my mom gets a partner in crime, I hope that her word and my other dr is enough to keep me out of there.

  17. By: *broken* Posted: 5th March 2013

    I have talked to my father and the kids are not returning to daycare til I get a note there that if she shows up and tries to take the kids since I am concerned about her drinking and drug use then they are to call the police. I see my counselor again tomorrow. Once again I dont know how much more of this I can take. I have blocked her on my facebook and changed my number but dont want her to not be able to contact me through my boyfriend becuase then she can drag me to court for grandparent rights and she has a really good way of looking good and getting what she wants. Very good manipulater to those who dont know her. I do not doubt she will drag me through court to make me suffer. Every time she doesn’t get what she wants she calls CPS on me. I am use to that. I know they are serious and am scared. I am worried that I will break. I can’t take much more of this while I am trying to get healthy which is all I told her last night.

  18. By: *broken* Posted: 5th March 2013

    I agree that claiming ignorance for not building self esteem is not right. Last night I took another stand to my mother in a polite way. She threatened to take me to court and take my kids, which means once again she will be calling Child Protective services as harassment to me. She immediatley called my boyfriend and tried to convince him that I was cheating on him. He took it with a grain of salt. Last night she used her famous line “I brouht you into this life, I can take you out and if I cant you will regret this and I will ruin you” which I have heard so many times before. Never before have I been so scared of my mother. She is threatening to go to daycare to take my kids out of state. I wont even take my kids to daycare right now. Thank you for the book recommendation.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th March 2013

      Hi *Broken*
      Those are serious threats. Can you speak to your therapist about a making a plan in case your mother acts on any of these threats? They should be reported somewhere for your protection.
      Hugs, Darlene

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th March 2013

      Hi Everyone ~
      I just published a new post about how I was convinced that I was the problem and the ways that belief came out. My mother had a way of reminding me about how she saw me too, which of course got in the way of the truth. Lots of examples of how my mom made sure that MY focus was on MY faults in order to deflect and even justify hers hers. Here is the link;
      “Toxic mother daughter relationship ~ when mom says the problem is YOU”
      Looking forward to the discussion there;
      hugs, Darlene

  19. By: *broken* Posted: 4th March 2013

    I have not checked your blog in days and was glad today to see you response. I have changed my number yet my mother found a way today to contact me. I was just talking to my counselor today and told her about your site. Her eyes lit up. She asked so many questions. I find myself returning to read your many stories when I start beating myself up. And others comments are nice to read as well. I was starting to feel really guilty about the kids until she contacted me demanding an apology. I got on here to see your reply and after being worked up all day your words were really calming. My counselor was wondering if you had a book or know of some good ones. My boyfriend told me i was only making things worse by going through all the messages from me and my mothers current falling out. I told him that it was just me reassuring myself that I was not wrong in my choice. I can see that being self destructive and erased all the messages as to not be tempted again. I have left so many abusive relationships with men, I was taught young that was love. The last two men my mother was married to were abusive to her and us. And since then I have never seen her with anyone healthy. I learned the hatred and psychical abuse was how you loved someone. I dealt out the violence to them as much as they gave it to me. I was not innocent to this abuse at all. I think at one time I fed off of it because of my hate inside for myself and others. When I had my son and the abuse continued I allowed it behind closed doors. When my son was about 18 months he father threw me over the couch and over my son into a wall and held me up by my throat. Seeing the fear in my son’s eyes made me walk away and never look back or tolerate such a thing. My mother has never touched me but has damaged me deeply and on several occasions but my kids in danger (which is why after I left my ex I moved out of her house) she almost hurt my son twice and could have killed him when she got drunk, overdosed on sleeping pills and crawled into his crib with him to sleep. I had thought she was better but she just hides it well. I was crying yesterday because my daughter kept saying she wanted to go to grandma’s house, then I became concerned as to what happened last time because my son (who loves his grandma to death) said “mom I don’t want to go to grandmas, I just want to stay here with you all the time”. I am rambling but it feels good to get this out someone where others understand. My boyfriend can only be so supportive when I hide it from him and refuse to let him in at all to see my pain. I am finally coming to terms with Bi-polar and getting help for months. I understand myself more than I ever had. I am in school to become a counselor and really want to keep the children off medications that make them feel they are different or that there is something wrong with them from a young age. No child should ever have to label themselves so young.

    You sound like an amazing mom. Kudos for standing up to your mom. I too am a huge supporter in self esteem in children and allowing them to love themselves for who they are. It is so important in life to understand that everyone is different and different is ok. I am a very pretty girl according to others but every time I have looked in the mirror since I was about 10 or 11 I wanted to smash the mirror. I have colored me hair constantly and have gotten many piercings in my face to be the girl that I think is pretty. And your comment about them owing us nothing because we chose to bring them to this world is beyond the truth.

    Hang in there. I did not realize that this was a form of abuse til my counselor explained it to me. We will struggle and we may fall but there is always a reason to get back up. My mother also is the “victim” in many of these fall outs we have. There has to be a time when we put our foot down and decide that we have had enough. My motivation is to do it for my children because Darlene is right. Surrounding your children to toxic people may damage them in the end.

    I am very blessed that my siblings have come to see my mother for who she is except one (who will probably get the whip lash now that we are all gone). I want to protect her but she prefers to ignore it. I think its because she grew up watching her father pound my brother like he was nothing. They say in a home of abuse there’s the unspoken rule “do not speak, do not ask because no one will listen”.

    Thank you again for the comments and blogs. Like I said they really have been my only relief through all of this. My counselor says I need a plan for when I start to feel like I am going to “give in to my guilt” and I come here when I start to feel the need to reach out.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th March 2013

      Hi Broken
      The work of Alice Miller has been found to be helpful by many! I found her only a couple of years ago but her work is very validating. As for my book, I have one coming out this spring.
      I am glad that my response comforted you.
      Hugs, Darlene

  20. By: OnMyWay Posted: 4th March 2013

    Thanks for posting this.

    I have heard various comments from my mother over the years when I have attempted to talk with her about my childhood. One remark she made was, “We never heard the word self-esteem when you kids were growing up so we didn’t know to care about it.” Another, “We thought that if we held a baby / child we would spoil them.” Another “Some people just can’t get over the past, can they.” Another, “What is wrong with you that you would think that way?” My mother believes that there is a hierarchy and children are under the mother. No exceptions. Children are not allowed to confront their mother. The mother does not have to answer to what they say / do because they are above you. Might equals right. When I first started setting limits and boundaries with my mother it did not go over well. Like when I said, “I do not want to hear remarks / comments that are negative, critical and judgmental about me.” My mothers response was, “I am not going to monitor what I say for you!” The more I pulled away, the more cruel she became. If I told her something she did / said bothered me, she would do it more. Limiting contact / no contact meant poor, victimized mother. She would say, “Are you trying to punish me?”

    Thanks for all the validation.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th March 2013

      Hi OnMyWay
      Oh I hear that “are you trying to punish me?” thing too! (lots of those things!)
      Something that I realized is that the thing about parents knowing or not knowing about ‘self-esteem’ as though ‘that knowledge’ would have helped them, isn’t the point. That is like saying if I knew kicking you would HURT, I wouldn’t have done it. There are so many lame excuses for treating people in ways that they would never want to be treated themselves.
      Hugs, Darlene

  21. By: Anna Posted: 3rd March 2013

    Hi Barbara,
    I love how you put this woman in her place. Good for you! Your mother reminds me of a comment my grandmother used on my mother and her sister.

    Since I can remember, she would say in the most pious and dramatic way “the worst thing that could ever happen is if my daughters never wanted to see me again”. My grandmother used sympathy to exert control. Her daughters have spent most of their lives living within a couple of blocks of her. When my own mother and father moved 20 minutes away, she ‘punished’ them by refusing to visit or help. Best years of my young life were when we moved away. Unfortunately, we moved back within 5 years, and my parents have been living near her for over 30 years. They have lived their lives for this woman.

    It’s true that every now and then a narcissist says something that reveals them for the monsters that they are.


  22. By: Barbara Posted: 3rd March 2013

    Ah Nancy… I think you are channeling so many of our Narcissistic Mothers, mine included.

    I have wonderful relationships with my children. They are growing into bright, empathic, loving, responsible people. I encourage them to be who THEY are, not what I want them to be. It is ZERO sacrifice for me to encourage or appreciate them. ZERO.

    My NMother once told me: “Make sure, when your children get older, they know how much they owe you.” (this was a huge truth-leak!)

    My response: “My children owe me nothing. I brought them into this world and I owe them everything. I give it freely & gladly and will be glad when they are ready and fly away. That is what they are supposed to do and it’s my job to get them there and support them until the day I die & after.”

    My NMother was not pleased and stomped off. She used to say I was going to “kill her.” Frankly, I think healing is the process of killing her negative messages. And I am glad to see them go.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd March 2013

      Hi Barbara
      Love your comments about “my children own me nothing!” I feel the same way about that! (and that goes for ALL children! Love is never about obligation and children who are loved, will reciprocate that love, NOT out of obligation but out of love!)
      Hugs, Darlene

  23. By: *broken* Posted: 1st March 2013

    Hi Darlene,
    I just started reading your stuff. I recently have cut my mother out of my life and am lost and torn. This article almost made me die inside. Sounds like my mother. She has always been there when I needed her but has put my children in danger by her drinking and drug use. Every time I express that she has done something to hurt my feelings or disrepect my wishes for my 3 yr old and 5 yr old, she turns into the devil herself. I lived in a homeless shelter with her as a child. Then my grandma came out to care for us while my mother went to school and partied. When my grandma moved out she shipped me and my brother to live with my dad for 4 yrs. Then when he decided four yrs of paying child support for children he was caring for was enough he cut her off. She responded saying she had full custody and would make sure he never sees us. Growing up she took me to so many psychologist and had me on every drug possible. She also commited me to the mental hospital many times as a teen. In my adult life she has tried to convince other adults (families and friends) to help commit me, my assumation is so she can take my kids and receive state help for having them since their dads are not present. I grew up a cutter because I had to feel something because I was numb. I am torn because she is always there when I need her but behind my back tearing about all relationships I have with others. She also tells me that I need to either stop working and go to school or go to school and quit working at a job that I have been promoted twice in one yr. I cant understand why a mother wouldnt be proud that her previous drug addict daughter has her life together but instead she would like to put her down and stop the only things that make her feel good about herself. She has also tried to break up my relationship so that I would move back home because when I am there I pay all the bills though she make 3x the money. I have recently seeked counseling because I “had to figure out what was wrong with me”. My counselor read a conversation over text messages between me and my mom and told me I need to cut her out because she is incapable of love. I am so torn and feel weak. My biggest fear is I will give in because she loves my kids and I have ripped them from my life. I know have to go see a childhood trauma counselor and my counselor said if I want my kids to grow up healthy they need to stay away from the woman that taught me at a young age that there was something wrong with me when there is nothing wrong with me. I have changed my number but have no other family here. I am scared. She has threatened suicide before when I stopped talking to her once and I am worried sick for her and my concerns have been voiced to her parents and fell on deaf years. I dont know that I am strong enough for this jounery. I have overcome drugs, abuse pyshical, mental, and sexual but this seems harder than any of that. Reading your words helps alot. Thank you.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd March 2013

      Hi *broken*
      Welcome to emerging from broken!
      I didn’t trust myself for a long time and I didn’t know if I was strong enough but I just keep trying to see the truth about the way things were and I kept believing that IF it was true that my depressions, issues etc. were all rooted in the dysfunctional relationships that I had growing up, that there was hope for me to recover if I saw the truth about it. And I did. I began to see that it was actually dangerous for MY kids to be around these toxic people too.
      IT IS very hard but when I got through it I found healing, I found my identity and I began to live in a way I never imagined; in wholenss and freedom. I hope you will read more of what I have written in this website. I have shared hundreds of examples of how I came out of the fog and saved myself.
      Hugs, Darlene

  24. By: Oona Posted: 20th February 2013

    So Darlene and good folk from EFB I ask you this; Once you have stopped communication with the toxic individual (our mother), how do you get the rest of your family/ siblings to leave you in peace? In other words, they do not, have not, or will not, believe in the M-D paradigm. Of course, (my siblings are male) therefore I am out if control, ungrateful, and a spoiled child (to them Nancy is right). Just today one of my siblings said “Look at all the things you have…” (As if my mother bestowed on me my husband, job, and higher education <– funny, I see humor in that.) They cannot separate physical amenities, such as receiving a washer and dryer as a "gift" (which as really indebtedness) from the words "I love you". I don't know how to ingest this. Do you have a thread on this?

    Hello Anna thread 139, Neglect is an excellent answer and it is a resent revelation for me. I never though of neglect until someone mentioned food and shelter are not emotionally nurturing.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 20th February 2013

      Hi Oona
      This subject is touched on throughout the entire website. There is no fast or easy answer but it might help if you start in the categories for family and mother daughter.
      Hugs, Darlene

  25. By: Anna Posted: 16th February 2013

    Nancy has clearly neglected her daughter in many important ways, and tried to cover it up so as not to take responsibility, unfortunately, in an abusive way. I generally find this a pattern most people exhibit on some level, and the intensity of it generally has to do with the degree of neglect.
    Being a parent is not easy. It demands that we recognize the neglect we suffered in our own childhood (and that may not have been apparent until parenthood) deal with that neglect in a healthy way. We can’t just pretend, and expect to give to our children in a non-neglectful way, if we are walking around in a fog of self delusion.
    More simply, if someone is ‘flawed’ and they can’t or won’t take responsibility and stop blaming in order to get to a healthy place about the neglect, they are just doing what they have been taught. They become blaming themselves, and they take the same road their parents took.

    On the surface, my own parents were extremely neglectful because it was what they learned. Just below the surface on a subconscious level, it must me God/Love working through them, them providing me with little of my emotional needs was purposeful indeed. I had nothing, so I had nothing to lose by getting off the path they were on and onto the right one (I mess up but get back up), because they made it so unbearable, it was less painful to deal with my issues of neglect.

    My own parents sacrificed me for their own selfishness, and because of it, I have been saved. Truly, it’s like God stepped in.

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