Victim Blaming ~ When you are Blamed for the Core of Your Pain

Facebook
Facebook
Twitter4K
Youtube147
Youtube
LinkedIn26

EFB victim blaming

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them” Iyanla Vanzant

I got a little note of “un-appreciation” in the e-mail a few weeks ago. I was told how wonderful Iyanla Vanzant is and that Iyanla ‘gets it’ and that I don’t when it comes to healing. Today one of Iyanla’s quotes came across my desk. This same quote was posted by a reader on the EFB facebook page a few weeks ago and I “liked it” but today I saw it from a different angle; perhaps from the angle of why I got reprimanded for the work that I do by that reader who says that “I don’t get it”.

I think it is a wonderful quote ~ I share this quote myself, but what struck me is that for the most part, people LOVE these kinds of quotes as long as the core of your pain isn’t rooted in the way you were treated and defined by your parents or your family in your childhood ~ because if it is rooted in family dysfunction or child abuse, then oddly enough, the “stain that oozes through and stains your life”, is often presumed to be your own dang fault. If the core of your pain has something to do with your family or having not been protected and validated by your family, the world is not so interested in hearing about it. In those cases the victim survivor is often viewed differently and possibly even blamed for causing the abuse or for bringing it on to themselves! Sometimes children of parental abuse are told they must have done ‘something’ to deserve it even if that abuse was sexual abuse! This is otherwise known as “Victim Blaming”

It’s sad but unfortunately true; people usually don’t respond the same way if the pain we are talking about is being caused by family or if that pain involves talking about injustice that happened to you at the hands of your family. (I suspect that it makes some people uncomfortable for a personal reason more than it is about them not understanding because interestingly enough, people who don’t relate seem very understanding in my experience.)

It is shocking how differently we are received by many if the pain we are talking about has to do with our own mothers and fathers. That’s when we are so often told that talking about the core of our pain is “gossip” and “malice” and that we should not air our dirty laundry in public. That is when we are directed to forgive the abuser or offender without ever having the offence validated in the first place. That is when we are informed to consider that the offender, ‘did the best they could do with what they had to work with”. Or we are told that they didn’t know any better. Or we are instructed to understand the abusive childhood that the abusive or neglectful parents came from themselves and that it was because of the injustice done to them, that they did it to us. (Which validates the abuser but not the victim and in fact is once again, victim blaming.) If your grievance is with your family, and you have been instructed to ‘get over it’ and to ‘leave the past in the past’ or to “forgive and forget”, consider this; NONE of those instructions deals with or heals “the core of your pain that is holding you in your past”

Victim blaming is abusive.

In order to get past this, I had to validate my pain and understand that nobody, not even my family, had the right to disregard or disrespect me. Nobody has the right to objectify me or assign me less value than someone else and that includes the way that my family of origin treats me. Love is only visible by its actions.

The core of my pain that was holding me in the past was stuck in the belief system that developed as a result of the damage done to me and the messages that I believed about myself that were communicated to me about me by the disrespectful and devaluing actions of others. Most of those ‘others’ were related to me by blood or were enabled by people related to me by blood. And most of those ‘actions’ were dismissed by the people related to me by blood.

The key to overcoming those messages has been in finding out what they were and where the roots of them lived and changing them the false messages back to the truth. I had to learn to validate the core of my pain and validate that my pain was understandable, justifiable, real and valid.

It was only then that the pain subsided. It was only then that I realized I was letting go and that letting go was a result of the validation. It was only then that I stopped bleeding. That was how I stitched myself back up and took my life back. That was how I took the action that proved love. That was how I shouted to the world that I was no longer a victim and learned that the blame, the fault, wasn’t mine. 

After that, I started to work on my relationship with me. I am learning to love myself in the way that no human beings love could have healed me. This is the action of love that I have learned to take in my own life in order to heal the core of the pain in my life.

Please share your thoughts about Victim Blaming and about how it feels to have your pain invalidated.

Exposing Truth, one snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here in the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

For related post see highlighted phrases in Bold print  ~ also see:

When Family and Friends say Mean and Hurtful things 

Forgiveness and Child abuse ~ When Suggesting Forgiveness is Abusive

The Roots of Self Blame and Blame Sharing 

 

342 response to "Victim Blaming ~ When you are Blamed for the Core of Your Pain"

  1. By: Jo Posted: 5th June 2018

    Totally relate 100% My egg donor and the rest of those who are coincidentally blood related to me used the excuse that she had it sooo bad growing up that her poor behavior was justified. I spent the first 30 years of my life believing that no matter how horrible she was, it was never as bad as what she went through and to just get over it. Turns out she put me through a helluva lot more hell that she ever experienced. I get she’s got her own pain, but that’s not my fault or responsibility. I am taking responsibility for myself as an adult, but I’m not taking any more responsibility for her bs. And sucks to be her that she can’t do the same, she blames me. Thanks for calling this out, it’s nice to be validated (more lol) 🙂

  2. By: Light Posted: 8th November 2016

    Alyssa,

    I can relate to a lot of what you write about. I too had a frustrating and lonely relationship with my mother; I craved a bond and closeness that never happened.

    I also was so furious, didn’t know myself or know why I felt that way or could even understand the subtleties of the dynamics. I too was walking around very angry and let it out as criticism on innocent people. Even to this day I have to be careful and I slip up. It’s the wrong way to vent, and it’s also self-destructive because there are a lot of kind people out there and it pushes them away.

    I hate having that void that will NEVER be filled. While it isn’t, it feels like it should be a birthright to have a warm and caring and engaged mother who can respond with empathy. That is absolutely needed to start on a good path in life. I’m sorry your mother won’t be the mother you want for your wedding or your life.

  3. By: Alyssa Posted: 3rd November 2016

    When I was 7, my half sister came to live with us thinking that her mother wanted her. My mother put her to work caring for us, cleaning, entertaining us so that my mom could play her computer game all day. My sister went back home and never returned. Her grandparents would threaten to send her back when she misbehaved.

    I always thought I was the lucky daughter because my mom kept me. I thought this was proof I was loved. And maybe I was–when I was very small and cute and absolutely unconditionally loving. Anyway, my mom was always looking for excuses not to be a mom. She talked about being tired all the time, being sick, about how we took for granted everything she did for us. I can kind of understand now, how if you hate being a parent and think you’re more important than everyone else you could justify thinking your children were spoiled and horrible. She’s the kind of person who believes that every person she has in her life has a responsibility to please her. She told me I was too boring, annoying, or hyper to spend time with as a child. She said I never talked about anything interesting as a teenager–I only ever talked about the novel I was writing and why would she want to talk to me about that?

    My brothers and I were blamed for the state of the house, even when I was as young as 5. My mom said it was our fault the house had cockroaches. I grew up believing that I was a literal source of filth. She never cleaned because doing so enraged her. Why should she have to clean up after her spoiled lazy filthy ungrateful children? So she pawned off the responsibility on my older brother, brutalizing him emotionally and physically. I remember wondering why she hated him when I loved him so much. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t see what I did.

    When my brother escaped to live with an aunt, it was my turn to be used. I was already being used at that point as a scapegoat. My mother blamed me for every fight, every problem that I faced with my brothers. She believed that I was selfish, cruel, entitled, so even when my little brother acted violently toward me and I stood still and did nothing, I was blamed for fighting.

    As a teenager, all of my feelings and desires were written off as hormonal problems. This was purely an abuse doled on me as a female. I became so used to having my opinions and feelings habitually squashed that by the time my brother came back is developed a slurry of strange compulsions and phobias. When the family would go out to eat, I didn’t give an opinion on where I wanted to go. Not out of any conscious decision. When my brother asked me why I couldn’t really explain it. I just knew that nobody would care so there wasn’t a point in speaking up. I’d come to see my own opinions as unimportant, my own feelings as hormonal problems. I believed my mom was right about me that I was the cause of her suffering and that I was just lucky I had home and a mom who’d take me out to dinners. I believed that I was boring and that nobody would want to spend time with me and be my friend. I believed that I was disgusting and lazy and that I never helped out enough (which is true–but in my defense, it’s hard to motivate yourself to do anything when you’re trained not to care about your feelings.

    My mom finally admitted a few months ago that she’d been abusive, but it didn’t last long. She’s using it as a manipulation tactic now. When I’m good and I don’t talk about it, she might work it into a conversation of how I can relate to her pain because of some of my experiences. But when I’m not good, when I talk openly about it, the excuses, gaslighting, intimidation, accusation of abuse on my part, and threats of ending our relationship come out. I guess she really needs to feel like she can do and say anything in order to feel loved. It’s funny to me now how she doles out little pellets of validation when I’m very good, like someone trying to treat-train a starving dog. Sorry mom, but that’s really not enough to keep me going here.

    We fought recently. I had been trying to research information on an accusation I made about my stepfather as a kid, and she was quick to tell me how I was stupid to try to look for something to blame for my mental illnesses and dysfunctions. She told me all about how she never would have allowed me to get molested, how she had never let anyone change our diapers but her and she vetted all or baby sitters bla bla bla. It’s all about me and my opinions bla bla bla. So, she told me I was being stupid, that I have paranoia I inherited from my father, but hey, at least it didn’t turn into a screaming match. She even told me she missed me, which would have been nice to hear back when I still would have believed her.

    People really don’t understand the long term effect that being blamed and emotionally shut down has on you. They have no idea the fury that builds up, the self loathing. When you’re not allowed to have your own identity for long enough you just sort if stop being a person. I stopped everything. I couldn’t do well in school, stopped writing, had no hobbies but video games. Now that I’ve been living away from her for two years, I’m finally starting to feel like a person again. I’ve been gardening and sewing. I’ve been going to therapy and making friends, and slowly, so slowly my anger is beginning to fade. Anger is the last defense of an abused person because it’s the emotion that can take a powerless situation and make your feel powerful in the moment. But when it accomplishes nothing (or worse, is harmful) to direct your anger at the actual cause, you learn to deflect it into other things. I used to get so infuriated at anything that reminded me subconsciously of my mother. I ended up saying aggressive and mean things to innocent people because when you can’t receive justice, there’s no such thing to you as innocent.

    I’ve got so many regrets about how I treated others, simply because it was dangerous to address them with the one who controlled my problem. I just couldn’t get her to take my pain seriously, no matter how carefully I described it. After I turned 18 it was even worse. I knew she was no longer legally obligated to me, knew she could kick me out at any minute. I also had no will to do anything about it. When I used my college financial aid to get my teeth fixed because I hadn’t been taken to the dentist in years, she was displeased that I hadn’t given her money in rent. My mom was one of the worst person with money, and she was the only role model I had in my life thanks to all the moves and divorces, but I was exceptionally good with it because I knew I couldn’t be caught spending it on something she disapproved of.

    This isn’t to say she couldn’t be loving. But her loving is usually based off what she thinks she’d want or need in your place, and she couldn’t often relate to my problems. She couldn’t relate to me feeling lonely, held back in life, or like my life had no purpose or meaning. Since she couldn’t relate, she thought I was annoying for bringing it up. When she could relate, she’d take me it out to dinner or a movie and talk to me about an experience she had that was similar and how crappy life could be.

    I do wonder if it’s really my mom’s fault because she’s so insane sometimes, while so lucid, reasonable, and decent in others. She says she is turning over a new leaf these days and she has a pet cat that she actually helps take care of, so it seems to be true to some extent. But no matter how she may change, I doubt I’d ever really trust her enough to get the relationship with her I always craved–one where she hungers for my company, thinks I’m interesting and wants to validate and care for my emotions. One where she can hold me when I’m sad and I feel like I did back when I was still very young–safe and loved–and not just uncertain and awkward, like I’m playing a beloved daughter in a play but I know if I don’t act out the part perfectly I’ll get to hear all about how cruel, unforgiving, and paranoid I am.

    I’m getting married next year and I always wanted my mommy to be there to cry and tell me how much she loves me and how happy she is for me, but I don’t even feel like a real person around her. I don’t think il end up inviting her… but admitting that makes me feel so mean.

    • By: Faith Posted: 10th November 2017

      My mom had this strange feeling towards me. She looked at my brother and sister as if they entertained her, they could be funny and she enjoyed them. She made it clear she didn’t feel the same way towards me. And she didn’t like when I had to be right and maybe I was annoying, whatever it was, she didn’t feel the same for me and she didn’t even look like she gave me a chance. She would laugh at my sisters and brothers friends while mine weren’t allowed over. When I tell her about how she has made me feel all these years she says I need to take responsibility for my life and that it’s not her fault, that she isn’t to blame and has done everything she can for me. I don’t know why I can’t get her to see how different our relationship is, but I think there is a sick side of her that enjoys seeing my pain. What do I do?

  4. By: Hope Posted: 25th April 2016

    Thanks again Darlene,
    Sorry to take over this thread, I feel so elated by your words.
    Cheers xx

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th April 2016

      Hi Hope,
      Please feel free to share whatever you like and as often as you like.
      (this post is pretty old (over 2 years) which is why the inactivity here but please feel free to share on some of the more recent posts ~ (use the home button) or join the discussions there. 🙂
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Hope Posted: 25th April 2016

    Hi Everyone again,

    Did anyone get “don’t say anything(or don’t open your mouth)unless you have something good to say” by your main abusers, while they said whatever they wanted? Everything that was said to me was negative while I said only positive. That’s why I was always so angry and in fight mode with everyone I knew. I was NOT allowed to be honest and it always held me back from the truth, like I had an invisible gag. What a revelation!!!

    OMG! Maria #321 you write amazingly. You really touched my emotions and I get the whole maths analogy. Darlene’s words have a method just like maths does even though very complicated but the way she explains everything it makes sense in our heads and we can relate to our own situations. This is the only way I have taken my life back and now I feel a glimmer of love from my friends and partner. Goodluck to you.

    To Jessica #328, your comments are so interesting as I have never read about siblings having a secret relationship but I honestly concur on how it can happen when you only have each other to turn to. It has not happened to me as I only have a sister. Goodluck with your recovery.
    Cheers xx

  6. By: Hope Posted: 19th April 2016

    Thank you Light and Darlene for the kind words.
    I am not used to getting praise and support of any kind, I almost feel embarrassed (and a bit shy like a young girl again) 🙂

    I am at the stage where I don’t let anyone hurtful, sleazy or annoying in my small bubble for the first time, I have put up a large wall and I call it “banning people” to make it a bit humorous. I almost have no one left to ban. I feel so empty yet happy. I still feel so young but also maturing faster than before. I feel smart and stupid at the same time. I am so mixed up but I feel I am very slowly getting my wings back 🙂

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 19th April 2016

      Hope,
      I totally relate to what you are saying here! I had all kinds of mixed emotions as I came out of the fog and then as I went forward in my new way of thinking, growing and changing!
      Hugs!
      Darlene

  7. By: Light Posted: 6th April 2016

    Hi Hope,

    Please don’t apologize for your posts. This is the place to share what you need to share and you are very articulate! Your experience sounds thoroughly negating and demoralizing. Day after day with the grinding down of your being sounds incredibly difficult and it’s a testament to your spirit and strength that you made it this far. I can understand your anger and sadness.

  8. By: Hope Posted: 6th April 2016

    For me it isn’t so much what my NM did to me, even though it was very physical for many years, it was more about what she didn’t let me do and the free things she didn’t give me(like: love, guidance, time and respect) and the way she treated me and did it…on the sly (like a snake) and by using others to get me to comply and turning everyone I loved against me. It still shocks me that I am describing my own mother.

    So in my life she didn’t want me to succeed in school, to not go to Uni, to not learn to cook, to not finish anything I enjoyed, to not have any friends, to not have my own opinion, to not own my own clothes or dolls as a kid, to not learn about life and sex education, to not make small talk or have proper intelligent conversations with people, to not have confidence, to hate myself, to love others and cling onto them, to always be compared to others even if I did much better things than them, to act shy when I really am not, to not wear make-up, to not have any hobbies or go to the gym, to not have nice clothes as an adult, to not own my own car, to not own my own house, to not renovate my house, to not have my partner, to not be happy with him, to not have children, to not go out and have fun, to not go on holidays, to not speak up, to not defend myself, to not get along with my father, sister, friends, cousins, aunts and uncles, to not be good at anything, to not think for myself, to not look good, to not fix my hair, to not help people she didn’t command me to help, to not ask for help, to not ever accept anything good from anyone, to be a door mat and slave to everyone, to never say NO to anyone’s needs, to never tell anyone what I achieved, to put only her on a pedestal, to not listen to music or watch TV or movies, to not talk to my friends on the phone, to not read books, to never know anything, to smile no matter what, to bow down to my FOO and others, to just never do what I want to do, to accept abuse at any cost, to not say anything she didn’t approve of and so on…

    But I was supposed to know how to do everything, or how to be good at everything, to know what she wanted me to say, I was supposed to be perfect at everything I never learnt and if I happened to succeed at anything from my persistence, she would take all credit for it. As a result, I have become so impatient with myself to get things done even when I don’t know what I am doing and when they don’t get done I get furious from all the pressure I feel to be perfect and be quick.

    It has taken me many decades to get it and I am mad at NM for destroying anything good that came my way. It really just hit me that I had NO control over my life and it makes me sad. I feel like a walking zombie that just woke up. So my core pain is from a loveless mother.

    Thanks Darlene and it is great to meet you on facebook.
    Sorry for babbling so much and not saying anything new. I have no one to tell them how I feel and have them understand what this is all about. I know I have calmed down a lot from the anger issues but I have a lot to learn. Now I get what you are saying about breaking the cycle and validating ourselves. I say NO to victim blaming and YES to freedom.
    Cheers 🙂

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th April 2016

      Hi Hope
      I am glad that you are sharing your heart and your story here! I appreciate your thoughts; you are certainly not alone!!
      hugs, Darlene

  9. By: V Posted: 31st December 2014

    Reading this at 40 yrs old. New Years Eve. Thank you.
    I will re-post this on your blog from my own personal board. Because of Mom´s OCD I was poisoned last year by medical malpractice.
    I have so many mixed feelings about this End of Year 2014 .. New Year 2015. … How can you say good bye to a year that you dont know if it was last year 2013 or this year 2014 .. Where youve spent most of it bedridden withouth knowing what was coming next, if you were going to get better or not from being poisoned. What to do next, what step to take. What new limits did your brain and body have ? Will the damage stay, will it improve, will new things appear ? How will I cope with them ? And here we are, and my brain thinks its the end of 2012 !!! … Its like 2 years dissappeared from my life. My birthday was a couple weeks ago and I should have celebrated 38 years old and not 40 .. I didnt have a Happy Birthday last year, nor this year. Shoudl I be happy I survived 2014 and happy to have had the resources to make it through .. But how can I be happy if that shouldnt have even happenned .. Poisoning and almost dying doesnt happen. Its not normal. Im just not feeling happy like I was 2 days ago. It also has to do with the fact that one of my best friend´s doesnt understand my situation. Not only health, but the family violence, why I still live with my parents if it is not a good environment. How good of a job they have made to make everybody see that they are the most perfect parents ever and how dissappointing and confusing it is that people who are near you, and who know the truth, seem to just want to ignore the truth and follow along with societys perfect family game. Its hard to not have the support neither for health nor for being a violence victim. People are most helpful to those who show wounds or an illness that is physically visible. The isolation from both things: family violence and bad health. Im so dissappointed. I am.

    …. Needless to say no job or clients for my small business. Its hard to work like this or keep clients. Savings are slowly being used. My own insurance company is responsible for me being poisoned. I was poisoned by their clinic. I cant even file claims for what they did to me.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st January 2015

      Hi V.
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      I am so sorry you are going through all this. There is a ton of info in this site about healing and about seeing our way through this stuff that
      happens to us.
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Jessica Posted: 3rd October 2014

    Hi Darlene,

    I’ve been following your facebook posts for quite a while. Just decided to hop over here to the website tonight, as fall is a hard time (I moved out of my parents house around this time when I was 16) and I need to be careful to give myself the attention it deserves, and your words help so much.

    I’m glad I did come here- I often find things on your page I can apply directly to issues which are emerging for me at the exact moment.

    This post is no different. I’m beginning the long journey of writing a book about my experiences as an abused child in a family of addicts and abusers. Your words about validating my pain are very powerful for me, because I spend a lot of time worrying about how it will affect their lives once I publish what I write.

    One thing I do get caught on, is that I worry about publicly talking about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my brother who is 3 years older than me. It started when we were both children and so placing responsibility becomes very complicated when I think about it. I must defend even now my choice to call it sexual abuse because of the nature of it, how much older he was than me, and how long it went on before I came out about it finally. I grapple with that though. If you ever have time or resources to write about children who become involved in inappropriate relationships with each other in abusive households, I would love to read it. Or, if you could point me in the right direction to find resources in order to help me heal, it would be greatly appreciated. I’m in therapy with a wonderful counselor, but I feel like it’s hard to find information on that subject matter and I’m not sure where to look. Getting support is crucial, as I’m sure you understand!

    Thank you for your words, and I look forward to reading more!

  11. By: Eve Fain Posted: 27th September 2014

    Thank you for this article. I am unable to get my oldest brother to validate our shared childhood experiences partially because of his own abusive personality! According to him, his early experiences were great! Toughened him up/made him into the real man he is today. What he is today is a person who will die fairly soon from COPD or lung cancer initiated by smoking 3 packs of cigarettes per day. My other brother is very overweight. My oldest brother with COPD has very little self insight and so has inflicted lots of pain on his own children. But our childhood was “good” according to him. I am just the neurotic one! It is my fault!!! My memories of my enraged father chasing me or my brothers through the house to beat us with a razor strap are just my neurotic view of our angelic childhood?? Seriously no! I am so grateful I found a religion that supports my recovery, that I had a husband to raise children with that did not believe in beating them to get compliance…..!! Recently my oldest brother was fairly successful in wounding me & then it hit me in the middle of the night that he has patterned himself after our father. Some of my disempowerment in my early years was his fault. The world view he holds is: might is right/beat the crap out of someone or psychologically wound them to get your way. I explained to him that obviously the relationship with me is not as important to him as being “in charge & right”. Remember this. Sometimes if you have been abused you have learned to abuse others as a coping strategy. It takes energy to learn to see the world a new way and to learn new ways of communication but it can be done! Boundaries have to be erected and maintained to keep the abusive types in their own space as otherwise you will get wounded again.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th September 2014

      Hi Eve
      Welcome to emerging from broken! It takes a LOT of energy, but yes it can be done and this is what emerging from broken is about. I think you have found the right website!
      hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Maria Posted: 7th September 2014

    Thank you Naomi, it feels that I am so programmed to make excuses for my parents that I am suprised I even realised that I do it. I always thought that I would be incredibly spoilt if I even thought that they were wrong. I never allowed me to think it.

  13. By: Naomi Posted: 6th September 2014

    Hi All,
    I wanted to share that I recently had the opportunity to confront my childhood abuser face to face. I was so supported by some of my friends and family throughout the process. It felt so good to say what I needed to say and then to stop all contact with this person. Life feels so good all of the sudden. Without protecting the perpetrator of my suffering it feels like I could float away with lightness. There has been such a heaviness for so long. My sleep has been so much better and simple tasks have been easier to accomplish. There are still emotional and mental damage to be healed and lies to be unraveled. I am on that path though. And it feels like I am alive! Thanks Darleen for your example and so many of you for awesome support also.

    Maria~ I understand about the doubts and how confusing it is to doubt your own feelings, reality, and experience. It has been so difficult to speak with one of my family members who is not supportive yet at this time. It becomes so confusing when I start to settle into the idea that there must be something wrong with me and that the lies and abuse that happened to me are likely just all my fault~ or that someone I created them in my head. Or also if I start to try to discover what could have made my dad act so horribly towards me. That also starts to mess with my head. It’s only when I accept that what happened was not my fault~ and that my experience is valid and my feelings are valid~ that I feel good and solid~ and like it all makes sense. When I place the blame where it belongs~ on my dad~ all of my life makes so much more sense and I feel like I can finally understand myself and my life and can accept who I am and move forward. It hurts sometimes to feel and to see that he made such horrible choices. He could have been a better person. Still to this day he could make a choice to change. These thoughts are not always supportive for me, though because I sometimes feel like I should somehow help him to see that he needs to change. This is sort of what has kept me quiet for so long, perhaps. I am learning that it’s not my fault that he screwed up and made those abusive choices. Those decisions are his responsibility.

    Now I am becoming free to live! Like really feel alive and have a whole life ahead of me. Or at leas the rest of it. And I have more acceptance for what I have already lived.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 6th September 2014

      Naomi
      That is wonderful!! I am so happy to read your update!
      hugs, Darlene

  14. By: Maria Posted: 5th September 2014

    I have been reading your articles – the way you have them linked is very nice – and I need to thank you for keeping me on the path. I managed to get a glimpse of the truth on my own (some incidents that I just could not find any excuses-what else do I need to see from my parents to realise the truth), then found your blog but it is so very difficult to keep up. The doubts keep coming and it needs hard mental work to address them logically without the lies that cover it. And I am so incredibly well trained to cover it for them myself. I don’t know if I would be able to keep up without this blog. I also want to add that I strongly believe that you are so intelligent, the connections I am trying to make remind me so much of my mathematics background at university. Sorry if it sounds completely off topic, but maths is truth for me.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th September 2014

      Hi Maria
      Thank you so much for your lovely acknowledgments.
      This is hard work and it does take some time and for me the amount of awareness for the first year or two was exhausting, but wow, my life is 100% better today!
      Hugs, Darlene

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.