Understanding Depression and the Sinking I Can’t Breathe Feeling

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dragged under by depression

Depression began at a very young age for me. I think that fact added to the belief that I was somehow defective and different from other people. 

Depression always began with a sinking feeling. Sometimes I fought it. When I fought depression it felt like I was fighting in a mud bog and I was too tired to battle my way out. It felt like my legs were tangled up in vines or underwater foliage and I couldn’t get free of them. They were pulling me under. I could see and feel hands grabbing at me, trying to drag me down.  “Something” or “someone” was pulling me under.

Sometimes I felt like someone was sitting on my chest and holding me down. Holding me back; Keeping me under; I felt like I was fighting just to be seen. I felt like I was drowning in a deep black swamp and people were standing around but they didn’t notice me. People, only a few feet away and they could not see how close to death that I was. And they didn’t CARE. They were laughing and talking as though they were at a cocktail party and no one cared that I was thrashing around, fighting for my life and sinking in that swamp.

Many times I thought it would be so much easier just to give in and let the dark water close over me. But it never took me completely. No matter how tired I got, I lived a partial death but complete escape from the dark was not attainable.

That was before……..

That was before I found out how I ended up in that swamp

That was before I found out who “they” were ~ the ones who stood around laughing and talking while I was drowning, sinking, and dying only mere feet away.

That was before I fought for my life and fought to find the truth about how I could escape that oppression and darkness that I lived in for so long.

Depression almost killed me but I didn’t know that depression itself was “a result” of something. There was a root to depression ~ there was a reason that depression was so prevalent in my life.

I wanted “someone” to save me and I felt guilty and unjustified in wanting that. I also felt like I was not worth saving. There were roots to those conflicting thoughts too;

  1.  I had been taught growing up that I was nothing without “them” that I needed “them” (people, relatives, adults, teachers) in order to survive. I had been taught to depend on these people for my value and to try harder to obtain that value. Controlling manipulative people always ask for “more”. They want more effort, more proof of submission, more time, more love, more compliance. The more that I tried, the more THEY felt validated. And today I realize that fact is about them; they used me to validate themselves. They made me jump through hoops to prove their own value. They asked for more and more because their own self esteem was so low.  AND I believed that if I could make them feel good about themselves, then I would feel good about myself.  If I could prove their worth ~ then I would HAVE worth.  That is what they taught me. I had no choice but to believe it. There was no other option presented to me.

“I felt hands grabbing at me trying to drag me under” ~ or perhaps  those hands were trying to grab at me so they could use me to get themselves OUT from under the water in their own murky swamp. My purpose and value to them was in making them feel better about themselves.. Restoring their order and their value was what they wanted from me, and it was what I wanted to do (because I truly believed that was the only way that I could be valid) ~ but it was never enough.

  1. I had also been taught that I was unworthy of their approval. Over and over again I failed to restore their value. It was never enough and I didn’t know that restoring the value of another human being is not possible. It was the definition of love that I had learned and I believed it. I kept trying. The truth is that in their view I was not “good enough” or “deserving enough” for “them” to bother saving me. My only value (as they saw it) was in saving them.

Those two conflicting beliefs ~ that I needed “them” the very people who defined me as unworthy in the first place, to validate me and the fact that I (believed) I was indeed not worthy to be validated, warred in the depth of my soul. 

As my life progressed I found myself sinking more and more. Descending deeper and deeper; fighting less and less. Murky visions of what it might be like to stop fighting for life (and validation) became more frequent. Sometimes seeing blurry sunlight through the frozen ice above me; perhaps there was hope but I had no idea how to access it. The older I got the more tired I got. The more I fought (the truth) the more I sunk. I was exhausted.

Until; I faced the roots of depression. I finally looked at the truth about the past. Not just the events, but what those events communicated to me about me.  What happened to me? What had gone wrong? What was at the root of depression and the way that I felt about myself and my life?

I finally realized how I had been defined by the actions and communications of others and that these trauma events and the hopelessness surrounding them had resulted in the constant depressions.   

I realized that validation could come from me.

I started to change the visual. The underwater foliage broke free. I started to see myself kick those hands away. I raised my fist to all those that restrained me. I started to fight back. I got angry at the way that I had been held back, held down and oppressed.  I saw the roots of the depression and they were not my lack but someone else’s false definition of my worth.  I started to see myself strive for the sunlight. I wanted to be IN that sunlight. I fought to be there. I broke through the ice. I emerged from the depths. I shivered and shook with cold and fear and self doubt but I pressed on. I fought for my life. I fought for my birthright; my original value. I fought for me.

And I won.

Please share your thoughts. Remember that your information will not be shared with anyone and you may use any name you wish. EFB has a Facebook page, however your comments here are not connected to facebook nor are they published there.

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 Other Related Posts ~ The black hole of Neglect by Pam Witzemann 

Why I didn’t Know how I Felt about anything ~Darlene Ouimet

If Happiness is a decision WHY couldn’t I make it ~ Darlene Ouimet

68 response to "Understanding Depression and the Sinking I Can’t Breathe Feeling"

  1. By: Light Posted: 14th April 2016

    Hi Conner,

    Welcome! I’ll echo what Darlene said – we have a very active and supportive community here. If you make your way to the home page, and then scroll down and look on the right under “new comments”. There you’ll find the most active discussions. Also, the most recent post typically has recent active conversation. I am sorry you are hurting so, yet I believe there is light and hope. Darlene has a wonderful way of putting into words what so many of us experience and feel, and helping us to build up our self-esteem. I know for me I also needed the help of a therapist to vent and feel safe and understood.

    ((Hugs))

  2. By: Conner LaFleur Posted: 13th April 2016

    I do not know if anyone will even read this. It seems to me that this website is old and no longer kept up. I have a question. What should I do when I have fallen so deep, that I am almost positive that I am insane, that my will has left me, and am barely hanging onto life itself. I feel the heaviness, I have so many ideals, memories flowing through my head. I took on an impossible task of helping someone but I somehow messed up even more along the way. I am a Mormon, I believe in God and Jesus Christ. Yet, I am failing and falling. I have reached the point where all that is left is try to continue to scream out, because I want my endless madness to end. I am broken. I feel that only God and Jesus Christ himself could possibly hope to save me, and even then I doubt it. I doubt everything and trust nothing. Please explain to me what I need to do. How do I become sane.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th April 2016

      Hi Conner
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      Perhaps finding this website was an answer to your prayer? I hope you will keep reading and sharing. There is a lot of insight and info here.
      You have landed on a really old article, but the website is very much still active and current. Please go to the home page (the button with the little house on it) for current material and active discussions.
      Please don’t give up on yourself. I am glad you are here!
      hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Ashley Allen Leonard Posted: 28th December 2014

    I so wanted to comment because of how exactly you speak for me many times, Darlene. But the tears start flowing. I was unable to make the correlation that my self destructive behaviors were directly related to years of sexual abuse from those who should have been protecting me. Hope to share someday how a loving God revealed His love to me and Never gives up on me and is healing me. Thats what I can share today.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th December 2014

      Hi Ashley
      That is so awesome that you were able to make the connection! That was the beginning of healing for me.
      Thank you for sharing your heart and your tears here,
      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Dave Posted: 15th December 2013

    This is a fantastic article/blog. I was so broken when I posted what I did above. I had no idea how broken I was. I had no idea how depressed I was. I too, began to suffer from depression at a very young age. My self worth was demolished by my mothers constant demeaning of me and demands that I meet her needs, which were often unspoken but nevertheless implied. The rule in our home was that everyone did everything they could to please mom and make her happy but it was never enough. It was that black hole that could never be filled up. No amount of love, support, material things were ever enough. I could not see it for a long time. I have been looking for validation from others for a long time. I never got any validation from my parents. They were both so mean and angry and argued all the time. I felt so much shame as a child and often wished I had never been born. I wished I could crawl under a rock and hide often. I became ashamed of who I was and was ashamed of how I looked. I am sure that was the beginning of my depression. Now I look to God to validate who I am and I work on validating myself. As I have healed the inner child from all the abuse, the depression has begun to lift some. I no longer need family to feel good about who I am or to feel like I belong. I am ok with who I am. Just because they didn’t love and accept me, that was their problem not mine. For a long time I saw it that I was flawed and defective. Now I realize that it was all their dysfunction and chaos. I am learning to love myself. It feels good !

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th December 2013

      Hi Dave
      Great to hear from you! You sound great! Thanks for the update!
      hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Kareem Posted: 15th December 2013

    Hello Darlene,

    Thanks for your articles they give me hope.
    I was abused during my whole childhood, physically by my grandmother who used to attach me to a chair all day instead of watching me when my parents were working, verbally and physically by my father who used to beat the s*** out of me and my brother and sexually by my uncle from age 6 to 8 (he was 10 years older than me). I’ve always felt there was something pulling me back, I am smart and healthy but I’m stuck at a stage that keeps me from reaching my full potential. When I have a job and a stable life I’m ‘ok’ but as soon as there’s a change of scenery (I moved 7 times in the last 14 years) it’s like I can’t do anything. I have food and sleep disorder as well as BDD and OCD and am very emotionally dependent. As a result, I am 31, obese, unemployed and lonely and I don’t wanna waste any more minute of this precious life God gave me, please let me know how you did cause I’m tired

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th December 2013

      Hi Kareem
      Welcome to EFB
      The ways that I overcame are sort of laced through this website in the different stories and examples I use of how my false belief system about me formed in the first place. (this is also how I help my clients to figure out where they are stuck) The key to the present is in the past! Keep reading Kareem, it can take some time!
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Carol Derry Posted: 18th December 2012

    It wasn’t until I was 17 and I was at college when it truly hit me how very different my childhood has been. It still has hidden triggers and anger lurking, just beneath the surface. I used to be soooo angry at my mother, but it never achieved anything at the time. So I learnt to heal on my own, not tell my family ore partner what I spoke about or what inwas trying to do. It has not really changed much over the last 25 or so years, though I have started the set of dynamic therapy I’ve been waiting on, and this time I will face the issues I skirted around and didn’t face all ther other times. I want to be happy. Not just for show but just happy and connected. Is that so much to ask for?

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 19th December 2012

      Hi Carol
      That is awesome that you are going to face the issues now! You deserve to be happy and connected! We all do!
      That is not at all too much to ask for!
      Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: SMD Posted: 10th April 2012

    Hi Jenna,

    Great article!….The Closet Narcissist defines my mom to the T. I love what is says about creative expression being very important in recovery. So validating…The creative outlet gives the daughter of a narcissist a separate self. I find my paintings and writing healing. That is where I express myself.
    Thanks for sharing!!
    Sonia

  8. By: Jenna Posted: 10th April 2012

    All this singing stuff in the comments here reminds me of this article I found online about Rapunzel. Have you read this? Astounding. I’m a singer too. I started taking lessons when I was 35. All I would do for a while is sit alone and sing…

    Rapunzel, Daughter of a Closet Narcissist
    http://chinnstreetcounseling.com/zomerland/zomerland_25.shtml

  9. By: Deborah Posted: 25th February 2012

    Hi again.. I hope im not commenting too much but I said a big YAH when Darlene stuck up for Jen in going back to the past.. we wouldnt keep being drawn there unless it was all resolved….how many times did my ex say.. well i hope you can put all that to bed now and only take away the positive.. subscript…… “your valid negative angry feelings make me uncomfortable and id rather you didnt have them”….and “ill never apologise”.. at least now I dont expect it as I have faced reality… what is important is that I know how I feel and how I was treated…I used to have a terrible nightmare but it was so real like a dar malevolent force was sitting on my chest and struggle as I could I couldnt get up or breathe.. at 17 I was literally pinned for over an hour in a car and had to be cut out.. but other trauma came before.. or so my therpaist feels I just cant remember it….the point is that comment the past isnt even really past.. last night I awoke at 3am with a voice.. read page 187 in Peter Levines.. Waking the Tiger there he talks all about the compulsion to repeat which goes on until we resolve the past.. I know we arent meant to give advice but I still say.. ..dont let anyone stop you looking at the past or speaking out about it if that is what you need to heal.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th February 2012

      Hi Deborah!
      Don’t ever worry about commenting “too much”.
      Looking at the past saved me from a present that was filled with depression and sadness and total exhaustion..
      Hugs, Darlene

      p.s. re “advice” what you said is not the kind of advice I am talking about.. I am talking about telling someone specifically what they “should do”.

  10. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th February 2012

    Hi Libby!
    This is what I found too. That is why I write this blog and speak my message; I found the root of it and once I faced the truth about that root, (where the depression came from) the depressions stopped. And yes, there was so much grief involved that I had been avoiding and believing I was wrong or unworthy to feel it. I was denied my own right to grieve. And I denied me too.
    Thank you so much for sharing this VICTORY today and for sharing that there really is HOPE!
    Hugs, Darlene

  11. By: Libby Posted: 18th February 2012

    As far as I can remember I have had cycles of depression – roughly every 7 years….Certainly at 14 I got my first anti-depressants – I had been severely abused throughout my 12th and 13th years. For me, its like wading through knee-high treacle carrying a heavy weight – on my chest and back. I now believe I was abused around the age of 6yrs too – and I can certainly relate behaviour changes to around that time – but they were excused due to other factors in my life at that time. Since then, I can say depression pitches up right on time – at 28, 35, 42, 49 – but then the sequence got skewed by the events of the last 5 years – one major life=stressor after another, with no time in between to recover – and I can now see how I got pushed over into full-blown PTSD 2yrs ago. I would be due a depressive episode this year – but I don’t think its gonna come this time. Because??? Because finally I know why I have been getting depressed all these years. Finally I am facing the truth and getting help. I too have lived my life at 20% of what it “should” have been – which I have been only too aware of – but didn’t understand why – I do now. So now I believe it can be different.
    And Patricia Spiritual Journey of a LIghtworker – your psychiatrist is a true healer – he is SO right in what he said to you. Our depressions are really grief – for all of the wrongs done to us, all of the things we have been robbed of and cheated out of. If only other shrinks/therapists were so aware…..!
    We have a right to be sad – what happened to us was awful, wrong, soul-destroying. It WAS upsetting, why wouldn’t we respond to those horrible events by becoming sad/depressed? Its probably the most “normal” feeling we could have had! But we also have aright to all those other feelings too – rage, confusion – as well as happiness, self-belief, love.
    Thanks again, Darlene – love to you

  12. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 27th December 2011

    Hi Lainey
    I am glad that you are here too. I understand your story. I am so sorry that you are stuck in this horrible situation. Please share as much and as often as you wish here; don’t worry about monopolizing the conversation. That is one of the reasons that I created this space. Great things come out of writing and sharing this stuff.
    As for me, one day I told myself exactly what you said. I said to myself, “I am alive. what about me?” and I started the process of taking my life back from the ones who took it from me and the ones that were continuing on from where others left off. That is what this site is about; you found the right place!
    Hugs, Darlene

    Hi Sophia,
    I absolutely love what you posted here. The same has been true for me. And I had to give myself permission to visit the past as often as I needed to because I was so brainwashed that digging up the past was wrong.
    Thanks for your comments,
    Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Sophia Posted: 27th December 2011

    Dave, my experience has been different. I have found that going back and deliberately excavating the past has truly accelerated my healing process. There was much that I had “put to bed” without fully understanding or grieving for, and digging these up and seeking to decipher what they told me about how I developed a false belief system from them has been crucial. I don’t consider it a negative factor if I have to keep going back to them as many times as it takes to fully understand and grieve for them. Some thing were just too awful not to require a lot of grieving. And often, by re-examining these old stories at different times, I gain new insights in light of being further along in my process of healing. Are you saying that you see people who keep bringing up old memories without understanding how to heal from them? I have been in that position, and Darlene and others have provided me with tools for making the healing happen, but I believe that there is a reason a person could not let something go until they have come to understand what the trauma has done to them.

  14. By: Lainey Posted: 26th December 2011

    I feel so fortunate to have discovered this site. At the end of August I left my abusive ten year marriage (I left him not long after he assaulted me-prior to that it was psychological, emotional and financial) and in a hurry, I packed whatever I could into my car, and drove to the closest place which was my elderly father and maternal grandmother’s house. My ex was so adept at pretending he was a prince, he had everyone snowed that I was the villain and my own family didn’t believe me. I had to beg them to let me stay, and they even made me describe in detail HOW he assaulted me. Add to this that four immediate family members died in the past ten years (mother, aunt, two siblings) and I was very sick with a mysterious illness and hospitalized repeatedly over two years, and am still recovering 4 years later. After a total meltdown two weeks after staying at my father’s, my doctor and domestic crisis/violence advocate intervened and got me in to see a therapist who was well known in the area for specialized work and we began to work together in earnest. She got me to see that I basically married my family, insomuch as although I couldn’t at first admit my family scapegoated me and also allowed me to be sexually abused and brutalized by extended family members, I defended them when they wouldn’t even protect me. It took even longer for me to accept that my current living arrangements, while I’m not able to change right now due to finances, are just as bad because I’m living with two of my abusers who continue to drag me down and berate me. I work so hard at being positive and working on myself and my therapist has said she’s never met anyone who wanted to heal as badly as me or as strong as me, but I feel so alone and so isolated. There’s so much more but I don’t want to monopolize the discussion but I’ve been through so much and these past few weeks have been the worst in my life, esp because my late (and only) sister’s birthday was Christmas Eve and my family refuses to observe any holidays because they say, Why bother, everyone is dead. Even when I say, But I’m alive. What about me?

  15. By: dave Posted: 26th December 2011

    Darlene – thanks for clarifying ! I appreciate it. I havent read all the rules for the blog. My intentions are good – i promise. I will try and use “i statements” for the future. I wasnt meaning to say dont go back to the past. I think there is a crucial difference in “going back to the past” vs. “digging up the past” – i have found that some people continue to go back to the same things over and over again and are never able to move forward. I agree that the only way to truly heal is to deal with what happened in the past. I agree that you have to face it and deal with it.

    Jen – sorry for giving my advice. I will try and be more careful in the future. I know that “should” has been a huge issue for me and learning that’s it ok to do what i want instead of what i “should” – I hate living my life by what i should or ought to do – to me that is living life based on what someone else wants and not what i want. By no means was i saying dont look at the past or dont deal with it. I have found that it does not help me to continue to dig up stuff that i have already worked through. When i have put something to bed so to speak, i leave it there. Unless God shows me otherwise i just dont go back to stuff i have already dealt with. Forgive me for trying to dictate to you – sorry !!

  16. By: Jen Posted: 26th December 2011

    Darlene,

    While Dave’s comments did not offend me, I want to thank you for what you said on my behalf. I believe this is the first time anyone has ever stood up to protect my integral need to uncover my past and truly figure out why I am broken. This is the first time anyone has given me permission to look back and heal. Your words touched my heart in a way it hasn’t been touched but has needed to be for so very long. Thank you.

    With love,
    Jen

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th December 2011

      Jen
      Thank for telling me; you have touched me the same way back. I feel warm inside. Someone had to help me to understand that I could stand up for me. I want to do that same thing for others.
      Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: dave Posted: 26th December 2011

    Jen – thanks for your feedback. I looked back frantically for my post on this message and could not find it (i am not losing it thank god !). Jen – you use the word “should” twice – “i should be happy” and “the inner joy i should be feeling” – there is no SHOULD Jen – no one can dictate how you should feel. You feel how you feel Jen. It sounds like you just need to give yourself permission to enjoy the life that you have. When things are good and going well, embrace it. dont go back to the past. Let the past stay there and when things do surface then work on them. If we keep digging up the past we will never be able to truly move forward into what God has for our future. You have done a lot of work – give yourself permission to enjoy it ! Trust that God will bring to the surface anything that needs to be dealt with. Its ok to move forward Jen ! You can keep making that conscious choice not to go back. You can do it !

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th December 2011

      Dave,
      RE your comments to Jen ~ please be careful about giving other people directives and feedback about what you think they need to do differently or what they are doing wrong and what you think that the results will be if they do what you think is right. This is the kind of thing we are all trying to get away from in the first place. Everyone has the freedom here to share things the way that they want to share them without fear of judgement or directives from other readers. Telling someone “don’t go back to the past” is against my whole message here. Going back to the past is what set me free. It was the past where I found out how I got broken in the first place so that I could mend. I could never find my true purpose in life until I faced the past. I could not enjoy the life I had until I faced why I felt so much unhappiness regardless of how good my present was. I had to go to the past for the missing puzzle peices.
      All I am asking is that you share what works for you, instead of wording it at someone else.
      Thanks ~ hugs, Darlene

  18. By: nancy Posted: 17th December 2011

    I can’t think of how or what I want to say, There is so much rushing though me atm, I do want to THANK YOU ALL for sharing and caring. as I read more and more it’s like someone is that voice I just couldn’t find, it’s so hard when you aren’t able to talk to others because your in fear of people thats to tbi and ptsd, I thank you all and I thank God that someone linked me here….. much love and peace to everyone.

    Darlene Thank you for being my Angel ( hugs)

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th December 2011

      Hi Nancy
      Welcome to EFB! I am so glad you are here.
      When I read your “thank you for being my Angel” my eyes filled up ~it just hit me is such a beautiful way. Thank you.
      Hugs and love, Darlene

  19. By: Vicki Posted: 17th December 2011

    What are you supposed to do when your doctor tells you your depression is caused by Seasonal Affective disorder, which means that during the winter months, your body gets deprived of vitamin D and causes depression, b/c vitamin D helps control moods?
    I don’t just have a depression created from experiences, unless you want to count starving your child of necessary vitamins b/c you’d rather drink booze “depression from life experiences.”
    I had full-blown iron-deficient anemia, that’s why they sort of took me out of the home. But, to hear everybody else in my family talk, the law came in like some Russian soldiers and ripped a “perfectly healthy, happy child away from her parents.”
    I don’t even understand what makes them believe themselves. Even when I “liked my mom and dad despite what they’d done,” I still at least knew what they did.
    These brothers and sisters give no indication that they even know.
    I’m just wondering how long I’m going to be completely alone with this issue. In terms of my family, I mean. You guys are supportive, and that’s great, but nobody in my offline life will believe it happened. And it can be really annoying that someone doesn’t believe you had anemia. It annoys me anyway.
    I’m still TRYING to win. Still trying–and hoping there’s a light at the end of this tunnel the way there was during my near-death experience. The light meant hope, that’s why it felt so wonderful and peaceful.
    Anyway, that’s where I am today. Some of my depression is caused by vitamin D deficiency and some is from experiences.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th December 2011

      Vicki
      Yes, I am strictly talking about depression resulting from life experiences. I didn’t need anyone to believe it in my old life. That is not one of the requirements in the process of overcoming.
      Keep reading. This site if full of the insights that I had with regards to all of what you are posting here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  20. By: Susan Posted: 16th December 2011

    I have felt like you all my life, though I now understand why now and I am finding me…

  21. By: marybeth Posted: 16th December 2011

    OK, In all Honesty I am without words.It is as if you are or have been sitting right inside my concience.Word for word push down by push down. And when I tried to explain how I was feeling no one could “hear” or understand what I was saying. I never thought about that how I was stroking their fur. But that makes so much sence~why would you understand and have the person that was making your life happy CATCHING ON AND STOPPING ! DUH ! Thank You

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th December 2011

      Hi Marybeth,
      I am glad that part resonated with you. When I started seeing some of the truth about that part, my whole world changed for the better.
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Susan
      Welcome. I am so glad to hear that you are finding YOU now! That has been a huge part of the joy in recovery for me.
      Hugs, Darlene

  22. By: Jen Posted: 16th December 2011

    Hi Dave,

    I feel like you in that I wish I could push pause on my daily commitments and just deal with this full force. But I’m a wife with three kids (whom I homeschool) so this is just not possible. This past week, things have been so “fresh” again that I’ve found myself doing what I did as a child; doing the bare essentials to keep life going and as soon as that is done, retreating to my own private corner of blackness. It’s frustrating in that I feel like just when I might be having a “breakthrough,” duty calls and I have to leave whatever progress I just made. By doing that, I actually lose a little progress. Like two steps forward and one back. That’s pretty much been my life though and this is what I want to be free of. I have a very blessed life. God has given me a wonderful husband who is the exact opposite of the kind of people I grew up with. I have wonderful children and our family is doing well even in this economy. Life is good so I should be happy too. But what happens when life is good is that I have nothing pressing to focus my energy on so I focus on the past. I am greeted with that inner feeling of doom and it dampens all the joy and peace I should be feeling. And when there is any sort of conflict, that inner doom seems to magnify it. However, now that I see both of these things more clearly, I am not letting that doom have complete control of me. It’s a conscious change that I am making but I truly want to feel better inside so that I can enjoy what is outside.

    Hugs.
    Jen

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th December 2011

      Hi Jen
      The post that you are responding to that Dave wrote is on a different article. 🙂 He didn’t comment on this one.
      If you want to cut and paste this comment (it is a great comment!) into the comments for the post “Emotional Healing Does Not Depend ON” then please go ahead and do that!
      Hugs, Darlene

  23. By: Sophia Posted: 16th December 2011

    Jen, I can relate to the general feelings of annoyance. For me, it just seems interesting that now that I am busting through the fog, and starting to live my life in a more healthy way, the inner voice seems to have become MORE self-critical. It seems to be taunting me, belittling me for thinking that my progress has been so great, but saying that I am still a nobody by other people’s standards. By the way, this is not what I actually hear from the people around me today, who respect and support me in my journey. And people I work with seem grateful for my hard-won emotional maturity and advice. But this implanted inner critic still sneers and lashes out constantly.

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