To Heal from Emotional Damage Know what the Damage Was

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the truth about neglect and child abuseIf there is ONE place that I recommend starting the emotional healing process, it is starting with the damage.  That might sound easy, but I had to actually find out what “the damage” to me was. 

I had to find out how I got broken.  What happened to my self esteem in the first place? How did my self esteem get so low? What happened to me? That was where the keys were and those were the keys that led to freedom. 

I remember when I realized that my depressions and dissociative issues came from somewhere; I sat stunned, repeating to myself over and over ~ What happened to ME?

I had to look at the roots. I thought that I was born depressed.  But the more I thought about it, how could that be?? There were actual events that caused damage and my depressions were in fact related to those events! I just had to see it. I had to finally SEE it. 

The biggest obstacles in my way were avoiding looking at how I used by others, how I was objectified and not considered to be equally human, and how I was failed by others. By avoiding looking at the truth about that, I was able to excuse the damage they caused.  I excused them because I had to. As a child, survival is of the utmost importance and if we start complaining about the people who are failing us, but are also in charge of our welfare, it is a pretty sure fact that we are not going to survive.

When I tell stories about teachers who were bullies or outsiders who devalued or abused me, I get a huge response. It is much easier to face the truth about someone outside of the family that hurt me and damaged me than it is to face the truth that my parents let me down, but the truth is that my parents knew about the bullying and the way it was effecting me, (I was sick in bed for months) and they avoided doing anything about it until I was so sick that the Dr whose care I was under, figured it out and MADE them do something about it.  As I have written before, my parents tried to resist the Doctor, but he threatened to get a court order on my behalf.

If the damage, (including the emotional damage) is excused and ignored… there is further damage. I am saying “so what” if my parents were “sick”. They did a lot of damage with their “sickness” and instead of looking at them and making excuses for them, it was time to look at the damage ~ to call it like it is ~ and heal from it. EVEN if it makes them angry; even if it hurts them; even if they rejected me and even though they deny it, lie about it and don’t agree with me or validate my truth. They started covering their butts when I was a baby, why would now be any different? It finally had to be about me or I would have ended up just like them; dysfunctional, sick, chronically depressed and unhappy.

It was one thing to face the damage that the teacher herself caused to me. That was the easy part. It was way harder to face how much emotional damage was caused to me because my parents were unwilling to act on the information that they got, (even from the doctor) in favor of saving face in the community.

My parents were still discounting me and devaluing me when I was a grown woman married and with 3 children. My father was still disinterested in me or in my life and didn’t seem to acknowledge that I was alive. His phone calls were still all about him. No matter what was going on in my life, he switched the subject in order to talk about himself and what was going on in his life. Every phone call or visit from him was a painful reminder that I was not valid or important to him.  

I was in my 40’s and my mother was still accusing me of enticing her boyfriends when I was a teenager and how it was because I had a crush on one of her boyfriends when I was just turning 14 was what caused him to come to my room in the night and molest me. My mother was still putting me down and accusing me of being the biggest problem that she ever had.  I was not allowed to have a voice, I was not allowed to look at the truth; the fog spin that she created was way too thick for me to see through it.

I was getting really tired of carrying the entire burden of the relationship with my parents. There was no pay off. They still invalidated me.

My biggest fear was that my parents would reject me if I faced the truth.

The truth is that my parents rejected me when they didn’t take care of me in the first place. They rejected me when they refused to hear me and silenced my voice and instead protected the people hurting me. They rejected me when they called me “dramatic, and a story teller”.  They rejected me when the way the rest of the world saw them, was more important than I was.  They were still rejecting me in the exact same ways. That is what I had to face. That was the damage.

I had to start by facing the damage.  The truth is that both my parents were broken. I had to finally say “SO WHAT?”  Whatever happened to them did not excuse or make up for what happened to me and knowing about how hard “they had it”, didn’t help me to heal. There was no solution in realizing that my parents were abused and devalued too. There was no solution in knowing that my mother suffered from chronic depression. It didn’t cancel the way that I was treated.

I had to stop running from the truth. I stopped accepting that depression was a “gene” that I was born with and instead, face the roots of my distress. In order to heal, I had to find out how I got broken.  What happened to my self esteem in the first place? How did my self esteem get so low? What happened to me? That was where the keys to emotional healing were hidden and those were the keys that led to freedom from depression, low self esteem, dissociative identity disorder, and many other issues that I had. 

Depressions, dissociative identity, illnesses and addictions all manifested in my life as a result of not being protected, emotional neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse and spiritual abuse.  The roots of all of these were grounded in being unloved in the true definition of love.

Finding and facing the damage led me to learning the truth about my value. Self love and self esteem finally became possible when I faced where the broken began.

Please share your thoughts on facing the damage.

There is freedom on the other side of broken

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

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136 response to "To Heal from Emotional Damage Know what the Damage Was"

  1. By: Jes Posted: 12th January 2017

    I can somewhat relate. I was born from an affair my mother had while whe was married to my Dad. She used to have affairs all the time before and while I was growing up. My Dad somehow stayed married to her for 26 years and somehow accepted me as his own son. Talk about a hero? He was mine! I knew who my real father was, but never had a relationship with him and never confronted him. He was married, lived across town with his wife and used to give money to my mother on occasion. The money helped her regarding clothes for me for school and she’d tell me with almost a sense of pride whenever a Christmas gift came from him. I never contacted him simply out of respect that he gave money sometimes to my mother plus he had his own family. My mother left my Dad, my half-brother and I when I was 6 years old. She said she was going on vacation, but I knew it was more than that. I used to cry whenever I’d hear the song “I’m Leaving On A Jet Plane”. The sone would often play on the radio. I was lucky my mother came back after several months. My Dad managed to contact one of my aunts on my mothers side who knew where she was overseas. My aunt persuaded my mother to come back. My Dad, well, he let her do her own thing. They had led separate lives. She had affairs and it didn’t matter. She and my Dad had separate bedrooms in the houses we lived at. My half-brother was nine years older and was a real bully, did a lot of damage to me mentally. When I was 14 my mother tried to commit suicide. She had locked herself in her bedroom. Doctors said she had enough tranquilizers in her to kill a horse. Years later it was my turn. When I was 20 I had a psychotic break, a sort-of nervous breakdown when my daughter unexpectedly passed-away. I got divorced after and wasted more months in mental hospital lock-up wards and many years in Outpatient Therapy. I was on one medication after another plus side-effect medications. I was diagnosed with acute schizophrenia and was eventually told I’d need to be on medication probably for the rest of my life. The diagnosis changed several times over the years. While hospitalized shortly after my best friend committed suicide it was suggested that I undergo shock treatment therapy or ECT. So I was given a half dozen ECT treatments and lost part of my memory that never came back. For some years doctors thought I had bi-polar disorder. One medication damaged my thyroid. The diagnois was later changed to schizo-effective disorder. After years wasted in Outpatient Therapy bounced from one psychiatric professional to another I truly began to hate psychiatrists wholeheartedly. I finally went against medical advice and slowly managed to wean myself-off the head medications. It wasn’t easy, I had failed at first and had to be hospitalized but eventually I succeeded! I then stopped seeing psychiatrists altogether and quit Outpatient Therapy. This alone boosted my self-esteem quite a bit! Later what helped me get through times of depression and sadness was a Hindu prayer designed to remove sadness and suffering believe it or not. The prayer is called the Moola Mantra. I learned the meaning of the prayer as the words are in Sanskrit. I’m not Hindu, but it didn’t matter. I used to chant this prayer for several years whenever depression or sadness would hit. The deeper the sadness or need, the more the Moola Mantra worked! I chanted the Moola Mantra to a CD I had. The name of the CD is “Deva Premal Sings the Moola Matra”. I still keep a copy of the CD just in case. To help heal from the low esteem I had since childhood I found and used a subliminal CD that worked wonders! The name of the CD is “Self Esteem Affirmations by Louise L. Hay. Read the reviews on Amazon. I had listened to the CD with a pair of headphones in bed once a day or every night for 30 days straight usually just before bedtime. I noticed I was putting hair gel in my hair the very first week of using the CD! I never put hair gel in my hair before! Anyway, the only other way I’ve heard that works to quickly help heal low self-esteem is hypnosis. As for me I’m much happier now. I haven’t been on head medications nor hospitalized in 15 years with no thanks to psychiatrists nor the Psychiatric Community.

  2. By: Mariah Posted: 26th February 2016

    Darlene, I just finished reading a book about Rosemary Kennedy, the daughter that ended up being lobotomized under the auspices of her own father in order to silence her voice. It is scary to think of how little things have changed and how brave you are to help people to know and understand what their rights are. I have had moment s of sheer terror at the thought of being involuntarily commmited, something that once was put into my head by my NM along with the fact that I could somehow become homeless. Now, these messages were conveyed to me during the rare moment that I was making myself vulnerable by sharing my innermost thoughts with her. I was also told that I am dyslexi, which may explain my prior difficulty in primary school and all the way to college, which is another way I feel like a failure, since nothing really came of my degree, even though I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps to get it and nearly killed myself to pay it off. Anyways, I could relate a bit to Rosemary’s vulnerable position in her family. I feel like in retrospect I tried to overcompensate and prove my worth by getting a degree, but lo and behold have yet to have found a way to apply my degree to the real world. I am also looking at the reality of possibly having to go on disability as I have been out of the workforce due to extenuating circumstances. In short, I feel like I am on the losing end of life. I try to hard not to try so hard and I am tired of hurting. I do draw a lot of strength from this new tribe that you are creating. I have put out many comments and would really appreciate a response. Thanks.

  3. By: Amber Posted: 27th June 2014

    DivaB, I think people act nasty when we start standing up for ourselves because they see themselves losing their uncontested position at the top of the pecking order. They thrived by treating us like we weren’t as valuable as them, and we internalized that feeling of lacking value, and it became a self fulfilling prophecy. When we contest that by standing up for ourselves they feel they have to do or say whatever they can to try to put us back on the lower rung. I try to keep asserting myself with people like this. A reasonable person would make the effort to see my point of view. With unreasonable people, there comes a time of decision on whether the relationship is worth keeping. I find I am starting to let the unreasonable ones go.

  4. By: DivaB Posted: 27th June 2014

    One of my main issues is feeling not worth crap, and then becoming a calm voice around my parents, and my own home. On my second marriage. He sure the heck isn’t as abusive as my first, and not physically abusive at all, like my first was. However, I have discovered that I have let him get by too long with getting his way, and me not using my “voice”. It’s the pattern I’ve been in since a kid. Now all of a sudden I’m letting him and my mother know that I’m tired, actually exhausted and don’t want step on any more. It’s hard. Now I’m looked at as a “bitch” or “moody” or asked, “when is your period”……then I start feeling guilty because I’m trying to stand up for me.

  5. By: JusME Posted: 25th May 2014

    Hi. I have very few memories of my childhood. Seems I blocked most of it. I don’t think my childhood was that bad… but why block it at all? This bothers me, yet I’m scared to know WHY I guess. One of my first memories was of my Mother ODing on “migraine” meds. My Father was a VERY distant man. But that’s no worse than others have had it.
    I’m recently divorced (2nd time, same man) and realize I allowed myself to be mentally and emotionally abused. I apologized if it was raining and he had plans. The last 4yrs of marriage I stayed in a bedroom and only came out to cook, wash his clothes and clean. He was a serial cheater and I always found out. No job, no car no self-esteem to strike out on my own then. I live alone now. My parents are deceased and my son lives 2hrs away… my daughter and granddaughter live with my EX. I feel I have no one. I was in his family for 30+ years and I lost them too.
    What I want to try to understand is why am I like this? I have no insurance for a Dr. Any suggestions on what I do to try to be a stronger person. I work. I’m around people. But they, nor me for that matter, know the REAL me. I wear a public mask I’ve mastered from years of hiding.
    I read every ones stories of getting it all together but I can’t seem to get there.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th May 2014

      Hi JusMe
      Welcome to EFB! ~ Please keep reading; there is so much info and insight in these pages about what you are looking for. For me, the key to the present was in the past and I write about how I found all the answers that I have today. I also live in freedom and wholeness which I never thought possible but it was!!
      It takes time so don’t push too hard but you can have what others here have found too!
      hugs, Darlene

  6. By: DarleneOuimet Posted: 25th February 2014

    Hi Amber
    Thanks for coming back! It was your first post that alerted me that something was wrong because you came in as a first time commenter!

    Yay for peeling off more and more layers! I am so sorry that this all happened to you, but at the same time it was the realizing it and validating to myself that those things were WRONG and not my fault that set me free ~ that was the truth that was the path to getting my life back!
    Thank you so much for sharing, I came to the same conclusions about all my fears of ‘asking’ too. 🙂
    hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Amber Posted: 24th February 2014

    Good morning Darlene, I read your post saying that some of the comments from yesterday have disappeared, and I realized that mine was one of hem. So I will try to recreate my comment as best as possible.

    Going back to around age eleven, it was a time when I dreaded asking my mother for things I needed, especially for school. Many times she would get angry when I asked for these things. I felt guilty if what I needed was going yo force her yo have to make a trip to the store ( which was less than a mile away) or cost her money (all these things were very inexpensive and would not have been a hardship). I feared punishment. She had Jo problem letting me know how inconvenienced my needs made her. I also remember her saying no to lots of little things
    That were school related. One was for a weekly children’s newspaper that was very inexpensive. This was embarrassing to me because every other. Child’s parent paid for it and I had to move my desk next to a classmate to share hers since m mother wouldn’t buy it for me. She wouldn’t buy my class pictures either they were too ugly. There were other things she wouldn’t buy. She thought I should roll up several sheets of toilet paper and use that instead of sanitary pads. And pantyhose with huge runs in them were okay for me to wear yo school but of course hers were all new.

    I thought it was fear of punishment that kept me from asking for these needs. Yesterday I pearled off another layer, or maybe more! I dreaded asking for things, not only because of punishment possibilities, but also because I could not trust my mother to use good judgment in meeting my needs. She could not empathize with me. She never considered that some of her denial of things for me lead to embarrassing situations for me, like ripped stockings and not being adequately protected for my monthly flow. I could not trust my mother to say yes to basic needs. If it inconvenienced her or cost a small amount of money she would say no. And what did this say to me? I felt unworthy. I didn’t deserve these basic things yet did provided them for herself and also closets full of new clothes for herself. So I felt that Iwasnt valuable enough to obtain even the basics.

    I now believe that my fear of asking for things was not only a fear of punishment. It was also a fear of being devalued and rejected. Of not being worth enough to be given some very basic things.

  8. By: marquis (female) Posted: 12th February 2014

    Awesome blog! When you spoke about your father and how he turned the conversation around to talk about him all the time, that’s what my mom does. When she was calling my sister, it was like my sister was some sort of counselor to her (my mom doesn’t believe in counseling neither does my dad) and would bitch to her about our dad.

    My sister and her got at it telling mom stop calling me if that’s the case, you were already told this and that, the legalities of the divorce, etc. My mom screamed at her because my sister wouldn’t leave Japan the first time (her hubby is in the Navy) and take 6 mos off (no military allows you to do that) to come help her. My mom yells about how she is so grown and mature plus independent but never wants to get up and do anything.

    These ridiculous conversations always result around mom and my dad never about us, their drama and politics was always more important than us and still is today. When you talked about the doctor threatened to get a court order on your parents, my sister’s high school told her how she needed night school for math and it would cost $60 a month. Sister told me on phone how mom was calling him names telling him my daughter won’t work in your daughter’s kitchen, him (counselor) and sister were dumb struck about who’s kitchen?

    He was telling mom what my sister needed and she wouldn’t do it. It’s not the first time she has been threaten with CPS, I think the school really should have CPS to force them on taking away all of us growing up, but my parents told NY family court and my high school such wonderful stories about being good parents – can you believe how far a lie goes to the point it sounds like the truth?

    I started remembering about my depression. When I was little, I was never depressed always happy. It got worse when we moved to AZ in 96 at age 10 and I was depressed daily talk about being depressed for 18 yrs of your life! I was and still aren’t allowed to have a life, but I am gonna be starting a new job soon. It’s very damaging not allowed to be human with rights, then made into some slave and it’s your parents’ fault for not “being an adult enough to make your own decisions yet we don’t ever want you to be an adult because you are under our control.”

    I still have depression, PTSD symptoms, communication issues, etc yet they don’t get why I have these emotional problems and take no responsibility for it. My therapist said it’s not their fault I said yes it is, who’s the damn parent? Who put the child under this severe stress daily? She had nothing to say to that! If you make your kids’ lives miserable for someone who is a parent herself, then you need to take responsibility for making them miserable! I raised my voice at her yet this woman is a therapist!!

    “If the damage, (including the emotional damage) is excused and ignored… there is further damage. I am saying “so what” if my parents were “sick”. They did a lot of damage with their “sickness” and instead of looking at them and making excuses for them, it was time to look at the damage ~ to call it like it is ~ and heal from it. EVEN if it makes them angry; even if it hurts them; even if they rejected me and even though they deny it, lie about it and don’t agree with me or validate my truth. They started covering their butts when I was a baby, why would now be any different? It finally had to be about me or I would have ended up just like them; dysfunctional, sick, chronically depressed and unhappy.”

    I agree yet I hear MHPs talk about if it is not fixed, it is ignored yet you don’t seem to help the damn clients that much! My parents covered up everything since we were all born and I tell people why would now be different because we’re grown? Change doesn’t happen over night and they have no intentions of changing either! They did absolutely nothing when kids had a problem with me, mom just talked to them over the phone never came face to face with them to have an adult discussion about it.

    They still make up stories about me and sister and anybody else they wanna tell yet things are suppose to change since we are all adults? Really?!?

    “The truth is that my parents rejected me when they didn’t take care of me in the first place. They rejected me when they refused to hear me and silenced my voice and instead protected the people hurting me. They rejected me when they called me “dramatic, and a story teller”. They rejected me when the way the rest of the world saw them, was more important than I was. They were still rejecting me in the exact same ways. That is what I had to face. That was the damage.”

    Nobody understands why we never had a voice growing up yet we had “such wonderful parents” according to people out there. My sister refused yet she is not even their daughter never was growing up from what she told me. She don’t exist to my parents, well, we never existed as kids since my dad always told single women he has no children. He told my mom all the time how this marriage is a fraud and my mom said then you’re saying your children are a fraud too, he never denied it! Why is she always shocked? Mom said that’s mean of him to do that, he’s been doing that since we were kids so it’s not shocking to us!

    “I had to start by facing the damage. The truth is that both my parents were broken. I had to finally say “SO WHAT?” Whatever happened to them did not excuse or make up for what happened to me and knowing about how hard “they had it”, didn’t help me to heal. There was no solution in realizing that my parents were abused and devalued too. There was no solution in knowing that my mother suffered from chronic depression. It didn’t cancel the way that I was treated.”

    Agreed. It’s been established they have such serious and severe issues and I have been saying what you said for a very long time, it doesn’t excuse the fact for what they did to us and they had plenty of time in their youth to fix it; but chose not too. This is where I cut my therapist off telling her ‘I don’t need to understand them, are they here right now in these sessions? No, didn’t think so! Why do you keep telling clients they need to “understand their abusers?” Why do you always feel sorry for them (abusers) anyway?”‘ She didn’t like that but oh well!

    People have told me how my mom is severely depressed, I said really? She tells people out there how her life is so wonderful and happy that she “divorced my dad years ago (not true they are still married),” how she raised such good kids (again, another lie barely there physically and emotionally always screaming at us), etc. She said I never been depressed (another lie, her sister died before I was born and claims she wasn’t depressed about that or the fact that my grandma and my dad were riding her back), tells all of these tall tales to people.

    My parents never wanted to go to family counseling saying ‘(mom saying this) that white people were in it to do us in and tell us what to do. We can figure out our own problems (really?!? I don’t see you making any effort!) we don’t need people like them to tell us what to do we are such a loving family.’ On top of that, she was yelling at me and criticizing me about the high school counselor suggesting we need therapy and she cursed him out too. He did admit to me that they seriously need help and left it at that lol. I’ve had people suggest to me to tell my parents to go to therapy never again will I say that to them knowing you got 2 narcs who know everything, so why would they go to therapy?

    “I had to stop running from the truth. I stopped accepting that depression was a “gene” that I was born with and instead, face the roots of my distress. In order to heal, I had to find out how I got broken. What happened to my self esteem in the first place? How did my self esteem get so low? What happened to me? That was where the keys to emotional healing were hidden and those were the keys that led to freedom from depression, low self esteem, dissociative identity disorder, and many other issues that I had. Depressions, dissociative identity, illnesses and addictions all manifested in my life as a result of not being protected, emotional neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse and spiritual abuse. The roots of all of these were grounded in being unloved in the true definition of love. Finding and facing the damage led me to learning the truth about my value. Self love and self esteem finally became possible when I faced where the broken began.”

    Agreed. I am doing more soul searching since I took some classes at the women’s center. Gotta get going….

  9. By: Ana Posted: 23rd July 2013

    Amazing post!!!!! you´re helping me understand so many things about myself and my story, things I´ve been trying to unveil all by myself for so long…
    Unvaluable 🙂 Thank you so much

  10. By: C Posted: 16th April 2013

    I do not remember what happened before I started having the nightmares every night for 5 years- (around 2nd grade?) I remember the frightening dream though- the images and the voice of my nightmare and how I felt- frozen in my bed in fear. I remember I had to sing Mary had a little lamb over and over until I fell asleep.

    cindee

  11. By: C Posted: 16th April 2013

    I am doing nothing but reading and ingesting and feel like it/s hard to breath. May be the COPD but also feeling so alone in this fog. difficult to function- very shakey.
    cindee

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th April 2013

      Hi C.
      It can be very overwhelming esp. in the beginning. And I too found that healing can be really lonely. Keep hanging in there and be very gentle with yourself.
      Hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Doren Beard Posted: 27th October 2012

    Another great article…for the last few years I’ve tried to understand why my parents acted as they did by looking at their own childhoods, which, from what little I know were pretty miserable. While I’m glad I have that information it doesn’t touch on the damage done me….in fact, once again the focus is on THEIR burden their suffering, just like when I was a kid. What about victims of other crime? Someone murders one’s family member, the survivors are supposed to minimize the damage done because the killer’s mother abused him? No we don’t expect that at all, but somehow it’s different with parents, especially mothers.

    The bottom line worst effect of my childhood is the poor self-esteem I’ve carried since 6 or so. I remember at 18 talking to the school director at my alternative school, asking him, “Do you think I’m human?” That was how low it was…I knew of course I was human, at least in form, but I felt sub-human. They tore me down without a thought for years, like it was the normal thing to do. They could have told themselves, “What happened to me was so painful, I’ll make sure my own kids don’t suffer that”, but they didn’t—they decided to take their pain out on kids under their control. I can’t excuse that. I don’t care any more that they grew up in a different time either, cause there were good parents back then too, always have been.

    I am very sorry for what happened to them, but it wasn’t my fault and I did not deserve to pay for it. And they didn’t treat everyone like that, they were more respectful or polite to strangers or to their own siblings, the rare times they visited. They made a choice to belittle their children and use that power they had which they didn’t have over others.

    There is a strong message from my sister and her husband to let go of the past, but I can’t. I know a part of me says, “If I let go of childhood it will be gone and nobody will acknowledge it at all.”
    There is an expectation that I keep contact with Mom and I’ve not challenged that in action, because I’ve absorbed so much ‘obligation to the only mother you have’ stuff. My brother in law used to call me asking me almost pleading for me to call Mom, I thought that wasn’t his call, but I was too scared to say so.

    I don’t call Mom now at the retirement home, I haven’t sent the second card I bought that I was going to send her, this woman hurt me so much and there is no frickin acknowledgement of it, and I am tired of doing what I’m supposed to do.

    It’s just really sick, I have to see the family dynamics for what it is, it’s sick. Who else who would have abused you for years are you expected to send cards too? What is this special dispensation motherhood is supposed to give? So now she’s got dementia and is childlike, that doesn’t wipe away the damage done.

    Now as I begin to buck this system by pulling away more from family and its expectations, I face probably what I’ve feared feeling, from within and without—that I am selfish, ‘unappreciative’ and won’t grow up. I find all of this very ironic, because I’m feeling pressure to grow up stop bitching about the past and put myself behind others, which is NOT growing up but continuing the past they love to think is behind them.

    That is what I was taught, I was lousy and my (contrary) feelings should never be acknowledged. All the programming in my head is lies, but now at least I can see it for lies. I feel a deep responsibility to myself now to face the discomfort and disapproval and continue advocating for myself, first.

    {{{{HUgs}}}}

  13. By: emanuela ricci Posted: 26th October 2012

    darlene, i cant express my own feelings by using a proper english at this late hour. its 2.31 am in italy, :S, but i can tell u this at the moment being: thanx for telling yr life experience cz ur helping me understanding a great many issues. im grateful to u. goodnight.emanuela ricci

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 27th October 2012

      Hi Emanuela!
      Great to hear from you! there are lots of people in this site that are not english speaking as a first language! No worries, you are not alone in that. I am just happy that you are willing to share!
      Hugs, Darlene

  14. By: Cheeky sprite Posted: 9th August 2012

    Yes yes yes yes and a resounding yes!!! Oh I needed that read! Thank you : ) although I can say “so what!” no excuses. But then I have the guilt of how I have raised my kids. I have been/am a broken parent. What damage have I done??

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 9th August 2012

      Cheeky
      I had to see the damage that was caused to me and begin the healing process first, and as I did that, the damage I caused became more clear and I started to make amends for it. The process sort of worked side by side for that part. I had to stop focusing on what a “bad person” I was in order to get out of the pit in the first place by finding out where the whole thing had its roots!
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: Shawn Posted: 29th July 2012

    Thank you for your courage of overcoming your obstacles and for sharing your story with the world. You are an inspiration to anyone who is seeking to free themselves from the emotional damage of their past, and to open themselves up to an emotionally connected life. You clearly explain how you had to shift your perpective in order to do this, and I think that is the most difficult thing that many people just don’t seem to be able to overcome. But with stories of success like yours, people can come to see that they can overcome and don’t have to sit and wallow with their despair and have to just make so with survival for the rest of their days. A good life is possible for anyone, regardless of their past and you are helping to show them the way and for many people to learn how to become assertive and a self advocate and to get out from under their victim cloak which they have been wearing their whole life.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 30th July 2012

      Hi Shawn,
      Welcome to emerging from broken
      The shift came for me when I finally realized that what happened to me was wrong and that the people who encouraged me to forget about it and invalitate it (including the perps) were wrong too. Yes, it certainly was a shift in my perspective! Thank you for your comments!
      Hugs, Darlene

  16. By: Roshani Posted: 30th June 2012

    Beloved Darlene !!! Yes ….for me too when i was a harmed Child , I begin to feel just now , that my BIGGEST FEAR was that my PARENTS would REJECT ME if i would have spoken to them the TRUTH , and that it was meaning for me , to tell to them what it was happening to me with my COUSIN, in order to relise a little THIS BIG WEGHT ON MY HEART!!! THIS was my CONSTANT INNER CONFLICT inside me: ” I SPEAK AND I RISK NOT TO BE LOVED NOMORE or it is BETTER to TAKE ALL FOR MYSELF, aND I PLAY LIke nothing it is happening to me , in order to have a little LOVE ???”.But when i was around 12 years old i think, i could not manage to take all this in myself , with speaking with no one , because in that time i gotnmy period for the first time , so arrived another BIG FEAR : ” MY BE NOW I CAN ALSO HAVE A BABY !!! ” …..and this was really too much for me!!!! So the DESPERATE INNER SITUATION , has given to me the COURAGE to SPEAK ALL ….regardless ….And taking all the consequences and risk of this act!!!!And it has been like this ….all the family on the side of my mother , they immediatly DISCRIMINATED ME…..and since that moment they have cut every contact with me and my PARENTS!!!SO i was terrified that now also my mother would have done the same …that means that now also she DOES NOT LOVE ME anymore …..and exactly how you write, REJECTION FOR A CHILD MEANS ” DEATH” !!!! So now i know why i have done what i have done towardsmy mother!!!! I was so in fear that this coud happen to me …..that I was thinking that i STAR FIRST NOT TO LOVE HER …..BELEIVING THAT I WOUD HAVE SUFFERD LESS , WHEN SHE WILL DO!!!But now i now that i have not sufferd less ….was just an ILLUSION. , giving me a possibility to SURVIVE !!! I started to DEPRIVE MYSELF ofvall my FEELINGSVOF LOVE THST I STILL HAD FOR HER …..and at the end i managed really not to have no morevany feeling for her …..so now i also have an explanation why i was not really SUFFERED qhen she DIED suddenly at the age of 49 years old!!!!Now all the picture it is a little more CLEAR about what HAPPENED TO ME and HOW I HAVE BEEN BROKEN ……however i BELIEVE AT YOU when you say that on the other side of BROKEN there is FREEDOM …..but I am not yet THERE …. but i know that there is HOPE for me to arrive there…..and i want to arrive there too!!!!Without that I continue to PROJECT all this pain ON INNOCENTS!!!I really wish with all my heart to STOP qll this!!!!THANKS FOR SHAREING YOUR EXPERIENCE …..it IS SO PRECIOUS FOR ALL OF US …..in order that we DO NOT GIVE UP !!! LOVE AND LIGHT!! Roshani

  17. By: Shary Posted: 21st May 2012

    My head feels like its going to explode. I’ve been reading your post since I first found them on facebook, thanks to an old high school friend. I think I can do this, and I try, I got a rock wrote things and names on it, and even drew a door, behind that door is the lies, the hurt, the rape, the beatings, and emotional abuse. Tied with a black ribbon on the rock is the key to that door. I threw that rock as far as I could into a lake close to my home, my husband went with me and even said a prayer for healing. I felt great, like I could move on and begin “building me.” That lasted maybe a week, then the old guilt about being a ungrateful, miserable, stupid, problem child came back with a vengence. I don’t know how to sort these things out in my head, I’m seeing a counselor, I have “cut off” my parents to prevent anymore abuse and drama. Although now my mother has started with my adult daughter who is astranged from our family for doing illegal activity. She is trying to get to me through her, and sometimes it works because I want to protect her but know I can’t when she chooses to listen to my mother because she(mother) excuses my daughters illegal and immoral activity. i have not spoken to either of my parents now in about 7 or 8 weeks and I can honestly say I don’t miss them. I am relieved, but I want to stop feeling like the victim, and that there is something wrong with me. Where do I start digging, and I’ve already remembered things I’d rather have left buried. But I know in order to heal and grow I have to confront these things, these memories, these lies and remove myself emotionally and physically from people who continue to hurt me, I’m confused as to how to get there.
    Thanks for letting me ramble!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st May 2012

      Hi Shary
      Welcome to emerging from broken. Thank you for sharing your rock story and some of your life story. For me it was only the beginning to know what the trauma was and to discover the lies at the roots. The huge part of the process is to re wire those lies back to the truth but looking in deeper detail at HOW they got in there and took root. It is almost like looking for the “Proof” of why I accepted it before I understood how wrong it was. It takes time but it sounds like you are on the path to healing!
      Hugs,Darlene
      p.s. I am going on vacation for 12 days starting now so if I don’t answer comments for a bit please understand. The blog will still be open but I am not going to do much more than check it and approve comments that are held in moderation.

  18. By: Karenina Posted: 16th May 2012

    One more little thing. Mama liked this story so well- it always got laughs,-that she decided to make it about her golden boy after a while.So she started making him the “star” of her favorite story about the nail in the butt. I guess the story was so good, it was too good to waste on me.
    I didn’t care much, I was glad not to be humiliated anymore. But my memory is very clear. Gas lighting? Well it wasn’t the only time, maybe not even the first, but certainly not the last. Always over really unimportant stuff.

    Well not that the abuse was not important, but I mean that it didn’t really confer any real advantages to her favorite two kids, golden boy and looks-just-like-mama sister, except maybe the limelight? Funny thing, after many tellings, the siblings would swear it was never changed at all…

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