The Problem with Statements like “Get Over It”

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psychological abuseI saw a little saying on Twitter the other day that read ~ “God likes you. A lot. Deal with it” It was a twitter account that was promoting the book, “The Shack” and although I loved the book, the saying itself really bugged me. And not because I am not a fan of God; I am. But it was the “Deal with it” part that bugged me.  I felt like saying “NO” I don’t have to “deal with it”.  I felt “told” and I felt as though I had “no choice”.  Even though this is meant to be a positive statement, that God likes me a lot, I found it to be irritating.

I have the same aversion to being told things like “get over it” I find instructions and directives like that demeaning, as though these people are inferring that I am incompetent, and that I have made the wrong choice where my own feelings are concerned. Those statements often come in larger sentences such as “Oh for goodness sake, get over it already” and there is always an impatient voice infliction attached to them. Tone of voice is used to “remind me” that I must be too stupid to understand “HOW to deal with it” thereby putting the focus back on me, reminding me that I am  incompetent, in order to make me stop talking about whatever it was that I was trying to deal with in the first place.

Let’s define the word “IT”. “IT” in this case and according to my experience was psychological abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. Get over emotional abuse. Get over sexual abuse. Get over physical abuse.  Get over being told in actions and sometimes in words, that you were not lovable, not valued, not valid as a human being but rather defined as an object with no feelings, by just forgetting about it. Get over being told (and believing) that no one could love you, not even God, that you were just a big disappointment.

Being told to “get over it” (abuse) is exactly what I was told when I was a kid. It triggers those same feelings of being WRONG, being powerless and being helpless. I had no choice when I was a kid and I grew up well into my adult years not ever realizing that I did in fact have a choice.  And as a child, I bought that lie, that I was the one who was wrong.

It reminds me of when I was told that if I didn’t stop crying that I would be given something to cry about.  And I tried to accept the lie that I was crying for no reason. Again I had no choice about crying; if I kept crying I would get “something to cry about”.  And I learned not to cry. But worse than that my feelings were wrong and so I learned not to FEEL.

Then my life became a quest to avoid feeling at all and the pain started to get backed up… like a huge stinking rotting pile in the back yard that I just ignored as I continued to get sicker and sicker from avoiding it and from believing that the reason that I was struggling with depression and the past was because I couldn’t “get over it” or “deal with it”.  Round and round it goes.

Being told to “just get over it” is devaluing. It implies that I am making a mistake in processing an event. It indicates that something is wrong with ME because I am in still confused about something that has not been resolved.  The statement is emotionally abusive.  And even when it is used in a positive context, as in the example in the first paragraph, there is a negative left over from all the abuse that was forced on me in the past.

WHY is it wrong to need to have something understood or resolved in the first place?

Furthermore, people who say stuff like this don’t have any solutions; they don’t ever offer suggestions on HOW to get over it or deal with it, because they don’t know how either.  They only offer devaluing and thoughtless instructions that remind me of my childhood and how I was never right, never good enough and never entitled to my feelings or to my pain. I was not entitled to realize that I had been wronged. I was always the one who was wrong no matter what the situation was.

And once again this all began in childhood. Being conditioned this way as a child prepared me to accept that something was wrong with me, so statements like this trigger the same feelings of “not good enough” and “what is wrong with me, why can’t I just get it right?” Add that to “powerless and helpless child” and the teachings, feelings as well as the reactions have carried on into adulthood.

Until I learned that I do have rights, that I am as equally valuable as everyone else and that I AM ALLOWED to and NEED TO feel the pain of the past and get angry about it SO THAT I COULD “get over it” (which was how I did get over it) but until I embraced those truths, I was stuck in the sick dysfunctional system.

Please feel free to share your reactions.

Busting through the fog with another snap shot of truth;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

164 response to "The Problem with Statements like “Get Over It”"

  1. By: William Posted: 15th May 2014

    This article hit so many valid points for me. I can so very much relate to being told that my feelings and pain were/are invalid and that I’m “an adult and need to get over it”.
    How the hell can I ever get over something if it’s never allowed to be discussed?
    I hate my life. I have no family to rely on, since they never allow me to speak of anything that they may be guilty of and, as a result of the put-downs and attitude in my house growing up, I’ve never developed any solid friends.
    I am alone.

    • By: Tara Posted: 24th June 2016

      My mother and one of my sisters (who was not abused) will often make comments in my presence like this (while gossiping about another person they deem not able to get over things that happened in childhood) to cover up the fact that they’re really warning me not to say anything.

      “People who are adults should stop blaming others for their failures in life. Get over it already, you are responsible for what your life turned into as an adult!”

      “It’s pathetic when someone who is 50 years old still whines about things that happened in childhood. Grow up already!”

      “No parent is perfect! I did the best I can! Blaming me for how your life turned out decades later is unfair! You were free to do anything with your life you wanted to as an adult!”

      Of course, they make me feel ashamed that here I am, a person over the age of 50, who is still “complaining” about their childhood.

      I really never got to address anything anyway because they always head me off at the pass with comments like this so I feel too inferior to say anything and I have mostly given up even trying.”

      The few times I have attempted to address issues with my parents and brothers and sisters, the results were:

      Father: I don’t remember any of that. No apology because he “doesn’t remember.”

      Siblings: So what? We had nicknames we didn’t like either! We don’t dwell on it as adults! You shouldn’t either! There’s something wrong with you!

      Mother:

      1. Will NEVER admit anything. Ever. Has never apologized ever, except insincerely when trapped in the company of other people outside the nuclear family who know the truth.

      2. Turns the subject to bad things that have happened to her in a one-upmanship manner. Ignores what I said and quickly goes into a long litany of her problems, implying that I didn’t have it so bad.

      3. Becomes enraged and has a vicious tantrum claiming it’s not her fault I have problems now and I need to get over it and grow up already.

      *****

      Does anyone have any good answers or counter-statements? Quick ones would be best because they shout me down fast.

      All I do is take their crap because they make me ashamed that I am over 50 years old and still won’t get over it.

      I don’t know what to say and it makes me feel even more powerless, just like back when I was a child who was a group scapegoat.

  2. By: Aurele Posted: 15th July 2012

    Ok, thank you again for your answer.
    Hugs too.

  3. By: Aurele Posted: 15th July 2012

    Thank you so much Darlene for your answer.
    He also reproached to me that I didn’t trust him.

    Can I ask you if you could you tell me what other red flags do you see ?

    Thank you a lot.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th July 2012

      Hi Aurele
      It is so much better if you find them by reading about what others have discovered so that you see them for yourself. That is a huge part of the process. Keep reading the articles and the discussions. The “fog” takes some time to lift, and that is half the process of recovery.
      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Aurele Posted: 15th July 2012

    I have made a lapsus in the begining of the 4th paragraph :
    I would like to say HE recognized he overeacted and not I recognized he overeacted.

  5. By: Aurele Posted: 15th July 2012

    Hello everyone,

    That’s so much interesting to read you all.
    I am in a difficult situation and I have any closer friends to talk about it.
    I spend my post in the section spiritual abuse but maybe it’s more approppriate here.

    I met a spiritually high guy with who I laugh, do crazy things and that’s contribute to free me. He also admires me and say I have a great potential and that I am strong, clever.
    But some of his behaviour makes me doubt.

    We had a relationship a month ago, but I had to litterally threw him out of my house because I felt in danger because he totally lost his control one day and broke things in my home in front of my eyes.
    And one another day he took a kinfe and cut his arm with it because I refused to listen to him.

    I decided to give him an another chance because he seemed to have changed. I recognized that he overeacted a lot.
    He knows my story about my abusive father and he listens to me.
    He believes in reincanations, in prior lives, and explain problematics situations with people by the fact that these situations have already occured in prior lives. Which for me seems totally crazy but why not, it’s his beliefs after all and it’s his buisness.
    He once said that we choose to born in our family. Yesterday, I said to him that I don’t believe that and that’s makes me angry because that put the blame on the childs.
    He answered me that I was born to endure all this to become later a powerful spiritual person able to do reiki, to heal people with energy, to eat prana and no more food.
    But his sentence “we choose parents” was painful for me and he didn’t understand and he spoke out on me and I was alfraid that he loose again his control like one month ago, so I didn’t answered.
    I feel a huge anger not being heard by him on this issue that matters a lot for me.
    I felt guilty to be on my nerves and I told him. He said to me very angry : “fuck the guilty” !
    And I was so afraid of him again.
    He told to give him in my arms and he came in my bed.
    I told to him to leave because I didn’t feel secure and aganin I felt terror. And he answered me : “we don’t care about your wishes, your needs only matters” !
    Finally he was ok to leave.

    This night I made the nightmare which is the same since 12 years, I am again in my house and my dad is here and I don’t how to escape.
    That’s the feeling I have with him.
    We again talked on the phone and it was horrible and we were angry at each other and couldn’t speak cool.
    He didn’t accept my reaction and said that I have hate towards him due to my father.
    He says that other people don’t answer when he gives them advice. And says “when someone give a piece of advice, you have to listen”.
    (not like me who doesn’t accept his advices”.
    He pretends to know what is good for me because he is spiritually high and a god’s child and to know “general truths” about the meaning of life that I didn’t know.
    He also said to me that my father isn’t all evil and that he bought me some good things. (really ? If it’s true, why have I run away from my house ?)
    I also told me it’s because I totally think bad things about my father, and ex-boyfriend who was abusive, I couldn’t see anything positive in him.
    I think this idea reveals that I’m the problem.
    I think he is not right. It’s because I was traumatized and abandonned that I have difficulties.

    He often say to me that he will move to an other town because he was sick of us too. And that breaks my heart.

    Is it me who overeacts a lot with him like he said because of my childhood or my anger was justified ?

    I am so lost and I don’t know if I can trust him or not.
    He said he wants to liberate myself and sometimes I believe him.

    Thank you for reading. I would be very happy to know what is your thinking about this.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th July 2012

      Hi Aurele
      It was hard for me to learn to stick to the facts when deciding if it was me or the other person who was the problem. I had to look at the truth I knew and the details that I also knew were “off”. He cuts himself? (huge red flag) He loses control and breaks things? (huge red flag) He says that he is “spiritually high” and therefore knows the meaning of life which “you don’t know”. (that is a huge red flag) I picked out many other red flags in what you have posted here about him. He is telling you that you are bitter about the past and judging him because of it, but you say he has said and done these actual things that are very dangerous and manipulative.
      There are some articles here about trust that might interest you. It seems to me that this guy has given you lots of information by his actions.
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Cass Posted: 6th January 2012

    Oh my God. I totally know how this feels and I really feel helpless when someone says this to me. Like, “get over it” is something easy to accomplish. I really thank you for posting this.
    Basically, my sister used to mentally and sometimes physically abuse me when I was younger. I used to fear going home because of this and I’d have to hide behind a locked door or else she’d come at me. Whenever she’d throw fits like this (usually over stuff I wouldn’t let her have), she’d call my mother/grandmother and accuse me of being at fault and that I was the wrong one. My mother always took my sister’s side so when I’d talk about stuff like this in private with her, she’d go “it’s the past, get over it.” But the thing is, it wasn’t just in the past. She’d do this right up until I hit my 20s. They never believed me when I told them that she came at my door and started banging at it with a hammer, they never believed me when she took pictures of me in the shower, they never believed me when she’d slap, hit, or threaten me, etc.
    Now that my sister is in jail, my father (who is all about family) forces me to reconnect with her. It’s something I DO NOT want to do and I’ve explained this to him with hysterical crying. But he doesn’t get it either. He goes, “There are worse situations than that, get over it. She’s your sister.” Thing is, I know people go through worse but he can’t tell me that what I went through isn’t bad because he was never in my shoes. My God, it’s like I’ll never get away from this or her. :/ I feel so helpless.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 6th January 2012

      Hi Cass
      Welcome to emerging from broken.
      I felt helpless over so much of this kind of thing too. But I realized through looking more closely that I did have a choice. Once I became a certain age, I didn’t have to do things the way my parents said that they had to be done, I just didn’t know it yet. Recovery for me has been about taking my choice back. Then the helpless feeling went away.
      I have written a ton of stuff about this in this site.
      Hope you share again,
      Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Zincky Posted: 8th December 2011

    Thanks so much for this blog! YOU ROCK!!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th December 2011

      Hi Zincky,
      I am glad you like it! thanks for your comment!
      Darlene

  8. By: Robin Frisella Posted: 4th September 2011

    I thank you so much for responding. I may be pushing 50 but I’m definitely still in recovery. I actually found this page when I typed: Do people ever get over sexual abuse?” in the Google box. I’m in the process now of trying to be ‘heard’ by parents who looked the other way while the abuse was going on–in order to maintain their own status quo and remain in their comfort zone of pretending everything was okay. I imagine a number of you have been made to feel invisible when you were not ‘worth’ being rescued from one horror or another. My love and empathy is with you.
    I just hit ‘send’ on an email telling my dad, very gently, on how PTSD has factored into my life for the last 30 years. Even as gently as I put things, I actually was shaking as I clicked the button and sent the note on it’s way. I’m glad I found you all. Thank you Darlene for your blog–it has proven to give me some strength today!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 4th September 2011

      Hi Robin,
      There is a lot of writing about this kind of thing in this site and lots of sharing from others who have survived every kind of abuse. The truth is what set me free, so I write little snap shots of HOW I found the truth. Finding the lies first seemed to be the way it worked for me so a lot of my blog posts come from that angle. I am glad you are here, and hope you share often.
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 4th September 2011

    Hey Robin

    No, you’re not wrong. Coming out of the “hidden secret category” was absolutely vital for me. There are many people who will want you to stay there for many reasons, but there is no real healing there. It is so validating to be heard.

  10. By: Robin Frisella Posted: 4th September 2011

    The ones who tell me to “get over it” are the people who are not true friends. I maybe mention my abuse issues once a year to someone who recently said, “get over it, do you need to go into therapy again?” I always thought being able to articulate the pain, and getting it out of the ‘hidden secret’ category, was part of the healing process. Am I wrong?

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 4th September 2011

      Hi Robin,
      Welcome; You are not wrong! Until I validated myself I remained invalidated. I had to come out of the “hidden secret category” too and it is a huge part of the healing process!
      Thanks for your comment!
      hugs, Darlene

  11. By: joy Posted: 27th May 2011

    Darlene,

    They are of the faith I use to be in .. and I know they tell you the devil is responsible. as they told me that too.. in my younger days..I did try to tell them the devil can not be blamed for every crime but they got mad. They use to take me to breakfast on sundays.. and were going to give me a small room in their trailer to assist them. After I said I could not accept that type of thinking they never more took me to breakfast and withdrew the room they offered me for help gardening etc.. its ok. as I think it would have been to much for me to be in someone elses space in a little room would be a little triggering.. .

    I love your reference to the fogstorm.

    Hugs, joy

  12. By: joy Posted: 27th May 2011

    Dear Darlene. …yes my friends humiliated me one day when they posted a long lecture on my facebook wall that spelled out what happened to me and told me that if I was going to find peace with God I must see that it was the devil not my mother who did the mean things. .I was so upset. as I think the devil gets too much credit and that means that if the devil did it i should unblock my phone and let all the bad stuff come through as its not really my mom but the devil using my mom. I find that type of religious sermonizing way too much for me.. thank you for your support, Darlene: joy

    @Renee .Dear Renee..thank you for your kind words and your explanations that make sense..I know now I am not a mistake and there is a reason for all that has happened..I don’t even have to try to understand it as my mind is too full of stuff anyway but i just try each day to be loving and kind and also try to learn to see me as someone that didnt deserve any of the stuff happened. Ihave a lot to catch up on ..but I know I am heading the right direction..thank you Reee..for your kind words: joy

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 27th May 2011

      Joy,
      I would have loved to be part of that conversation! That is CRAZY! I wonder what kind of abuse and brainwashing is in your friends life for her to try and believe that? So you got abused, and then you got REPRIMANDED for it by your “friend” ! HAAAAAa so typical. That is not love. Taking abuse and calling it the work of the devil is not love nor is it true nor is that what GOD wants! This is a typical example of the fog storm that I am always talking about!
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Renee Posted: 27th May 2011

    Darlene,
    I wokeup at 4:00 yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwn…lol After my brother and I had our heart to heart memories flooded my brain. I also found out that the thing that used me (with my mothers blessings) that when he was 2yrs old my dad back handed him so hard the was knocked out for a few hours. He did it because he “back talked” my mom. I told my brother that I never beleived that sick B—–d was never born that way but was created by my parents. My memory this morning was when the youngest brother was 4-5 my mother sent him to get my dad out of the bar. She made him walk the 7-9 blocks to that bar at night. Then he had to wait till someone came a long to open the door because he was to weak to open the bar door. Then my dad took off him belt and whippede him all the way home. Once he got in the house picked up that hurt little boy and threw him as hard as he could against the wall, where he fell on the heater vent I remember flesh burning and his devestating gut wrenching cries. I always thought my mom was a victim but something my brother said, he said my dad was nice and then he had his dark side which was very mean. I think that is why those two were so attracked to one another they had the same sick personality.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 27th May 2011

      Hi Joy,
      Well isn’t that a convenient excuse? The devil made her do it, so just forgiver her and get over it??? This is one of the craziest brainwashing b.s. things! That IF you love God ~ as though if you don’t let it go you DON”T LOVE GOD… says who???? good grief! And the thing is that what they did, what they want “forgotten” is illegal and the church is NOT above the law. The bible is clear about that.
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Renee
      Oh my gosh, this is a horrible thing that happened. Thank you for sharing.
      Hugs, Darlene

  14. By: Renee Posted: 27th May 2011

    Joy,
    The other day I was reading James 1:13-14 this helped me understand that the “nuts” that say “get over it” missed that scripture. 1. It is your mothers “sin” not yours the only thing you can do is understand you are an innocent victim NOT the one responcible. 2. Your mother made a choice, God gave us a choice RIGHT OR WRONG it is our choice to make. You to have that choice the same choice your mom had when she was abusing you PERIOD. Everyone uses the devil as an excuse but for me he is the second villian, your mother has to hand over the choice God gave her. I had all that crap heaped on my head for years and frankly I lump all those self righteous bimbos along with the devil they were actually doing the devils work than Gods. This is my opinion and which is surprising to me I think im just now starting to realize the real truth!
    YOU are not a mistake, if you were you wouldn’t have been born. You were made perfect it it was the twisted lies that damaged you, and not your doing. You Joy are strong, gracious, and loving, that is your original blueprint, it is your choice now and you can find all that in you and more, youv’e already started YOUR HERE with us.

  15. By: joy Posted: 26th May 2011

    “get over it” this is what i have a hard time with too. Ex-friends ask me if I have gone this long without therapy why now.. they tried to tell me that my mom beat me .. helped my bro. s/a me and nearly killed me 3 times is not my mom’s fault but the devil.. The devil is responsible for all that stuff of that past.. Therefore if I love God I should let the past go. and keep going as I was .. only thing ..my trying to live by the rule “get over it” landed me into another abusive situation. My ex-boss took over my life. and locked me under his control verbally mentally torturing me threatening me with death.. and other things. I didn’t really get over the childhood traumas. i never developed tools to make me ready for the world or mean people and so I found myself a victim again. and unable to escape ..it took someone else to get me out fo the second trauma.. ..Get over it would be nice but how can one get over it if one has never been able to look at it for what it is. ?? I never was given permission to cry if i did i got it harder. .. i was the worst mistake my mom ever made. forever and ever told .maybe i was her mistake but am not a mistake.. joy

  16. By: Renee Posted: 26th May 2011

    Lynda,
    You haven’t spoken in a while I was going to mention it yesturday and forgot. Are you ok? I haven’t read anything from you so I wanted to check in with you. I know it is your choice to speak I miss your comments.

  17. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th May 2011

    Hello Katty
    Welcome to EFB!
    I think I learned to love myself by realizing how badly I had actually been treated. It was learning to really validate my feelings, that I was able to sort this stuff out and look at the truth. And then one day I began to love myself. And I kept going forward.
    Glad you are here,
    Hugs,Darlene

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