I had this fantasy that one day I would “show them”. One day I would prove that I was worth something and that they (everyone) had been wrong about me all along. I had always been disregarded as though I could not possibly contribute to a solution or have a valid opinion. I was “dismissed” as though I wasn’t worth the time it would take to consider anything that I had to say. I had always been regarded as invalid in so many ways, which made me feel as though they thought I was “stupid” and I constantly struggled to prove my worth. So I dreamed that I would become known for how smart that I am. I would make some sort of amazing discovery. And the world would embrace me!
And they (the ones that had defined me as invalid; the ones who disregarded me) would be stunned that they had not noticed me before and they would be filled with regret that they had always treated me with such disregard, and they would want to have a relationship with me and be willing to listen to me; and then…… I would reject them. In my fantasy, I would say “You are too late. You didn’t love me before the world loved me, so don’t come pretending that you are interested in me now; pretending that you actually do love me and want to “see me and hear me” when you never did before. I am the same person that I always was and you didn’t love me then”.
It never dawned on me though, that I was only willing to stand up to them when I became loved and accepted by others! I was going to prove myself elsewhere and THEN I would show them. I never fantasized about saying to them “you know what; you treat me like dirt and I am done with you and your crap” ~ I wasn’t willing to walk away unless I had somewhere to walk to. I dreamed that others would recognize my value, and through them I would know that everyone else was wrong about me. I would accomplish some fantastic brilliant thing and then I could “walk” to somewhere where I knew that I was loved and accepted. That was the fantasy.
This idea came from the false belief that I NEEDED someone to validate me. That I NEEDED someone to tell me that I am smart, that I am worthy, that my opinion counts. That is the lie that I believed for most of my life. This is the same lie that I write about so often in this blog because I so badly want others to realize that this lie in their own belief systems ~ IS A LIE. And the TRUTH will set you free; it set me free.
I believe the only way out of that lie, is to expose it (to ourselves) for the lie that it is. When I began to expose what the lies actually were, I began to realize that I believed that I was not worthy or valuable. It was through realizing that those lies came from somewhere, that I was not born that way that I began to change the way that I regarded myself. When I realized that I AM worthy, without anyone telling me that I am, that was when I began to find the freedom and wholeness that I had been so frantically searching for and for such a long time.
And the thing is that I would not have believed “the world” if the world had told me that I was in fact valuable. The damage could not be set straight by others telling me that I was in fact lovable. NO ONE can define my value that way because I had been raised not to know it. Because my value had been wrongly defined all along, I had to re-define it. I would never have been able to believe anyone else who defined it. I had to know it within myself. I had to recognize that my value and worth, does not come from others and the only way that I was able to discover that, was by realizing how I had come to believe that I had no worth. When I realized the HOW and the WHY I was able to realize my beliefs were wrong, and I had to begin the re-wiring process. It wasn’t easy. It isn’t easy to change those beliefs.
It was even harder to stop expecting that my value would be confirmed by the very people that falsely defined me in the first place. And that fantasy was even bigger them the “I’ll show them” one.
The bottom line is this: I don’t need “proof” that I am valuable and worthy. I don’t need to prove that I am good enough. I don’t need to “do something spectacular” so that I can prove my intelligence. I AM intelligent. I AM loveable. I AM worthy. And my value does not come from others, nor does it come from my accomplishments.
I was born with it. I was born with ALL of it.
And so were you.
Exposing Truth ~ one snapshot at a time
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