The “One Day I’ll Show You” Fantasy


self worth, self esteem

I had this fantasy that one day I would “show them”. One day I would prove that I was worth something and that they (everyone) had been wrong about me all along. I had always been disregarded as though I could not possibly contribute to a solution or have a valid opinion. I was “dismissed” as though I wasn’t worth the time it would take to consider anything that I had to say. I had always been regarded as invalid in so many ways, which made me feel as though they thought I was “stupid” and I constantly struggled to prove my worth. So I dreamed that I would become known for how smart that I am. I would make some sort of amazing discovery. And the world would embrace me!

And they (the ones that had defined me as invalid; the ones who disregarded me) would be stunned that they had not noticed me before and they would be filled with regret that they had always treated me with such disregard, and they would want to have a relationship with me and be willing to listen to me; and then…… I would reject them. In my fantasy, I would say “You are too late. You didn’t love me before the world loved me, so don’t come pretending that you are interested in me now; pretending that you actually do love me and want to “see me and hear me” when you never did before. I am the same person that I always was and you didn’t love me then”. 

It never dawned on me though, that I was only willing to stand up to them when I became loved and accepted by others! I was going to prove myself elsewhere and THEN I would show them. I never fantasized about saying to them “you know what; you treat me like dirt and I am done with you and your crap” ~ I wasn’t willing to walk away unless I had somewhere to walk to. I dreamed that others would recognize my value, and through them I would know that everyone else was wrong about me. I would accomplish some fantastic brilliant thing and then I could “walk” to somewhere where I knew that I was loved and accepted. That was the fantasy. 

This idea came from the false belief that I NEEDED someone to validate me. That I NEEDED someone to tell me that I am smart, that I am worthy, that my opinion counts. That is the lie that I believed for most of my life.  This is the same lie that I write about so often in this blog because I so badly want others to realize that this lie in their own belief systems ~ IS A LIE. And the TRUTH will set you free; it set me free.   

I believe the only way out of that lie, is to expose it (to ourselves) for the lie that it is. When I began to expose what the lies actually were, I began to realize that I believed that I was not worthy or valuable. It was through realizing that those lies came from somewhere, that I was not born that way that I began to change the way that I regarded myself. When I realized that I AM worthy, without anyone telling me that I am, that was when I began to find the freedom and wholeness that I had been so frantically searching for and for such a long time.

And the thing is that I would not have believed “the world” if the world had told me that I was in fact valuable. The damage could not be set straight by others telling me that I was in fact lovable. NO ONE can define my value that way because I had been raised not to know it. Because my value had been wrongly defined all along, I had to re-define it. I would never have been able to believe anyone else who defined it.  I had to know it within myself. I had to recognize that my value and worth, does not come from others and the only way that I was able to discover that, was by realizing how I had come to believe that I had no worth. When I realized the HOW and the WHY I was able to realize my beliefs were wrong, and I had to begin the re-wiring process. It wasn’t easy. It isn’t easy to change those beliefs.

It was even harder to stop expecting that my value would be confirmed by the very people that falsely defined me in the first place. And that fantasy was even bigger them the “I’ll show them” one.    

The bottom line is this: I don’t need “proof” that I am valuable and worthy. I don’t need to prove that I am good enough. I don’t need to “do something spectacular” so that I can prove my intelligence. I AM intelligent. I AM loveable. I AM worthy. And my value does not come from others, nor does it come from my accomplishments. 

I was born with it. I was born with ALL of it.

And so were you.

Exposing Truth ~ one snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

Are you aware my of my e-book “Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing”? If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you and you would like to find out “HOW” I broke out of the oppression I lived in, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing. I’ve received hundreds of thank you notes from people that have bought my book. Get yours here for 9.97 through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing 

59 response to "The “One Day I’ll Show You” Fantasy"

  1. By: Riya Posted: 21st April 2014

    I am really inspiried after reading all the comments!And I am very impressed to see that many brave people!

    @Pam, my parents had a purpose for me too. I was never good enough, healthy enough to do anything, or to attempt to do anything – such as singing, or painting… I lacked this or I lacked that. I have a visual impairment which my mother tried incessantly to fix, by taking me to all the psychics and doctors she could. Then she would whine to them. The moment we got home, she started screaming at me because she wasted her day in doing nothing. Her arguments were – I was supposed to do as she said since she ruined her life because of me. When I was 17 she noticed me, and she had moments of sharing her stuff with me, only to manipulate me in joining her in her projects so she would not feel lonely. The again I was supposed to pretend as if I was not there…

    @Lynda, I find your story very inspiring. I am glad it worked out for you and you have been brave of choosing yourself. I guess when you dwell in a fantasy, then it is something you can take advantage in a while, I have chosen to harness mine, and write a book…

    @Ian, I was “gone” most of the time in highschool, I was so useless and uproductive. From time to time, I still do that, and I have noticed that it is in situations in which I perceive I lack control. Recently I have tried to find out how I can gain control over the situation. I at least try to find what I am trying to escape from…

    Thanks for sharing! 🙂

  2. By: Riya Posted: 21st April 2014

    But I guess, fantasizing may be a survival mechanism, just finding hope in a hopeless situation, when you are devaluated and discarded as a person and a human being with opinion, and breathing right. I think this is what helped me survive, and made me accomplish stuff, compared to my devaluators, who never finished a single things, and struggle to make ends meet.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd April 2014

      Hi Riya
      YES. Fantasizing about many things and in many areas, was one of my biggest survival mechanisms, a huge coping method for me.
      Thank you for sharing! Glad you are here!
      hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Riya Posted: 21st April 2014

    I just loved this post! I know it was posted like three years ago. This was my untold fantasy ever since I was 3 years old! I can’t believe someone is so brave to be able to talk about it. Because I have never told anyone. I keep dissociating still at the age of 31, I can’t help it, and it is only about how to impress others. About two months ago, I stopped and asked myself – why don’t I start dreaming of how to make it better for myself. For the time being I am at this stage – How to make things better for myself.

    It is good to find out that there are others struggling with these isues.

  4. By: Kelli Posted: 27th April 2012

    Hey Darlene!

    All my toxins are gone from my life. My ex abuser just recently married and it threw me for a loop. No validation there. He constantly invalidated me, and it was a long line of validations before him…

    I find myself in an interesting place. The voices of “you’re no good” are louder than those that say I am. I find myself in the middle of a desert now with no water, no compass. I am lost.

    I wouldn’t know how to begin to validate myself. I get a lot of validation with the work I do, but I know that’s not where it comes from. How to make it happen from within, without the other voices around the validate the negative anymore, I’m on my own for the first time in my life. I mean truly alone. Something we’re beginning to work on in therapy. Thanks for the article!

    HUGS, Kelli

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 27th April 2012

      Hi Kelli
      I had to listen to those voices in order to dig down and find out where they had their roots. When I found out where they originated, I was able to see that they came from a lot of lies (that I believed about myself) caused from truama events, and lies that needed to be set back to the truth.
      This for me was the process of healing and finally being able to validate and take care of myself emotionally. (and what I write about all over this site!) Thanks for your comments!
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Brenda Posted: 26th April 2012

    Hi Darlene, Just want you to know I look forward to reading all your post and I do. I try and read most of the comments too. Although I don’t comment much because there is so much going on with my thoughts that it gets overwhelming, but your wise words are helping me grow and become stronger slowly but surly. Thank you for all that you are and all that you do. You are a real treasure.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th April 2012

      Hi Brenda!
      Great to hear from you and thank you for your note, I am so happy to hear that you find some assistance here and to hear that you are growing and becomming stronger!That is music to my heart! Don’t worry about commenting; do so when you wish!
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Karen Ranes Posted: 26th April 2012

    Yes, yes yes to this posting Darlene. I tried and tried for years to PROVE to them my worth. By them I mean my abusive family. Even when I was being
    told that my website designs and decorating were WOW I discounted all of it. I did not believe my
    honest good friends and employers. I still believed my family’s devaluing that my personal accomplishments
    were not up to par. So I tried harder. For years..Im talking 35 years. Just in the last 6 months and now following this blog, I see what you mean. Boy 50 years of brainwashing is hard to turn around.
    I told them I won’t take that abuse anymore and meant it. I broke contact. I am much less stressed now and
    determined to find my way back.
    I am with ya Pam.
    By the way I love your symbol picture very Ingrid Bergman!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th April 2012

      Hi Karen
      Crazy hey?? It started so young though how were we to realize it was all lies? How could anyone have ever known it was a manipulative control tactic? The fastest way to turn it around is to find out the whys of why you believed it. What is still stuck in there? I dug through my mind like a miner panning for gold, and I found out where those lies originated and why I thought they were true, and I overcame them.
      I got my life back!
      So glad you are here, and thank you for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Naomi Posted: 1st June 2011

    Wow I really needed to read that. It’s so hard to grasp… even reading it my mind still wanted to say “no you have to be validated by others” I think it’s from some kind of fear that if I believe I’m worth it but somebody else doesn’t then I will look foolish and stupid and be in danger… of what I don’t know. Anyone have something like this?

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st June 2011

      Hi Naomi
      There are MANY fears and false beliefs that we cannot determine our own worth, we have never been encouraged to do it for one thing. Yes, we are afraid that if others do not agree then wi eill look foolish, but that is so much more about them then about you. If someone told you that they believed that they had equal value to everyone else, would you tell that person that he or she is wrong? I know you would not, so why do we care what someone esle says about us if not for the fact that we have in a way been brainwashed to believe that we are NOT equally valuable!
      p.s.I totally relate to what you said here but just keep going and push through!.
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Lynda ~ Coming Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 5th May 2011

    Hi, Ian. I’m glad you are here. This is the most awesome healing community that I’ve ever found, for healing from the brokenness caused by a terribly painful childhood.


  9. By: Ian Posted: 5th May 2011

    @Jeff, thanks for sharing. I can identify. I was an underachieving distracted and bored student in high school. brilliant but no study skills until last couple years of college. I would get lost in fantasies, games, and stories rather than sit with feelings I was not able to handle. These defenses and coping mechanisms of mine became addictions. But what could I do back then? It was all I had, for lack of trustworthy mentors and nurturing role models. Some progress began when my Dad and stepmother started therapy, which they sometimes shared with me. My mother however….. that hope is dead now. She will never be what I needed and never was. Thanks to everyone for this community. I needed this.

  10. By: Sheryl Posted: 29th April 2011

    ” I now know that all of that ‘badness’ resides in them ”
    AND they would even not call it badness!!

  11. By: Pam Posted: 29th April 2011


    The hardest thing, recently, with my parents has been realizing what their purpose for me is. My doing well or being good runs contrary to that purpose. They see me as their scape-goat, the reciprical of everything they deny in themselves and the one that takes blame so that the family can function again when something goes wrong. They don’t even know who I am because who I am is not as important to them as their sick purpose for me. From the time I was born, my mom taught me that I was bad and for such a long time I believed it. I now know that all of that ‘badness’ resides in them and nothing can help them to see the truth unless they begin to search for truth and do something toward healing themselves. However, that is not likely for people who have spent their whole lives going to great lengths to cover truth and deny it.

    You’re right that each revelation is healing in the end but it is so damn painful. I can’t believe I am as old as I am and I’m still struggling to overcome what they did to me.

  12. By: Lynda ~ Coming Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 29th April 2011

    Jeffery, in July 2000 I published a novel, “The Second Mrs. Robinson,” written under the pen name, Rebecca Rochelle.

    My best editor was my brilliant and loving and supportive Aunt. She used to be an English teacher, so she knew exactly what to do with the red pen.

    If you happen to have an English teacher friend, that’s my recommentation.


    PS~ My eldest soon-to-be 40 son helped, too. He’s not the most brilliant when it comes to grammar, but he’s pretty good at spelling and spotting typose. He was in prison at the time, so he had plenty of time to read…

  13. By: Sheryl Posted: 29th April 2011

    “I don’t understand why I am being abused, mistreated, ignored, devalued, whatever…”

    I don’t understand why I am being abused, but I do understand THAT I am being abused.

    I don’t understand.

    I am being abused.

    I am being abused.

    I am being abused.

  14. By: Edward Schline Posted: 29th April 2011

    I did not feel that I could “show” them after years of trying. Now while working on my self esteem and placing my core values on me and what I was born with,as opposed to what I can produce to make my self esteem, finally after seeing the real value in me I can why I felt so empty most of the time. Accomplishments served to only prop me up for a short time with a crash following. I just put so much value on what they thought looking in instead of fixing what I saw looking out. This fit right in with me running from my truths instead of seeing them and realizing what was wrong with me. Great post Darlene.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th April 2011

      Hi Edward,
      YES I totally get and agree with what you are saying. That was what it was for me too. I “thought” that if I could only find the “key” to being good enough that then they woudl see me as good enough. But my value was always there. this whole thing was like a running track away from healing for me too.
      Thanks for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Sheryl,
      This is a painful realization you have shared.
      But all realizations have always been so healing in the end at least for me. Thank you for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: JefferyW Posted: 29th April 2011

    O’tay, I guess this falls into the ‘fantasy’ realm.
    Here I got this book (The Boy) I wrote. Just got the ‘proof’ to ‘read and correct’ before authorizing distribution for ‘hard copy’.
    As any editor/writer knows, you should have many many eyes scan over your work to ensure all the mechanical errors are out (tho’ reading Clive Cussler’s work – and Stephan King’s latest novels, I’m disappointed – finding errors there. Just goes to show what you can get by with if you’re famous).
    (sighing) I’ve read this thing … countless times. Had the wife read it. Daughter is ‘too busy’. …
    Then I got to thinking: mom. She (and the old man) are avid readers . . . should I ‘give’ it to them? Let THEM read the damn thing?
    Fantasy world. I think as soon as they saw the author’s ‘bio’ – there would be feces flying from the fan – extremely so, and extremely thick, and I’d be standing right in the middle of it. Might not be such a happy place.
    Yet . . . the temptation is there. I might lose my only copy (sure, I could order another) . . . but… can you understand???

    Wish I had a real editor; non-judgmental (in terms of ME and … crap – ALL OF US (meaning the “me’s” inside).

    But it would sure be a mind-twisting thing for them to wrap their heads around: on one hand “darling boy” would have produced a novel. On the other hand – darling boy (yeah, and F’ing brat, too, yeah yeah remember them … jeezus. Crapping little rabbit pellets just with the idea they’ll find out.) – and YET it is NOT about them. It’s about me (or rather my twin alters, Mikie and the other one, the teen). And it’s a frickin’ fiction story (and YET – it IS most truly the true story of their souls, meaning my own, meaning two of us on the inside).

    (sighing again)

    Fantasy world. Bravery is a b*tch. And my mom…(shuddering). She’s simply insane.

    Could cause the family to start falling apart…and yet…I wonder.
    Fantasy thing.
    We’ll see and we’ll be seeing. Gotta lot of plowing (thru that book) to do; resubmit w/ corrections, redo a ‘blurb’ on the cover . . . time to think – but…
    really could use them eyes. And my mom is a harsh and critical judge. (My dad is a grandiose a-hole, closet sadist, prick and a-hole (again) who would just ‘use’ it to try to get his own points across – useless reading there: he would want to change EVERYTHING and make it into his own book – f’ing plaguarizer, he’s written ONE book – and copied everything it says, if you’re getting my drift – literal quotes, one after another, garnered off the web. Religious treatise, full of bumpin’ BS – most of it his twisting facts around.)

    Enuff I reckon of my own troubles. But I feel/felt it fits this ‘fantasy world’ of ours . . . if only they could accept it in some good light ..
    Thing is, they wouldn’t. All they’d see is themselves in it (which they are NOT) – and accuse me of abusing THEM – by ‘portraying’ myself as an abused child. (get my drift again? While they admit they would have been locked up in jail a long time ago, in THEIR little friggin’ minds, they were ‘never abusing the child’ – just ‘disciplining him’ – so I ‘wouldn’t go to jail’. Or sumthin. like that. F’ing parents.)
    Thanks for listening. Really complex and conflicted again, LOL. Just like always. I should be getting used to it by now, don’t cha’ll think? (I’m thinkin’, we’re thinkin’, and it’s doing no good.)
    Anyway, ya’ll have fun (sighing again: I do that a LOT when I’m feeling bad, f’d up and conflicted; fortunately, I’ve got most of me ‘lifting’ me up; meaning my ‘others’. Nice to have that sort of ‘built in’ support system, I reckon. LOL, another MPD survival trait and tool – always keeping a sharp eye out for ‘advantages’ to the thing.)
    BTW, Lynda: I miss NM. Was there in last summer; went up and lived around Prescott AZ, down deep in some canyon (Copper Creek Mine area). LOL, funny rocks and things, and lots of rattle tails. Was very nice and very hard; was ‘gold mining’ with an old friend (meaning he was very old, and he considers me a friend.) Wide skies there; endless horizon. Miss them, and all the stars at night (could see the satellites tracking across the sky). Not the steamy hellhole the south can be once the heat and humidity gets goin’. (sigh) Best not to even think of the thing.
    Until later, and thank you guyettes for all your help; wonderful conversations, et cetra ad infinitum.
    Until later.

  16. By: Paulette Posted: 28th April 2011

    Pam ~ post 24 … I so agree with you there. I have no relationship with my narcissist parent either and I am happier than I’ve ever been. I feel free to be ME! :o)

  17. By: Vicki Posted: 28th April 2011

    My mom didn’t even deflate when she read medical facts that corroborated my story. In fact she made the doctor so angry at her he didn’t even want to talk to her anymore and refused to do so. IDK if he was even allowed to do that at the time, but he did it anyway. She had ignored an allergic reaction I had to bees, b/c it fell short of being a dire emergency. But it was a local reaction that could have turned into a Trauma 1 emergency within seconds-it has a rapid onset-b/c she thought I was “swelling up my own arm b/c of being stressed out over having a bee sting.”
    Swelling up my entire arm from my hand all the way to my shoulder? Right.
    My family counselor refused to have further family sessions w/ her b/c. every time she brought up any involvement my mom may have had, suddenly my mom would notice squirrels darting around outside the office window and comment on them. Or the nice weather. Or anything else.
    I remember being utterly confused that professionals were suddenly angry at her, but she’s the one who sent me to the expensive hospital (and blamed me for costing her money which, upon her death, I found out was one of the biggest lies of them all.) She wasn’t worried about spending 1000’s of dollars every month as disposable income but raged at me for “costing” them money. And she arranged to have 5 of my cats killed in the most inhumane way anyone could have ever done it. She didn’t take them to the river and throw them in, but she had someone else come get them, while I watched as he stuffed them all in a burlap bag, and took them to a river and drowned them.
    There HAD TO BE some other way than that to get rid of cats you no longer wanted, and I still don’t understand why they chose the cruelest, most extreme way to exterminate other living things.
    Not everybody will think it’s that bad, but most people, even dedicated cat – haters would probably choose a HUMANE over IN-humane method of getting rid of the cats.

  18. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 27th April 2011

    Hi Barbara,
    YES! Barbara, it IS their dysfunction!
    Thank you for sharing the story about PCOS ~ that is also so typical of abusers, isn’t it?? Even when there is proof (REAL PROOF) nothing changes!
    Hugs, Darlene

  19. By: Barbara Posted: 27th April 2011

    First – another FABULOUS article, Darlene. One thing I noticed when I got old and started DOING some very wonderful things – those people I wanted to “show” STILL FOUND SOME REASON to devalue, disregard, disparage, etc. It was a no win. And it did take a while before I realized it was THEIR dysfunction – not mine. Some of it was even jealousy and envy.

    Second (I may have shared this before) I remember when an article & interview with my doctor came out in 1998 about PCOS. For years & years & years my Mother had BLAMED me for all the symptoms, called me a FREAK every chance she could and raged at me for not being her perfect mirror and having medical problems. I watched her out of the corner of my eye, read the article. Literally I would swear I saw her deflate – like a balloon – as all of her nonsense blaming was ripped to shreds by medical printed fact. (She’s blamed me for having things “specially printed” just to make her look/ feel bad… lol – but this time she didn’t). She put down the magazine and walked away and didn’t talk to me for quite some time. No apology, no acknowledgement. Nothing.

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