Spiritual Abuse; When the name of God is used to Guilt and Shame


EFB PVI get really angry when I think about the degree of spiritual abuse that is ‘out there’ and how victims are preached LIES about right and wrong and how the name of GOD is used to back up those lies.  It upsets me that the name of God is used to guilt and shame abuse victims and survivors into staying silent. This is such a common tactic that controlling people use, it makes me sick.

Take the forgiveness directive for example and how people insist that blind forgiveness is what God would want us to do; even on the EFB facebook page people post daily that forgiveness is the solution to healing from child abuse and that jumping straight to forgiveness is for the victim’s freedom without ever considering that forgiveness in most of the cases WE are referring to, is towards perpetrators and offenders who DENY that they have ever done anything wrong. Here in Emerging from Broken we are not talking about people who are sincerely sorry for what they have done and are asking for forgiveness and making the effort to stop causing harm. We are talking about people who either say that they didn’t do it, OR they stand behind their entitlement for doing it and they don’t want forgiveness NOR are they willing to repent or stop doing the abusive things that are doing. In this way, by being taught that forgiveness for those types of perpetrators is a solution, victims of child abuse (and even ongoing abuse, disrespect and devaluing treatment on into adulthood) are further invalidated and re-abused.

Often times, when victims of abuse perpetrated by a family member or close friend try to talk about what happened to them, they are told to “get over it” or “forgive and forget” and a whole host of other little sayings designed to make the victim feel bad about talking. And not just to feel bad about ‘talking’ about it, the victim ends up feeling bad about what happened to them as if it was something he or she did wrong to attract it in the first place and even believing that their ‘feelings’ about it are unfounded.

Talking about what happened to me is not “negative.” Talking about it doesn’t bring shame on the survivor of the abuse, the Church or on the name of Jesus Christ. It brings shame on the ABUSER or PERPATRATOR of the CRIME. And that is as it should be.

Can you imagine Jesus Christ looking down on a little child and telling him or her they need to get over it? Can you picture God advising a child (or an adult child survivor) to ‘forgive and forget’ even before the abuse has been validated, soothed, bandaged and wept over and while the perpetrators are STILL denying that they did something wrong? Do you think that Jesus Christ, God, or whatever type of spiritual power you follow would want these manipulative people and the perpetrators of so much pain and emotional harm walk away without being exposed and if need be charged and convicted?  Who would worship THAT god, the god who would be on the side of the abuser? What kind of higher power would suggest that the abusive person in the relationship should NOT be exposed? What kind of loving god would suggest that abuse should be covered up?

What kind of spiritual guru would advise children to suck it up and take it adding that it is ‘for their own good or brought on by the child’ and then when that child is grown up would advise the now adult child to forget about it or tell the adult child that it happened a long time ago as if that has something to do with why we should keep it a secret. What kind of GOD would want this kind of stuff covered up?

What kind of loving being would not care to put a stop to the abuser by exposing him or her?

What kind of “Creator” or spiritually enlightened entity OR individual would teach that telling, exposing or talking about abuse is a negative thing to do? Why would a healthy loving leader want the abusers to get away with the crimes they have committed thus enabling them to repeat the offence? What kind of spiritual entity would want victims and survivors of painful upbringings, domestic violence, sexual abuse, neglect and emotional abuse to BE QUIET for the sake of protecting the people who did this harm to them in the first place.

What about the saying “They did the best they could.” Would it make sense to you if someone said to you “forgive him for sexually abusing you, after all, he did the best he could.” I don’t think that God or any Spiritual Power of the Universe would agree that this sexual offender was ‘doing the best he or she could.”

It is this kind of thinking and victim blaming that leads survivors of abuse and victims of abuse to come to the conclusion that GOD let the abuse happen.  It is this kind of thinking that keeps victims and survivors STUCK in the low self-esteem that resulted from the damage caused by the devaluing and sometimes dehumanizing treatment that we were subjected to in the first place.

To the people that quote the Bible even the Bible says that we have to follow the law of the land, so why would family or friends of family be exempt from the law?

Think about it; the people who want our silence are people that are afraid of being caught because they KNOW that what they are doing is wrong but their entitlement issues are bigger than their knowledge of right and wrong and they have taught a whole society to believe that talking about this stuff is ‘wrong’.  

Abusive, controlling, entitled people and the people who are afraid of them will say almost anything to get you to shut up. They will label you as angry, hateful and unforgiving if you decide to stand up to them and the ways that they regard you. I want to shout at them and to the ones that defend them ~ “What do you think I am angry about???” Anger is justifiable in this situation! It isn’t hateful to stand up for yourself. I had to really think about these things in order to realize the truth about it all. Being labeled as unforgiving because I spoke up for myself towards people that don’t want forgiveness and don’t even admit that they did something that requires forgiveness is baffling to me and when I saw it through new eyes, it didn’t matter what they said anymore; I don’t buy it anymore. I don’t own that shame or guilt that isn’t mine to carry anymore. I gave it back to them. I don’t believe that I am unforgiving or that my anger is misplaced. I am not hateful, I am not fragile, I am not crazy, guilty or vengeful and I don’t believe any of those titles that were given to me when I was under the spell and fear of abusive, controlling and manipulative people. And I certainly don’t believe that a God of love would EVER defend the abuser over the one abused.  

I believe in what is best. I believe that Love is about what is best for all, and I will never believe that covering up for abusers and perpetrators of abuse is ever best for anyone. Not even for them.

Please share your thoughts on this very controversial subject. Remember that you may choose any name you wish to in the comment form and your identity will always be kept private and although Emerging from Broken has a facebook page, the comments left here are not posted on facebook.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time,                                                      

Darlene Ouimet

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306 response to "Spiritual Abuse; When the name of God is used to Guilt and Shame"

  1. By: Rainey Posted: 3rd February 2018

    Hi Everyone,
    I am new here and am so grateful I found this website!!! I feel hope for the first time in my life after reading (still reading) Darlene’s e-book! I too was abused by my older brother sexually, mentally and physically starting at age 7. He was the youngest of my 3 older brothers and I was the only girl and the baby. He tried convincing me he had me “under hypnosis” so what he was doing wasn’t really happening. He forced me to drink hard alcohol to try and “impair me” further. I would sneak pouring it down the sink when he left the room. I was terrified of him. This went on for a while until I could not hold it in anymore and confided in a friend down the street when I did not know what to do. She convinced me that I had to tell my mother (which I was terrified to do fearing I would not be believed) but she was adamant I tell her so much, she told me she would stand by me. So, I did.
    What a nightmare. I told and my brother kept telling Mom I was lying and my Mother seemed more upset my friend was there more than what I was trying to tell her. She dismissed it and never brought it up again. There I was, stuck again, and the abuse continued. If I told on him for anything he did, he would beat me. So I learned to stay quiet for self preservation. I was a mess. I did horribly in school, I felt dirty and worthless, why should doing well in school matter to me? I was the outcast and gravitated to the other outcasts. As I got older, the abuse lessened but I was on a path of self destruction. My father, divorced Mom when I was 2 was an x-Marine and a drunk. I knew if I told him, he would have beat my brother beyond recognition and I would ultimately pay for that too. Same goes for my other brothers.
    I picked destructive relationships, did drugs to escape my pain, textbook behavior of a rebellious kid. I would get in trouble and was always told, I was the bad kid. Self esteem was always shot.
    I have enough material to write my own novel!
    Fast forward to now. I am 48, living and caring for Mom who developed dementia. This brother has become more of a mental case and his wife has turned him into a Jesus freak. He now is using religion to attempt to manipulate me into “forgiving him” when he still won’t own up to it being his fault. He say’s God will not allow me into heaven unless I forgive. I think that is the lowest thing I have ever heard. He is still trying to control me after all these years and I get so upset everytime he tries to “get back in” after I shut him out. The hypocrisy of his message of Jesus and forgiveness then turns around and viciously attacks me because I stopped him from extorting money from Mom everytime he showed up. I told him he was no longer welcome on the property. He is sick. He has managed to blame everything on me and Mom never, ever stood up for me, even when I confronted him as an adult (age 21) he told me “That is how I WANTED IT!!!” I told Mom and she gave me an ultimatum of working it out with him or we both could move out. So, with no money and nowhere to turn, I left and begged my boyfriends landlord to allow me to live there. That killed me. To this day, nobody has ever defended me, validated my feelings, stood up to him for what he did to me. I realize now, it really is completely up to me and me alone, as usual.
    Thank you Darlene for being the only person to make sense, after so many different therapists, loads of different anti-depressants, nothing worked. You have given me hope and I will continue reading and ingraining this new thought process into my mind and taking back the power and control of my life. It won’t be easy, but I feel a switch has been flipped in my mind and the light was turned on. I will move forward everyday taking back my life and stop letting my dysfunctional family define me when they don’t know or never cared to know who I am. I will no longer care about what they think of me because it’s all BS anyway. I want my marriage to be healthy, my happiness back and now I have the tools to make it happen thanks to you!!!!!!!

  2. By: Jennifer Posted: 26th January 2018

    That’s my whole life of abuse. There’s so much going on right now, I can’t find all the words to say. In short, my dad denied and abandoned me, my mother physically and mentally abused me. I have three older siblings: two out of three say they hate me, one out of three abused me and all together they despise me. I have been through a divorce with a Narcissist ex-husband; who is wearing me down, spreading lies about me, wants me dead and trying to take the only good thing I have in my life; my 10 year old autistic son; whom he only uses to get at me. It breaks my heart that my son has to leave every other week-end with him. Yet, he proclaims to be a Minister. I am physically, emotionally and mentally fatigue. Every time I and my son get out or away, they do something illegally and I have to come back and fight for my son. Living with people who are trying to destroy me and take my son from me. Yet, they deny all that they have done; saying it’s all in my head and making me feel like I don’t belong to God but of the devil. I just want a life, away from them all with m son, but at the moment it looks a blur; and so on and so on.

  3. By: Tricia Johnson Posted: 17th July 2017

    There’s a real bottom line here. When people try to use the Bible and their idea of God to control or alter our behavior, they are forgetting one important thing: in Philippians 2:12, God tells each of us to work out our own way of living His Word. Spiritual growth is a highly individualized thing, so…..no one….and I mean no one….gets to tell us how to live, how to approach God, how to interpret the Bible, when to forgive, that we have to or even should forgive….no one. This is a personal decision and no one else’s opinion about our spiritual walk matters to God. No one can apply God’s Word to your life. No one. Knowing this is an absolute shield to spiritual abuse. If someone comes at you loaded with Bible verses aimed at coercing any of your behavior, you can rest assured they are NOT of God and have NO say in your spiritual walk.

  4. By: Emotionally stable now Posted: 31st May 2017

    Hi Darlene and everyone who has commented.

    I first read this blog two years ago on the eve of leaving my ex. It was a very emotionally abusive relationship that turned physical toward the end. I do not forgive him. He still sends hate mail to my family and leaves nasty messages on their voicemails?. I call to mind his actions every time I see my boyfriend do the opposite of what I expect. I hope, eventually, I won’t be comparing my ex’s behavior to everyone else.

    You are absolutely correct. Forgiving somehow makes the actions ok or somehow forgettable. I still need that reminder that there are men who don’t treat women like that, etc. It helps me become more discerning in the people I choose to be around and not be easily fooled by first impressions.

  5. By: Michael Mills Posted: 26th January 2017

    Speaking of spiritual abuse, here’s a great one for you! One Sunday, several years ago, the church pastor decided to climb up on his soap box and proceeded to inform us: “Depression is simply something you choose to have. It’s just your way of getting everybody else to feel sorry for you!” In his view, you’re damned if you have depression, you’re damned if you speak about it, you’re damned if you seek help for it! I guess subjects such as this are simply supposed to be swept under the rug and ignored. Well, needless to say, this is precisely why I no longer attend church. I may not be able to recognize an angel when I see one, but I assure you, I can most certainly recognize a vulture!!!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th January 2017

      Hi Micheal,
      Welcome to EFB!! Glad you are here and thank you for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  6. By: neveragain Posted: 21st July 2016

    This post and the whole blog i have read so far has been ringing thunderous bells for me.I have been getting in a real muddle over the concept of forgiveness, but Darlene and most of the posters on here have validated what i have been leaning towards; if God can’t or wont forgive us if we are not sincerely repentant,how can we be expected to? How can we be expected to be bigger or better people than Holy God Himself??? Isnt that a form of sin, almost like idolatory or blasphemy,telling people they have to be more virtuous than God Himself??? Also,as someone has posted already, Jesus said, IF the wrong-doer REPENTS, THEN we have to forgive! He didn’t say we could take revenge or give them back abuse for abuse BUT He didn’t say we HAVE to forgive unrepentant people over and over and let them carry on abusing us either! “IF he repents…”, and I think the “if” is the crux of the issue here.I also read on a Christian website for abuse survivors, I think it’s called Luke Ministries and it’s very good, that ” you can’t forgive a crime in progress!” This really struck me because it really emphasises that before one can begin to feel genuine forgiveness, the abuse has to have STOPPED!pREFERRABLY BECAUSE THE ABUSER HAS GENUINELY REPENTED AND chosen OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL TO STOP ABUSING US. Failing that,( which they do usually fail to do, dont they?) we have to be the ones who stop it, either by setting very firm boundaries or going no contact and blanking the abuser completely.I have developed my own perception of the concept of forgiveness which i dont present as fact,merely my take on it; TRUE forgiveness, the type that lasts and is profound,is a two way process; it is almost an agreement between two parties- the offender and the victim.It requires true repentance and a commitment to stop the offending on the part of the offender PLUS a sincere intent to make reparation. When this is the case, God requires the victim to sincerely forgive and let go of any anger. Depending on the offence,it may be that the victim should just pick up the relationship afresh with the offender and never bring it up again, as we do when our kids are bold and then are sorry- loving mums dont bring up everything their kid has ever done everytime they misbehave, we dont rub their noses in it and all anger is gone because the love is so strong and unconditional and never went away.HOWEVER, if the offence is severe, if it may be too much to require the victim to trust the offender enough to have them back in their lives again,or if trust has to be rebuilt by the offender,it’s a slower process and I believe God understands this and i also beleive that He in no way would expect us to have someone back in our lives who did something heinous such as raped us or murdered our child, to pick some extreme exampels for instance. I think then all that can be expected of the victim is to be able to wish to work through the justifiable anger and pain and not seek revenge or harbour hatred. In the end i think that God would understand that the best the victim could do for the repentant offender is to pray for them and wish them no harm. In the case of the UNREPENTANT offender, it’s is utterly unjust and potentially damaging to demand the victim forgives- the most that can happen in this case is, that after a considerable time of NOT being abused,because the victim has stopped the abuse by setting boundaries or going no contact, that they eventually can remember the abuse without feeling that tsunami of emotion, pain and rage and fear,overwhelm them, and even get to feel a smigeon of pity for the offender because, by refusing to truly repent, they are putting their immortal souls in the gravest danger- then the victim might be able to pray for their souls but at the same time,be clear that the offender is a danger to them and must be SWERVED,probably for life. These are not linear processes though, as other posters have discussed, i go back and forth- sometimes i get to the stage i can pity and pray for my abusers but still ocasionally,like this past Monday, the rage and pain hits me like a tidal wave. Thats how i came upon this blog and i thank God for it!! The final bit of the conundrum of forgiveness i have developed my own take on, is the difference between actual, GENUINE forgiveness and what i have dubbed as ” giving someone a PASS”! What i mean by this is best explained by what i have realised i did all my life- people would treat me shabbily,like i was the last person who mattered ( Darlene that was SO relevent to me, thank you!) and talk to me or about me like i was either the devils daughter or a great eejit,with no sense or feeling, who couldnt wipe her own arse, she was that daft, and certainly didnt need to ever be treated with respect! Either that or i would be mugged off repeatedly but strung along,OR even completely ignored but then expected to drop everything and be immeadiatley available when wanted- what i used to do in these situations was struggle to articulate my feelings and either get it all turned back on me so I was the baddie,or i would swallow and keep quiet, feeling hurt and angry but not allowed to say so for fear of aforementioned. THEN when the offender decide to bother with me again OR start being ” nice” i would be SO keen to be FORGIVING i would even convince myself they were actually SORRY and go along with, what i have only in recent years realised, is a GAME- the game being that the offender is the only one of us with any value and get to do or say whatever they want and the victim, ME, has to swallow it and put up and shut up and be oh so VERY grateful when the offender condescends to bother with me be “nice” or again. Their rule is i am expected to just play along with the lie that the offender hasnt done anything even REMOTELY wrong to me and all’s rosy in the garden!!! I would convince myself they they DID like/love me REALLY, and to let bygones be bygones- i was that desperate to not only be liked/loved but to BELONG and be accepted. I have now learnt that this is NOT forgiveness- it was just me, because of my conditioning and habituation to shabby,sublty abusive treament and acceptance of the message drummed into me since babyhood that i was of significantly LESS value that anyone else, going along with the offenders disingenous,manipulative game of keeping me in my place.True forgiveness is a TWO- way process , a MUTUAL thing and it requires the offender to reach out first and to be prepared to eat humble-pie, to take responsibility and to be blunt, take the BLAME. When they dont do this and just expect you to pick up as if they never did anything wrong, if one goes along with this,one is just giving them ” a PASS”!! A pass to keep treating us like dirt and never to be held responsible or face any negative consequences and of course, this suits abusers very well.Its all gain for them and all loose for us.I have learnt to tell the difference as well, by the fact that they always repeat the offence and i ALWAYS feel just as bad as i did the other times PlUS it brings back all the accumulated hurt,pain, shame and rage and sorrow that the other offences incurred in me, because i hadnt healed and sure. how could i have, when i hadnt distanced myself long enough and looked after myself to allow healing, the offender NEVER expressed a drop of remorse OR i hadnt even realised i was being consistantly treated as “less than” for quite some time! Well,i know it NOW and,like my screen name says,i will NEVER AGAIN allow anyone to treat me that way.No remorse- no forgiveness! I will NEVER again give anyone ” a pass” TO TREAT ME BADLY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM! Anyway,that’s my take on it and i still struggle with guilt,doubt and self blame but i’m getting stronger and clearer;i beleive this community will be really healing for me as it has riveted me from the moment i discovered it! I would love to know what ye all think of what ive said and really look forward to communicating with all of ye! Thanks again!

    • By: im getting there wow Posted: 20th February 2018

      thankyou for shareing your thoughts and experiences this has helped me and opened mt eyes

  7. By: I Will Not Be Abused Posted: 20th July 2016

    Excellent post. It is not our place to forgive those who abused us. As Lyle Lovett says in one of his songs, “God forgives. I don’t!” It is our place to be righteous and to expose the abuse that the abusers deny again and again. In this way, we open the door for others who have suffered from abuse (as you opened the door for us in your post) to say “Yes! I have been abused! And yes! It was wrong!”

  8. By: neveragain Posted: 20th July 2016

    Darlene,this article and comments have really helped me, thank you.My mum also used God as a weapon and I will describe it in more detail in another post; it’s 20 past 1 in the morning and i am wrecked! Thank you again and love to all here, I hope to be able to join in and make helpful contributions as so many of ye have done.Night night!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th July 2016

      Hi “Neveragain” and “I will not be abused”
      Welcome to EFB !
      Thanks for sharing and I am so glad you are here!
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: shane Posted: 5th April 2016

    Hi Darlene
    I’m late with my post but here it is.I too was raised in a “christian home” and was emotianally abused and demonised, the bible was severely twisted causing extream emotional damage, there was some physical abuse aswell but that’s not so bad, its the emotianal wounds that hurt most, and the hardest thing is to try to reconsile with God after many years of war with him. This is not an easy post for me to make but I will tell my story as to how I made that simple coment on MATT 5:22 king james version (kjv).When I became a christian approx 15 years ago I started with normal main stream christianity but found that the same type of spiritual bullying from my past just began again and seemed to continue at almost every church I went, for example, as Darlene says about scriptures they twist to put you on a guilt trip etc.My early years of christianity was spent in the normal accepted modern bible versions and the general main line denominations, but I studied many bible translations because I loved them all,I also took an interest in studying diferent denominational theologies. But something was wrong in the church, the broken were getting more neglected and damaged than getting healed.Well to cut it short after many years of working with diferent translations etc, approx 1 year ago the kjv became my favorite bible to study and I started learning from those terribly aggressiv kjv er’s and while I was learning from them about the diferences between their translation and others this was one scripture that I learned about.As far as I am concerned the kjv fully backs Darlene’s stance on the matter of anger etc and she is right,sending their victums on a guilt trip is just wicked.Now Darlenes argument from what I can gather, is called “righteous anger” in the intellectual christian community.Now for those of you who are in this type of spiritual abuse I want all of you to be patient with me because for those of you who believe in the bible I want you all to see this.I will send you to a web site that condems the idea of righteous anger as unbiblical and you the abused are going to hell,well at first it comes across as a nice place for help and healing, and you will see for yourself exactely what I think Darlene is talking about.This man also accuses the kjv of coming from false manuscripts,but this is not true.Do a google search for; CHAPTER III-THE ACTION OF ANGER’ http://www.focusonthescriptures.org.and read his scathing attacks on the kjv and the idea that any kind of anger could possibly have a constructive role in the church,after you have read his article then type in the search bar ‘Matthew 5:22-scion of zion’ http://www.scionofzion.com and see how a kjv er answeres the question concerning the matter of righteous anger and its purpose, and decide for your self.Just a word of warning kjv er’s and modern bible people actually dont get along very well and if you don’t know that yet, you will soon find out, it was not hard for me to explore both sides with a neutral stance because i am used to studying various denominations unbioustly anyway but it may be a bit hard for some of you who cling to certain theologies but I urge you to just act as a neutral judge on the matter and you will see wich of the two knows the bible better,I am not telling anyone what to do, I’m simply giving my experience and learning from those old fasioned kjv people has given me a spiritual strenght I never had before and this is not the only type of abuse the kjv has saved me from,I no longer believe the same things we are taught in our main stream churches and since then several attacks have been attempted on me by the so called christians who have enjoyed bullying me but they have failed because I am armed like I have never been before and for a very long time now they have left me alone.And just to think I was in churches that for the most part but not all,have taught me to laugh at the kjv calling it out dated etc,and here I am 15 years later actually reading it and enjoying it,and with the help I have gotten from them I will never tease them again, they can condem the churches I was indoctrinated in(and they certainly do)but thats fine because they are probably right anyway and why would I bother defending a system that brought me to ruin.There is a verse in the bible that says something a bout seek out the old ways and walk in them Jer 6:16. So for those of you who like to read your bibles I encourage you to get a good old kjv and give it a try if you havent already, the old english is hard at first but you get used to it,and when you are faced with difficult questions concerning life and spirituality dont just go to the usual preachers and teachers that you have always gone to but see what kind of answers you get from some of these kjv people, they have some good sites on the internet, but it must be the hard core guys because they are usually the best.So remember the kjv says God dos not hate you for your anger,sure we must forgive and we must overcome anger but that is what Christ came to do,to heal the broken hearted and riteous anger as the kjv er’s believe is meant to bring the one who has wronged the other to accountability so that restitution can be made and the church can continue in harmony but most of mainstream christianity has branded righteous anger as evil and this protects the one in the wrong and keeps the victum in a state where they are without defence.And this is not a function of the church.Some of you already know that true hardcore kjv er’s are very feirce defenders of there bible version, of all the types of christians I have studied they are the most dedicated and that is maby what scares people away from them but put your fears and any prejudice aside and go to the two web sites I told you about, the first one that condems righteous anger and then the kjv site that tells you what righteous anger is really about and what it is for, and see for your self.So I apologise to anyone who I may have offended I understand denominational topics can be a sensitive subject for some but I just want you to know that sometimes you learn in places and from people you never thought you would.The kjv bible 100% backs Daleen and thats just the plain truth.
    lots of love and God bless you all
    List of bible translations I have studied over approx 15 years in order:Good News Bible: life Application study Bible:Niv Bible: New King James (rejected by hard core kjv er’s): Amplified Bible: and King James Bible (original 1611 edition the only one accepted by true kjv er’s.
    List of denominations I have studied in order: Charismatic: Word Of Faith: Penticostalism: Methodist: Seveth Day Adventist: Baptist (just in general, there are a few splits in the baptist church): Jehovas Witness: Cathololic (predominantly Roman)
    List of other religeous studies in order: Right wing satanism: Free Masonery: Left wing satanism: Kabal: Judaism (only the diferences between the torah jews and the talmud jews): Islam (only the very basics): New age and astrology (only the basics): Lucifarianism (indepth and ongoing as this is a very deep and disturbing religion and has a lot to do with what is going on in the churches and in the world).

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th April 2016

      Hi Shane,
      thanks for your work and for this post. I studied greek and hebrew word origins for 8 years in order to dig into biblical truths. I think that has aided me greatly with the way I write today!
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Carlos Posted: 5th February 2016

    Hey Darlene,

    As a result of all of the constant abuse from some members within the family, I have refrained from going to church altogether. I could no longer stomach the “lessons” that were being taught composed of “bad things happen to people in order to be tested” or the golden tagline of all time that has only recently started to get into my nerves “Everything happens for a reason.” Furthermore I also stopped accepting Jesus’ blood or rather the churches’ representations of blood (eg: shots of grape juice or wine every service) for this one reason: “Inevitability” Inevitability in the sense that I would eventually stand up to the abuse, family related or not (which translates to committing a sin). I wouldn’t want to taint that blood with anything I would do to protect myself. Thought that was crazy? I have recently developed a mantra of which I would utter from time to time being: “I believe that Jesus died for us, but he only died once.” “I am not going to constantly kill him every year by accepting his blood and claim that my sins have been washed because I know that there will always be that one bridge in the form of “Inevitability” that would just render his sacrifices to once again be in vain.” I no longer want to be that nail in the cross that’s constantly latching onto him for comfort and solace when in truth my latching onto him, along with my constant need and desire to fight for what I believe is right would just make the pain all the more less bearable. In short I have accepted that I am a sinner and I am not going to use that blood to wash it off. (But then I was like to myself, Carlos you do realise that what you’re choosing to do is also going to hurt him right).

    It’s really a challenge but I to would like to believe that both God and Jesus would never want to see us get hurt, but I just also happen to be majorly pissed off at the same time because it had me questioning: “Where were you throughout the turmoil that each and every one of us have gone through?” Yeah it’s been a major hurdle to confront. I believe God but at the same time I feel obligated to protect myself from him. Strangely enough, in one of those moments where I was alone in my room, I talked to him and I was like: “50% of my trust I’m committing to you” the other half mine okay?” I also said additional things like: “Please see to it that a portion of my trust is worth giving” (In what I would like to call as my “Victim of the abusers” dictionary, these words translated to: “Here’s my trust, and I really hope you could use it to shield me from any more pain. Or if you couldn’t grant that at least see to it that I can face the pain without having to feel guilty about whatever action I intend to take.) These words don’t just apply to the family but to other people I come across in life in general. When I found out that I got job offers I was like to God: “Please tell me I am not walking myself into a trap.” (Translation: “This better not be another war zone.”)

    The intention behind this particular post is not to offend, but rather just to give an insight on my relationship status with both God and Jesus. It’s a very strange one, but I’d rather this setup than the kind of relationship in which I have accept other people’s reasoning that God and Jesus did all of this for my greater good, when clearly that’s just adding insult to all of the injuries that have already been inflicted or have yet to be inflicted.

    Kind regards,


  11. By: Maria Posted: 31st October 2014

    Thanks Darlene, that is how I understand it too! But I seem to be at a loss for words sometimes especially when the argument that is used against me is, at least in my opinion, totally wrong. I then don’t even know where to start.

  12. By: Maria Posted: 31st October 2014

    So what do you answer to the “turn the other cheek”? I know maybe I shouldn’t bother, as the people who use it to justify an abuser are not worth talking to, but I would love to have a clever answer to that! Darlene I have been reading and reading the posts. I am getting stronger. I am also better at helping my kids when they are angry about something as I try to make them talk about how they feel but also how I feel if they yell. Before I only tried to make sure they were happy comforting them. However if they get angry there is a reason that needs to be validated! Thanks Darlene.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st October 2014

      Hi Maria
      As far as I understand it, ‘turn the other cheek’ is about not hitting back. It means “don’t be like them” or “don’t lower yourself”. It doesn’t mean that we are supposed to take the crap people dish out and just sit there.
      That is how I understand it anyway. 🙂
      hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Asmein Posted: 25th September 2014

    Dear Darlene,

    Thank you for your post about this spiritual abuse. I had a terrible and horrible experience in this matter. When a group of people using excercises of spirituality in a spinned way, instead of for helping its followers to know GOD and be a better self, they use the group to control the values and ways of thinking of the followers. The excercise was more likely a brainwashing through psycotheraphy, to accept what they were doing and wanted their new initiates to follow and act accordingly, were the undeny-able truths, so they can have absolute control of their followers. Forgiveness was one of the deadly weapons, beside our own submissive attitudes created by the circles of hell of deindividuation treatments. I have been experiencing isolation and abuses by a network of gossips, that created a profile/an image of me that always has preceeded me, where ever I will go to start a new life. I have been pushed to get into the image and I have been saying NO. and critically questioned them, exactly the way you wrote in the article, that, is true, that our GOD is ok with sufferings, that were pushed by our peers to us to experience? After I left them in the middle of my initiation, there seem no way out for me to start my life again…

  14. By: scapegoatdaughter Posted: 22nd September 2014

    Thank you for your response Rise. I agree no contact is best .

  15. By: Risé Posted: 21st September 2014

    scapegoatdaughter ~

    I’ve experienced all those things too – tried to talk about the abuse and got ostracized, rejected. I have been severe no contact now for 4 years. (Smearing still goes on though – good thing most of it doesn’t get back to me though.) I too was the scapegoat, so I know exactly what they’ve done to you. There is no emotional pain that tops this kind. From my own personal experience – ‘no contact’ has been the greatest blessing – and its enabled me to heal faster had they still been in my life. {hugs}

  16. By: Risé Posted: 21st September 2014

    marquis – #282

    Totally agree … man-made religion with all their do’s and don’ts does more harm than good – putting folk in terrible bondage.

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