Self-Worth Gives You Ability To Say No by Patricia Singleton

self esteem, self worth, recovery
Patricia Singleton


Today I am pleased to welcome guest blogger Patricia Singleton from the blog “Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker” writing about the importance of improving Self Worth on the journey to wholeness.  Please help me to welcome Patricia and feel free to leave your comments and contributions.  Hugs, Darlene Ouimet ~ founder of Emerging from Broken

Self-Worth Gives You Ability To Say No  by Patricia Singleton

Darlene recently wrote a post called Low Self-Esteem And Relationship Disasters Someone else posted a link to the post on Facebook where I left the following comment:

“When you are taught self-worth, you can’t be controlled by the abuser.  You will say, ‘No’ which they don’t want to hear.  You will tell others what is happening to you because you know you don’t deserve to be treated badly.  The abuser doesn’t want you to do that.  Abusers don’t abuse children who might talk.”

The first time that I said “No” and meant it was when I was 17 years old.  That is when the physical part of the incest stopped.  I knew, in some small part of me, that I didn’t deserve how my dad had treated me for the six years before that.  I had said “No” so many times before that day but wasn’t strong enough or courageous enough to stick with my decision.  I really wanted the incest to end but didn’t know how to make my dad honor my decision and leave me alone.

I didn’t know it at the time but that small burst of courage came from the survivor hidden deep inside of me.  All I knew was that I had just about reached my limits of how much stress I could handle without totally losing who I was.  I knew that I couldn’t be pushed any further and continue to hold on to my sanity.  I didn’t say it out loud but I had reached the point that if my dad hadn’t left me alone, I believe that I would have told someone about the abuse.  I was that desperate, feeling an emotional break near the surface of my control.  My dad must have sensed what I didn’t say.  He accepted my “No” finally.

At that point in my life, it wasn’t self-worth that gave me the courage to say “No” to the incest.  It was a need for self preservation.  Sometimes I think that self preservation was the only thing that kept me going through the fog of pain that was the incest.  Some part of me simply refused to quit.

I was still many years away from feeling my own self-worth, from really knowing that I didn’t deserve to be abused, from knowing that I didn’t cause the incest.  Finding my self-worth was a long, gradual process that didn’t really start until I got into 12-Step programs starting in January of 1989. 

In those 12-Step meetings, I met other survivors.  I met people who were talking about growing up in alcoholic homes and its effects upon them as an adult.  I learned about healthy boundaries, co-dependency and the disease concept of alcoholism.  I learned that the control that I thought I had to have in my life was me being out of control and so afraid of life and people.  I was able to recognize and step away from people who just wanted to abuse and control me.  I learned that I had done some abusing of my own with my weapon of choice—sarcasm.  I also learned that I could stop the sarcasm when I recognized that it was an unhealthy and destructive way to release my rage.  I could make amends to those that I loved.

 Probably the most important thing that I learned was that the only way out of the pain was to go through the pain.  I could feel and I wouldn’t die from it.  I could love myself and take care of my needs which I had never recognized that I had before.  I could be the real me as soon as I found out who she was and people wouldn’t hate or blame me for the incest.  People could love me for who I was.  Being authentic was not only okay but preferred.  I could trust people and they wouldn’t hurt me.  I could trust myself.  I could trust God.  The abuse wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t God’s fault.
Patricia Singleton

Self-worth starts with learning to take care of yourself and learning to love yourself.  How did I learn to love myself?  Respect myself?  I built a support system of people who loved me until I could grow to love myself.  I stopped questioning their love for me as I saw that their actions followed their words.  I learned to trust my own intuition or gut feelings that told me who was safe to be around and who wasn’t.  To love myself, I had to learn to feel all of my feelings.  I had to learn how to let go of all of the rage, hurt and sadness.  I had to let go of it because it was hurting me, causing me pain and health problems. 

I learned that I had inner children in me who were wounded by the abuse and needed healing too.  I had to learn that I could nurture and love those inner children instead of hating them for causing me so much pain.  You see I had blamed them for their own abuse—my abuse.  I found out that I was so afraid of others blaming me for the incest because inside I blamed these inner children who were me for our own abuse.  It was easier to blame them and me that it was to blame either of my parents because I depended upon my parents for my survival.  I had to work with and talk to each of these inner children.  I had to get them to trust me which wasn’t easy because I had abandoned and hated them for so long.   In learning to love and nurture them, I learned to love and nurture the adult me.

I had to grieve.  I had to let the tears flow freely.  As long as I was carrying around all of the rage, hurt and self-hatred, I had no room for self-love.  Grieving was the longest part of the process of recovery from incest.  I had so many tears hidden inside of me—tears of rage, tears of hurt, tears of sadness, tears from abandonment, tears from neglect, tears from the physical pain of incest, tears from the emotional abuse, tears of hatred, tears of self-hatred.  My fear of allowing myself to grieve was that once I started to cry, I would never stop.  I went to 12-Step meetings and cried for over a year before the tears started to slow down.  Looking back, I don’t know why I was so afraid to cry.  As a child, I was told that crying was a sign of weakness.  I was determined to be strong so I couldn’t cry, at least not in front of anyone else.  The truth that I found out was that tears are cleansing and healing.  The flood of tears that came out of me left room for joy and laughter to come back into my life.

As a child, I wasn’t taught any of the things that I learned in those 12-Step meetings.  I wasn’t taught self-worth by my parents.  I doubt that they were taught self-worth either.  I have found out with a little bit of genealogy research that abuse in many different forms has been a generational thing in my family.  Rage, domestic violence, alcoholism, incest, family secrets have all come down my family lines for several generations.  The present generation can stop the abuse from damaging any more children.

I was easily controlled by my abusers when I was a child because I wasn’t taught that I had any value except as a sex toy for men.  My dad wasn’t my only abuser but he was my main abuser.  Because he was my parent, he is the one that I have the most issues with.  His betrayal was the worse. 

I never learned, as a child, that I had the ability or the right to say “No” to my abusers.  They were adults who had all the authority to tell me to do whatever they wanted.  My parents told me to respect all adults and to do as I was told.  Please teach your children that they can say “NO” to anything that doesn’t feel right to them, to anything that feels uncomfortable to them.  Children can say “NO” to any kind of touch or attention that they don’t like.  And tell them you will believe them.

I was afraid to tell anyone about the incest when I was a child and even when I was a young adult.  I was afraid that I would be blamed for the incest or called a liar.  I know many of you can relate to this fear.  I was also afraid that my mother would shoot my dad and kill him if she believed me.  If she shot him, she would be arrested and my siblings and I would be left without parents and it would have been my fault.  Today I know none of this was my fault but as a child, I believed that it was all my fault.

Because I didn’t have any self-worth, I went along with what my abusers wanted and kept the secrets of incest.  I was silent until I was 38 years old and found 12-Step meetings.  When I heard other Adult Children talking about the abuse of alcoholism and drugs, I decided it was safe for me to talk about the incest.  In talking about my own incest issues, other Adult Children felt free to start to talk about their own issues from sexual abuse. 

In opening the door for myself, I opened the door for other incest survivors to be able to speak about and heal their own issues with incest.  Now I share my experiences with incest and with healing and recovery on my blog “Spiritual Journey Of  a Lightworker”.  Talking about your abuse and your healing from abuse is not only okay but it is a necessary step to take if you are going to stop any more children from being abused.  I have taken this step in my own life.  I hope you will take this step in your own life.  Secrets can harm you and your children.

Patricia Singleton is a 58 year old incest survivor who chooses to share her journey through incest and recovery by writing the blog Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker and by participating in the blogs of other survivors. She calls herself a Lightworker due to the healing that she has accomplished in her own life and because of the ripple effect that her healing has on others. By sharing, she hopes to light the way for others in their own healing. She has a passion for others to know that healing and recovery is possible and necessary if we are to protect our children from being abused.

Patricia is a wife, grandmother and so much more. Today, Patricia loves life and is thriver, which is so much better than just surviving.


37 response to "Self-Worth Gives You Ability To Say No by Patricia Singleton"

  1. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 8th November 2010

    Fi, Breaking the silence of incest was definitely when I started to heal as well. Someone once told me we are all as sick as our secrets. Telling gives us our personal power back.

  2. By: Fi MacLeod exNicholson Posted: 8th November 2010

    It’s only through breaking my silence and telling those terrible secrets that I’m able to begin to heal. While maintaining those secrets I could not heal. The secrets were killing me on the inside. Now I’m finding freedom each time I speak out about some aspect of the abuse I experienced. Telling takes the power out of those dark sordid secrets.

  3. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 7th November 2010

    Angela, my heart hurts for the little girl that you were. My own memories of incest start when I was 11 years old. You are not and never were to blame for the rape or the kidnapping. Those two men were.

    I am so glad that you are finally able to break the silence about the abuse that happened to you. Please find someone safe and continue to talk and cry and grieve until all of that bitterness, rage and hurt is out of you.

    I didn’t realize that sarcasm was destructive when I was first doing it. Nobody told me it was. Most of the time they laughed. Most of the time it was directed at my husband who didn’t deserve the put-downs. Sarcasm, for me, was a way to make me feel better at the expense of someone else. I really had to pay attention to the words coming out of my mouth before I could change them.

    You can use sarcasm as a way to put yourself down before others can too. I didn’t do that much but I have seen others do it. It is all tied into the self-hatred and has to change if you want to heal.

    I am glad to use the gift of words that was a talent I was born with to be able to reach out to others. Thank you for sharing a part of my journey. Together we can heal.

  4. By: Angela Posted: 7th November 2010

    I had never thought of sarcasm being a destructive weapon before. I’m often sarcastic, but didn’t realize that it is a way for me to express my anger and rage, unfortunately on those that I love. I was kidnapped and raped by two men when I was 11 yrs old. My mom was a single mother raising two children on her own, and worked late nights as a waitress, so she never even knew that I was missing. It went on for hours, finally letting me go, with threats of killing myself and my family if I ever told. It took me twenty years to break my silence, but by then, so much damage had already been done. I blamed myself because that night I had worn make up for the first time. I dissociated during the rape, seperating for the first time from my body, and since then, that has been my escape when the memories overwhelm me. I developed an eating disorder in high school, eventually being hospitalized in my forties. I was near death, and filled with self hatred and loathing. I’ve attempted suicide three times since that hospitalization, and spent too much time on psych wards. I’m finally learning to grieve and to have compassion for the little girl that I was. Patricia, your post moved me to tears because I’m just now coming to many of those same realizations. Thank you for sharing your journey!

  5. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 7th November 2010

    Carol, what a beautiful comment. Thank you. Helping others heal faster and with less resistance than I did is exactly why I write about my healing experiences on my blog. I bet that Darlene will say the same for herself. Some of our journeys were slower because the resources either weren’t there or we didn’t know they were.

  6. By: carol Posted: 7th November 2010

    thank you patrica for your encouragement and openess about how you overcame and your road to healing. these blogs on here have given me so much insight to how ohters dealt with similar stuff. it varies in timespan but there definitely seems to be a route to happiness.
    i hope those following behind me, like ii am following you, will gain healing faster as we show them how the past twines itself around our present denying us our future. thank you all

  7. By: Lisa Posted: 7th November 2010

    Krissy, I have found a website for a local counseling center and I will call them on Monday to find out what services they offer. I am sorry for all you are going through and I hope you continue to get the help you need.

  8. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 7th November 2010

    Krissy, thank you for reaching out to Lisa and offering your compassion, understanding and possible resources for her. I have been blessed to have not married into a physically abusive relationship. I easily could have if the first young man that I dated had asked me to marry him. There was some small amount of physical abuse during the few dates that we had. I chose to overlook it because I thought I was “in love” with him. He thought about asking me to marry him. He told me so but for whatever reason, he didn’t ask me. Thank God. I would have said yes and would have become a battered wife. He and my dad took an instant hate/dislike of each other. You could feel the jealousy between the two of them. I believe they recognise the darkness within each of them, the likenesses.

    I have to ask you and you don’t have to answer me but are you sure that you didn’t just disconnect from the trauma of being “raped daily” as you put it? Disconnecting or not remembering is how many of us deal with rape in our early years. I would think that the “daily rape” and the way it made you feel influenced your present relationship of abuse by your husband.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.