Prince Charming was a Murder Suspect

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Emotional Healing, Mental Health Recovery

When we are not heard as children, then naturally we learn that we are not important enough to be heard. Every action has a reaction. Having no voice ~ not being heard~  naturally results in having lower self esteem.  Trying to accept that I had no voice which equals having no value is not a very healthy place to be mentally but as a child I had no choice in how I arrived at those conclusions.  

Believing that I didn’t count and actually accepting that I was not heard lead me to many unhappy places and resulted in many depressions, low self esteem, relationship struggle and trust issues. I made choices based on what I believed about myself as a result of accepting that I did not have equal value to others.

When I was in my early twenties, I met a really charming and extremely good looking young man who I would say I had a “red flag” feeling about right from the start. I ignored it.  He was working with the security team in the major hospital that I worked in.  He told me that he was a city police officer who had been laid off due to cutbacks.  Everyone knew about the cutbacks so I had no problem believing that.  I started to date him.

I was pretty messed up about the guy that I had just broken up with because I found out he was cheating on me and I used my pain over that relationship as an excuse to ignore the red flags that I was getting over this new one. And this handsome man said he was a cop… which for some unknown reason in my mind made some sort of difference when it came to trust. By the time I thought about escaping this relationship, I needed police assistance. My beautiful boyfriend wasn’t a cop or anything else he pretended to be. He was a compulsive liar and a murder suspect.

So what on earth made me ignore those red flags that I got from the very beginning?

It is a natural progression to go from believing that I am not worth being heard, to going on to have self doubts such as not believing in my own feelings and not listening to myself; no one else was listening to me either. Can the majority be wrong? Eventually I started to ignore my own feelings… telling myself that my feelings are wrong. And pretty soon I was also ignoring danger signals, because I must be wrong about those too. Although I had trust issues in general, not trusting myself is an entirely different problem then not trusting others. Survivors are groomed not to trust themselves.

I was taught in the cycle of abuse to discount my own feelings. Then I was taught to discount myself and my value. Then I naturally accepted that I didn’t deserve a love relationship that was mutually beneficial, fulfilling or even safe.  Remember that this was a coping method. We are not at fault for accepting that we are not valued. I accepted it as a way of surviving. I was just trying to make sense of my life. It is much easier for a child to decide that he or she is “wrong” than it is for a child to decide that the “all powerful” adults are wrong. If we decide that the adults are wrong, where does that leave us? (Abandoned, rejected and even more alone then we already are. When we blame ourselves, we convince ourselves that we have a chance, ie: I can be better.)

If you combine the facts that I had learned to discount myself and my feelings and I had learned to ignore all my intuition with the fact that I learned to accept the false definition of love, it is understandable that I ignored the red flags that I got when I met an attractive man who just happened to be a compulsive liar and a murder suspect. I was flattered that he was interested in me. At the same time I had learned to be thrilled by danger. (abuse grooms you for that too) I only wanted to see that he seemed to be this dream come true kind of guy, very attentive, soft spoken, a real knight in shining armor and prince charming type and I believe that he would sooth my aching heart and he was “the one” who would take me away from all this. (and that was exactly what he had in mind too except that it involved my death) It wasn’t long before he was telling me all his hurts and problems I went from the “treasure” to the emotional hostage, but it was too late. I thought I could love him enough to take his hurt away and then I would be the “treasure again.  Isn’t that what I had been trying to do with the people in my life that had taught me that I was unworthy?

On this journey to emotional healing, I had to undo all of the past false belief systems and coping methods and survival modes, in order to get my life and myself back. I had to learn NOT to discount danger signs and my own feelings, intuition and emotions.  

Today I don’t ignore those red flags because I successfully re wired my belief system. I don’t believe that I deserve less than anyone else. I am no longer attracted to danger therefore I no longer discount my intuition. I don’t believe that I am the answer to someone else’s pain, OR that they are the answer to mine.

The follow up to this post with the actual story is here: Dangerous Men, Red Flags, Victim Mentality.

I welcome your comments and contributions as always,

Darlene Ouimet

related post ~ Emotional Healing and the will to go forward

                         Self worth, where does it come from?

51 response to "Prince Charming was a Murder Suspect"

  1. By: Kim Vazquez Posted: 14th November 2010

    Oh Darlene… thank you, thank you for continuing to highlight the journey to self love so eloquently. I also learned to discount my feelings and I devalued myself for the men I was with. With each man it got worse. I went from putting a gun in a man’s hand and telling him to go ahead and kill me, to finding another man so brilliantly abusive that I wanted to kill myself rather than leave him.

    Breathe in, breathe out. What a journey. I just love what you offer here Darlene. Such insight. You are a gift.

  2. By: Susan Posted: 13th November 2010

    Nadia; me too. What I discovered as I began this healing journey is that I had no sense of self; that my “self” was not allowed to develop and grow. Part of my learning to set boundaries and all that goes with a clear sense self was to find “me” – I did that by starting to ask myself what I liked and didn’t like. It was at first intimidating because my own wants/likes/dislikes had been denied and I was shaped to believe only what others said I was. But after I started doing it – it became really kind of fun! In time I found the strength in doing this that made it easier to begin to set those healthy boundaries when in the past I would have thought “I need to set a boundary” but been to afraid to do so. Finding “me” – like you said – was core to being able to say “no”. thanks for sharing Nadiah. Your note caused me to think about this in a way I’ve not done for awhile.

  3. By: nadia noor Posted: 13th November 2010

    Now-although not always, but definetly more of…

    no = me = yes to healthy beliefs, people

  4. By: nadia noor Posted: 13th November 2010

    I was groomed by abusers, because I had no ‘no’ in me.
    One of the worst abuses my parents acted out on me was to time and time again to overstep, ignore, walk over and crush my boundaries, -until I felt boundary-less.
    No ‘no’ = no me = abuse

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 13th November 2010

      Naida,
      This is what happens, but not because you had no “no” ~ because you had no power as a child to say no. We are taught compliance. We are foreced into giving up our “no” until we don’t know the word anymore. I got my “me” back. I got my “no” back to, and so can you. I am so glad you are here; thank you for sharing your heart.
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Jenny Posted: 12th November 2010

    Darlene,

    That post was like we were just kicking back having a conversation about our past. WOW, I had the same intuitive reaction and red flag dismissal about my daughter’s father. I could have saved myself and her so much pain had I avoided him. I actually remember asking god about him and receiving a message I chose to ignore. You are once again amazingly on target. It just blows my mind that we all have so much in common…the abuses may not be all the same but the results are indeed identical. We share the same scars and aftermatth of these abuses we suffered. I actually had a real sense of calm and assurance when I read this one. After all of these years I feel like I am finally able to be honest with myself. I used to deny my own needs and wants, I wasn’t true to myself. I know I will be tested on this but I feel confident that I will slow down and listen to my voice because it is always always right, because when I listen to myself I am honoring my value as a person and I am chosing what is right for me. Thank you for the powerful message…

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th November 2010

      Hi Jenny,
      Isn’t it interesting that we all have such similar scars and beliefs (aftermath) from abuse? I find it so profound because likely 80% or more of us are like this, (and victims are taught to teach others to keep quiet ~ mostly all without specific words) and we kept it a secret, thinking we were different, thinking we were the ones that were damaged and not good enough, and doing something wrong. And that is exactly what the abusers wanted. To keep us thinking we were alone, different, the only one who felt this way so it must be “wrong”. But here we are! exposing the truth, busting through that fog and helping each other heal! thank you for this reply Jenny, this kind of reply keeps me going forward with my purpose and my passion for sharing this message!
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Sarah Smith Posted: 10th November 2010

    Susan, I wanted to get back to you – you asked “how many?” on my list….maybe it was 20….I highlighted a few in my book – the “bad” ones that society would easily recognize as abusive or down right illegal. But in reality, the abuse happens time and time again. If you count all the times I went out actually LOOKING for abuse, as it had become such habit that I sought it out for entertainment and ‘pleasure’ then the list becomes so long it’s uncountable. This really makes me sad, so I have to return to my theme for today – gratitude. It was in an act of terrible assault that my early system fell apart, and in falling apart I created a new “me” for the public world. This new “me” has enabled me to lead a productive and somewhat fulfilling life. I am grateful today for whatever it is in me that finds the strength to keep going, to keep getting better, and to keep loving.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 30th November 2010

      Hi Everyone,
      For some strange reason Sarah can’t publish her comments on this post so I offered to publish them for her:

      Darlene

      Here is what Sarah from http://www.darksouls-thebook.com has to share today:
      This post is so apprpriate and so spot on. I was recently having a discussion with a colleague about Red Flags and said. If we can see the red flags then why do we choose to ignore them. Her reply was because the “green ones” are far more appealing. We had both been out with lying psychopaths. Often these people are charming and if like myself you have grown up in a dysfunctional childhood when it comes to trusting our intuition me may choose to selectively ignore the red flags that are right in front of us. Also if we end up in a relationship as I did with a psychopathic narcissist I was left with the feeling that so many abused childhood victims are left with that in some ways it felt comfortable being around him. Just like “home” and yet on a conscious level it all felt completely wrong.

      First of all many of us are so ignorant about these types of personalities in the first place, But once we become educated when we start to realise what we have been dealing with and step out of denial, faced with hard evidence and facts we may also start to realise that their our own family of origin has the very same traits that the person we have been dating or conned by and a cognitive dissonance starts to develop partly due to denial. We don’t want to believe it. So we make up for it by pretending its not true.

      Also on an unconscious level we have a little flashing neon sign that these predators can see and we cannot that says “come and get me”. And as a result usually based on our childhood stuff as well want to blame ourselves and say its all our own fault that it happened which makes even more excuses for the abusers behaviour. The other thing is we want to make things right by trying to fix them up instead of fixing up our own issues that would be for example why would we have such low self and so on. Its a bit like the slot machine syndrome that George Simon talks about whereby we invest so much in the one armed bandit we are hoping for a payout someday.

      However the healing process can be long and difficult and very painful for some especially when we leave those old beliefs behind.

      Not only do we realise that everything about the relationship was a lie or a façade we may also start to realise that everything else we held dear was a lie too. This has a knock on effect on our healing process.

      1. we are grieving the loss of the liar, narcissistic, sociopathic person (fill in the gap) whom never even existed in the first place.
      2. we are coming to terms with the fact that our own family of origin were a façade too.
      3. we are grieving over the loss of their own identity because they feel that their own childhood was a lie too.

      Therefore as a result we may then slip back into denial again which is why many of us will not believe it when people tell us things like “Prince Charming is a murderer and so on”.
      Once we accept that Prince Charming is not prince charming at all and that he’s probably the prince of Darkness. Once we accept that our lives were not all fairy tales when were were children and stop telling everyone our childhood was “OK” and it was “Alright”. and acept that it was probably more like show white and the wicked witch, or worse. Once we stop trying to replay our childhood horror movie in the hope that it will turn out into a fairy tale by re-enacting it out with the same characters from childhood we finally learn to grow up.
      Once we learn to switch all that “stuff” off a new kind of adult awareness kicks in. We step out of denial, we become empowered and change our upside down map or belief system about ourself and we can start to see the wood for the trees and move away from a relationship of inevitable harm. The red flags become flashing beacons and the little neon sign our head starts to dim so we attract less and less dysfunctional people or at least can spot them before they spot us. ”
      Sarah

  7. By: carol Posted: 10th November 2010

    lisa,
    im glad that we are helping you become aware and raising your understanding, that is always a good thing and if it can be done safely for her it might give the same release it gives us adults, that she can be heard and validated. again it can help others to speak out earlier and getting the school to promote awareness n education is a brillant way of lessening the backlash she might have gone through otherwise.
    hope you and your family find the support an help you need, big hugs

  8. By: Lisa Posted: 9th November 2010

    Thank you so much Darlene for allowing this discussion on your site.
    And to all you ladies, thank you for the feedback…. I lack the sounding board/support network in life to ask this anywhere really for some feedback like this.

    Shanyn your idea for the school… wow, inspiring. Next year is junior high, that is why I keep telling her the risks and negatives, but she is wanting to do it, and respects my desire to have an alias or even a voice changer. Intend to get her into her therapist, even though she ‘graduated’, lol for a neutral assessment so to speak.

    Carol, that was another thought I had too… her speaking out, although it may be the first time a kid has… the breaking the silence on the adult level just kinda started too… so maybe her hope to encourage other kids to be brave and speak up would be a good thing to helping the weak and timid?

    Linda, that too is exactly my thought… if I allow it, I am also a part of whatever ramifications it has on the rest of her life. Of course, the details would never be shared, it would just be some ad that promotes awareness and education and speaking out I think.

    Finally, in regards to my original concerns from other things I have read about abuse making us more vulnerable to predators, etc. I also understand that they seek out the ones they know won’t tell… doing this ad wouldn’t necessarily attract more predators perhaps???

    Thank you for your support here.

    Christina, the feeling of not being qualified to protect her put it into words for me too… I was able to protect her once I knew, but it happened in the first place, grrr. Like the idea of encouraging her to write too.

  9. By: ivy Posted: 9th November 2010

    yes thoz red flags r invisible wen he talks. my husband i was blindd by. he says blood comes 1st and wev been 2gether for 24 yrs. theyr very predjudisd and me being native. well u can imagine. they r condemning me for attending to my birthfather. we had been estrangd for years. but i 4gav him the moment i heard he was so sick. stage 4 bowel cancer. i spent the last 4 weeks of his life caring for him. im his only daughter, of cors i went 2 him.my inlaws say he gav me nothing all his life. material things rnt important. i wantd love. i wantd a dad my whole life. my mom remarried wen i was a baby. my stepdad never treatd me like he did his own kids (my 1/2 brother/sister were very lucky, my sister and i would always be standing on the outside lookin in. never invited 2 play. my father drank a lot so we wernt close. i dont drink myself. my husband says he stiks up 4 me but iv never heard him.all iv heard is wtf r u doing there? wen r u coming home? i had no control over wen my father passd but they think i do.and i wasnt going 2 leav him wen its my place 2 be there.i helpd my inlaws a lot wen my father n law passed. they couldnt let me be. the nite be4 my father passed i got a call from them demanding i com hom & tak care of my husband. hes 48 yrs old he can take care of himself. it got super ugly. my husband had a racial slur in the end. yes im a f-ing indian. yes im on a reservation. im not leaving. i had been by my dads side the last 3 days of his life, sleeping propd up against his bed railing. watching him closely coz hes so old school never admitting hes in pain. i had 2 giv him meds every 2 hours. i was a walking zombie. i couldnt eat. i gav up after that fonecall. im gona go too, the rivers right there. itd be so easy. im only an f-ing indian. oh god my pain was immense but my dads was more. i hated 2 see him like that. everytime he had 2 be moved the pain was immense. he died the next day. i walkd him thru it. it was beautiful. he just fell asleep. wen i saw my husband i just flipd out on him. how dare he?? well now my husband says, blood comes 1st. his brother shaun says he remembers the wedding vows i said. mmhmm my husband doznt. hes standing behind his family. leaving me there by myself. he let them berate me. saying nothing. they think i hav phyclogical issues coz i get so mad. i get mad coz my husband doznt support me. now they all sneer at me. but i fixd them. its calld call block. mark says my father gav me nothing. he gav me love. he gav me a daddy. he gav me his strength so im walking away. but with my head held high coz i didnt do anything wrong. red flags? yes thoz wer invisible. theyr waving fiercly now. my crime. taking care of my dieing father. his family wants 2 see material items. well he willd me all his belonging + house but its from a reservation they say & sneer. they look down at me but im not on the ground. im standing here straight/tall and saying, i dont look down on people unless im helping them up. i will not pay u any mind watsoever. iv got a couple applications for work. im paying off our bills/ finish this house. sell it then walk away. therz no reason 2 stay if im a f-ing reserv indian. my husbands words r so endearing…now he crys but i dont want u 2 leave. thats not wat i hear…i hear- u f-ing lil indian you.standing there saying nothing wen theyr screaming at me. he was so smug too wen my step dad was calling him a nice guy. giving me heck for getting mad at marks lack of support. i saw him smile. ahhh he enjoys seeing me get hell??? he will blame his family for losing another girl. but that smug look…he can blame himself. he choz them.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 9th November 2010

      Thanks everyone for the great feedback on Lisa’s question. I appreciate all the opinions and sharing. This is becomming a wonderful community!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Ivy and Welcome
      Wow you have been lot with all of this, but I like how you are so positive and that you have made your decision to stand strong. =)
      We all deserve to be equally valued ~ we are all equally valuable as human beings! Thank you for your share here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Linda D Posted: 9th November 2010

    I do not think it’s a good idea for a child to go public on the radio about her sexual abuse. It is something that could backfire and once it is done it can’t be undone. It is something she might regret doing later. I would wait until she is older – at least 18.

    Just my thoughts.

    Linda D

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