Passive Abuse and Emotionally Dysfunctional Relationship

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psychological abuse and neglect
Stone Cold and Distant by Azelinn

One of my mother’s complaints was always that my father was “the hero” in my eyes. She said that I never criticised him and I acted as though he was “perfect”; that he left our family and then he made a new life for himself, but that none of us kids ever found any fault with him; only with her. She said that he got off “scot free” and she got stuck being the “bad guy.”

And even here on my blog, “Emerging from Broken” I have been pretty easy on him.  But recently, inspired by fresh pain that my father has caused me, I realized it is time to write more about my father and the lack of contribution that he made to my life.

My father never “saw” me. He never tried to get to know me. He didn’t seem to hate me, he didn’t seem to resent me, he never called me names like stupid or ugly and he didn’t hit me, but the thing is that he didn’t really do the opposite of those things either.  He never saw me as a person. He was emotionally unavailable. It is as though I didn’t have a father. 

I have come to realize that my father is a passive abuser. One definition of passive abuse is hurting a child with a lack of interest, a lack of communication all of which is neglectful and discounting. There is a message that this behaviour sends the child and I was that child. I got the message. And I realize that the way that he disregards me has always defined me as not enough and it has defined me as unlovable and unworthy.

Really seeing and accepting the truth about my father and our dysfunctional father daughter relationship (or lack of father daughter relationship) this past two years or so has made it difficult for me to want to deal with him since I began to stand up to other abusers in my life. My father seemed so “nice” that I had trouble putting my finger on what to stand up to him about

I have told him several times over the years that he doesn’t listen to me or to my children. He admitted it, and promised to change but nothing changes. He phones to talk about his own life. He sometimes questions expressing interest, such as “how is school?” or “how is the farm” But then he interrupts the answers as they remind him of his own stories, and that he has a better story to tell.  So he interrupts ~ he cuts everyone off in the middle of a sentence. This is very discounting. It tells a story of its own. My children feel frustrated by him. This is the way it has been for me my whole life. His actions towards me defined me as having nothing interesting to say; that there was nothing about me or about my life that would be of interest to him. I was uncomfortable having my children defined the same way.

Recently I told my father that we don’t really have a relationship and I told him again how I feel about his lack of interest in my life and in the lives of my children and my family. He says he cares but his actions PROVE that he doesn’t. He said that he loves me. He said that he loves all five of his children the same. (I wonder what he means by that.)

He apologized profusely. (Which is where the confusion always comes in; If he is sorry, I want to believe that he is sorry, but the action is always missing.) He even followed up with an email apology with just a little bit of justification in it, (which I was willing to overlook) and out of hope, I engaged and replied back with more explanation; I tried harder to explain my feelings, about our failed relationship. I wanted to make sure that he understood what I was saying. I wanted him to realize that this was not the first time I had told him.  I gave him examples of what he does and how it makes me feel. I wanted him to HEAR me.

For about an hour I allowed myself the hope that we might be able to salvage something and possibly repair our relationship. I really believe he heard me this time. I believed he was sorry. I thought/hoped he might even want to try to work it out with me. About an hour later, in response to my continued explanation, he sent an excuse. He said I had misunderstood him about one little point. Just one excuse for one point about the whole conversation, as though that is all that it would take, as though I had made an error in this one tiny part of the whole picture of my life without a father. As though his pointing out that (in his view) I had misunderstood this one little thing that proved that I was wrong about everything.  

It was his excuse for not trying with me. It was his out, his way of telling himself that it is really my fault that we don’t have a relationship and not his.

And I was stunned.  

In that one single moment, all hope of restoring any kind of father daughter relationship, whooshed down the drain. Just like that. My father isn’t capable of loving me. My father is never going to see me for who I am.

His lame little fault finding scrap of defence translated to my feelings; it felt as though he had said:

~ “you think I want to work on it? Oh sorry, you misunderstood. I just want to be right. I just                      want you to know that you are wrong. I don’t want to be bothered to actually have to DEAL with this.  I don’t want to have to try with you. You are not worth it.”

I have never been worth it to him. I have never been worth the effort that it would take for my emotional unavailable father to listen to me. He defined me a certain way and he will never see me for who I am, but that doesn’t hurt as much as the fact that he STILL does not want to see who I am. I have never had enough value (to him) to interest him in making any kind of effort. I take too much energy, I take too much space. I am just not worth whatever it would take for my passive abusive father to have a real father daughter relationship with me.

I wondered for years what I did, what I had done to cause him to forget about me when my parents got divorced.  It didn’t dawn on me that he was really not present before they got divorced. He never noticed me BEFORE they got divorced. It didn’t dawn on me that the defect was his and not mine.  His actions don’t define me, they define him.

And you know what? It took me years to realize that his actions define him and not me. It also took me most of my life to realize that I am so worth the effort that he didn’t bother to give me. I am not the one that is at fault in this dysfunctional father daughter relationship. I am not the one that failed and I am not the one that deserves to be treated with such utter disregard. This loss is his loss, not mine. I never had a functional relationship with my father in the first place.

Exposing Truth, one snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet

~For definitions of neglect and abuse click here to see the U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services page

also see ~ Seeking Valadition and Understanding from the wrong people 

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

193 response to "Passive Abuse and Emotionally Dysfunctional Relationship"

  1. By: dory Posted: 16th June 2014

    My take is that your mother couldn’t get any better with a husband who was relatively detached emotionally. The best she could do was get divorced from the man who passively pulled her down. Did she get any better after the divorce?

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th June 2014

      Dory,
      My mother was different after the divorce, yes… but in many respects things got worse! She was happier I think but she ignored us way more; She had men over all the time, she took me to bars when I was underage where married men hit on me… I could go on but much of it is already written in the pages of this site.
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Beth Posted: 12th June 2014

    I never had a father! My mother left my father and divorced him before I was born. She then married three other men that were abusive physically, emotionally, and otherwise! She stayed married to my last step-father for 40 years and he was the one who passively abused me. He would only speak to me if I spoke first, but only some times; some times he didn’t speak at all. He never tried to get to know me or be there for me in any way.
    He had his own daughter that he supported for 58 years. His daughter lived with him and my mother for 39 years of their 40 year marriage, before they both died.
    It is so screwed up that I still can’t wrap my head around it!

  3. By: Marie Posted: 12th June 2014

    It does really hurt girls that the people who are supposed to love you the most, hurt you the most- Its fathers day this sunday and the first one where i have broken contact with him. The sad thing is that the relief i am feeling with my so called ‘family’ out of my life is phenomenal. I always felt like a fake around them because we could never talk about the truth.

  4. By: Marie Posted: 12th June 2014

    ”My father never “saw” me. He never tried to get to know me. He didn’t seem to hate me, he didn’t seem to resent me, he never called me names like stupid or ugly and he didn’t hit me, but the thing is that he didn’t really do the opposite of those things either. He never saw me as a person. He was emotionally unavailable. It is as though I didn’t have a father. ”

    That paragraph sums up the father/daughter ”relationship” I had with an emotionally closed ”father” who was always ”busy”. Money was no object to him but sitting down and having a conversation was like trying to get blood from a stone! He never called me- the only time he did was when i was about to disclose the abuse from the uncle and Mother started to panic and forced him to call he to ‘arrange a nice day out together”, I am in my early 40s, this never happened before that… This year is the first year without any contact with ‘them’ , Last fathers day i purchased some aftershave for him which he told me smelt disgusting and he would not use it- i felt so hurt by his comments, regardless of whether he liked it or not, i would never say that to someone. It was expensive and i made the effort to be dismissed again by him. I feel empowered this year by breaking free from them and will save my money this year or treat myself to something nice.

  5. By: Light Posted: 23rd April 2014

    Thank you Darlene, for your support and kind words. Some days I really hold onto words of support here as tight as I can! I’m glad you see my motives….I feel a lot of guilt over my anger and not always expressing it respectfully. It’s not right, but I think it is understandable. I have been pushed to the limit with years and years of silence, obfuscation, lies, “don’t want to talk about it”, denial, and outright support for the passive and active abusers…while I am being rejected. My family definitely doesn’t want to talk about it.

    I don’t recall if I said this, and gave you my support, but I am so glad that your daughter has recovered. That sounds like such a relief and a scary experience to go through for you and your family.

  6. By: marquis (female) Posted: 23rd April 2014

    Agreed. I never heard my parents talking about the life experiences they had and learned from them (which was nothing), but they talk about things and have nothing to back up from. My dad’s way is to screw people over, which he has done in his previous jobs – and threaten them. He has no remorse about it either. My mom only worked a little bit here and there quit because he was messing around with another woman that he illegally married.

    She talks about jobs like she’s had one all of her life, she is talking about how jobs worked in the 60s-70s and said different economy! She has zero work skills how can she speak about the dos and don’ts about a job when she don’t care to have one? She mooches off my dad’s income his social security and his assets from his ex employer.

    So yea, when it comes to their childhoods, only heard very few things about it and the rest is silent! People have gotten mad at me because “I don’t know them,” hell, they don’t know us either!

  7. By: DXS Posted: 23rd April 2014

    Honestly, we don’t know very much about our “parents” or “lack of a family on both sides.” There’s a lot of lies and secrets yet nobody wants to be honest, so why do we have to call them “family?” It’s funny, how people out there want to be so politically correct because they are blood related, how many times are they gonna using that lame argument? Proves they don’t have a real, valid argument to argue with me or any other survivor about.

    This describes 90% of the families I see. They are all “faking it.” I’ve only met ONE family that I felt was honest and everyone could be what they needed to be.

  8. By: marquis (female) Posted: 23rd April 2014

    Lol! That woman was so freakin fussy! She did say if you ask me about my baggage, watch out. I knew her life wasn’t all that perfect like she claimed to be. I studied her nonverbal communication and told her I was, she kinda looked nervous. I guess she didn’t like how I was questioning a parents’ parenting skills/style and said a lot of them need to be questioned. The stuff she said I asked her what kind of parent are you? She didn’t like that! I told her if you’re saying my parents did us a favor yet you clearly said they were not nurturing at all and the home life is abusive; then you smack my folder saying they are still your parents regardless. Which is it? If they are still the parents regardless, then there should be nurturing, right?

    Lol I got her in a bind and when I said you parents don’t seem to have a clue what parenting means she cut me off saying I am so offended and showed her a box of tissue saying don’t let me stop you! I said tell the truth, skip the therapeutic bs and speak the truth about people like my parents – you’re not gonna hurt my feelings!

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