My Teenage Son’s Point of View ~ Unintentional Teachings from his Father

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TJB Freedom

Carla’s last post “Unintentional but Destructive ~Belief  System Inheritance” caused a bit of a stir on Carla’s personal profile page on facebook last week. Someone on her friends list took offence to her post and accused Carla of devaluing her father and being hurtful. My son is good friends with Carla and he stood up for her and for the right to state the truth by writing the following comment on Carla’s wall. He has given me permission to post it in our blog to give our readers another perspective from someone who has been through what Carla is posting about. He shares about what it was like for him to have absorbed his own father’s belief system, and then what happened when his father got help. My son is 18 and is usually quiet when it comes to how he was raised before our family Emerged from Broken. ~ Here is the comment:

TJB wrote: “I agree with the person who wrote ‘If you don’t like it, don’t read it’. We live in a free country, we aren’t Communists; we can post and say whatever we want (as long as it doesn’t break the law, hate crimes and such). Carla is only stating her opinion, much the same as you are stating your opinion saying that she shouldn’t be writing such things. I don’t understand what is so horrible in stating the faults that one grew up with?

Off the top of my head I can list multiple things that my dad fell short in: he worked too hard and expected me to do the same, he put pressure on me to be better than him the first time I did something, he told me to do things without communicating where or how he wanted them done and then gave me heck for doing it different than the way he wanted it done, and he unintentionally made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him or as good as him.

I started working on the farm from a very very young age and because of this I picked up many of the bad qualities / feeling / opinions that my father possessed. He unintentionally transferred his opinions about himself on to me, he unintentionally transferred his opinions about certain types of people on to me, and he unintentionally gave me a false belief system about myself. Since he thought he wasn’t good enough I automatically thought I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t as good as him at anything, which is obviously understandable considering it’s hard for a 4-8 year old to do things better than or even as good as his father. The only thing I was good at that he wasn’t was crawling inside machinery to take apart and fix parts that he was too big to get at but that was only because of my size not because I was actually better than him.

Many of these beliefs and habits carried on into my teenage life until my father got help and realized that the things he was doing to me were so very wrong and he started to correct the shortfalls and teach me that what he had unintentionally taught me as a child was wrong. Now you may be sitting there thinking I just tore a strip off my Father, threw him out to dry, insulted him beyond belief, and that I devalued him. That couldn’t be farther from the truth- all I did was state the short falls that my father had, just like I could state the shortfalls of my favorite band, or my favorite movie. Everything has shortfalls and nothings perfect. Just because you state shortfalls doesn’t mean that you’re devaluing something.

Despite my father’s shortfalls I love him very much and I look up to him as he has the most respect from me than any other man in my life. Since this comment is public and my father is friends with Carla he could possibly read this (I guarantee he will not take anything I have written as insulting or devaluing) just the same as Carla’s father can read her public blog. I in no way insulted or devalued my dad, just like Carla didn’t insult her father. We both simply stated the things our fathers lacked in and how they were transferred to us. I don’t believe it’s hurtful to state things like these, it’s just stating the truth. It happened and we learned from it. No matter what, parents transfer things to their children; good, bad, funny, it doesn’t matter- it gets passed on.” TJB

My husband (Jimmy B) did read TJB’s comment and wrote one of his own on Carla’s facebook page in response, affirming all that TJ has said. Jimmy also commented on my last post “Anger at Parents~ A pathway on the journey to freedom” here in the blog where you can read a bit more from the father’s perspective.

As always, your comments are welcome,

Darlene Ouimet

30 response to "My Teenage Son’s Point of View ~ Unintentional Teachings from his Father"

  1. By: Fai Posted: 26th February 2012

    I read this again. The first time I saw it as all about uncovering and sharing and healing. This time I was getting that my son under-valued his self because I under-valued me. As we are very sensitive, I have to moniter my emotional storms, which only works if I’m caring for my needs. So as I was raising my son I would pick up cues from him,quite easily,as to what he needed. Unfortunately we ran into opposition everywhere,example-buildings are often over heated,many people had a problem with him dressed in shorts. So even with therapy,things between us got very bad when he was a teen. The advice and direction we got was lousy. I was baffled,then devastated as he grew angry and frustrated. So the insight that he is suffering from my devaluation is eye-opening. I can see him in that light. He is quite capable and amazingly so socially adept. I would be baffled again when he would make a negative comment about himself. Now looking with new eyes, I can stop twisting myself up over how I’m messing him up because of my illness. Continue to make value statements to him and his wife. Listening and giving praise, while I continue to work my healing. Hope received!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th February 2012

      This is great Fai!
      Thanks for sharing! My son is 20 now and I see more than ever that the biggest difference we can make is to learn self care; treat ourselves with respect and value and not let others push us around and use our power to empower instead of disempower. My kids had a really great example of what is possible when I took my life back from the blackness of depression and a family that treated me like nothing. My kids saw how hard it was for their father to give up his position on the throne in our home… but they also saw him succeed and now they have examples of equality based relationship. They have equal value ~ we affirm that they have equal value.
      Thank you for sharing this!!!
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Renee-A Ressurected Spirit Posted: 22nd March 2011

    Patricia and Darlene, I can only hope my familiy can get past the monster under the bed. I’m afraid that when that day happens they will continue to function only on the surface because that is the only way they can. My sister told me I hurt her feelings because I mentioned that she was broken (nothing more)to my brother. When will they ever see that we are capable of being more than the lies of our parents. We all have such hidden strenghts and creative talents that are crying to be revealed! I read your son’s post and cried. He is so brave and so right! Pat to have your family read your blog, amazing! Sadly as I was appologizing to my sister I realized that it was my parents that created the monster that abused us then sat back and watched. I am a gardener to I see what carla was saying and I can see my familiy in that garden. I just can’t beleive the magnitude of distruction those two people did to us. Eleven babies set up tp fail and break, shame, shame on them!
    Renee

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