My Mother Doesn’t Love Me and the Process of Grieving

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grieving mothers loveWhen I finally drew my boundaries and make it clear to my mother that I was no longer going to accept her devaluing treatment of me, she walked away. She never called again. Oh she played her usual manipulative tricks including telling me that I could contact her “when I have thought about it” but I quickly told her that I it wasn’t up to me anymore. It was now up to her to decide if she was going to have a real relationship with me based on love, mutual respect and equal value, OR if she was going to continue to abuse me. (An option  I would no longer tolerate)

She wanted to just put the whole thing behind us and “start over” I said no and that this time I wanted to deal with it. This time I wanted my say.

She said “Oh Darlene, we have always had our differences but we have always worked them out in the past” and I responded “No Mom, in the past I have always backed down and let you have your way”. 

Always her way. Always a one sided relationship. Always her side.

That was the last time I spoke to her. I left it with her and she refused to bend. She refused to meet me half way.  She turned me down. My mother abandoned our relationship.

When I realized that she wasn’t going to contact me again, it cut me to the core.  I was rejected all over again.  By walking away from me she was saying “you are not worth it Darlene. I can’t be bothered working on having a relationship with you”

And that hurts very deeply. That is a horrible thing to realize and accept.

Not being worth it, had always been my deepest fear; I felt as though she proved I was unworthy of her love by not trying to work on our relationship.  But in reality, her actions do not make a statement about me; they make a statement about her. 

I questioned myself a million times about whether or not I had made a mistake drawing that boundary. But the alternative was just too devaluing. It was at the root of all my depressions and low self-esteem. I wasn’t going to sacrifice myself to her anymore.

The truth is that what my mother actually proved is that she either does not actually love me, or that she is incapable of healthy loving and mutually respectful relationship. (I suspect that both are true.)

I stopped using my suspicion that she was incapable of loving me or herself as the excuse to let her hurt me. There are all these “teachings” out there that when we are an example of “love” we teach love. And the truth is that I was not “being an example of love” by letting her walk all over me.  In truth I was sending her the message that she WAS more important than me and that I would accept her nasty behaviour no matter what because she was the more deserving one in our relationship. Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog.

I had lots of grieving to do. In some of the most painful times, I had an image in my minds eye of the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz screaming “I’m melting, I’m melting” because sometimes it felt as though the pain of my mother’s rejection would kill me. It felt like I was dying.  

Eventually I began to accept that this was the way it really was.  I had to reaffirm my decision that I didn’t want to live by her rules anymore. I spent months reminding myself what the alternative would be if I lifted my boundary, and reaffirming that I didn’t want to lift it because the alternative was too devaluing to me.

Although I longed for a loving relationship with my mother, I had never had one in the first place; I had no frame of reference for what I actually longed for.

Standing up for myself was empowering. It was like saying “HEY, I deserve better than what you offer” and my actions proved that I believed it.  I made giant strides in the following months towards self-esteem recovery and personal growth.

There is no good answer for the question of why my mother doesn’t love me. She just doesn’t. The truth hurts but it has also set me free. I don’t wait around anymore for approval and love from places where I will not get it. Her actions state that she will love me only if I do things the way she wants.  She will love me if I do our mother daughter relationship the way she wants.

Unconditional love towards my mother on my part no longer looks like me accepting her devaluing and abusive actions and regard towards me. Unconditionally loving my mother is only possible when I respect and love myself in the true definition of love. Relationship with my mother is not possible when the price that I pay includes sacrificing my human rights, individuality and self-esteem.

Today I am free of that false system and false definition of love! I love in truth and equality. I see myself as equally valuable to all others. My self esteem is strong and healing more all the time!

For years I missed the idea of having a loving mother. I don’t miss that idea anymore. I don’t miss what I never had either. Standing up to the dysfunctional and toxic mother daughter relationship stuff went a long way towards my process of emerging from broken.

Please share your thoughts about toxic dysfunctional mother daughter relationship stuff or any other toxic relationship stuff that this post brings up for you.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time.

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

A very hot topic post this week was  ~ Adult Children and the Skewed definition of Respect 

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1,179 response to "My Mother Doesn’t Love Me and the Process of Grieving"

  1. By: Gnomes Posted: 25th July 2018

    This article has resonated with me. It makes me feel better that I am not the only one. My father passed away when I was 16, of course my mum was devastated, we all were, but ever since then the world revolved around her and her grief – her children’s grief never was acknowledged or dealt with. I have never had a great relationship with her, she is quite demanding and manipulative. She would only have contact with me when she wanted something. Years went by, I married and had my wonderful son. One day we had a disgreement over something trivial, I stood my ground as I was tired of always giving in. This shocked her. She walked away and immediately cut me, my husband and our son out of her life. Soon afterwards I learned from my brother that she accused me of physically abusing my son. I realised then that she was a truly toxic person and that was the last straw. It has been several years and she has never contacted or sent my son (her grandson) a birthday card, present or letter. I can accept that we have no relationship, but as a mother myself I cannot grasp the concept of deleting your grandchild from your life. I know that we are better off without her nastiness and often bizarre behavior , but occasionally I grieve for the mother daughter bond that I never had.

  2. By: el Posted: 4th February 2018

    Thanks for posting. I am 65 and we seem to have the same mother. Around 7 years ago I did the “ we will have a real relationship or no relationship “ thing. She, too, disappeared. Conceptually I understand that she is a witch etc etc but I have developed debilitating illnesses and am sure it is my incurable disbelief and sadness at the fact that it is now undeniable that she does not give a hoot…

  3. By: Clair Posted: 1st December 2017

    Hi Darlene
    Thank you for sharing your story. I am currently in a whole world of pain as I took the ultimate rejection from my parents for the very last time. That door is now firmly closed.
    The list of destruction they have done to me is too long for here, but I can tell you, people are always saying to me: “you’re very hard on yourself, why do you put yourself down all the time?” and I constantly feel I’m not worth it, that I’m of low value. Why? Because I have been brought up to believe it to be true. Now? I do it part habit, but mainly indoctrination.
    You said that once you let your mum go, you started to get better with such things as self esteem. I’m in absolute devastation at this precise moment, so if you could offer any words of how I get on the esteem train, please please advise! I’ll take anything, I’m so sad.
    Thank you.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd December 2017

      Hi Clair,

      I had to really cement the truth about how I had been taught a false identity and through all of that work the truth I found got stronger. There are a ton of articles here on this site about all the little ways that I did this and also my e-book (also available here on the site) lays it out really well also. 🙂

      I totally understand the pain and sadness but there is freedom, wholeness and happiness on the other side of broken!

      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Omar Posted: 17th November 2017

    Wow…thanks for sharing that. I recently lost my mother’s love as well. I was telling her about how badly I wanted to go into business and she kept telling me about why I should stay an employee. I kept giving her reason after reason as to why I wanted to start my own business, and after every reason, she would have some rebuttal about why I should stay an employee. I got sick of the unsupportive comments and said “Mom… F*&^ you.” and I hung up. She called me back and said “I not your mother. Do not every call me again.” Then she texted me the same message and also told me to deal with my temper in a respectful manner. Since then, she’s more less stopped calling me. I do feel heart broken, but also grown up. I’m seeing that not every loves unconditionally, and they make their choices, and not even my mother’s love is unconditional. It’s her choice, not mine.

  5. By: Luciana Posted: 28th January 2017

    I’m so happy that you put this in writing! I’ve been struggling lately, as I haven’t spoken to my mother in over a year. I’m 50 years old now. Throughout my life, my mother stood there and watched my father beat me, handcuff me to the bed with 50lb weights and put a bucket next to my bed, telling me that I was a worthless animal and that’s where I would have to go to the bathroom. My mother was so afraid of my father, he was a police officer. She would wait ill he went to work and then help me carry the weights which my father attached to my feet, with chains and handcuffs and she would help me walk to the bathroom, afraid the entire time that he may come home and see us, rushing me, out fear. When I was in my 40’s, once, she cried and told me that she felt bad, but that if she would’ve called the police on him, he would still be in jail today … Well HELL YEAH, that’s where he belonged. But no … my mother allowed this to happen to me on more than one occasion!!!! My father tied a rope around my neck and dragged me through the yard, even as I lost consciousness a few times … all because I had run away out of fear from what he was doing to me all my life!!! My mother stood there and let it ALL happen, over and over! I’m 50 years old now and my mother just last year accompanied my father, who’s legally blind now, to come to my place of business and protected him and he came in with a gun to threaten me and my husband, knowing full well that my only grandchild could’ve been there that evening. That’s when I said, enough is enough! There’s so many more incident that would make you all sick to your stomach, that should’ve cause me to close that mother daughter door sooner. I questioned my decision for many months and felt so bad … almost like I was sinning. But, I’m DONE! It’s a toxic relationship, I’ve come to the realization that my mother doesn’t give A DAMN about me … and I’m OK with that now. I’m sick and tired of looking for love in that direction. It’s just NOT there! I still pray for both my parents. I still love the both. But I don’t care if I EVER see them again! They have literally BOTH killed a big part of my soul … and it’s taken me a very long time to get it back. It really sucks when the neighbors call the cops because of you screaming for your life while your dad is beating you bloody … as your mom does NOTHING … then when the cops arrive … they stand there and quietly tell you … “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do, he works with us” WTF

  6. By: Amy Posted: 27th October 2016

    Reading this gave me the strength the realize I’ve been rejected by my mother, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worth loving in general. I’m the middle child. I have an older sister and a younger brother. My younger brother was always a problem child with behavioral issues. My father gave up on trying to raise him because whenever he punished my brother, my mom would retaliate by spoiling him and shouting down my father in front of him. When my brother was old enough to cause me physical harm (and he did. Often. The last thing I can recall was him slapping me across my face when I was about 19 because I said I didn’t like a certain type of food) my mother made it clear that I was still most likely the problem. She made it no secret that my brother was the apple of her eye and my sister and I only had value as long as we agreed that he was the best. My brother has known this all his life.

    He’s 28 now. I’m 30. I’ve moved out and I’m currently living with my sister because we have a great, healthy relationship. Until I get married, I can’t see myself living with anyone else. But my brother still lives with my aging parents and I fear he’s driving them into an early grave. He refuses to work but doesn’t mind spending. He doesn’t contribute anything to the household, doesn’t help around the house, but he’s always got friends and strangers over, despite my mom asking him not to. He lays down the law in the house and while my mom complains about it from time to time, she’d rather have him with all his baggage than anyone else in the world.

    Having lived away from the toxic environment for so long, I am no longer conditioned to my brother’s abuse. I visited my family home last night for dinner and my brother relentlessly attacked me for not giving him his way on a certain matter. I stood my ground and because I told him “no” (something he is not accustomed to hearing) he verbally abused me and kicked me out of the house while my mom stood by and said nothing.

    I’ve been trying to get in touch with my mother but she refuses to speak to me. I finally heard from my dad that she’s angry with me and doesn’t want to talk to me. This is only the latest case of something like this happening. It’s always happened before when I lived at home, but I would fake an apology to my mother and she’d be happy with me again.

    But because I’m standing around and refuse to allow my brother to run my life, my mother refuses to speak to me. I fear that if I don’t play her game, she may never speak to me again.

  7. By: Kristen Posted: 15th September 2016

    Darlene, thank you for telling our stories. You didn’t mention this but Narcissistic Personality Disorder abuse and Complex PTSD is the syndrome that all of us here who share your experience need to learn about.

    This is the year I gave up on my mother entirely. I lost my father in April and made the grave mistake of truly believing that in our mutual loss she would reach out to mend the bond(that I now realize was never there) in a moment of clarity and humility. I forgave her when my sister died 15 years ago and she punished me for continuing to live – I thought it was my duty to excuse her in her grief – but I am not going to make anymore excuses for her now. It. Is. Over.

    I finally had the chance a few weeks ago to tell her what I knew about her game and her gross defect as a mother. The one thing I told her that actually sunk in as the lethal blow was when I told her I had my OWN family to love and who loves me in return and now they’re my ONLY family. Those are the only words in my 52 years that have ever had any impact on her. How telling, isn’t it?

    Again, thank you so much for having the courage and skill to articulate this pain so many of us feel. You’ve been cheated – we’ve all been cheated. But the pain stops with us and we rise from the ashes and shine for those who deserve our love and friendship.

    Bless you, my sister. Stay strong.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th September 2016

      Hi Kristen
      Thank you for your comments. Yes, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is what I find to be the best way to describe what we are healing from. You might be surprised to realize that this problem encompasses way more than “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” which is why I don’t focus on it more. My mother, although she has narcissistic tendencies when it comes to me, is not actually a true narcissist. Realizing that actually helped me in the healing process because I was able to see that she could control her behaviour and when I realized that, I realized that she could have chosen to control it when it came to me as well. So I write primarily about the misuse of power and control and the damage it causes to innocents like us.
      Thanks for sharing!
      hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Jame Posted: 11th September 2016

    I’m old enough now that I’ve been “emotionally beat up” a time or two more than I needed to realize that I just have no choice but to cut my teeth on those experiences, and learn how to “emotionally” or even “psychically” defend myself. As an empath, I can go straight into the nearest dark place simply from the shitty attitudes of strangers, but from family? Too tough.

    I STILL can get sent into a tailspin from an otherwise stellar health and self-care regimen after a bad experience with my mother. She can literally “inadvertently” give me the flu with a bad enough undermining. Recently I learned, she can STILL send me into periods where I abandon my self discipline and embark on what I consider “suidical-ish” behaviors like binging on bad food, overeating good food, abandoning my health and mental health and spiritual discipline for a brief period, trying to sleep more than I need to cope, and avoidance.

    And in spite of ALL OF THAT, I would accept far worse if I could be assured of the ROOT of her pain so that she can experience the mental and spirit healing I’ve been lucky to have found in my own path. So I go into any of these conflicts with my heart FIRST, vulnerable or not, thinking she will see once and for all my unflinching bravery and nerve in the face of abuse, and perhaps even shock herself into seeing that SHE is the unforgiveable source of it. Non-esoterically, I’ve flat out told her “there’s no shame in getting therapy, it’s really helped me in the past” which serves only to shut her up for an afternoon or less. So I’m WILLING to put even more of my own well-being in the line of fire if there were a good reason for it, if I saw that point of leverage to work my magic on her, but…. I’m just not seeing it anymore. I feel like… I am going to just turn into a brick wall any time I can see her triggers coming at me, and take the extremely hard route of not consoling people who hurt themselves and then try to use that self-hurt/self-pain to manipulate you. Sometimes the only loving choice someone leaves you is to leave them to feel the fire of their own self-hatred for a moment, or a whole day, or a week hopefully at most. Creating space for someone who is too emotionally and spiritually dumb too see what you’re giving them? Or to use it? I have no magic tricks left for this brittle old woman, older than her years with her own emotional garbage she refuses to even broach, let alone scrub clean.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th September 2016

      Hi Jame,
      Some people really don’t want to do what it takes to get go forward. One of my biggest stick points was hoping that I could be the one to help my mother. It started really young when she made it clear that our relationship was up to me. Today I realize that when I stopped putting her first she finally had a chance to make changes in her life. Prior to that, she had no motivation to change because things were the way she wanted them.
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: brokenchild Posted: 3rd September 2016

    im experiencing the same thing until now with my mom..but mine’s more terrible.. she is a drug user. never even care about me ever since. had her second family, got 5 more kids. our life is really a nightmare. even now that i have my own family she’s still managing to break and pull me down over and over again. i dont know how to walk away from her, coz walking away from her means i’ll be walking away from my siblings too. they needed me. 🙁

  10. By: Shannon Posted: 31st August 2016

    Yes, I found this site after googling “my mother doesn’t love me” and I felt like such a loser typing that sentence into the google search box. But after 45 years, I’ve finally accepted it. It’s like I have this great pain that I need to get out of my body and I’m not sure how to do it. Like I want to cut myself open from my pubic bone to my chest and just get it out. No, I am not suicidal (I am sorry for the graphic picture). Not even close. In fact, even though it is extremely painful, I feel strangely liberated and even empowered, too. To finally realize that she just DOESN’T love me. And I get to climb down off that treadmill and/or stage of approval that I was always on trying to convince her that I was lovable. I look forward to digging into this forum more deeply. I’ve never commented on nor belonged to one before (outside of Facebook). I felt like I needed a community of people who really understood. Thank you.

    • By: Michaela G Posted: 9th May 2017

      I typed the same statement into the search bar and felt the same feeling as well. I’m only 19 and it’s hitting me so hard now that she doesn’t love me. I’ll be 20 in 4 days (on mother’s day) and I think that’s irony. A very important Milestone in my life and that’s why it’s hitting me so hard now. I haven’t talked to her since I was 13 and getting out of a mental hospital. It hurts. I feel like I’m living wrong because I don’t know how a young lady or a grown woman is supposed to act. I have no reference except for the plethora of girlfriends my dad has brought home over the years. I miss something I’ve never had.

      • By: GSena Posted: 13th July 2017

        Michaela
        I’m very sorry about you and your mom. Just want to tell you that is not you and is her. You are worth of being love so much. I have a mom that loves herself so much and everyone else but me. I know how you feel. But I can find comfort knowing that is God who loves me and cares for me. A God that says: “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord cares for me” and I believe it. It’s true!! And is I’m God that I found true value of whom I am and how much He loves me unconditionally with out reserves. And He loves you too. For Him you are His daughter, His precious treasure. The Apple of His eye. Hugs to you dear Michaela.

    • By: Sarah Posted: 13th August 2017

      Hi Shannon
      Your post really touched me.
      I’m 39, and in the same situation .
      People don’t understand how hard it is.
      I’m trying so hard to mend and move on.
      I’m angry that I’m having to try so hard to fix myself because my mum doesn’t love me.
      It just seems so strange, that in a world like ours, our mums are who we need to protect ourselves from
      I hope u are finding peace.
      🙂

  11. By: Peggy Posted: 22nd July 2016

    As I read your story, I was thinking to myself, God I am not the only one feeling this way. My mother is a mean, nasty women. Who has never shown me love. I have told her I love her through out the years and she doesn’t say it back. She never hugs me. I feel I am incapable of loving, yet I am such a loving person. I crave it but don’t get it. Today, I was outside playing with the kids and my sister and my mom argued. As I can in to see what the problem was, my sister said I am not taking her shit anymore. I said what happened and my other sister said mommy was saying calling you ugly names and saying nasty things about you and Evelyn my sister who left. Stood up for you. I said why was mommy saying these things about me, she said I don’t know she came out of her room saying these things. I didn’t understand why I hadn’t done anything, I hadn’t even seen her yet. My mom comes out of her room and starts saying nasty things about my sister who left and defended me. I asked her why was she saying these things and she basically said in front of my other sister who witnessed it what did I say? My sister said the nasty things she said about me and she just said, I said that…I knew she did and it hurt like hell but she didn’t care that she said it or it hurt me. She didn’t say sorry to me for saying those ugly things. But she called my sister who defended me and ask for her forgiveness. Me nothing…because in my mothers eyes I am nothing…Thanks for letting me share

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th July 2016

      Hi Peggy
      Welcome to EFB ~ you are certainly NOT alone! And she is wrong about you! Thanks for sharing.
      Hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Aly Posted: 15th July 2016

    I was glad to find this article. I recently sold my home (after struggling for two years after leaving an abusive marriage) and have been living with my grandmother, who has dementia and is emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive. I am having difficulty finding a new place to live because I have two cats (they are comfort animals and I can’t mentally handle getting rid of them; they are also my family and were both abused by prior owners so there’s no way I would ever abandon them!) and I reached out to my mother for help. I asked if I could come and stay with her for a while because I was really having a difficult time mentally, and I mentioned that I was needing to seek additional mental healthcare because I had thought about committing suicide. I already have depression and live on the autism spectrum so living with my grandmother has pushed me to the very edge of my ability to handle things on my own. My mother’s house has always been a safe place for me. When I expressed what I was going through she said, “Oh…I just got new furniture and I don’t want cat hair on it, so no.” I tried to explain to her that it would only be for a few weeks and she continued to make additional excuses, like my brother and his wife coming to visit and there would be nowhere for them to stay. As if they can’t go to another family member’s home or stay in a hotel for the three days they will be in town, as opposed to me ending up in a pysch ward or ending up homeless. We had a huge fight and when I tried to talk to her about it later, she made it about her. I tried to tell her how much it hurt to have furniture matter more to her than I do. And she didn’t even care. She told me that she never said that and that I was being melodramatic and that I had hurt her, too…she never even apologized for hurting me.

    And I lost it. I hung up on her and of course she turned my family against me, telling them that I blamed her for the suicidal thoughts I was having, which I NEVER did and NEVER would. She even got my Dad (who has a TBI and PTSD, who is a total mental wreck) telling me that I need to quit upsetting my Mom and get it together. And she has my sisters up in arms with me.

    I’ve not spoken to her in days except to send a text message on her birthday. I have tried and tried to find ways to get over this because she’s my Mom. But every time I even think about calling her, I get a guttural sickness that makes me want to puke all over. And I consistently remember that she is always too busy for me. When I call her on the phone she always has to go because one of my sisters is about to call or she has to go see a grandkid’s baseball game (since only one of my nephews plays baseball, I highly doubt she’s going to baseball games EVERY DAY for three weeks). I’ve thought back and I remember that when I lived in the South she rarely ever called me. In fact, I think I only spoke to her when I would call her every once in a while. Not even during Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, which ripped my life out from under me. Not even when my fiance died.

    The fact is that she just doesn’t care about me. I don’t have kids so there’s no grandkids for her to want to be with. I don’t share the same religion so I won’t go to church with her (that has been a weekly battle with my grandma, too!). I don’t have anything she wants or needs so why connect with me on any level?

    Once I did get to talk to my Dad, he calmed down and is very understanding of my hurt and my situation. But that doesn’t change anything. I’m still the child my mother doesn’t love.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th July 2016

      Hi Aly and Laura
      Welcome to EFB ~ sorry for the late response ~ there was a death in the family and I have not been able to keep up here but thank you for sharing and I am so glad you are here. I hope you will join the current discussions on the more recent posts by checking out the home button.
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Erica Posted: 25th June 2016

    Leslie, I would have done almost anything to make my mother love me.

  14. By: Tori Posted: 17th May 2016

    My story: My mother, while I was living at home was not so bad, however she was never one to ever tell the truth without adding her own flare to it. I eventually accepted this as her personality. We were close, as my mother was a teen mom, she always claimed we grew up together. I often found myself filling the role of friend as a young child. I remember at age 12 her complaining to me about her sexual frustration with her most recent husband. She would tell me about how awful her own childhood was ( she was molested by an uncle) and she would frequently remind me that when she had me no one thought I would amount to much of anything since she was so young when she had me. She was never really a great role model when it came to self-value and men, we moved around a lot because she always needed to be with someone. She never really had a real job because she was always sick and was diagnosed with MS at a young age. She hasn’t had it easy to say the least. However I made the mistake of moving far away for college. In college we were okay, I called her often to talk about buy problems and stress related issues. She would listen to me but then she would also tell me frequently that I was grating on her and adding to her stress and it was making her sicker. So I tried to call and ask about her days as well, in my head I was trying to keep things even. I was perhaps a bit too needy and insecure and I was rather repetitive. But as I got older I matured. After I graduated college she helped me out financially to get me started and even helped me through an emotionally abusive relationship. I developed an eating disorder for two years over this relationship and came out to my mother about it. She sent me money to see a counsellor, but I eventually moved back home for a few months to help me recover. Only, my mother was different and not supportive at all. Every time the cat would throw up in the house she would look at me and literally say” the cat learned that trick from me” because I would binge/purge. It hurt. A lot. I made the decision to go to Graduate school to become a teacher. She mentioned once that she didn’t think I would make a good teacher. I doubt she remembers the comment but it has stuck with me. I went to Graduate school any ways despite her thoughts. We would still talk a few times a week. I started dating my now husband. She helped me learn to trust him. She would tell me that I need to stop panicking that guys will leave me or get bored with me, and she honestly helped me through those negative thoughts. She did come out to visit once. She insisted she had to stay with me so I shared my bed with her because I didn’t have much at that time. She did buy groceries once she realized that I didn’t have very much and I couldn’t afford air conditioning. She got very mad at me and threatened to leave early because I wouldn’t turn it on. I dreaded the bill because I Was barely making ends meet. WE got into a fight about how I don’t care about her and we both said some awful things. We made up though. I eventually graduated and moved in with my boyfriend. She would always promise to come out to visit me but never would. She would promise a care package but it would never arrive. She was getting more sick and forgetful. I would still call only to find out she was in the hospital and no one thought to tell me. This trend continued for a year or two. I got engaged to my boyfriend and all hell broke loose. She lives in California and I live in Maryland. I tried to include her in the wedding planning. She came out for a week to help me plan the wedding but I made a huge mistake that she still hold over my head. I went wedding dress shopping with a friend to try and figure out what cut I liked before my mom arrived so that we wouldn’t have to move around a lot since she has a service dog and tend to make a big show of it. (Which doesn’t bother me so much other than the fact that she tends to make a scene if people question the dogs presence). Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your perspective, I was trying on a lot of dresses from the discount rack since I only had 4000 for the whole wedding,( which my step dad was very kind to send) I found a dress I adored for only $99. It was vintage looking and I felt great in it. I sent my mother pictures of the dresses I tried on and called her to ask if I should buy it because I liked it but didn’t want to disclude her. She said to get it. So I did. However she was not okay with it. When she came a few weeks later to help me with wedding planning, we didn’t do much other than talk about colors and ideas. She wasn’t into it and she continued to just say “it is whatever you want it is your wedding.” I have come to realize this was not her being supportive but put out. Come closer to the wedding she invited her best friend to my wedding (we don’t get along) and told her she too could stay at my apartment, my mother was already staying at our apartment. I put my foot down and told her no, she cannot just invite other people into my home. She was very upset by this. I also told her that I needed her to have her own hotel room for the night before our wedding. I was going to have my maid of honor stay over to make our bouquets ourselves. I did allow her to throw me a small engagement party the day before my wedding. However I was the one who had to pick up the pizza and supplies and clean the house for the party, but it made her happy. Or so I thought. I got my nails done with my future sisters in law and had the mothers and grandmothers go to a different spa (I thought it would be easier to not have so many people in one salon and I thought it would be a great opportunity for my mom and my husband’s mom to bond). However I was later told that she hates his mother and she felt poorly treated over the whole thing. The day of my wedding I was supposed to get my hair done with my mother, maid of honor and mother in law. My mother told me that morning that she wouldn’t go, with the excuse that she had to take care of my grandmother (who upon being asked if this was true said she didn’t need my mother at all) SO I went without her. I did my own make up even though she as going to help me with it. She did seem to reconcile herself for the pictures and dressing me in my gown and I have some lively pictures of us together. But ever since my wedding I didn’t call her as often. I made plans with her to meet at my grandmother’s house in Texas for Christmas 2014. But she never showed up, claiming she couldn’t afford it, only to learn that she went to Texas a few weeks after Christmas with my brother. That also hurt a lot. So after that I didn’t call as often. She never once tried to call me. I even tried to see how long she would go before calling me (5 weeks) in retrospect it was a bad experiment, but it shows that if I want a relationship I have to do the work. My grandmother died about 8 months ago. At her funeral my mother signed my name in the guest book. When she told me she had signed my name, I was ungrateful and said I had wanted to do it for myself, in my mind it was a form of closure. So she began storming around the funeral home claiming loudly that she needed white out so she could blot out my name. I told her it was not necessary at all, that I was okay with her signing my name. I didn’t want a scene. But instead she got right in my face and yelled at me. She said I was ungrateful and that I don’t understand her. I told her to back off (because she was literally in my face) so she stormed off. I tried to go back to the family, my step dad told me that we need to fix our relationship. So I tried apologizing to my mother, but instead she told me that when I moved out 10 years ago when I was 18 that I ruined out relationship, that I was ungrateful and would never understand the pain I have put her through from my wedding to moving away, she said I should leave. I told her I was sorry she felt that way. I told her I thought she was being unfair. So, I left before the funeral began. I did make sure to tell the rest of my family good bye before I left. I had a plane to catch anyways. I could of only of stayed for half of the funeral anyways. My step Dad contacted me and told me I was not allowed to contact my mother any more, that I would be contacted when she was ready to speak to me. So I waited. 2 months a later a letter came stating that it must be difficult for me to be her daughter and having to grow up with her. I didn’t respond because I was not sure if I could contact her yet or nots, the letter sounded very much like a therapist directed letter. However she began to post on my Facebook page. She posted her phone number with the text in case you forgot my number. Then she unfriended me a few hours later. SO I called. Her answer to my phone call was ” I knew if I took such drastic measures you would call me” It made me sad to think that she felt an unkindness was the only way to get my attention. But I pursued her. She brought up everything she thought I had done wrong, my wedding and moving away. Those seemed to be my only crimes. I asked if we could start over and she got mad and hung up. I called back and apologized and told her I would like her to try to call me sometimes as well, and things seemed to have been okay. Until a few weeks ago that is. After the last episode with my mother I was sure to call her every week once to twice a week. I praised her for taking her health into her own hands (she was addicted to prescription opiate drugs and was working to get off of them) I asked after her day and health. I told her a little about my work day and plans but not over much, as I don’t like telling her things any more since she seems to use things I tell her against me. My last conversation with her was about was her awkwardly praising her medicinal pot and me desperately trying to change the topic to earth day (I think she believed I was joking about changing the subject, her pot use makes me uncomfortable, if only because she is so proud of it, I do get that it helps her, but It still makes me uncomfortable) A few days after our last conversation she texted me that she loves me and not to worry about calling she just wanted to say she loves me.
    I thought nothing of it but I did text her back that I love her too. that night my husband had posted a picture of my finishing a race I had run the day before ( I am an avid runner) she posted on the picture the following comment ” as your mom gee it would be nice to know things like your trip to Nashville (which I did tell her about, it was for work) or your race, but you can’t tell me much in the average 10 minute phone call (a fair assessment of the time) sorry for making you feel small but can’t you put yourself in my shoes for once” My husband was furious at her and deleted it and unfriended her. She then texts me “Congratulations on Nashville and your race” (I didn’t respond, knowing she wanted me to call, and probably attack me over it) after about an hour or two she texts me with “Do you like the person you have become toward me. I don’t” I again ignored it because I didn’t want a fight and quite frankly her words hurt. The next day I get the final blow from her. She texts me ” You are the worst thing for me, don’t ever contact me again, I am dead to you” Only she wasn’t done with me. She also threatened to report my husband and me for possession of a service dog vest. She had given it to us since I was training my dog to preform services for her when she came to visit me. It has been three weeks since this has happened. I have talked with my uncles, grandpa and one of my brothers. According to my grandfather and uncles, she has since tried bad mouthing me to them by telling them how awful I am. Both he friends ( she only has 2) have contacted me in some way to tell me that I will be the death of my mother and that I will regret not letting her into my life ( I have to wonder what story she has told them)
    My grandfather says that this is normal behavior for her, that if you let it alone for a month or two she calms sown and acts like nothing ever happened, he dos consent that she is a little more mean when it comes to me. He wants me to fix things, But I am not sure how. I don’t think my mother knows how to have a relationship that is healthy and based on mutual work, respect, and love. At least not any more, if ever. I am questioning everything and I am so hurt. I am not sure what to ask of my mother because she is not a normal person, but I am tired of allowing everyone to make excuses for her “that is who she is” won’t cut it for me much longer. Quite frankly she is mean and hurtful whether it’s intentional or not. I know that if I give her an ultimatum such as, we need to have an adult relationship where she calls me and I call her, we ask about each other’s days and respect the boundaries the other has set (such as my request that she stay in a hotel when she visits). I will try to fly out to visit but she needs to do the same for me. But I don’t think that will work for her because she needs to be the center of the attention in order to feel value for herself.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th May 2016

      Hi Tori
      Welcome to EFB ~ you are not alone! I think you have landed on the right blog/website. There is lots of info here (450 articles with discussions) and I am sure you will get some insights that will help to move forward in whichever direction that you decide to go with this difficult relationship with your mother.
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: Bella Posted: 24th April 2016

    This post was exactly what I needed to read. You see, my mom couldn’t have children and when she finally got me, my father started drinking. So she gained something by exchange. She’s never really hugged me or said that she likes me and anytime I asked about that she just simply replied ” In a real life you won’t get love and I’m teaching you how it works.” She would always critize how I look, what I do, what kind of music I listen to, how I dress,how I speak… everything with me was always wrong, because I wasn’t what she’s always dreamed of.But before I was born, she had really strong bound with my cousin (mother-daughter relatioship) and everytime i tried to speak with my mom while my cousin was at our home, she would just pushed me away or say that I’m being annoying.To be honest, I always thought that she likes me because ,well I’m her child but I dont know anymore. Like, she buys stuff that I want and cares for my health (thats why I still thought that she loves me) but when I tried to tell her that there might be something with me (like depression) and that I cant find myself doing nothing ,that I have no energy to do thing or learn to school and that I dont even want to go out , she refused to help me. One of the biggest problems is that my father lives in one room and I share room with mother so I have no privacy. And I am ashamed to do things in front of her like I really loved playing keyboard, but I stopped because I didn’t want to annoy her etc. So I feel like I have no personality, but recently cousin came with her own daughter and she started to jump on my bed, slam the computer, write on the walls, almost destroyed vacuum cleaner and camera… When they left I said to my mother that I didn’t like how my cousin’s kid was behaving. She said that I’m egoistic,that I care only about myself,I dont understand anything,that in my future I will probably beat my children and that it really offended her.It’s probably not a big deal but this isn’t the only occasion, there are way more this is just fresh one. So she hasn’t spoken to me for two days because of my statement. And I dont know, just feels like she really doesn’t care about anything I do. Last time I asked her if she wants to know what kind of stuff I do or watch , her respond ” I don’t care at all”. I’m really trying because shes my mother and I dont have anyone else , the problem is that anytime I speak with her about this she pretends that she has no idea what I am speaking about or she gets offended and stops talking to me, calls me a weakling because (i admit) that i cry anytime I try to solve things out. And it’s really hard because the fact that i see her literally 24/7 and sometimes it looks like she wants to know something about me but most of the time it’s like I said before and I just feel awfull for thinking that she hates me but I dont know …

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th April 2016

      Hi Bella
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken. I am so glad you are here. You have found a great place to share and to read. There are hundreds and even thousands of insights and info in this site between the 450 articles published here and the comments in discussions. You are not alone. Just because your mother “SAYS” that you only care about yourself doesn’t make that true. If your mother hates you, that is about her, not about you. The articles here will help you sort this out a little bit more.
      Hugs, Darlene

      • By: Laura Posted: 14th July 2016

        I am so thankful to have found this page. I am 51 years old and heard my mother call me s***head for what I hope is the last time three and a half weeks ago. I haven’t called since and she certainly has not called or emailed me because she has NEVER apologized for being mean to me. I have always had to crawl back to her. I can’t contact my dad because they share a phone and email. Meanwhile she has “shared” pictures from my Facebook and captioned them “precious daughter” and such all the while hiding those posts from my eyes and my daughters’ but not my husbands. She tries to show everyone she is a perfect mother/grandmother but maintains no relationship. Anyway I could go on an on. I just want to say again thank you for this post.

  16. By: Bonnie-Lee Hakverdigil Posted: 9th April 2016

    I am completely broken inside. I am a Mother of 2 ( adults now ) One who will always be in my care, she is in her 24th year. She is completely depended on me and would have it no other way than to give her unconditional love and undying love and support that my sweet Angel requires for all of her needs. My son and I now 26, we have had a rocky road relationship. Now that he is a man and a father himself. I think he understands and realises just how important a Mother’s love really is. I just said goodbye to my family and my Mother, who is in her 87th year but still has her wits about her. She has never loved me in a way that I believe a Mother should with an undying love for her child and would go to any length to protect and love them,especially when I needed her the most. I only feel her love and presence when I am physically sick with an illness. What she doesn’t realise is that sickness stems from all over, emotions, depression, loneliness, rejection and feelings of emptiness. She is unwilling to accept her wrongs and take it at face value.I said the words to set myself free, but I don’t feel free. I feel like my heart is so heavy, burdened from pain and heartache as it always has but has a different impact because I let go and it became a profound reality. I always wondered if I was adopted, only because I am not like my Mom and half siblings. I am the only child from her second marriage. I have always been suicidal and I want to die every single day.I remember distinctly when I was 18, I was in my Mom’s living room ( not living at home at this time ) I told her I wanted to die, I took about 200 or ASA (like Aspirin) She asked if I needed more water to take more pills. As she brought me the water I took a hand full more of pills again, she kept bringing me more water. All she did was sit at the table, with a blank stare and with an evil sinister look. I seen the devil only through my Mother’s eyes while I sat on the couch taking more and more. She only reacted as she seen the physical signs of poisoning and I was going to die.I was devastated that my own Mother would help aid in my attempt to kill myself. She will not own up to that and calls me a liar and that I am crazy. I remember this day vividly as if it only happened yesterday. I cannot find it in my heart to forgive her until she admits her wrong doings and gives me a genuine apology (which I know I will never get) I am so lonely and empty inside I feel I have no more soul.

    The second incident was when my son was just a little guy and she had a psychosis moment and told me that my dad (who was the sweetest loving father anyone could want ) raped me at the age of 8. He is now passed almost 4 years ago and she has never taken ownership for her horrible and unforgiving motives that destroyed my relationship with my dad. My dad was completely innocent of this horrible and unlawful accusation. On his death bed dying from lung and brain cancer he went very quickly. I wanted to see him and hold him and to tell him I love you Dad and never let him go even though I knew I couldn’t hold him forever.Now I can only speak to him through heaven and I hope he hears me and knows I had no involvement in my Mother’s phychotic episodes.

    There were many things that she has done that I question what type of mental illness does she have if any? She is not like that with the rest of the family, as far as I see in the presence of her and other siblings.She treats them very well with love and respect. Why not me? Do I not deserve the same treatment? Why does she hate or resent me so much? I cry at least 5-10 times a day, no lie or exaggeration. I contemplate suicide everyday and wish for death to take away my pain and suffering. I just want it all to stop and go away. Please give me some of your feedback, as I would like to know how to bring back my self worth. I feel I am useless and unworthy everyday.Please tell me how I can recover, learn to forgive truly from my hear and hope for a happier life before I decide to end the sadness, sorrow, and suffering.

    Thank you for reading and any inspiration would be a start in the process of healing my shattered, lonely heart.

  17. By: Carlos Posted: 16th March 2016

    I have not decided to stand up to my father yet, however I did confront him about his “chatterbox” personality when we were talking about my future ambitions upon graduating. I am still angry (and I probably will be forever) at my grandmother when she said my degree was worthless when I decided to work as a kichen-hand, until I graduate. Anyway my Dad and I were talking while the like-minded mother-in-law was listening. I was like to my Dad: “Behind you (Pointing out to him that the critical witch was listening). To which he initially responded: “It’s okay.” (Okay take her side again as usual). Determined to let my voice be heard, I pulled him outside and along with my death stare, I started telling Dad everything that I felt: “Dad, I will never let that woman be involved in anything I do in my life ever again. I will snap when you decide to talk to her about my future goals and ambitions again and I have a right to be pissed off with what she did (Duh she’ll just berate me again, never giving her that satisfaction anymore). He didn’t look scared, but he did say: “Understood.”

    Not exactly sure what it will be like when it’s time for me to stand up to him, but all I know is that I am not backing down anymore. My dreams are not useless. I am not stupid, I am not whatever else I was given for the “sake of my greater good.”

  18. By: Lisa Posted: 12th March 2016

    I know that my Mother love me, there is no doubt. The problem is that the love that my mother has for me is conditional on my doing things the way she wants me to. I have always had that feeling like I had to do things her way to be accepted. I’ve compromised my life, my marriage and my parental decisions based on what she said… She undermined every decision I made concerning my children, which in turn created anguish in our home. The dance of tradition if you will affected my children and the way they looked at their siblings. I feel like it’s a curse or something. She has always told them yes when I said no and no when I said yes. She talks to each of my children about the other and makes them believe that I do more for one then I do for another. It’s really hard to see these things and live a normal life. It’s been 6 weeks and I haven’t spoken to my mother. I’ve lost 10 pounds of guilt and shame. It’s my time now. I love my mother with all my heart but I can no longer carry the weight of her issues and I will no longer let them affect my life or that of my children.

  19. By: Louise Posted: 23rd February 2016

    It sounds like we’ve been going through the same thing. I’m at that point now where I need a break and I can’t be bothered resolving things, especially since it was my mother who called me ‘incompetent’ and I deserve an apology. I wont get it though.

    I’m at that stage where I need to decide is her approval worth it? The answer is no.

    Your article made some strong points that stood out. Accepting how things are is a key factor. Also learning when to stand your ground and say they can’t treat you like that.

    Thank you for your story!

  20. By: Angela Li Posted: 3rd February 2016

    I feel the exact same way. My parents were divorced when I was about 2 years old. I never really remembered it but at that time my mother was depressed. She completely abandoned her lively, kind self and put work as a pain reliever. She NEVER had ANY time for me, even at this age. She would work about 9 or 10 hours on purpose to ignore me. I was never really connected to my mother or my father. At age 13 I realized I didn’t really have any parents and was just living with a complete stranger that gave birth to me. It’s not like I hated her but I never felt like I belonged to her, like I wasn’t even her real child. She just fed me and gave mea room to live, days she would go not even talking to me. I really think that the divorce had a great impact on her behavior but I still think I am the reason why she changed so much. Even thought I have a step mom and a step dad I feel like a foster child with no place to go, no money, nothing. I really wished that my mother and my father were still who they were so I wouldn’t feel like this. She would laugh and talk but I was never any part of it. I still feel like I had never actually had ANY PARENTS. Thanks for writing this article and letting me express my feelings and thoughts. I hope you always have a great day!

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