Mothers Day is Hard When The Mother Shows No Love

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Mothers Day can be a rough time for survivors of dysfunctional family relationships. The key to overcoming all the emotional baggage that comes up with the pain of mothers day has been to take a look at what that pain is where that pain originated.

We are told from a young age that our parents know best. We are told and convinced that they love us and are doing their best and that they always do what is best for us. We are taught that they are right. The problem is that when we are dismissed, devalued or discounted by these same parents we don’t know how to reconcile those two polar opposite teachings. On the one hand, we have been brainwashed (convinced) to believe that that there is nothing as beautiful as a mothers love. On the other hand we are hurt by the dismissal of our mothers. Our pain has been minimized; we have been told that we exaggerate, that we outright lie, that we are too sensitive, that we are crazy, that we are don’t remember what “really happened”.

These are deflection tactics motivated by the need to cover up the truth. Mothers will jump straight to saying that we are ungrateful. “After all I have done for you, this is how you treat me!”

My mother would say; “Oh Darlene, you think you are so hard done by!” I never once thought about what that meant, I just felt the burn of shame for being ‘that daughter’… the daughter that thought her own mother was selfish. That daughter that thought her own mother was unloving and shame on me, for not understanding how hard it had been for my poor mother. I felt guilty for feeling frustrated. After all, my mother went through a lot in her life. And the whole world teaches that there is nothing as strong and protective as a mothers love.

The whole world teaches that a mother does the best she can.

A loving mother does her very best.

So I had to take a look at what a loving mother is. What does love do? What does love look like?

Does love ignore? Does love dismiss? Does love turn a blind eye to a child’s fear or to a child’s feelings? Is a parent entitled to follow different rules when it comes to love?

Is it possible that just maybe not all mothers are ‘loving’? 

Since I was looking at the belief that Mothers always do the best they can, I had to take a look at what is ‘best’.

Why was it best for me that my mother didn’t hear me and that she didn’t want to hear me? Why was it best for me that she didn’t protect me? Why was it best for me that she didn’t want to treat me with mutual respect? Why was it best for me that my mother didn’t validate my needs or that she communicated to me that my needs were a burden to her? How could that have been her doing the ‘best’ that she could?

And I told myself that my mother didn’t know any better. I told myself that that is just how it was ‘in those days’ and that there wasn’t any good help in those days. But those excuses didn’t hold much weight as I grew older because they don’t make logical sense. Why would a loving mother not realize that her actions were HURTFUL? Isn’t it part of love to consider the one loved? Is it part of love to convince the one loved not to bring shame on the family by talking about our pain? Isn’t it a bit of a truth leak when we are groomed to keep those deep dark secrets? Doesn’t that actually prove that they DO know better? What is the real motive behind being told not to tell and not to expose the truth?

Mothers who validate the truth have to take action against abuse therefore we can see what their motive is for ignoring us. They don’t want to do anything about it. It is so much easier to cover it up, either to protect herself or to protect someone else. But the problem is the message that it gives to the person that was harmed in the first place! It communicates that the abuser is more important than the victim.

As I struggled to reconcile how my mother could do her best verses the truth about the way she actually regarded me, my self-esteem got lower. I was an adult and she was still ignoring me, telling me that the problem was me. She was still communicating that the problem was and always has been, me.

Their main objective is to make sure that they switch the focus from themselves back on to you. When my mother brought the focus back to me, my actual grievance was lost and ignored as I was forced to defend myself once again. Every time that my mom pointed her finger at me, I started to think about my actions and I had been so brainwashed to believe that I was ‘nothing special’ that I immediately felt ashamed of myself for trying to have my own feelings validated.

How does a child do that?

When I really thought about the way that my mother taught me love, it was always about her. She didn’t love me the way she asked me to love her. I was supposed to put her first. I was supposed to be understanding of HER difficulties. I was supposed to submit to her wishes and to agree that HER value was greater than mine.

I thought perhaps that I was the only daughter in the world that felt this way and that perhaps I was the only daughter whose mother couldn’t love her. I believed it must be something to do with me, because she told me it was me.

My Mother would jump straight to reminding me about that one time I did something or said something wrong in her eyes. They will drag up anything that they can to bring the focus back to you and take it off of them. One time on the day I was released from the hospital with my newborn baby my mother brought up a whole list of things I did when I was a teenager. I was sick and weak and she chose that time to bully me. How is that love? How is that best?

Is what I was asking for from my mother, wrong? Is asking to be loved and accepted for who I am, asking for too much? Is it unloving to feel sad or even angry that although I tried my hardest, and even though my mother said she loved me, her actions show a different truth? Does love hurt others? And if you are one of those people that will point a finger at me and say that I have hurt my mother by standing up to her I ask you this: Is it loving to accept abusive treatment? Or is it MORE loving to say no to abusive, dismissive and disrespectful treatment because accepting that treatment gives a type of permission to the abuser.

Am I a disrespectful daughter because I finally stood up for me and said no to being discounted? I don’t think so.

Am I an ungrateful daughter because I don’t worship the person that birthed me? Am I a bad daughter because I don’t want to accept all that disrespect and blame anymore? I don’t think so.

Does it make me a bad daughter because I said no to the never-ending pain caused by the untrue and unfair judgment from my mother and said yes to me? I don’t think so!

I don’t believe any of those lies anymore.

(P.S. This post can easily be applied to fathers and other relationship partners as well. There is only one definition of Love)

This mothers day I am celebrating the freedom and true love I have in my life today! I Celebrate the fact that in spite of the upbringing I had full of false teachings about love, I became the loving mother that I am to my 3 grown children and that I have a wonderful mutually respectful relationship with all of them.

Please share your thoughts and comments with us! 

Exposing Truth; One snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

Are you aware my e-book “Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing”? If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

For related articles please visit the Mother Daughter Category button here: Mother Daughter Category

125 response to "Mothers Day is Hard When The Mother Shows No Love"

  1. By: Andria Posted: 10th August 2017

    Yvonne,

    Congrats on selling your home and buying one in your new city! I hope your move goes easily. Many blessings in your new home.

    Donna,

    Please don’t beat yourself up for not wanting to go and visit your mother. If you don’t want to go….don’t go. I did a lot of things for family out of duty. I never regret anything I do or did, but I have learned that I will never get the explanations or apologies that I wanted. How can one not take it personally? Of course your mother’s brain is not healthy now; so the “goop” cannot be taken personally.

    It is hard to move forward. It takes a while to heal. I just had to cut all family out of my life because it did not feel good having contact with them. When my family attacked me they made it personal.

    Best of luck in moving forward and healing.

  2. By: Donna Posted: 10th August 2017

    I went to see Mom today and only stayed hardly 15 minutes. I am quite sure she cannot understand most of what I say to her. She shows no interest in me, I have cut my visits to every two weeks lately. I DO NOT WANT TO GO….I go out of a sense of Duty/guilt. She cannot put sentences together and what she does say is usually “goop”. She won’t even look at me most the time. I realize that only about half her brain remains. It’s SO HARD not to take it all personal. I KNOW I wait for the apology I will never get. Never got one from my brother….guess I just have to keep TRYING to move forward and hold on to what I GOT!!!!

  3. By: Donna Posted: 2nd August 2017

    Yes, distance is a great help. Not a cure…but a HELP!!! Be happy. You will soon be able to make it yours and decorate it with the things that MAKE YOU HAPPY and content!!

  4. By: Yvonne Posted: 2nd August 2017

    Hi Andria—and all,

    I wanted to give an update about my moving situation progress. I have officially sold my small home! Woo-hoo! I was afraid that I couldn’t buy a smaller home in my price range in the new city,but I did! It’s like a miracle and I’m so happy. I should be moving in September to my new city and home.

    I don’t know about you, but the recurring theme in my life with the child abuse past issues was a life where I’ve always been a tough,young girl alone. Even in my adult life I’ve had to put one foot in front of the other, always taking a risk, trusting my intuition that it would all work out. I re-connect with old familiar faces when I move back, but also meet new people, too.

    My Narc mom still cannot leave me alone. She calls me from time to time and I can’t stop her. I know that she will end up in an adult care home soon. I had to move from my former city to be safe from my parents. I did the right thing but I’ve lost nearly ten years of my adult life trying to run away from them and be safe. I have suffered from deep depression since I had not much of a social life where I live now.

    Are there others here on the EFB site who had to move far away to start a new life to feel safe? I know that I did the right thing and I would do it again if I had to start all over to feel safe. I know that it’s not completely over until my mom dies. I am so very close to having a new and good life, with total freedom.

    Blessed Be,

    Yvonne

    • By: Amy Johnson Posted: 2nd August 2017

      Of course you can stop her, Yvonne, just change your number and don’t give her your new address.

  5. By: Amy Johnson Posted: 1st July 2017

    My mother sent my husband a father’s day card with $100 check inside and a heartfelt note to him. I had sent her an easter card and a mothers day card even though I haven’t talked to her for years. She didn’t send me a mothers day card, she never has. But she’s never sent one to my husband either. I think it was a way of hurting me and she probably enjoyed thinking about how much it would hurt me and make me cry. She is an evil woman, did nothing to help me when my father was molesting me when I was a child, called me a liar, crazy, etc. It sucks that she can continue to hurt me and I can’t stop her. I forgave her for everything a long time ago for my own sanity, but she still manages to stick the knife in and bring back all the horrible memories, and make new wounds, too.

  6. By: Andria Posted: 30th May 2017

    Hi Yvonne,

    It sounds like you are doing okay. Good luck with selling your house. I know it is hard to forget what has happened in the past and move on without thinking about it anymore. I am still not there yet, but I am working on it.

    I think you have succeeded in being you. From reading your posts, I think you have been yourself for the most part. That is what some parents don’t like. They want you to be like them and it is not possible. It is a wrong way of thinking.

    I have been doing okay. I am feeling good most of the time. Like I already said, if I could get my family out of my head that would be beautiful. I hope you have a great rest of the week.

    Andria

  7. By: Yvonne Posted: 28th May 2017

    Dear Andria—and all,

    I guess that I’m here again talking about me. I am finished with my legal issues and now working with a realtor to list my house! Woo-hoo! It seems as if most of my life has been one long struggle after another and it never ends. It takes a lot of courage and inspiration to keep going when you have been beaten down too many times. Many abuse victims think that they’re stuck and can’t make changes.

    I know that I did the right thing by moving here to another city, a two hour drive from my former town. I wonder how many victims feel as if they have to move far away to a new city or state to feel safe. Another part of me feels angry that I lost several years of my life living in my current city. It’s hard being so alone, but my narc parents could not leave me alone even though I had my own apartment. It’s safe for me to move back since my father died two years ago and narc mom won’t last much longer. When do we ever feel safe? I can never really feel safe until my narc mom dies. I know that day will come soon but it’s hard.

    I remember arguing with a friend years ago and she said, “Why are you so afraid of your mother at your age?” This was due to the fact that I always kept my cell phone turned off during the day, actually almost 24/7 off, to keep my mom away. I had the habit of checking my cell phone daily and calling back people. How could I say that my narc mom is crazy and dangerous? I don’t have the time to write a whole biography to make others understand how bad it was with my narc mom.

    I can remember all of the social situations where I have nearly lost friends and have been humiliated because of narc mom’s attitude. I am grateful that I have the gift of being able to move back home, but there is still some resentment for losing several years of my life. I tell myself that things could have been worse and yes, it’s true! I have lived through an entire roller coaster ride of human emotion with the crazy narc mom, from fear to sadness to humiliation to anger and then back again. These narc people are big takers and destroy and take and then take even more until there is nothing left for them.

    I know that you can never quite go home again in the same way. A few of my friendships have quietly faded and a few others have moved or died. I am open to my new life whatever it brings. But I admit that the sooner my narc mom is gone the better it is for me. She still gossips about me and trashes my reputation to her neighbors/friends. I frankly do not give a care about these people and I don’t understand all their gossip. I am NOT their daughter and what I do or don’t do in my life is none of their business.

    It’s funny but I think that the real issue with all my past child abuse is simply wanting to be me! I want to live my life on my terms without being controlled or abused by narc parents. These narc parents only want a perfect robot to control, not a real daughter, and there was never any unconditional love. I don’t love these people. I learned how to take care of myself and enjoy my own company at a young age. There are good things coming for me. Hope you’re feeling happy, too.

    Blessed Be,

    Yvonne

  8. By: Donna Posted: 11th May 2017

    While growing up, I saw only a few short-comings of my mom. All of the ugly stuff started shortly AFTER MY FATHER PASSED IN 2005. That’s when she started to show me that my dis-functional brother was priority.

    AMEN…if it were not for the kids, my husband and my fur kids…I KNOW things would be dismal!!! Happy Spring to all. It DOES lift the spirits and gives me other things to think about and look forward to. I do the best emotionally in Autumn, due to the change of temps and the glow of the world around me. I ENJOY the winter as well. A hot cup of tea or cocoa are good medicine. Blessing to all and thanks to all for being here and for support!

  9. By: Andria Posted: 11th May 2017

    Jess,

    Thank you for the reminder that we are worth it and deserving!

  10. By: Jess Posted: 11th May 2017

    Ivy, Donna and all other survivors on this blog,

    I am in my second year of no contact with my mother, therefore my second Mother’s Day. I can say for myself it isn’t easy but it does get easier with time.
    I try to focus on the positives in my life like my wonderful husband, terrific children, the few friends I have and my special pets.

    Even if you don’t have children we should all practice the virtues of motherhood whether it be for a friend, a beloved pet or (especially) yourself. Since most, if not all, of us didn’t have an appropriate example of a mother growing up, it’s about time we take the time to mother ourselves. We are worth it and deserving.

    Your comments are welcome and I wish everyone a blessed Mother’s Day this Sunday.

  11. By: Donna Posted: 8th May 2017

    IVY. *** I REALLY do feel your emotions. At this time, I don’t know if I will go see mine either that day. Still mucking through all the left behind mud. My mom was BIG on judgemental statements, questions and looks. She was always questioning my morals or thinking. What she would bring up to me…she all forgot when she was willingly involved w/ the lies, deception, bank and insurance fraud and on and on…..the other day, she sits with NO TEETH because she misplaced her dentures long ago, and railed on this girl who was missing one tooth. Would not figure out that she was no different from others. In a way it is humorous, but to me it was her judgemental old self coming out. I wish you a BLESSED Mother’s Day hopefully spent w/ those who LOVE you for being YOU!!!

  12. By: Ivy Posted: 5th May 2017

    2017, this will be the first year I do not spend Mother’s Day with my Mother. I am the child who never misses a holiday with family. My sister, the Golden Child makes all the decisions and hosts all events unless we go out. If we do go out, she chooses the place and makes the reservation. She has though, on occasion made other plans and it is always so strange, those times. My Mom is like an empty shell when my sister is not there.

    I tried once to take it upon myself to make plans, but of course, it wan’t good enough and everyone complained.My sister sat stiff as a board, not smiling, quiet and reserved. To say it was uncomfortable is putting it mildly.

    Then there is the weird thing about gifts. I will hear forever from my Mother how much she loves whatever my sister buys her, but my gifts tend to come back to me in weird “donation” kinds of ways. Even the Costco membership I though my Mom would love didn’t work out and she let me know not to renew it the following year. For a long time I tried really hard to find something spectacular, but now I have just given up. Perhaps this year I will send her a gift card.

    There is this weird thing my Mom does. It goes something like this, I have a cold with a cough and my mom says “You have always had weak lungs.” I am going somewhere and I get lost or can’t find the place, “You were never good at directions.” Sometimes the comments come out of the blue, seemingly disconnected from whatever the discussion is at hand, “Math was never your strength.” They are presented as being loving, reassuring, it took me years to see the ominous clouds that formed over my head and followed me around after these kind of comments.

    In a recent conversation I mentioned I had hurt my back and was going to physical therapy, Mom says “Oh you always had a bad back.” I didn’t ever, nor do I now have a bad back, I just sustained a minor injury that is healing well. I said this to her, she laughed a little and mumbled “Okay.”

    I would love to ask her why she says these kinds of things to me, but we are only allowed to talk about politics, the weather, and basically anything that keeps me on the bottom rung of the family ladder. Anything else is met with grave, grave, indignant, resolve to completely regulate me until I shut up, put my head down and accept my given place.

    My Mother is a master at speaking volumes with facial expressions, body language and even by the way she breathes. When she is under the gun, she says few words, but they are all words to block my every attempt at understanding how we got to this place, to know why I am her lesser daughter.

    She married a horrible man and I was the family scapegoat. He tormented me for the eight years she stayed married to him. Her version of these events is that I dug my heels in and that is why he didn’t like me. I didn’t see it. How could I have missed the re framing that has been done at my expense for so many decades? How did her mistakes become my fault, my shame?

    I do not hate her, but this year I am going to spend Mother’s Day without her for the first time ever. I am going to send her a card and be out of town and I would be lying if I said it doesn’t both hurt and feel like a huge relief. I imagine I will be there still, in effigy, but I am trying to work through some of my feelings about this now so that I experience something akin to freedom this Mother’s Day for the first time in my life.

  13. By: Andria Posted: 2nd April 2017

    Hey Yvonne,

    Yeah, it’s hard knowing that I won’t be going to my father’s funeral, but I truly would not be comfortable there with my sister. He doesn’t really care about me so there is no reason for me to be there.

    I am glad that you are not being so hard on yourself. I don’t beat myself up. I share a lot about my life with people I feel close to but sometimes they can’t understand why I don’t talk with my family. Like you said a lot of people don’t understand abuse issues. Sometimes people talk to me about their family and I recognize emotional abuse that they have suffered. I don’t usually point that out. Not everyone wants to be estranged from family members. It is best for me to keep my mouth shut about other’s business.

    Yes, anger is a big part of this healing. I’m still angry how my father treated us when he lived in our house. He never could see how badly he treated me. Be proud of what you have accomplished.

    I hope you sell your home easily, and live where you want to be. We live in a rural area and we don’t have to go to the city to get our groceries and other things.

    Life is an adventure that we don’t find out about until we turn the page. Letting go of objects you don’t use or need anymore is a good way to get rid of some stuck energy.

    I know it’s hard to forget about stuff from the past that was not pleasant or nice. My husband says he doesn’t think about family unless I bring it up. He says he compartmentalizes it. I can’t seem to do that.

    I hope you get your dream of moving back home to your friends. I understand needing joy. I want that too. I hope you get the emotional help that you need. It is hard to find that in life sometimes. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t criticize yourself for crying if you are not happy. You know you can change things.

    You are very welcome. I can feel lonely. I know we all have guides and helpers around us all the time. I just have not been able to feel like I have contact with them. I send you peace and blessings too.

  14. By: Yvonne Posted: 2nd April 2017

    Hi Andria,

    I did not go to my father’s funeral service and it was over a three hour drive from me. My excuse was that since I live on such a tight budget that I could not afford much needed new tires for my car. I have no regrets at all! I have come to the realization that I will NEVER visit my father’s memorial—he had a veteran’s service– with his remains in a box placed in a wall with his name. My mom gets her remains placed next to him after her death,too.

    I am learning how not to be quite so hard on myself. My background is not the same like others and it doesn’t make me a bad person, just different. There are many times in the past where I have been hurt and misunderstood by others trying to pry information from me. They can’t quite figure me out and it’s really none of their business. The only ones who understand abuse issues are the ones who have been victims like us.

    Some days I get so angry and tired of it all. Both of my narc parents destroyed my life in many ways. It’s like I try to salvage the broken pieces of my life and put them together the best way I can. I know that I could have gone further in a career, but my home life was total chaos as a teenager and it’s a miracle that I even graduated from high school on time with my class. When I was a mature student (ten years older than everyone) I started college and earned a Bachelor degree. I have worked but I’ve been so underemployed it’s pathetic!

    I am still on the path of trying to sell my small house and move back to the former town. I will never be happy here and I just need to get out. The only reason that I can move back now is my father died two years ago and I know that narc mom will not last much longer. I have shared on this site that I’m very metaphysical and there a few good psychics who gave me the same message saying that my mom will go to a nursing care home soon, like before the end of this year.

    I try to view my life as a big adventure. I think if I had it my way I would just sell my house and buy a tiny house in that community. I think that I have have always wanted to do things my way, just a bit different from the mainstream culture. I prefer a simpler,rural life than a big city life with snooty people.

    My goal when I move back is to throw out the old and let go of even more of my past. There is a community yard sale on the last Saturday of April and I hope to let more go. I just don’t want to move back with lots of stuff, with less to pack and pay for a moving van. Maybe I can decorate my new home in a different style and colors in the future. It’s like I’m almost free!

    There are still legal hang ups with my house but I think I can get through it. I can’t believe just how materialistic and greedy both of my parents were. They could not give up their big luxury house and now my narc mom complains that she cannot buy too many groceries or go out for a steak dinner. How crazy is that? But my parents had to show off and put all of their finances into a big luxury house that was above them. If it were me, I would have sold her big house and bought a two bedroom condo for older people. She will now have to pass away in the nursing care home.

    I dream of moving back home and I’m not quitting until I can move back. My friends mean a lot to me since I’m single and they’re everything to me. I need joy. I need to feel accepted for being me. I need emotional support. I should be happy but all I do is cry. My life is so empty now but I can change things. I am safe with both of my parents nearly gone from my life.

    Thanks for your kindness. I really have no one in my life to talk to and it’s hard. Sending you peace and blessings.

    Blessed Be,

    Yvonne

  15. By: Andria Posted: 28th March 2017

    Yes Donna I do battle depression. I take medication that helps me.

    I am so pleased that I was able to impart some good medicine to you. You are very welcome. Take care of yourself.

  16. By: Donna Posted: 25th March 2017

    Sounds as though you may battle depresion too! Your responses for me have been GOOD MEDICINE. THANKS.

  17. By: Andria Posted: 24th March 2017

    Donna,

    I understand about not wanting to deal with certain people. It is extra hurtful when it is family. My parents always showed me how unimportant I was and that my sister was the person that was important. Even when my sister did not take care of our father who lived just a few blocks from her and I had to bring him to my house in another state 300 miles away to care for him…..in the end I was still not the good person. I was still the outcast.

    I am not going to his funeral when he dies. I don’t talk to my father or my sister. Maybe this is something for you to look at and decide. I don’t know what is good for you. This is what I am going to do.

    If I understand correctly, your brother is dead? The one that was in prison? I am glad that you can feel some freedom. I understand how it plays on your mind. I have decided that I am okay without knowing what is happening with my family.

    I am still seeking healing in different ways to deal with the non-closure of being disconnected with the family. I think I am going to have to teach myself that it is okay. I didn’t do anything wrong and I cannot help how other people care or don’t care about me.

    Try to be strong Donna. There are a lot of us out here. It feels good when you realize that you are not a reject. You are rejecting them for their horrible treatment of you. I wish I could say the words that would magically make you feel better. You know you are a good person. Just keep telling yourself that and believing it too.

  18. By: Donna Posted: 24th March 2017

    Thanks for your attention, Andria. Someday I will have to deal w/ my neice and Nephew…probably when she passes. I can’t BEAR the thought of dealing w/ these toxic people, when I fought so hard to keep all the poison from my world. They act like white trash.
    I was always accused of NOT caring, being selfish NOT to visit(I grew terrified of going into that house, due to his terrorism, mouth and torment. )In the 90s, back when he was in prison, he was diagnosed as Sociopathic and narsacistic. Two of so many words he called me!!! Part of me wants to mend fences w/ his kids…but not get in line for another attack from my neice. She has a mouth on her much like her dad did. I wish SO BAD I could just live in the peace of today and the fact that most of all the disappointment of my “FAMILY” is behind me. I JUST CAN”T SHAKE the whole thing about WHY my Mom allowed him to abuse and alienate me. She once thought it was funny that he said to me that I had all that Jesus crammed up my ass. After everything he did to us and her…she always let him back…let him stay…and watched w/out flinching while he got in my face and cussed me out and chased me out of the room, blocked me from her , etc. I would call to talk to her and he would grab the phone from her. She doesn’t even realize that she was showing me I was not important or worth anything. It was ALL about him. He had pretty much taken over once he moved in after 2006, after my sister died. When she died, I lost my ally. He died just before this last Christmas, and I have not shed a single tear over him. It was like someone took the rocks and bricks off me… FREEDOM…for now. Non-closure REALLY sucks the life out of many a thought and days.

  19. By: Andria Posted: 23rd March 2017

    Donna,

    I am very sorry for your situation with your mother. I don’t have any answers for you. All I know is do what is good for you and your family. I did too much for my family and my husband’s family and it got me nothing and no where except more mistreatment and bad behavior from them.

    I have a lot of non-closure. I just have to deal with the reality that what little family I had never cared about me. I won’t be visiting my sister, father, or sister-in-law. I am not missing out on the mistreatments or the pure lies and bullshit. I have made up my mind that I don’t need any of this and I feel better for not having them in my life.

  20. By: Donna Posted: 23rd March 2017

    Mother’s Day above was well written and I find a lot of myself in the comments above. When definite signs of DEMENTIA were showing themselves, I blamed a lot on it. But HOW do I get past what she did BEFORE the signs. ,before the things that hurt. My alcoholic brother took over all aspects of her life. When I or my husband got in the way and got caught in all the fall-out of all that happens and WE are the bad guys. She would ask for help and yet would not support it or follow through. Now she lanquishes at a nursing home w/ DEMENTIA and absolutely no memory of what got us all here. I am the surviving child now out of a family of 5. I DON”T WANT to go see her anymore…..yet I also feel I must keep tabs w/ her. I refuse to take back her guardianship , because I REFUSE to clean up after the MESS she left, enabled and will never be accountable for. My brother lied his way to getting her a court guardian, so in a way, I was releived of the burden. Meanwhile her entire estate is gone. She will have a BARE BONES funeral when it’s time. There was barely money left to do that. HOW do I deal with the non-closure of all that happened???

  21. By: Andria Posted: 21st March 2017

    Hi Yvonne,

    I am sorry for all the craziness around your family situation. I understand how much energy it takes to deal with problems around family. I know you can hang in there and fight the good fight until it is done. Just keep strong. There is satisfaction in being able to tell your story. These things are not easy to get over. I wish you all the best always. Take care and let us know how things are going for you.

    Fondly,

    Andria

  22. By: Yvonne Posted: 12th March 2017

    Andria (and all),

    It seems like these issues with my narc family never end. I learned that my mom is getting into my bank account again. She has money but she can’t leave me alone, just wanting to be snoopy but not steal money.(Again I don’t keep much money—but she is very pushy). I don’t know how much more that I can take of her until she can pass away. I learned that she actually had to borrow money from a former neighbor who is an accountant to pay her house property taxes. This is such narc behavior where she will not sell her house and move to a smaller home. After my father died, she is living on his pension (which got cut in half after death). She insists on entertaining and keeping up appearances—-how crazy is that? Her house is listed for sale but she does not want to move and she will never lower the price, so this house will never sell—(until after her death).

    I really do not care what Narc Mom does with her house or finances. The problem is that she continues harassing and dumping on me. NO, I can’t control the comments or actions of other people. This Narc Mom views me like her slave since I am her daughter.

    The latest news is that Narc Cousin may be returning home earlier than expected from his job in Saudi Arabia—-like May/June and no longer this October. He couldn’t get a job anywhere after 20 years of military service (with a small pension) and he found a job through military connections for a year there. He is also recently divorced again and that leaves him with two ex-wives and kids to support. It’s almost funny to see how these narc people double-cross each other. This Narc Cousin was living with my Narc Mom in her house, since his second ex-wife got the house and everything. He promised my mom that he would help her out with buying groceries. Since he is a cheap skate and liar he would only buy her a take-out pizza and soda once a week, or a whole rotisserie chicken meal from the grocery deli! But not a few bags of groceries! The golden child was not quite so golden after all and Narc Mom got taken advantage of by him! LOL!

    There are more problems coming up with the Narc Mom. It’s hard to explain everything here but there are some legal issues after my father’s death. I went to a paralegal for help and paid for services from part of my income tax refund. (I am between jobs but thankfully I will be on a project at work for the month of April). I can’t explain everything but there are legal papers that my Narc Mom needs to sign/notarize and it’s all very complicated. Talking to Narc Mom by phone to sign these legal papers is like making a pact with the very devil! Not good! My friend once told me that dealing with my Narc Mom is like that scene from a Harry Potter movie where the characters are playing a kind of chess game, but one false move will kill them. Not good! It’s kind of like a life or death decision regarding these legal papers. You know of course that the only language that these narc people speak is the language of money. They’re all so very selfish, greedy, materialistic, power hungry and dishonest that it’s sickening for the normal people.

    I think that I could have been a great chess player, but sadly I was never taught the game. My whole life has been like a pawn on a chess board where I’m playing the game with a straight poker face and tons of patience. I know nothing and I never let on that I have any normal human emotion. I’m not really afraid of her and I’m so very stubborn that I’m not a quitter. The only true failure in life is quitting early and I’m a fighter and not a quitter!

    I don’t know how everyone here on EFB feels but there are times when I just want to give up being so strong—one of Darlene’s articles! The victims like us give up years of our life, including all of our formative years growing up, for survival issues. When we’re finally free and moved out of the house, we’re still haunted by past memories which is a lot of work. I remember a good friend saying to me that I was not that different from others with my thoughts and feelings, but being abused made me FEEL like I was somehow different. I remember saying to my friend how old I felt and I was only late 20’s at the time, and she replied that abuse victims FEEL older than mainstream people. We have to simultaneously grow up and mature faster, having to care for and raise ourselves. Then we miss out on social activities in our youth.

    I know that I have lived through difficulties which would have destroyed most people. I was an older student who put myself through college. I survived being a nearly homeless young woman who ended up in a women’s shelter for awhile. Yes, I can survive another battle with the crazy woman! The good part of all this if the crazy woman can sign these legal papers then I will NEVER have to deal with her ever again! So, I cannot take ‘NO’ for an answer and I will keep dealing with her until I win!

    So nice to be supported here. I do so appreciate any thoughts or advice. Love and light!

    Blessed Be,

    Yvonne

  23. By: Andria Posted: 6th February 2017

    Yvonne,

    I understand about having just the Christmas card relationship with extended family. Even a few of those have quit sending cards at holidays. I guess they figure it is not worth bothering with sending a card since we don’t have a “real” relationship.

    I hope you quickly sell your house for a good price and get back to where you want to be with your friends. You feel safe with these people and that is important. It can be difficult to be sensitive. I like smaller places with friendly people as well. I like nice things, but I don’t have the money to be a status-type person. I hope you get some animals friends in your life too.

    My FOO moved back to Chicago at the same time I moved to Denver with my future husband. It was a strange situation. My parents sold their farm in Iowa because my Dad had to move because his company got sold to a company based in Chicago. They bought a house in the suburbs with only 3 bedrooms. Our household consisted of father, mother, grandmother, sister, and myself. My mother did not want me to move to Denver; yet they did not have a room for me in the suburban Chicago house. The house did not have a basement so I could not have even bunked underground. I would have had to share a room with my sister or my grandmother. I had my own bedroom in the farmhouse. My husband has never gotten over the fact that they did not think of me as needing a room in their new house; yet my mother was trying to forbid me from moving to Denver. I basically was low contact with my family until I finally went no contact a few years ago.

    Yes, there is always a new beginning. I hope all the best for you. You and your friends will be glad to be back together again. I can safely say for myself that I have no love for my father and sister and I had no love for my mother. It was just an idea in my head that I loved them because they are family. I know better now.

    Good luck with all your real estate dealings Yvonne! I am rooting for you!

  24. By: Yvonne Posted: 5th February 2017

    Andria,

    Thank you for your kind words. I am most grateful for being a metaphysical/spiritual person. If I did not have my strong faith then I know I would have destroyed myself with alcohol/drugs or anything all those years ago. It was painful to see how a narc mom could have all of the money and power in the home. When I was in my 20s and moved up from roommate living to my first studio apartment living alone, it was still very financially tough. Here I was eating the same tired meal of macaroni and so on, and narc mom could cook a good meal. She never had to worry about barely making it each month to pay utilities. I think that a big part of her problem was that she never had to feel anything—-no pain, no fear, no worries—-just boredom. I know there are struggling families out there where the wife has to work to pay bills and help out. These kinds of families seems more honest and supportive—-the opposite of my home.

    Like you, I know that I will never have a happy extended family. I met my father’s relatives in North Dakota, a big close family, and they seemed normal compared to my father. I kind of know that I will only have a Christmas card relationship with them for the rest of my adult life. There is a kind of loyalty that I still carry toward my only good relatives, my grandparents(father’s side) and my Cousin Dean, when I was a child, so I continue the card tradition each year. My dream is to one year send these mid-western cousins a Christmas card with actual good news, saying how my mom passed away that year and that I’m engaged to a good man. Maybe it’s pride or just wanting to have a happy ending and closure with them. I have always felt like I was somebody just sitting in the bleachers watching a football game, like always an observer, but not a team member.

    My big goal now is moving back to my former city. I know that I will never be happy here. I can take any job here since it’s only a job for several months, not a career. I talked to a great realtor and my house is in a good location and an easy sell. My financial plan is selling my small house for the highest and best price, and moving back to my former city where I can possibly downsize. That way I can make a small profit and actually have a savings account, since former city has cheaper houses.

    My family are the members of my spiritual groups in the former city—-and I will reconnect with all of them. I am not giving up on meeting a future soulmate partner who is a good man. It’s funny how others have called me “shy” or imply that my standards are too high in meeting a good man. No, I don’t think so since I know that I do not want to go through an abusive relationship/marriage. I have taken day trips to visit my past city and the first place that I always visit is my Spiritualist Church—small group of psychic mediums. They have known me since I was in my 20s and they are like a family to me. I am surrounded by friends who accept me and I can talk to them.

    I am angry that I lost almost ten years of my adult life since I had to move to get away from abusive parents! I never really wanted to move. I would even move back and sell my house with a financial loss if I had to, but thankfully I can get a little ahead in life with my house sale. My father died in 2015 and I know that my mom will end up in a nursing care home soon. I thank God that I did not move far away to another state when I was younger. The move here to the major city was enough of a move, with a safe three hour drive from my parent’s house. I keep busy with hobbies like crafts/women knitting group and more, but it’s been too lonely. Maybe because I was abused that I’m just a little different, with a different kind of energy. I am empathic and hyper-sensitive and only feel comfortable with the metaphysical people. Plus, I’m practical and down to earth—a regular jeans and tee-shirt gal—and prefer the smaller city with friendlier people. I do fit in better there than being surrounded by large crowds who are status conscious. I hope to have animal friends in the future in my new home.

    I don’t know you but like everyone here you may have had to run away or move when you were younger to stay safe. Maybe you were lucky and did not lose hope with your dreams and goals, too. I pray for a new beginning. It’s strange how you see things clearer when you are apart. I see how much I missed my past town and friends, but with no love for abusive parents. Have a great week!

    “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”
    Henry David Thoreau

    Blessed Be,

    Yvonne

  25. By: Andria Posted: 2nd February 2017

    Yvonne,

    How are you doing? I am sorry to hear that you are unemployed. I hope you get something soon and the money difficulty will get better. I hope you can stick with your goals and dreams. You are right that your life is not finished. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It is very hard to turn off that inner critic. You think you have it shut off and then here it comes again. I understand that. I like what you said:” just for today I must be more cheerful and trusting that things will improve.”

    I have different circumstances than you do, but I understand how parents are selfish and really care only about themselves and truly show no interest in you. Yes, there are days when I am content and days when I feel sad. I don’t believe I am feeling sorry for myself. I have many blessings. But there is a sadness around the fact that I have no family that I feel close to. I have my husband and friends that I have made into a “family”, but my it does hurt to know that my family rejected me and my husband’s family rejected me. When that happens to a person it sure does make them think….why it must be me!! This side of the family doesn’t like me and this other side does not either. IT HAS TO BE ME! That is the negative talk. Now I have learned that it wasn’t me it was them, but still the negative self talk can rear it’s ugly head.

    I hope today is a good day for you Yvonne. You are a kind and loving person. Be gentle with yourself.

    Blessings,
    Andria

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