Memoirs of a Mad Survivor by Patty Hite

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Patty Hite ~ Overcoming Sexual Abuse
Patty Hite

I am pleased to have guest blogger Patty Hite from the website Overcoming Sexual Abuse writing  for Emerging  from Broken today.  We are continuing with a series of posts on the subject of anger in relation to abuse.  As always on this blog, please feel welcome to post your comments, thoughts and contributions. 

~ Darlene Ouimet, founder of Emerging from Broken

Memoirs of a Mad Survivor by Patty Hite

I am a Mad Survivor. Not crazy mad, just angry. And not insanely angry to where I view life and everyday thru gray colored lenses, with bitterness and uncontrollable rage.  For the most part, I am fulfilled and overflowing with love for myself and life. I wake up happy and I go to bed happy. I am free from nightmares and flashbacks that used to be so painful that I thought having a knife in my heart would feel better. 

 I am proud to confess that I am angry about abuse. All abuse.  I was sexually abused as a child and sexually, physically and emotionally abused when I married Satan (that’s what I call my ex).  Most of what I know about abuse was shown to me by him. In fact, when I read or hear the word abuser, I picture him as the perfect example of what an abuser is.  This is why I have devoted my life to healing and it is why I do everything I can to tell others about the dangers and damage abuse causes, as well as help those who want to heal.  It is why I am angry. But it is a healthy and justifiable anger that is constantly on my heart and in my mind.

 I am angry at every adult who harms a child. I am angry because they chose to do it. And no, I don’t care if they were drunk, drugged or a child of abuse themselves. They chose it.  They thought about how and they knew when.  They watched that child’s every move. They knew the weakness in that child and they knew what tactic to use in order to abuse them.  Should they use force or should they manipulate the child with love and affection? Should they threaten the child or should they blame the child?  Yes, I am angry. I didn’t deserve it and neither did you. 

 I get angry when those who should be supportive and comforting, tell us to forgive, forget and put it behind us. I also get angry when these same family and friends tell us to not get angry. Why can’t I be  angry? I was abused!  I was beaten and forced to have sex. It was so traumatic for me that I had to leave my body in order to survive. I spent most of my life in fear and learning how to love myself. Yet, I should not be angry about it and at the ones who did it?  

 The same people who don’t want to hear about my abuse are the same ones who try to stop me from being angry. It’s because of THEIR fear, that they try to stop us from being angry. Fear of exposure, fear of losing control over us, fear of rocking their boat. They feel safe as long as they can keep us in a child frame of mind, under their control. What about how I feel? Why can’t I feel safe? What I don’t understand is why our loved ones aren’t angry. Why aren’t they angry that I was abused?   

 I’m sure some of you who are reading this are wondering why I am still angry after all the years I’ve spent in healing from abuse. (30 years to be exact) And some of you are wondering if I am really healthy, since I talk about anger and the importance of being angry at our abusers.  How can I say I have forgiven my abusers but still be angry at them? 

 It is because of healing, that I am able to be angry. I spent most of my life obeying the same false beliefs that you listened to. “Put anger aside and move on.”   Healing from abuse  doesn’t mean forgetting and it doesn’t mean excusing the abuse and it doesn’t mean that we stop being angry. Trying to stop my anger about abuse is like trying to stop a moving train with my body. It can’t happen and it will never happen. I choose to remain angry about every man, woman and child who has, is or will be abused. It’s the nature of the beast, the nature of a Mad Survivor. 

 I know, I am stepping on some toes, because we were taught that anger should not be expressed, it  is not lady- like and anger will eat us up.   Yet, anger  is an emotion that we need to express.  We need to get angry about our abuse, about our abusers, about those who didn’t protect us and at those who tell us to stuff our anger.  It’s the only way that internal boundaries will surround us to protect and guard us from future abuse. It’s like a fence that has signs posted “ Do Not Touch or You Will Be Prosecuted”  “Warning: No Abuse Allowed” “Warning: I Hit Back.” 

 This is a list of things I USED to get angry about before healing: The cashier for talking too much and taking too long. (She isn’t being paid to talk!)  The little boy who let his dog pee in my yard. (I don’t let my dog pee in your yard, why are you letting your dog pee in mine?)  The guy in the mustang who has his music up loud. (Where’s the cops when you need them?)  The butcher who took another customer before me ( I was here first!) The couple in church who didn’t tithe (God’s gonna get them). 

 Silly things. I mean, come on! If I wasn’t such a nice girl, I could have slapped these people without thinking twice. If I would have told my friends about them, they would have encouraged me and told me that I had every right to be angry and upset. Yet, when it comes to something as devastating as abuse, we are told to not be angry because it will eat us up inside. And we listen to these people. Why? Most of the time we don’t even question it, we just obey because it has been so ingrained in us that anger is a bad thing. 

 My question to every Survivor is this: Is love a bad thing? What about compassion, sadness, or joy? They are all emotions. Are we supposed to pick and choose certain ones and discard the others?  Should we toss love aside and not cry or jump around with joy? It makes no sense to me to use some and squash another. Because of this, I will continue to express my anger. It is my emotion, it is my right and I am giving myself permission to do so. It is said that anger is the backbone of healing. I say, anger is my backbone.

 Patty Hite

 Patty Hite is one of four facilitators of Overcoming Sexual Abuse. A survivor of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, Patty has been tenaciously pursuing her healing for over thirty years.  She’s a passionate advocate for all survivors and dedicates her life to inspiring emotional wholeness in others. As a former victim of spousal abuse, she’s delighted to find true love with her husband of ­­­­five years.  She’s blessed with four children and five grandchildren.

33 response to "Memoirs of a Mad Survivor by Patty Hite"

  1. By: Calvin Posted: 2nd April 2011

    Patti…You sound Healthy!

  2. By: Susan Posted: 7th December 2010

    Thanks for your note Michelle. I think its common for us to be afraid of our anger…after all, we live in a world that declares anger as wrong in so many ways. So for us who have survived violations like this then to be told we shouldn’t feel angery and god forbid…the rage that comes often with being denied our anger and pain…to finally begin to tap into it is frightening. Congratulations on finding your way and your path to freedom:)

  3. By: Patty Hite Posted: 7th December 2010

    Michelle, I agree. Having others who understand as a support system is so awesome. When I began my healing I had no one and I often think of how wonderful that would have been. Just to have someone say, “I understand.” would have been like a cup of hot chocolate in front of the fire place. Just warm and snuggly.

    Thank you for your input on how important it is to get angry, yet understand it and make it a part of us instead of an enemy.

    (((hug))) Patty

  4. By: michelle Posted: 7th December 2010

    patty and susan, thank you for your kind words. i have been trying to come to terms with the anger i have for years now, it has taken time, and loving support to help me progress this far in accepting the anger first of all, then overcoming my fear of it (i was honestly afraid at one point i would commit murder, or that i would involuntarily take my own life ) i am at the point now that i understand that it is a righteous anger.

    the key is not to let the anger destroy ME, i have been hurt enough. i truly wish for everyone who has ever been hurt to be able to heal, and if i could wave a magic wand i would!!

    even though i have never met anyone from this board i feel so much for them, and from personal experience feel very strongly that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. (what a gift this blog has been to me!!) love, concern and true empathy is what has got me through and i hope for the same for all of you here. (and the entire human race for that matter.) xoxo

    susan; if you could email any info you have on cymbalta withdrawal, i would very much appreciate it. i have visited some forums so far and they have been somewhat helpful (at least now i know i am not going crazy!) cymbalta.hell@gmail.com

  5. By: Susan Posted: 6th December 2010

    Michelle ~ I am so sorry that you and your siblings have had to deal with these life experiences…and that you lost your brother because of it. I feel such anger, not only at the abuse and neglect you and your siblings suffered but that in seeking justice there was more of the same and the perpetrators get to still live free. You are a courageous being, Michelle; thank you for sharing your story and your journey here.

    On the cymbalta ~ yes; I was on it for a very long time until I was taken off all of the psychotropic drugs in 2007 and there has been quite a bit of research on the side effects of it. Feel free to contact me if you are looking for something specific, I’ve got access to some resources that you may find helpful.

  6. By: Patty Hite Posted: 6th December 2010

    Michelle, ((( hug)))

    I am so glad that you expressed your anger, but I am so sorry that you and your siblings and husband and children have had to endure such unnecessary hurt and pain. There is no excuse for the behavior of your parents and I hope that in time, you will be able to have a cope free life, full of life and fulfilling love.

    You list looked like mine when I poured out my anger and it brings back many memories of getting it out.

    Thanks for sharing. I have hope for your healing.

  7. By: michelle Posted: 6th December 2010

    SORRY.. please be careful.. THIS MATERIAL MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS

    i am angry that my stepfather sexually abused me
    ” ” that my mother knew and sent me away but kept him there (with my other 3 siblings
    ” ” that they both denied it????
    ” ” that they also tried to blame me for it WTF???
    ” ” that my mother made my 15yo sister leave her baby with them so they ‘could take care of her’
    ” ” that he groomed her then
    ” ” that i was encouraged to reconcile with them
    ” ” that he also tried to groom my two eldest daughters, and that i was unaware, too manipulated to fully comprehend what was happening at the time.(he didnt get a chance with my third and youngest)

    ” ” that my brother killed himself because he never had a chance (he was beaten, made to wear girls underwear, allowed to smoke pot with mum when he was 9, became a drug addict and alcoholic all before his 16th birthday etc etc etc)
    ” ” that my other little brother was hit by a car while crossing a road to get to the pub looking for his ‘mummy and daddy’ he was 4 years old.
    ” ” that that same little brother has to live with the fact that his ‘father’ and ‘mother’ are both child sex offenders
    ” ” he also has to live with the fact that he treated me like shit for years because of the lies told to him by him and her
    ” ” that my niece now has serious struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts
    ” ” my sister has held it together for so long that now she too has crashed and will take HARD WORK to recover
    ” ” that my children has to witness any of this
    ” ” that my husband has had a shell of a wife for TOO long
    ” ” that my husband and I cant have the fulfilling sex life we both deserve
    ” ” that stepfather escaped jail because he is ‘carer’ for my stupid suicidal mother (how ironic?)
    ” ” that a LOT of people think he is aTOP BLOKE.
    ” ” that he portrays himself as a victim, and he is VERY good at that
    ” ” that i have breathe the same putrid air as him
    ” ” that i continue to have dreams, and he is in them
    ” ” that i have these poisonous emotions within myself
    ” ” that i have endued YEARS of depression anxiety panic attacks and ptsd
    ” ” that i have had to further poison my body with drugs to cope with what they have done to me and my family (THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THESE DRUGS ARE DREADFUL)
    ” ” that i struggled with alcohol abuse, and my children and husband had to suffer the consequences of that SO UNFAIR
    ” ” that at times i am consumed with feelings of extreme rage and hate and violent thoughts
    ” ” that my mind has conjured many different ways of killing him. these thought are most unwelcome.

    ” ” that my mum once told me she was praying so god would help her make me ‘dead to her’
    ” ” that she applauded after i read my victim impact statement in court. i had apparently put on an ‘oscar winning performance’
    ” ” that he WOULD NOT LOOK AT ME whilst i read it.
    ” ” that he is alive and my brother isnt.

    sorry people i hope i havent upset anyone.

    i have to go now, off to the dr to sort out the latest dramas i have had with medication.
    if anyone out there has had any problems with cymbalta i would love to hear from you.. i am going through hell right now because of this drug.

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