Lost in the Fog and the Journey Back to Me

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overcoming depression
Lost in the Fog

This morning I had to give my husband a ride to the tractor in the field a few miles away. He drove there and while we chatted away I paid absolutely no attention to where we were going. After I dropped him off, I proceeded to make my way out of the fields and back to the road. It is really foggy here this morning, and believe it or not, I got lost in the fields. I couldn’t figure out where the gates were to get me the heck out of there.  Did I mention that I have been driving in those 3 felids for over 20 years? I actually had to phone my husband on his cell, so that he could tell me how to find my way out of the fields! Worse than that; I had to call him twice! I was kind of feeling embarrassed, but then I had this thought about my life, my personal growth this journey and the fog.

Those fields were very much like my life; I had lived in my own body and thought I had my own mind for over 40 years when suddenly I realized that I was really lost. I was caught in a fog, the same fog that I had been born into all those years ago and because it was so familiar, I couldn’t find my way out. It was what I was used to. I thought I knew who I was, but when I started to make some progress on my recovery, I realized that I didn’t have a clue. I was in unfamiliar territory in my own life. I didn’t know much about me, because I had never been encouraged to BE me.  I had been defined by everyone else.

From the start I was groomed by other people’s decisions about what would be best for me.  (which had its roots in who and what would be best for THEM, for me to be) I was so used to living this way and so dependent on being who everyone else wanted that I never once thought about who I really was. I was lost in my own life. Deep down each question I asked myself about any decision in front of me had the shadow of another question on top of it; what with they think? What would they want me to do? What will keep me the safest?  I couldn’t find MY sense of direction. 

I had been looking for someone to tell me that I was okay; all my life I had believed everyone else’s definition of who I was, so it makes sense that I thought that I should look for someone to give me permission to be someone different. I had never made a decision that was not influenced by other people and it didn’t occur to me that I could do that now.  I was lost in the fog of my own life.

In my process of coming OUT of the fog, I realized that I didn’t know who I was OR what I was interested in.  The truth is that I was not ME yet. I was who they said I was.

Just like I called my husband to help me find my way out of those fields this morning, I found some help and support to get me out of the fog that surrounded every aspect of my life. It took time. I had a whole lifetime of fog to navigate through in order to find the real me. There were lies piggybacking on other lies. Each area of my life had its own fog storm going on. It was like a maze; it had always been there, but I was not aware of being lost in it.

Realizing that I was the only one that could find my way out was scary. Realizing that this was MY work to do, was unsettling. I had always believed that I was who they defined me to be. But when I began to uncover the truth, and when the fog started to lift, realizing that I was the only one who needed to give myself permission to change was empowering! It was the beginning of freedom and wholeness. It was like standing on top of a mountain with bright gold sunshine and pure mountain air blowing through my spirit and cleansing my soul! It was like starting over with a clean slate.

It was waking up and living; and suddenly the work; my work, didn’t seem impossible and I knew that I could navigate those fields of life and find my way back to me.

Please share your thoughts;

Darlene Ouimet

37 response to "Lost in the Fog and the Journey Back to Me"

  1. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 26th October 2010

    Lisa, what motivated me to change was that I was tired of hurting. I was tired of being unhappy and hating myself. My husband liked some aspects of me being unhealthy better than he did me becoming healthier. When I was unhealthy, he could have sex on demand. I never said no. I did my wifely duty. I didn’t know I had the right to say no to sex when I wasn’t interested or didn’t feel well.

    To be fair to my husband, he has always gone out of his way to make sure that I enjoyed our sex life and had orgasms. Some people would say that was a blessing and would wonder why I would even think about saying no to that. It isn’t the physical side of sex that I have ever had a problem with as far as my marriage was concerned. My husband is so different than having sex with my dad against my will. [Darlene, I hope I am not getting too personal here. I haven’t shared this before with anyone. If I am, you can delete my whole comment, if you want to.] My husband taught me that there is pleasure in sex and that both partners should benefit from the act, not just one. My husband cares that much about me.

    Back to the point I was headed toward. For the first few years after I got into recovery, I said no to sex a lot with my husband because of the feelings of disgust that I felt as the emotions rose from that long buried place that I had stuffed them into as a child who couldn’t deal with the abuse and as the young adult who simply wanted to forget and who thought if I could deny the incest happened then the pain would go away. When I got in touch with my rage for the four years that I couldn’t hold in the rage or ignore it anymore, I said no a lot. Only my husband’s love and patience kept us together during that time.

    Even today, my husband doesn’t understand why if it feels good to me why would I say no. I wish the emotional stuff was as easy to change as the physical. It isn’t or it hasn’t been for me. Sometimes today, I will occasionally say yes to sex with my husband when I am not really interested just because I do love him too. It is called compromise.

  2. By: Lisa Posted: 26th October 2010

    Thank you all for your encouragement and support. Darlene, I think I am in that place you describe…not knowing if I can ever believe I deserve to really live. I have no husband or children to motivate me out of this mess (nor to add to it…). I have tried so hard for so long to get out of this mess that I’m afraid that no matter how I try, the fog just seems to deepen. And working to pull it apart takes so much energy that I don’t seem to have! Anyway, I will keep reading and posting and hoping to find that motivation to pull myself up. Thanks again.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th October 2010

      Hi Lisa,
      I personally was not motivated by my husband at all. In fact I would say that he motivated me to fight IN SPITE of him. He liked me depressed. It was easier to control me that way. (he has come a long way too) I was motivated by my children, (because I wanted something better then what I had and I knew the cycle would only repeat) but only for a time, and then I did it for me. I am not sure how I transfered from being motivated by my kids to doing it for me, but it was far better and healthier when I began to want recovery for myself. I guess I began to see it like this; I can’t live this way anymore.. so I have to find a new way. No one is going to do it for me.. so I guess I better bite the bullet and do it myself. That sounds easier then it was. It was really hard.. but the most important thing looking back on it now is that I started!
      Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Eric esko jalonen Posted: 25th October 2010

    It is never tooooo late to change for the better.
    I’m 44. Was clean and sober for 12 yrs and Kikn around relapse and sobriety the last 4. Outta 20 yrs I’ve been sober for abt 15 of em. I was sexually abused by a teacher for 5 yrs and he’s now in jail becus I started a lawsuit 5yrs ago and was in the press and more camee fwd and he was charged again. And pled guilty again. And another lawsuit of the same school board was started, from another abuser, because someone else saw my articles too. So total abt 27 lawsuits now behind me.
    You never know Lisa what the outcome of our lives may be !
    As far as we’ve gone in one direction, we are capable of going in the other.
    Time and age add more experience and wisdom.
    Your story will absolutely help another. That’s a forsure.
    God does not make garbage and he has a plan for everyone that has gone thru abuse, no matter what god u believe in. This forum is a power greater than myself, and is saving lives daily. Aren’t we Soooo lucky !!
    We can chat w and get pointers and focus any time we want. I’m never alone, I’ve a world of people that care, just a click away, in my case, ON my phoNe… It’s better than any one therapist tailin me around all day. I get the op to chat w endless peeps anytime I want.
    All I have to do is say,
    ” I want some help “

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th October 2010

      Eric,
      Thank you for sharing your hope and inspiration;
      It is wonderful to see so much willingness to support each other on this blog! Hugs, Darlene

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