Lonely Holidays and the Lie that “You Reap what You Sow”

Facebook91k
Facebook
Twitter4.6k
Youtube150
Youtube
LinkedIn26
LINKEDIN

 

abusive family
The Lies are a Heavy Burden

I get nasty emails from upset mothers who think I am a spoiled trouble maker whining about some fictional terrible upbringing and discounting my right to tell my own story. The truth about what I am really doing is all right here in writing. I started Emerging from Broken because I wanted to heal the world. That may have been a lofty goal but I sincerely wanted to make a difference in the lives of other hurting adult children of dysfunctional, controlling and manipulating families. I wanted to bust through the false messages about ourselves that so many of us were struggling to accept instead of to reject.

I remember my mother saying to me that she didn’t know what she did to ‘deserve’ a daughter like me. (She may have used different words like “I don’t know what I did to deserve ‘this’ but the message was the same and it’s the message that does the damage. ) She said it as a judgment; she said it with exhaustion, despair and frustration as though she was at the end of her rope, exasperated by my actions and my attitudes; exasperated with me. And I felt so bad that I was such a disappointment to her. In the past I never questioned that it was me, I just tried harder to be the daughter that she ‘deserved’ and the daughter that would make her proud and maybe the daughter that would be good enough for her to finally love. Really I just wanted her to love and approve of me.

But when I came out of the fog I had been groomed to be in for most of my life, and started to question my beliefs about myself and the blame I placed on myself, I looked at her statement through new eyes. I started looking into just what she/they did to deserve the trouble she had in her relationship with me. I started to look at the details of the message her actions communicated to me about me.

Emerging from Broken (this website) isn’t about blaming blameless parents for the mistakes that they made. It isn’t about being mad because when I was a teenager my mom didn’t let me go to the school dance or because I got grounded for smoking. It isn’t about not getting my own way and not being allowed to use her car when I was learning to drive, it’s about being told in all kinds of verbal and non-verbal ways that I was not good enough. This website is about the fact that I had been given the message that I was a disappointment. It is about the way that I got broken down and the way that my self-esteem was formed (and deformed) and the damage of having lived under false definitions of love and respect.

Emerging from Broken is about self-validation after years of invalidation.

Emerging from Broken is about how I took my life back. It is about finding me and embracing myself and my rights as a human being. It is about embracing the truth about who I am (NOT who I was told I was) through discovering how I was not empowered to be who I am in the first place because it was through looking at all that that I was able to come out of the lies and emerge into the freedom of life in the sunshine of truth.

I emerged into the sunshine of truth by asking myself some key questions;

Did I reap what I had sown? And if so, HOW? What did I do that was so bad? Was it me who had caused the problems in my family? I was a kid when it all began so how could I have been the problem? I started to wonder why no one told my mother that SHE reaped what SHE had sown. I started to wonder about the truth in all of this; WHY was it my fault? Why did everyone want to blame me? Why was I told that I made my bed and now I had to lay in it?? What the hell did I do that was so wrong? My family taught me how to respond to things. My parents communicated to me who I was and how lacking I was. But does that make them right? Who actually made the bed that I was laying in? Was it really ME?

Did I really exasperate my mother? Was her exasperation really my fault and if so HOW and where did it start? Was there any truth to her question “what did I do to deserve this?” and if so, what is the focus of that truth? Perhaps as a parent she reaped what she had sown.

It was the answers ~ THE TRUTHFUL answers to some of those questions that got me started on the road to healing.

I was a quiet, moody and sometimes sullen child (or so I was told, all I remember is that I wasn’t very happy) but there was a reason for it. I wasn’t born that way. It wasn’t my personality. Something happened to me that caused me to be unhappy. And it was the resulting false messages that I got about me that were stuck in my belief system that kept me unhappy.

This was not my fault.

Knowing that being broken wasn’t my fault~ even just a glimpse of that truth was the beginning of my recovery. Then, armed with that tiny glimmer of truth, I was strong enough to move forward just a bit more. I kept looking for those false messages, examining them for the truth or the lies. Looking at the roots, looking at the belief, looking at the truth…. And so on and so on… rinse and repeat.  

This wasn’t my fault, but it was up to me to get to the other side of broken and that is what Emerging from Broken is all about. It’s about moving forward.

So now when I get nasty emails from upset mothers who think I am a spoiled trouble maker whining about some fictional terrible upbringing and discounting my right to tell my own story, I remind myself that the truth about what I am really doing is all right here in writing. I started Emerging from Broken because I wanted to heal the world. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of other hurting adult children from dysfunctional, controlling, abusive and manipulating families. I wanted to bust through the false messages that so many of us have about ourselves so that a greater majority of survivors of that dysfunctional family environment could move forward and live!

I didn’t make the bed that I had to lay in as a child, but I certainly have made a wonderful new bed for myself now! Doing this work for myself is the only action that finally set me free to be me!

My heart and my love are here in this site. It is for you. Each of you makes a difference to the success of this website and with each new truth discovered and embraced, there is a ripple effect going out into the world. Together we make a huge difference in healing the broken hearts! Thank you all for sharing my articles through different social media and for clicking the like button. Thank you all for your comments and for the donations that pay for the upkeep and continued publication of this site. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for helping me to achieve my goal of carrying the hope for healing and embracing life to the fullest to a broken and hurting world.

This year think about  what you really deserve; I finally have what I deserve; a life full of love, mutual respect and equal value, freedom, wholeness, peace and joy.

To sowing some new seeds and reaping the most awesome rewards ~Happy New Year to each and every one!  

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken BOOK is now available. You can get a copy of the EFB book by clicking the book image in the upper right side bar here or click this book title “Emerging from Broken ~ The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing”. 

 

For related posts please see the family category button and the mother daughter button above.

 

364 response to "Lonely Holidays and the Lie that “You Reap what You Sow”"

  1. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th September 2016

    Hi Asia
    Not sure what you mean when you say “you helped me too much”.
    Hope that is a good thing!
    Darlene

  2. By: Asia Posted: 15th September 2016

    YOU helped me toooooo much!!!!

  3. By: Hope Posted: 6th April 2016

    Hi Andria,

    Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I feel so anxious all the time and now my NM is calling me and acting like everything is fine. I turn 40 this year and have wasted so much time on negativity.
    I am taking baby steps to heal, even though I feel even more out of place for doing so. Cheers 🙂

  4. By: Andria Posted: 15th March 2016

    Hope,

    I believe that it is normal to be angry and aggressive when these things are happening to you. In many ways, your are fighting for your life! Do not blame yourself because you did not learn to deal with the situation at a young age. NO ONE learned any of this stuff at a young age. Many of us here are middle aged and older. I am 57 years old.

    You are in the company of many people whose parents did not care about them. I am sorry your mother gaslighted you, and your father just going along and enabling. I am sorry too that you lost friends, and are finding it hard to trust new people.

    It is normal in the beginning of healing to go through fazes of happiness that one is NC with your FOO and then feel sad that your family can’t be with you because all they give you is grief. Yes, people seem to do it for no reason. I didn’t get it either. I just had to accept for myself that my family did not care for me and treated me badly. I was scapegoated as well.

    You have to be patient with yourself. The pain will dissipate, but it may take longer than you like. I still think about my family. I am sorry for the stress and anxiety you feel. This is a very hard thing you are doing by going NC with your family. I am NC with my family. I don’t think you have anything wrong with you. Try not to beat yourself up so much. Tell yourself how strong you are for doing this difficult thing.

  5. By: Hope Posted: 15th March 2016

    Hi Darlene and everyone,
    I am still quite new to this life challenge (with an NPD mother, enabling and brainwashed father, a very sick sibling and me the scapegoat) and I know this thread is really old but to me it is still fresh and very painful.

    I was so aggressive and angry (till recently)at me, at the world and at my family for all the things that happened to me. Now I realize it is also ME who did not learn to deal with this situation from a young age. I really do feel so sad for taking this long to figure it all out. The signs were there but I was blind to them.

    I am sure that my brainwashing and controlled upbringing did not allow for me to learn these things earlier. I feel so much pain and internal hurt for having a mother who did this to me (apparently intentionally which hurts even more). My anger, my aggression, my loss of interest in everything I thought I was good at, my reluctance to succeed in everything in my life all due to one person, the person who was supposed to be happy that I was talented and social, my NM. And the worst thing is that my friends loved me and I pushed them all away as they just didn’t get me in the end. Now I know it was my growing pains that pushed them away (and my NM’s gaslighting). I wish I could take them back but I can’t. And now I am almost alone and find it extremely hard to trust new people.

    I go through fazes of happiness that I am NC with my FOO and then I go through days of just crying that I can’t have them all close to me as they give me constant grief, for NO reason. I just don’t get it.

    I just wish the pain would dissipate. I can’t live with them, but I just can’t stop thinking about them (although all negative). I feel so much stress and anxiety all the time just thinking about everything and everyone. What is wrong with me? Why do I beat myself up like this so much?

  6. By: Kris Posted: 4th February 2016

    That sucks Light. It amazes me just how much our mother’s are willing to let us suffer as long as they don’t have too. Recently my mother wrote me a nasty gram filled with all the things that she did for me since kindergarten, trying to prove what a great mother she was right along with accusing me of how I am still holding a grudge all because I refused to see her at Christmas and act as if the last 3 years of NC never happened right along with my diagnosis of DID!!! In that letter, and I quote, “when I married your father, I really took my vow very seriously-“till death do us part”. I am not a quitter and I try very hard to mean what I say.” She talks about everything but how my father abused me and how she sat back and not only watched that train wreck happen but participated in it by brainwashing me into believing that the things that were happening to me right in front of my face really weren’t happening, causing me to second guess my self my whole life.

    If she would have been honest with me instead of trying to cover up my father’s abusive behavior things would be so different for me now. I wrote back to her and said:

    “I am not sure why you felt the need to discuss the reason why you stayed married to dad but since you did this is how I feel about it. In my opinion you can marry who you want and be married as long as you want but what you can’t do is have it be at the expense of your own children’s well being and safety without thinking it will cause them problems later that they are going to react to.”

    I know it will fall upon deaf ears because staying in denial is more important to her then anything else but at least I got my truth out.

    I am sorry your mother was so thoughtless of you too.

    Peace,
    Kris

  7. By: Kris Posted: 4th February 2016

    S1988,

    I view my mother just as responsible if not more then my alcoholic father because she is the one who did everything in her power to cover the whole thing up including brainwashing me into thinking that my fathers abuse was ok that ended up abusing me even worse. I knew what I was getting from him as sick as that was but she was a whole other story. Betrayal upon betrayal upon betrayal that I am still trying to dig my way out of now.

  8. By: Light Posted: 3rd February 2016

    I once asked my mother why she stayed with my father and didn’t divorce him (after the sexual abuse came to light) and she said “I didn’t want to go through the trauma”.

    Thanks a lot… so that meant I had to be around him for every holiday and every visit. What about MY trauma?

  9. By: S1988 Posted: 3rd February 2016

    Carlos,

    Like Andria, I’m also wondering if your mother knows what’s going on. If she does, why didn’t she do anything to protect you and your sister from him, even if it meant getting a divorce? Why is she still married to him today? And why does she allow her abusive mother to live with you all?

    In my book, a parent who stands by, and lets the other one abuse is no better than the abuser.

  10. By: Londiwe Posted: 3rd February 2016

    Carl/Carlos, firstly I am so sorry that you are having to put up with such abusive treatment from your father but I am glad that you know that HE is the problem and not you.

    I must say that I LOVE the way that you express yourself.You are simply gifted in writing .Have you thought about starting a blog? I would definitely follow you .

    Best wishes and keep writing xx

  11. By: Andria Posted: 3rd February 2016

    Carlos,

    Again, so sorry for the way some of your family treats you. Please do not be sorry for the many posts. This is why Darlene created EFB! We are all here to tell our stories, and to be heard while telling our stories. This is the place to let it out man!

    I really took offense to your dad calling you a faggot! Happy holidays to dear old dad! He enjoys wielding the control over you because he is spending his money on taking his family on spectacular holiday vacations around the world. He is very sly in hiding his abuse to you from your mother and sister. I personally would be interested in hearing what your mother and sister say about how your father treats you. Have they ever witnessed the abusive behavior or have you ever told either of them how your father treats you?

    This abusive man has you walking on pins and needles where he does his own interpretations of your facial expressions and body language. Just waiting for what his next outburst will be is in itself a type of abuse. I know about these things because I walked on pins and needles around my mother and sister.

    I hope you just keep posting and posting and tell your story. Your story is very important. Not only to you, but to others trying to heal on this life journey. Best to you Carlos. Please take care of yourself.

    Big hug,
    Andria

    • By: Carlos Posted: 3rd February 2016

      Hi Andria, Londiwe and S1988,

      Yes I actually have made some of my family members hear me out on some of the abuse that I have received like:

      My sister

      -She knows my history with my Dad and in some of those occasions, I cried especially when I told her my fears about being a father someday. She provided me with comforting words and told me that she’ll be on my side if ever my father decided to bring his toxicity towards my, yet to be or better yet, never will be born children.
      -However she still is somehow close to my father (well she’s the favoured child I can’t change that), so she still sees him with a pair of rose tinted glasses. Of course they’d be close as my Dad is an Information Technology enthusiast and my sister recently just got accepted into a Bachelor’s degree of the same field in a prestigious University. But bottomline is, she knows, she cares and that’s good enough for me.

      My cousin

      -My Dad’s dream son, who happened to be around when I got hit over the European adapter packaging (He was my roommate for half of our trip). I didn’t want to involve him in any of this, but when he heard me crying, he was like: What’s wrong pal? So when I told him everything and I said that I will never forgive his uncle, his image towards him forever changed. He was like: Why would he do that do his son? From then on, we both talk about our respective problems from our families, but if we can avoid it, the topics are usually about video games or his countless girlfriends (oops sorry cuz).

      As for my Mom, she has comforted and defended me in the following situations:

      When my maternal grandma said I was worthless

      When grandma said that she should have just recruited me in a restaurant ages ago, my Mom came to my defence (Though it was quite embarrassing) and said: “Mom my son is studying an International Studies degree and will eventually get something out of that! If he wants to work as a kitchen hand whilst studying, I don’t mind! What’s important for me is that he’s getting work and experience! Some people I work with are studying medicine and they work part-time in a deli, I don’t go telling them: “Why are you studying medicine if you’re working in a deli!?”

      Of course my grandma lost this battle to her daughter, but to somewhat still seem as if she’s the one who was the victim, she was like: “I didn’t say that about him, I was just looking out for him geez!”

      I am still embarrassed that my Mom came to my defence, but no words can ever express how thankful I am for what she did to her own mother.

      As to why she’s living with us? Grandma doesn’t get along with my mother’s brother (Actually she doesn’t get along with either of them as she knows that she’s been proven wrong so many times by both of her children so no surprise there). Furthermore, my Mom handles all of my grandmother’s financial commitments (At times she’s had to pretend she was my grandmother, just so the latter doesn’t have to deal with all the stress). What does my Mom get for this? Every time my grandma talks to her friends and other family on the phone, she makes it sound as if she was doing all of her paperwork (Should I give her an award for that), and my gets not even a simple thank you.

      The glass situation

      -Regarding that glass of coke I knocked over by “accident”? She comforted me and told me to dry the tears. But bottomline is she didn’t just stand by and condone those two.

      My Mom and Dad have been on the rocks for quite some time and she has opened the possibility of a divorce (My Dad told me all of this). But my Dad, who felt as if he needed to be a saint, decided to stick with the marriage because he doesn’t want my sister and I to suffer and he couldn’t risk seeing us not living under a stable roof (Okay, I am thankful for that, but I am still angry at you Dad). So the current setup? Mom and Dad sleep in separate bedrooms, and only I know the real deal between the two (My sister would be devastated if she found out).

      As to why my Dad has been a bitch? I apparently remind him of my Mom whenever I have a certain facial reaction to a certain situation or when I react to him (It’s pretty clear that my Dad likes to get his way, and I am afraid that I am starting to show some of the same traits as well). I know Mom can be difficult at times, but that’s no reason for him to do whatever shit he’s put me through. He calls my Mom a control freak, yet he made me bend to his will for a couple of years (Hypocrite).

      The overall situation? All five of us still live under the same roof, with only three people successfully seeing through the self-righteous and narcissistic nature of those two. My Mom, sister and I may have had our differences, but they were not as severe as what the other two have done. To end it off, I really do hope that this never ending real life soap opera, will eventually have its final episode in which no one has to get hurt but at the same time no longer trying to relive what was once “good memories”. (Of course that’s too idealistic of an episode, which is why many soaps always have the villains look like the victims *cough* Once Upon A Time on ABC being a prime example).

      Thanks again for the responses guys,

      Kind regards,

      Carlos

  12. By: Carlos Posted: 3rd February 2016

    I was expecting this to be an article about confronting abuse during a family holiday until I read it. But I seriously have no idea as to where else this particular piece of mine would fit. I must admit, I have not been able to stop posting since I came across EFB so again sorry for the flood of posts and sorry for the many more countless sorries to come. Anyway here we go.

    Holidays, a time of joy and happiness. Well why wouldn’t it be when this is the time in which the stress of packing up your bags and booking flights and hotels, was truly worth all of the strenuous effort. The times in which you could potentially be in awe of the majestic view of Santorini in Greece, eating escargot in Paris and sushi rolls in Tokyo etc. However, what if I tell you that behind the scenes of taking photographs and enjoying the wonders of every country’s respective versions of Disneyland, come the abuse of which, could have at least remained where it came from, parents and other family members have decided to bring along using their extra luggage allowance. The one thing that you thought that could possibly be gone for at least a week or so has latched on to give you an unexpected kiss on the cheek, saying nah I don’t think so. From being hit on the face for not being able to open EU adapter packaging in 2014, to being treated like conducting a criminal offence over spilling a glass of coke by “accident” in 2008, I honestly can’t recall a time in which any of my holidays were just fun filled with joy and happiness.

    To add to what has already been said, let me take you all back to 2011, when we were in Tokyo. My father, mother, sister and I have decided to start the day off by having breakfast at McDonalds. Mom and sis sat separately from us, so naturally my Dad and I were the buddies. Dad, whilst a self-confessed hater of taking pictures of himself, decided to have some shots of himself having a McDonald’s style breakfast (so family back home in the Philippines could get a glimpse of Japan). So I was relegated to the role of photographer, which I don’t mind as it’s not as if he held me at gunpoint to take his pictures. What got to me is this particular scenario. We had at least four shots taken, however father dear forgot to have a picture with his trusty McMuffin so he’s like okay one more, just as I was about to return the camera in my bag. I gave a bit of a “seriously” look, but I was still willing to take the picture. But instead he took notice of my facial reaction and was like fine don’t take the picture then Jesus, I was only asking for a favor! Of course he had to tone it down a little as we were not that far away from the table where my mother and sister were just having a good time eating their breakfast. Meanwhile, just when I thought the hostility was over Dad was like: “You ungrateful fool, based on the reaction you gave to my request, you must be an ungrateful faggot as well.”

    Outside of Mcdonalds, the torture continued as we took the bus to Studio Ghibli. When we reached the said place, pictures outside of the building were a must. The “victim” proceeded to enthusiastically take pictures of my Mom and sister, but obviously to avoid letting them know of our little McDonald’s fiasco, Dad in a bellowing voice exclaimed: “Join the picture then.” Thought that was the end of it? No this guy is obviously going to milk every single opportunity to make me feel as if I have yet conducted another criminal offence. As we were inside Studio Ghibli, admiring all the various animation workshops and whatnot, I tried to approach Dad and talk about our situation. “Dad are we okay, am I still in your bad books?” the child like innocence of my voice in my then 17 year old self said to my Dad. To which he followed up with: “Son never did I think that you would be such a difficult person when it comes to my favours, do you want me to stop doing favours for you?” He threateningly said. Followed by a no from me, the “victim” continued: “It’s okay son, at least now I know not to ask favours from you from now on. One day you’ll experience what I felt when you become a father and you will know that I was right.” (Justifying your actions I see) Fast-forward five years later: “Carl can you do me a favour my beloved son”? “You know what I am glad that you’re helping around the house and that you’re helping me when I need you.”

    So from Carlos’ perspective, he is never allowed to have drama to be absent whenever he is on holiday. That’s like the third holiday with drama that I have survived and you know what come at me bro to all those next couple of holidays where abuse and drama will continue to be an additional piece of turmoil in our luggage compartments. Rumor has it that we’re going to Hawaii/or New York for the Christmas and New Year’s Eve seasons this 2016 and you know what I don’t really care anymore if I get hit for not opening packaging again or be called an incompetent criminal and what not. Because I now know for a fact that I was not and never will be whatever shit they called me out for. I’ll be quite surprised if this particular holiday will be stress free, but honestly I am prepared for the storm that is to come.

  13. By: kelly Posted: 11th May 2015

    Chris 346
    I am truly sorry that you need to have the kind of validation that comes from someone who probably never validated you from long ago.. I too was looking for the validation that yeah someone should take RESPONSIBILITY for their actions and reactions and intentions.
    A TRUE NARCISSIST Does not regard any of the Universal Conditions for other people like Actions, Reactions, and Intentions. They have no regard, no remorse, and of course no conscience. Without these they can never be a part of a World of Compassion.
    They will destroy before create. The words that you are looking for come from the create side of life. Where the NARC is totally part of the destroy side of life.
    YOU don’t need the words from your NARC you need to be able to TELL YOURSELF The words of Compassion and Love.
    AND THIS REALLY LOOKS LIKE THERE WAS A MOTHERS DAY ISSUE HERE WELL IT’S REALLY NICE NOT BEING A PART OF A DAY THAT SAYS I HAD A MOTHER WHEN I REALLY DIDN’T!
    ALL MOTHER DAYS HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM MY CALENDAR AND NOW I ONLY CELEBRATE THE REAL MOTHERS OUT THERE, THE ONES WHO ARE PRESENTLY PARENTING THEIR OWN CHILDREN. NO MORE FOR NON-ACTIVE MOTHERS OR NARC MOTHERS EVER.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th May 2015

      Hi Everyone
      I can’t keep up with all the comments anymore therefore I am closing comments on all posts over 150 days. This will be done automatically and I am sorry if the comments shut down in the middle of an active conversation.
      Please feel free to share anything you wish on the more current posts.
      Hugs, Darlene

  14. By: kelly Posted: 11th May 2015

    Hi Chris & DXS,
    I had the Most exhilarating experience since going NC with my MNPD 3yrs ago, that evil NPD walked right past both of her daughters without even a blink… She could care less and would rather not have us around because we cause her grief, hah… She walked right into a restaurant with her friends like she didn’t even have us, know us, was even related to us. I am SO GOOD with that I FELT NICE. I FELT HAPPY. Not resentful happy just plain HAPPY, her and her issues do not touch me anymore.
    I will not ever have anything to do with another narcissist they will never change no matter what is don, shrinks, psychologists, counseling, there is absolutely nothing that can be done to change these horrible people they have and always will take everything and anything from their “victims” alive or dead. they don’t care never will care never will feel anything for anyone EVER. They are all about themselves and what they are owed what they want what they get and who they destroy doesn’t matter to them. EVEN IF YOU SPOON FEED THEM THE WORDS IF YOU BELIEVED THEM COMING FROM THAT FACE YOU WILL BE FOOLED AGAIN OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THEY WILL TELL YOU WHATEVER YOU NEED TO HEAR SO THEY CAN HAVE YOU BACK IN THEIR SHOW. THEY WILL HUMILIATE YOU THEY WILL FEED OFF OF YOU THEY WILL DO WHAT THEY ALWAYS HAVE DONE. WITHOUT ANY COMPASSION OR REMORSE!!!!!!
    Really don’t let them have that kind of POWER.
    kelly Really Free and know it!!!

  15. By: DXS Posted: 11th May 2015

    Chris, my mom won’t even do that if I SPOON FEED her the exact words. I really don’t want to spoon feed, I’d rather she admit with her own words. Therapists tell me this will never happen, but I guess as long as she is alive, I still have hope.

  16. By: Chris Posted: 10th May 2015

    And at least admit her wrongs in some way to me before she dies.

  17. By: Chris Posted: 10th May 2015

    My mother was the over controlling, helicopter mother, I was marionette, she pulled the strings. It will be 6 years of no contact soon, in August 2009, I issued an ultimatum after years of attacking me after I finally stood up to her about 4 years before going NC. After going to counseling for 3 years, this Mother’s Day I finally have no hate in my heart for her. I just figure she is lonely and sad, angry, but, hey that’s her choice to feel that way now. I choose to feel happy. I do still feel a little sad at times and miss her, because there were some good times, but she went full attack on me after I decided to have a relationship with my dad, 7 years after they divorced, and that’s is when the controlling behaviors kicked in full swing after my daughter was born. After I stood up to her because she kept nagging me about all sorts of things, and hated that I had a relationship with my dad, she went full throttle on me after I told her off. That’s when the evil came out and I was shocked, devastated, and severely hurt, depressed and even had suicidal thoughts, which I struggled with on and off for a long time. Counseling, prayers, understanding friends, and some relatives on my dad’s side, this is the 5th mother’s day without her. This is the first time I feel so much better. My daughter still feels the effects, and partly my fault because she had to see me go through that and also my mom tried to manipulate her as well, grooming her to hate me. I wish I could get back together, you know, because “absence makes the heart grown fonder”, but it also makes you forget. She never apologized for anything in her entire life. Ever. Everything about the divorce, my life with her before the divorce was, in my mother’s exact words “through no fault of my own” because she believes she is the perfect mother, the victim, and can’t admit that she is broken, imperfect and her grandiose pride keeps her from truly seeing how messed up she is. Sad, because she has married a man who is so narcissistic and materialistic. But she sacrifices her own self esteem to live with this man who is all about image, money, status, and power. I feel sorry for her. She doesn’t scare me anymore. She needs serious help se is a severely broken and lost soul, no friends, just the few family members that believe her sob stories and lies. 2 out of 3 children don’t talk to her. THe other is too afraid and has married a wife just like his mother. She has torn the family to shreds. Still walking around. I just pray one day she will turn around and see what horrible things she has caused for her children and grandchildren.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th May 2015

      Hi Chris,
      Welcome to EFB~
      Thank you for sharing, you are not alone. I hope you will join the conversation on the more current posts. 🙂
      hugs, Darlene

      Hi Everyone
      I can’t keep up with all the comments anymore therefore I am closing comments on all posts over 150 days. This will be done automatically and I am sorry if the comments shut down in the middle of an active conversation.
      Please feel free to share anything you wish on the more current posts.
      Hugs, Darlene

  18. By: Amber Posted: 6th January 2015

    Sorry about all the typos in my last post! I was typing fast to keep up with the feelings that were pouring out and while the spelling was poor, the feelings came out clearly!
    Andria, As I said, I am so glad we both got to vent today! I see a lot of similarities in the things we both dealt with. Up to and including not getting any appreciation for all we did. Have a good night, ” retired workhorse” from your fellow former workhorse!

  19. By: Amber Posted: 6th January 2015

    Andria, I am glad you are letting it all out today just as I am. My mother is gone almost 3 years now, and that incident I described happened during our last visit. She lived three thousand miles from me and wanted me to fly in a t my expense of course every 6 months to take her to her doctor appts. Keep in mind, an aide from her assisted living could also have done this. She didn’t want either of joy brothers burdened because they were ” living their lives”. One of them lived in the as me state as her, not close by but much closer than me.

    In my mothers healthier years she never once, not once came in to help me with my special needs child or my other child. Sh basically stopped coming to visit the year my daughter was diagnosed with disabilities. Before that she and her freeloading husband would come in and use my house like a hotel and pick fights with relatives and try to involve me. When I tried to stay neural she would rage at me. I’m giving this background because despite how little she was willing to do for me, she liked to place enormous and unreasonable burdens on me. She loved to see me do the dance, and to sit back and tell everyone how the burden was all on Amber. Yet she never gave anything of herself to me.

    She was a nasty mother while I was growing up. I can’t count how many times she called me ugly. She acted like she was ashamed of me. She bought both of my brothers graduation pictures and displayed them in the living room. She wouldn’t buy mine because she thought it was ugly and told me she would only pay for wallet sized ones that I could give to friends but she didn’t want the big one to display. I also remember going to a carnival at the place where she worked. A co worker approached her and she introduced my brother to her, but not me even though I was right next to him. She didn’t want the co worker to know I was her ” ugly daughter”. She ignored things that were important to me. She wouldn’t even stay home to take pictures and see me off to my Junior Prom. She timed her divorce poorly too, heading to Mexico for a quick one on the day I was leaving for college for the first time. Then in the middle of me planning my wedding she picked up with her freeloader husband and moved 3000 miles away leaving me to deal with the things most mothers love to be around to help with like dress fittings, choosing flowers, catering menus music, photographers etc. I was young and timid and scared doing it all myself, but on the positive side, I did it and did it well and gained some confidence from it. But I always felt the hurt of her lack of interest. Fast forward a couple of years and guess who had NO interest in her grandchildren?? And THIS is the woman who thought she could demand anything she wanted from me in her later years. That’s why I didn’t feel bad just walking out that day when she was in the hospital and accused me of lying about my husband and daughter waiting downstairs, and then giving me the silent treatment. By the next day she was home and fine and ready to make new demands. The day after that as we were checking out of her hotel she accused us of not helping her with everything she needed. She wouldn’t let us take her to do her banking when we first came, then when we had to leave she yelled at us and said we had to stay because she wanted to go to the bank. Since my brother was going to be there in the next couple of weeks I told her she could wait until then since what she wanted to do wasn’t urgent.

    Whew, that was a lot, but a once I started typing I needed to get it all out.
    HAPPILY retired work horses that is a great expression Andria! This workhorse quit her job when her mothers demands got ridiculous and highly manipulative.

  20. By: Andria Posted: 6th January 2015

    Amber, that is exactly what I said to my husband, that is biting the hand that feeds you. Yep, that sure is a doozie of a comment your mother made to you while you were helping and being with her in the hospital. It is all about them all the time. Calling you a liar, refusing to talk to you, manipulating to try to make you feel guilty. She could not even think about any one else. Not even her granddaughter who had challenges too.

    This reminds me of the last time I saw my mother alive. She had triple bypass surgery. After she was out of recovery and awake to see us, she says, “I guess it takes me to be in the hospital to come and see me.” I don’t think I acknowledged the remark. Just glossed it over. I travelled to see my parents at least once a year. They were retired. My husband and I were both working full time, and were just trying to squeeze days off with each other. I would ask them to come down to visit us. They would sometimes, but it was really up to me to make the trek. Of course they would go to visit my sister.

    It took my parents a year and a half to come and see our house we had bought in an historic district in Louisville, KY. It was not a spectacular house, but it was nice and we were very proud to live there. It hurt my feelings to know that when my sister bought her first house they were there immediately helping with the yard and other things in the house. When my father lived with us, I brought this story and others up in his face. He said some platitude crap, but he didn’t give a damn.

    The last fight I had with my sister was about the same thing my mother brought up when she was in the hospital. My sister and her family were visiting us and she started spewing about why I had not been up to Chicago to see them. It was true that I had not travelled up to see them since our father moved into my house. But I made sure I told my sister before dad moved in that I was NOT going up to Chicago to see them. If I have dad in my house you make the effort to come down here and visit him. I reminded her of that statement I had made to her years earlier. I did not care if she remembered me saying it or not. It is what I wanted to do. Why should I schlep up there to visit them? She probably would have liked me to bring dad along with me too! Like I didn’t need a break from caring for him. That would have been convenient for her. She would not have to bother to make the six hour drive south. Again, it is all about how they want things to be. My family just did not care about my needs or wants.

    I guess I am letting it out today! Amber, we worked really hard to get some love and appreciation for our giving and sacrifices. We didn’t get what we were looking for from our family, but we are happily retired workhorses! What I like to say is that I have a clean conscious. I went above and beyond the call of duty. I don’t think anyone in my family will ever ask me for anything, but my conscious will be clean and clear when I say no.

    Andria

  21. By: Amber Posted: 6th January 2015

    Wow, Andria, is that ever biting the hand that feeds you!! You were doing all that work and still people complain. I know, I have been there done that too. My mother was a big one to complain while I was helping her. My last visit to her, which was 3000 miles away we had to take her to the emergency room. She was transferred to a regular room and I went up to see her while my husband waited downstairs with my special needs daughter who has a hard time with anything medical. After visiting awhile I said I had to go because they were waiting downstairs. My mother accused me of lying to her to get out of staying there with her. She turned away from me and refused to talk to me. Here I had done so much for her, had been with her most of the night before, and my family was waiting downstairs as to not expose my daughter anymore than necessary to the hospital atmosphere, and my mother is manipulating he with a fight, accusing me of lying. I just said that I had to go and would be back that evening. She was no longer in any danger at that point, and was sure strong enough to argue, and kick the person ( figuratively) who had been helping her.

  22. By: Andria Posted: 6th January 2015

    Yeah Amber, it sure does hurt when you give and give and only get the one sided relationship. Both my sister and my husband’s sister are self centered. These are the only siblings we have between us. It has always amazed me how children from the same family turn out so different. They both thought they could say whatever they wanted to me, and it was okay. I let it slide for many years. Then I got verbally abused again and said to myself NO MORE. My husband was done with my sister many years ago. It took me a while to convince him that his sister was not worth the effort to try to include her in the fabric of our lives. He even would tell me that she liked me. He was just trying to smooth things over with me. Finally, one day when he was talking on the phone with her; she made a comment that she was privy to their parents’ conversations about me: the parents said I never did enough for my husband. She made a big boo boo in telling my husband that statement. And here I had taken care of both their parents while they were sick and dying. My my. That is certainly a nice remark about someone who in your words Amber is a “workhorse”. Well this feels good telling this story here. I have told some friends this story, and they gave me good feed back. Like Jennifer B. put it ;if you have the experience you can understand it better. You had to live it.

  23. By: Jennifer bales Posted: 6th January 2015

    Don’t ever for a second feel anything different than your true feelings…. I also try to understand why people don’t get what it truly means to be without a child hood, raised with love or compassion. It’s been 5 yrs and I still have NO Mother and NO Grandmother for my children or Self.
    I go thru the Cycles of Grief…. over and Over ( endlessly) .
    I greatly appreciate your site…. It’s is a Gross Truth that society just sweeps this type thing under …. And if you do open up and share your truth it’s unbelievable to most.
    So Thank you for giving (Abandoned Adult Children of Abusers!) a place of Comfort.
    Again…. Unbelievable to most, But for people like us a website is a lot of times the only place of comfort and healing.
    So those who think they have the Knowledge of what it feels like to be one of Us….. you have No Clue. You couldn’t even begin to imagine because you didn’t live it! So don’t Judge another for what you don’t have the experience to understand.

  24. By: Amber Posted: 5th January 2015

    Andria, I too thought I would gain love through giving. This applies to my mother as well as many others in my life. I was the giver, the caretaker, the holiday workhorse. As much help as I gave my mother, did she care more? No! Still the same self centered woman , still the same one sided relationship. Sad that the givers are not respected and get tossed aside. I had to learn to say NO. I’m getting better but still have a ways to go.

  25. By: Andria Posted: 5th January 2015

    Amber, I am not sure why this seems to be true. In my case it was probably my father feared the wrath of my sister if he asked her to do anything for him. His relationship with her was way more important than his relationship with me. My father always had excuses for why my sister behaved badly. She is quite selfish, and never wants to be put out by having to do things for others. I thought he might care about me if I helped him, but I got tossed aside.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.