Little Lies Accepted as Truth and Belief System Formation

Facebook90k
Facebook
Twitter4k
Youtube126
Youtube
LinkedIn26

 

belief system lies
lies build on each other

When my son T.J. was a little guy, between the ages of 3 and 6 he was a big fan of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks Hockey Team. Jim, (my husband) always teased him that the Mighty Ducks played hockey with crutches and canes. His Daddy told him that they didn’t even have a real goalie; that Granny Smith played in net. It was a big joke in our family.  T.J. would wear his Mighty Ducks jacket and his Mighty ducks jersey and everyone would ask him if he was a fan and he would tell  that the Mighty Ducks were the BEST ever hockey team! And Jimmy would tease him and say “NO WAY… the mighty ducks play with crutches and canes, they can’t really compete with any other hockey team”….. and so it went for a few years. 

As you can imagine T.J. was really excited when Daddy finally took him to his first real hockey game to see the Mighty Ducks play against Jim’s favorite team, the Calgary Flames.

But when the two hockey teams skated out onto the ice, his excitement truned to confusion. T.J. was really shocked and in all seriousness said to his father “Dad…. They don’t play hockey with crutches and canes.. they have hockey sticks.” And still very serious he commented  “Dad.. there isn’t an old granny in the net. They have a goalie. “

TJ had already begun to play hockey himself and really loved the game. He had even begun to understand the game.  No one in our family thought that Jim telling TJ those stories was anything but teasing. Neither Jim nor I ever once suspected that TJ didn’t know that it was teasing but that he believed that Jim was telling the truth. And he was shocked AND confused to realize that it was not the truth. He had been told over and over for years that the Mighty Ducks played hockey with crutches and canes and that their only goalie was “Granny Smith”. That had become “the truth” to him.

And if you think about it ~ WHY wouldn’t TJ believe his father?  He had no reason to doubt him.

Perhaps you have been reading my blog and trying to sort some of the belief system stuff out in your own life. Perhaps you have discovered some of the foundations where the lies were born and you can’t seem to change the way you still believe them. People tell me all the time that that “everyone can’t be wrong about them”. And I say why not?

A belief system comes from somewhere. It is built through stories, experience, events trauma, joy, punishment; it is made up of everything true, false, good and bad. It becomes part of you. It IS your reality. The best way that I know to explain how I recovered from all this stuff is to look at how I came to accept the lies and how they just naturally settled in my mind and became the truth. A false truth.

Here is another illustration. Say you had lived your whole life in a secluded or segregated society that taught you that the color blue was called red, and when you are 35 years old you find out that the rest of the world believes Blue is called Blue… it would be very hard to accept and believe that blue is really not called red. At first you would argue that the Blue they believe in is really called Red.  You wouldn’t believe that this new society is right. How can they be? You might fight them and then fight yourself. You would call up your original society to see if they ever heard about it. They might get angry at you for doubting them. Maybe you would get the feeling that they HAD heard about it and hidden it from you. Maybe they refuse to explain the reasons behind why they call Blue, Red.  Maybe they wouldn’t listen to you at all.

If you did come around to believing that this new way of seeing Blue was in fact right, you might have to change the word Red to Blue in your head for years while you are trying to rewire that the society you came from was wrong. Changing a belief system is hard when it is established from such a young age. 

Finally you realize that you have believed your whole life the false truth that Blue is Red. You are sure of it now.  You have renewed strength to go back to prove it to the people who always told you that the opposite was true. They deserve to know the truth!

When they resist you, mock you, ignore you, laugh at you and tell the rest of the community that you have always been a little crazy and this just proves the point, once again, you may doubt that your new truth is actually the truth after all. (see **Note)

A belief system is very hard to change. The wires are all wired in the wrong way and there are a lot of them. But with some effort and determination, I completely re-wired my belief system and found the roots of that false truth and was able to achieve emotional healing. There is plenty of hope!  

Please share. 

Darlene Ouimet

**Note; you may mistakenly think that unless “they” believe you, that you must be wrong. I personally had a huge problem with this; I honestly thought that unless they believed me AND thereby VALIDATED me as being right, I wasn’t right. So, I was wrong and worse than just being wrong, I was USED to being wrong. That was part of my belief system too!  Darlene

Related posts ~ False Normal Systems about Love and Self Love

Emotional Healing and busting through brainwashing

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

99 response to "Little Lies Accepted as Truth and Belief System Formation"

  1. By: Donna Posted: 19th May 2012

    Darlene, “little white lies”, like my sister had “nerve problems” when in fact she got the worst of the abuse, but that’s what my parents used to tell everyone. I had “authority” issues because rather than let him get his way with me, I fought back or at least that’s what I remember (so much is still blocked), so I got the physical abuse. It got so bad that I stayed away from the house as much as I possibly could, even past my curfew times, knowing that I was going to get it when I got home. And they hid behind their religious beliefs. I hated going to church watching him stand up there as a deacon and pillar of the church professing to be this Christian, all the while in the privacy of his home, he was abusing his wife and children. To this day, I have control issues. My first marriage failed because my ex tried to control me. As I look back, I realize he was too much like my father. I moved out as soon as I graduated, and we married very young. My husband now is nothing like my ex or my father. He has been so supportive of me and all my issues.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 19th May 2012

      Hi Donna,
      YES that is the big thing ~ the abuse cause life long damage; that is what we are doing here; validating and healing from that damage!
      hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Karenina Posted: 18th May 2012

    Oh just one more?

    My mama said, “Poor GG (golden girl) has had allergies all her life. She used to get croup, and I would get in the shower with her and hold her in my arms, and rock her back and forth until she could breathe right. Then I would dry off, dry her off so gently, and rock her sweet little body in my arms watching over her all night long. I am so glad that you have always been such a healthy child, not like poor little GG.”

  3. By: Karenina Posted: 18th May 2012

    My mama said that when I was a baby, I hardly ever cried. I hardly even babbled. I just *sat there* and looked around or *stared off into space.*

    My mama said that I was such a *good, quiet baby* that a family friend began to worry about me. The friend said that maybe I was deaf, and that was why I never babbled like other babies, and why I never cried very much.

    My mama said that when she was pregnant with me, she was miserable. That she had a bad tooth and two little ones to care for. That she didn’t breast feed me like the others, she was just too sick.

    My mama said, when I asked her once why there were so few photos of me as a baby, toddler, small child, that we were too poor to afford film during that time. (Though not a year went by without plenty of photos of my older brother and sister, or my two year younger brother.)

    My mama said to her confidante, not knowing I could hear, “I did not want these last two children. They were certainly not my idea! L. (my dad) insisted on sex and got me pregnant. I told him Karenina was HIS to raise, I had mine, these were HIS. But I have to deal with them anyway, sigh, because he has to work shift work so I can work day shift.”

    My mama said, to her mother, thinking I wouldnt understand what I heard… or perhaps knowing I could and not caring…”I just can’t love Karenina. She looks like L.’s people (my dad’s) not like me. Sometimes it’s hard to realize she was ever inside me, she’s so unlike me.” My grandmother said, to my horror, but in my defense, “Her coloring is not like you, but she looks a lot like you in her features, Mildred.” My mama looks hard at my features, holding my little face between her hands, “Well, maybe, but I can’t see it.”

    My mama said,”You had earaches, and ran high fevers. Many a night I had to sit up with you all night, so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I would fall asleep and you would start your screaming and wake me up all over again.”

    My mama said “You were born defective. You have two ureters from one of your kidneys. You had real bad infections and we had to give you sulfa drugs until you outgrew it. I nearly went crazy with your crying and complaining.”

    My mama said, “You are too old to be wetting this bed! (I am 3, still with kidney pain) I am going to spank you every morning until you stop this!”

    My mama said, “One time when you were just a toddler, you were outside in the yard playing and bent over, and a rooster found a little hole in your panties, and pecked your butt. Your daddy wrung that rooster’s neck. That rooster was an Easter chick pet of GB and GG (my golden older brother and sister) that I had let them raise in the yard. They cried and cried, and when I cooked it they would not eat a bit of it. Poor little children, they were so upset.”

    My mama said, “One time when you were just a toddler, you were out in the yard playing, and picked up a bee right off a flower.” She acted it out playing the part of me, with me looking vacant and dumb, picking up a bee. “I could not believe you had done that. Picked up a bee, for heaven’s sake. Your little hand swelled up until the skin started to crack. I was afraid we might have to take you to the doctor, but you got over it, finally.”

    My mama said, “You were such a daydreamer. You would just sit there, looking out the window, with one eye crossed in toward your nose. It’s a wonder it didn’t stick that way.”

    My mama said, “I love you, Karenina. I always have.”

    My mama said, “

  4. By: MZC Posted: 18th May 2012

    Darlene, your posts are so good for me. I find something relevant in every one of them.

    I was lied to by my mother, not so much in flat statements, but in her repeated actions toward me. I was shoved into my little coat so often as she got me ready for school I got the message–I was ruining her life. I loved her and wanted her to be happy, so I thought that the way to do that was to remove myself from her life–I told a little classmate that I felt like sticking a knife in my heart. I was, oh, around 7 or 8.

    Just a couple of years ago, she herself told me that, unlike other mothers, she was not happy to see the yellow school buses because that meant that she had to stay up after her third-shift job and get me ready for school. Ah, that explains the coat thing. I am so sorry I was born, mom, you couldn’t go to bed until after I left the house.

    But that wasn’t the real reason. It was because she has NPD and someone will pay for any situation that she finds displeasing to her. The fact that she had to take care of me as a single mother was not pleasant to her even after I learned to get myself ready for school, and she made that clear in myriad ways.

    I grew up believing I wasn’t worth the air I breathed. I wanted to die so many times, and tried to make that happen twice. After the second time, I found someone to talk to who began telling me some truths–it was hard, after so many decades, to wrap my head around them. But she made sense. My experiences I had had did not mesh with reality, and I slowly came around to believing I WAS worth the air I breathed, and so much more.

    It has been a rewiring in my brain–you know, it’s not just a metaphor; your neurons, as you start believing truth, start sending messages over your new “truth tracks” in your brain–and it’s been so slow, but then, things had been quite firmly entrenched for quite awhile; the train had been running on the same lie-engendered tracks for so long it was running by itself, and I had to purposefully tell myself things that most people grow up just knowing because their tracks haven’t been laid by lying, resentful, narcissistic people.

    For a long time, my truth train started out of the station after the lie train did, and that was while I was telling myself the truth (sometimes actually out-loud talking to myself). Then it started leaving at the same time, and that was when things got confusing and I had to choose quickly which one I’d be on. Now the truth train is beginning to leave the lie train at the station. It feels so good after so long feeling badly.

    I am hoping everyone else on here gets their truth train beating out their lie train. Keep plugging away, everyone.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th May 2012

      Hi MCZ
      YAY for the truth train! That is awesome! I love your comments. Thank you for sharing with me.
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Donna Posted: 18th May 2012

    This is so my family…….they called them little white lies.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th May 2012

      Hi Donna,
      Ya, I heard that “little white lies” thing too… jeeze..
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Ronnie Posted: 14th June 2011

    My belief system is indeed skewed. That is as much as I can acknowledge at this time. This is the beginning and where I am currently.

    Another thought came to me: I have always hated it when I talk about something that occurred when I was abused and someone says, “I believe you if no one else does.” I do not need people to believe me! I know what happened and that it is not my imagination or a lie. While I appreciate the support and the sentiment expressed, those comments somehow feel condescending to my story, life, and memories. This is somewhat of a tangent from the original quote but is what came to mind immediately upon reading the post.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th June 2011

      Hi Ronnie
      That sounds like a great place to begin!
      I have heard that expression too! I never thought about it that way though! You are right, that is an ODD thing to say isn’t it? It sounds manipulative too.
      Thanks for highlighting that point.
      Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: joy Posted: 27th May 2011

    Darlene:

    Another great blog.. I guess I have many different belief systems intertwined that I need to sort out. I am so glad it doesn’t have to be done in one day. I think the biggest belief systme I need to work on is my value as a human being. I tell myself that the past things said over and over are not true..but I see many of my reactions are programmed by that old way of believing.

    I love how you explain things.

    joy

    I

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.