Sometimes I get comments from people that are so filled with judgement that I don’t even consider publishing them. I am sharing the following comment with you today because it is a fantastic example of the judgement that is out there in the world about what we reveal when it comes to our dysfunctional family stuff. I didn’t publish this comment on the post it came in on~ I didn’t see the point in giving this woman a voice and her comment is so ridiculous ~ especially since it is from this total stranger who doesn’t know me, my story or my family.
This comment speaks volumes about her judgements; she really thinks that she knows my family history and sides with my father. She offers proof that I misunderstood my father’s intentions and decides that it is up to me to mend this broken fence. She absolves my father of all responsibility for the abandonment that I suffered at his hands.
And because this kind of lecture is SO common, and since we have been hearing this kind of stuff since childhood, it is easy to get sucked into this kind of judgement and “feel bad” for MY actions; or at least it might have made me feel bad 5 years ago. Today I was shocked. I thought “how the heck does this woman KNOW anything about my parents or what happened in my family or to my mother? Why does she think she knows anything about my father, his decisions, his actions or his intentions?
I didn’t publish this comment on the post where she left it because this kind of stuff heaps more damage on the already damaged reader. I am publishing it today to highlight a typical example of what survivors of abuse and dysfunctional family stuff hear all the time from judgemental and unhelpful people.
This comment originally came in on the post “The Foundation of a Dysfunctional Mother Daughter Relationship” Here is the comment:
“It seems to me from my perspective, that the move of the family may have been your dad’s way of perhaps, “A new environment would improve your mom’s outlook on life.” Unknowingly a move is a big stress factor, a situation that burdens a family so much that at times it collapses. It appears your Father was emotionally drained (as you are now) by your Mom. He probably in all fairness felt your Mom could better care for the children. I don’t know if he was supportive $$$. If he was, this seems to support the theory that because of his overload with your mom, he felt she would better nurture you guys. You don’t know that your mother asked him to stay away. You also don’t know his side. You only know what your Mom wants you to know. Give the fellow a chance. Do not pull him into your Mom’s and yours relationship, but just form a friendship with him and leave your mom, and the past where it belongs. Reach out to your Dad in love and chances are at first he will wonder why you’ve contacted him, but the relationship, if you leave the past behind, can evolve into one of mutual love and respect.”
I don’t even know where to start to pick this kind of comment apart because it is so crazy! How on earth does she come to these conclusions??? But I didn’t post this comment to justify what I wrote in the original post. I published it here now to show you that people who say stuff like this don’t actually know what they are talking about therefore we don’t have to give them credibility. This woman is a total stranger who is judging me and my decisions concerning my parents from one blog post about when my father left my mother. How can she possibly have “a perspective”? She has no clue about the truth here and so I don’t have to give her any weight in my life. Her opinion doesn’t matter. I don’t owe her any explanations. I don’t need to fill in the gaps so she understands my decisions or my conclusions. She is simply wrong and furthermore, it is none of her business. And the same goes for people who think they DO know me.
That is how it is with most of the people who tell us that we are ‘wrong’. They don’t know the whole story. They don’t want to hear the whole story. They have their own reasons for wanting us to sweep our stories under the carpet and we don’t have to understand those reasons in order to move forward with our lives.
The next time someone tells you to ‘leave the past where it belongs’ ~ consider that the person advising you to do that is either the one who doesn’t want their treatment of you exposed OR that they too have burdens they are afraid to deal with. Consider that they really don’t have a clue what the past they want you to leave without sorting out, IS. Consider that these people are advising you to keep carrying that burden by not letting you lay it down by talking about it in order to deal with it.
Consider becoming the captain of your own ship and the master of your own life and consider that you deserve to have freedom of speech. You have a right to tell your story. It’s yours to tell. You deserve freedom and wholeness. You deserve to move forward and away from the past by facing the truth about that past without anyone else having a say about the way you do that.
These people have their own agenda. It isn’t that they don’t understand, it’s that they don’t want to understand. This comment is about the woman who wrote it and about HER fear. Comments like these from family members come from the same mind set.
I don’t have to care what her motive or her trigger is. I only have to assure myself that I do not have to engage in any kind of justification for my decisions with anyone. I can simply dismiss them.
And I do.
Please share your thoughts about people who tell you that you are wrong when it comes to your own story or about any other aspect of this subject. Your privacy is important and you are free to use any name you wish in the comment form. Only the name you use in the comment form will be seen by others. Although Emerging from Broken has a facebook page, the comments on this page are not posted there.
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