How to Recognize when Your Best Interests are NOT Considered

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silencing child abuseSometimes I get comments from people that are so filled with judgement that I don’t even consider publishing them. I am sharing the following comment with you today because it is a fantastic example of the judgement that is out there in the world about what we reveal when it comes to our dysfunctional family stuff.  I didn’t publish this comment on the post it came in on~ I didn’t see the point in giving this woman a voice and her comment is so ridiculous ~ especially since it is from this total stranger who doesn’t know me, my story or my family.

This comment speaks volumes about her judgements; she really thinks that she knows my family history and sides with my father. She offers proof that I misunderstood my father’s intentions and decides that it is up to me to mend this broken fence. She absolves my father of all responsibility for the abandonment that I suffered at his hands.

And because this kind of lecture is SO common, and since we have been hearing this kind of stuff since childhood, it is easy to get sucked into this kind of judgement and “feel bad” for MY actions; or at least it might have made me feel bad 5 years ago. Today I was shocked. I thought “how the heck does this woman KNOW anything about my parents or what happened in my family or to my mother? Why does she think she knows anything about my father, his decisions, his actions or his intentions? 

I didn’t publish this comment on the post where she left it because this kind of stuff heaps more damage on the already damaged reader.  I am publishing it today to highlight a typical example of what survivors of abuse and dysfunctional family stuff hear all the time from judgemental and unhelpful people.

This comment originally came in on the post “The Foundation of a Dysfunctional Mother Daughter Relationship”  Here is the comment:

“It seems to me from my perspective, that the move of the family may have been your dad’s way of perhaps, “A new environment would improve your mom’s outlook on life.” Unknowingly a move is a big stress factor, a situation that burdens a family so much that at times it collapses. It appears your Father was emotionally drained (as you are now) by your Mom. He probably in all fairness felt your Mom could better care for the children. I don’t know if he was supportive $$$. If he was, this seems to support the theory that because of his overload with your mom, he felt she would better nurture you guys. You don’t know that your mother asked him to stay away. You also don’t know his side. You only know what your Mom wants you to know. Give the fellow a chance. Do not pull him into your Mom’s and yours relationship, but just form a friendship with him and leave your mom, and the past where it belongs. Reach out to your Dad in love and chances are at first he will wonder why you’ve contacted him, but the relationship, if you leave the past behind, can evolve into one of mutual love and respect.”

I don’t even know where to start to pick this kind of comment apart because it is so crazy! How on earth does she come to these conclusions??? But I didn’t post this comment to justify what I wrote in the original post. I published it here now to show you that people who say stuff like this don’t actually know what they are talking about therefore we don’t have to give them credibility. This woman is a total stranger who is judging me and my decisions concerning my parents from one blog post about when my father left my mother.  How can she possibly have “a perspective”? She has no clue about the truth here and so I don’t have to give her any weight in my life. Her opinion doesn’t matter. I don’t owe her any explanations. I don’t need to fill in the gaps so she understands my decisions or my conclusions. She is simply wrong and furthermore, it is none of her business. And the same goes for people who think they DO know me. 

That is how it is with most of the people who tell us that we are ‘wrong’. They don’t know the whole story. They don’t want to hear the whole story. They have their own reasons for wanting us to sweep our stories under the carpet and we don’t have to understand those reasons in order to move forward with our lives.

So next time someone says “your parents did the best they could” ~ consider that they are wrong. Period.  You don’t have to prove it.

The next time someone tells you to ‘leave the past where it belongs’ ~ consider that the person advising you to do that is either the one who doesn’t want their treatment of you exposed OR that they too have burdens they are afraid to deal with. Consider that they really don’t have a clue what the past they want you to leave without sorting out, IS. Consider that these people are advising you to keep carrying that burden by not letting you lay it down by talking about it in order to deal with it.

Consider becoming the captain of your own ship and the master of your own life and consider that you deserve to have freedom of speech. You have a right to tell your story. It’s yours to tell. You deserve freedom and wholeness. You deserve to move forward and away from the past by facing the truth about that past without anyone else having a say about the way you do that. 

These people have their own agenda. It isn’t that they don’t understand, it’s that they don’t want to understand. This comment is about the woman who wrote it and about HER fear. Comments like these from family members come from the same mind set.

I don’t have to care what her motive or her trigger is. I only have to assure myself that I do not have to engage in any kind of justification for my decisions with anyone. I can simply dismiss them.

And I do.

Please share your thoughts about people who tell you that you are wrong when it comes to your own story or about any other aspect of this subject. Your privacy is important and you are free to use any name you wish in the comment form. Only the name you use in the comment form will be seen by others. Although Emerging from Broken has a facebook page, the comments on this page are not posted there.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

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282 response to "How to Recognize when Your Best Interests are NOT Considered"

  1. By: DXS Posted: 6th March 2015

    Ok, I know this is one of Darlene’s ANCIENT posts from her archives, but I had to post this. The OB/GYN exam I have mentioned in other posts. (I was 12, I had to go, issues) Mom didn’t bother to tell me what was to happen. And I was totally freaked out, I had a pinch faced old lady nurse telling me to take my clothes off, WTF?

    And then a MALE doctor doing this stuff to me. I was freaked! And afterward I looked to Mom for some comfort and an explanation, and instead I got CHASTISED for being “rude” to HER doctor!

    She tried to back pedal by claiming she “didn’t know” I was getting THAT kind of exam, yet she was there the whole time and said nothing while I was freaking out!

    Years later, I got her to admit that she knew, but my cousin had to do this, too and when her mom told her, my cousin refused to go. Mom said she didn’t want to deal with a “fight” so she “withheld” the information from me.

    Yeah, right, MY BEST INTERESTS….. and all she cared about was that I was RUDE to HER doctor.

  2. By: DXS Posted: 19th December 2014

    Thanks to Darlene, I just had a rude awakening watching a “leave it to Beaver” rerun. I only watch this when nothing else is on, but now I’m never watching it again!

    Ok, Rich Aunt Martha wants to pay for Beaver to go to this swanky school. Beaver is all excited. Then he has a change of heart. Fortunately it ends with his family not forcing him to go, but the initial reaction just FLOORED me!

    “You don’t want to go to the swanky school? YOU will disappoint Aunt Martha! How could you do that to Aunt Martha?”

    I was floored! Instead of reacting to the fact that Beaver didn’t want to go, it was all about how YOU will upset Aunt Martha! It would have been ok to say, “Aunt Martha will be disappointed” but to frame it as YOU will upset Aunt Martha!” Just floored me.

    The parents made Beaver tell Aunt Martha, which I thought was the right thing to do. And, it all ended well. But I was floored at the YOU will disappoint Aunt Martha!” (Once again, the message of “it’s all your fault.”

    Now I will turn the channel when Beaver comes on.

  3. By: Margaret Posted: 13th February 2014

    I have recently been told by others , who know my mother but nothing of my childhood, that she loves me! She is a wonderful woman , she is sweet and easy to love. They are talking about someone unknown to me and my daughters. I have also been told just what I should be doing for this amazing woman. When she was in hospital I should have been making a 7 hour round trip to do her washing – she was in for six weeks. She is my mother and I shouldn’t forget it , she is my responsibility , lectured a neighbour. My mother too had strong opinions on just what I and my daughters , who also live far away should be doing for her. She wanted them to come and help her every weekend. The woman has brass neck, I’ll grant her that. She is also a great actress with a lifetime’s practise and I’d be wasting my breath trying to tell her admirers there is a nasty, vicious remorseless woman inside.

  4. By: sandra Posted: 3rd September 2013

    @DXS: thanks for your answer

    I think I might have not been clear enough, I did not mean just the “mother figure” but sort of an “Adoptive mom”; it could have been a stranger who crossed your path at some point, someone you spent a lot of time with and was like a mother to you?

  5. By: DXS Posted: 3rd September 2013

    Sandra, my mom’s sister. My aunt. Her children were all vastly different. Yet my aunt valued each of them for who they were. No, there was nothing wrong with her. (the second part of your question)

    I once worked at a place that did 360 degree appraisals. In addition to your boss, your co-workers got to put in anonymous comments. The one that meant the most to me was when someone said, “She makes everyone feel valued.” I guess that’s a “tell” from my childhood. Where I never felt valued.

  6. By: sandra Posted: 3rd September 2013

    I meant subconsciously naturally! 🙂

  7. By: sandra Posted: 3rd September 2013

    Anyone else here who has been unconsiously looking for a mother figure in early adulthood? (I am speaking specifically about the period of 17-25). And perhaps you did find such “mentor” or however you want to call such person but in the long run (after a year or 2 years), it turned out that either there was something mentally wrong with that woman or, that she was not really considering our best interests, her actions were entirely selfish, she was giving you her time when SHE needed that not you, whenever she felt her life was empty and she needed to feel like a “good person” or she actually needed to be listened?
    Please share!

  8. By: sahitha Posted: 26th July 2013

    “Our parents did the best they could” does not hold true for abusive parents. They did what they could because there was no getting back at them. They knew children are unable to get back at them and so did what they did. If they knew there would be repercussions to what they did even if they hid it, then they would not have done it.

    They would not dream of doing that to an adult because they know fully well they get their a*** kicked.

  9. By: sahitha Posted: 22nd July 2013

    These people are trying to preserve the status quo and I do not know what they have invested in doing so but can certainly say it’s not for altruistic reasons. They are not selfless, in fact they are very selfish in trying to preserve their own world. It is irritating when someone tries to be the “peace-maker” by asking us to mend our ways and accept the unacceptable.
    Maybe these people have no spine and cannot face the reality, so they try brushing it under the carpet and ask us to do so as well.

  10. By: Anna Posted: 5th May 2013

    I just want to say that I think saying “They did the best they could”, referring of course to neglectful and abusive parents, is a misunderstood saying. Whenever someone says it to me, I reply with “you mean they did the best they THOUGHT they could.

    Sometimes I get the most bewildered looks from people after.

  11. By: Mary Ann Posted: 24th November 2012

    Catherine,
    I understand the pain and heartache you feel about never really belonging.I was the only child from my mother’s second marriage. Her first husband and 6yr old son died when their car was hit by a train at a blind crossing. My half siblings had many false memories of their father being a saint. My father being the predator he was caused me to be on the lowest level of the pecking order in the family. My mother ignored my half sisters protests about him also so they resented him and it spilled over on me. I became the scapegoat and was never treated with equal value. My half sisters were close in age and they protected each other over the years until they left home. They lived out their scripts one married a very controlling man and one married a phedophile. My brother in law was my second abuser. I was the whisle blower and it really rocked the famliy boat. My mother could never handle the truth so she discounted and blamed me. I know what it was all about now,they thought if they could shut me up there wouldn’t be any trouble for them. My family ignored me until I had a bad bladder infection when I was 10 and I told my doctor about my abuse. My parents were so mad at me on the way home there was dead silence in the car. I kept quite about it after that experience. My doctor didn’t help me and I don’t know what they told him to get off the hook. I don’t think my mother ever liked me but I was her best source of supply because I was so broken by the time I was 16yrs old that I had panic attacks and a depressive episode. She was happy to shove me out the door at 15 and lie about my age so I could get married. There is so much more I could say about the abuse my father put me through when I lived with him one summer. I put all that stuff away for years hoping for a crumb of love from my family for protecting them.I missed my chance to bring charges against my father and my mother and I accepted my role as scapegoat for many years. If a law suit will validate you then go for it. They had everyone snowed and labeled me as mental and defective. I had one half brother that wanted to help me but his wife wouldn’t let him keep me with them. I’m over 60 now and I am free and I really don’t need my family to love me now. My half sisters the two siblings I have left can go on living their scripts with my blessings. There has been some form of sexual abuse in their own families that they didn’t have the courage to deal with and their children suffered because of it. I tried to protect a niece of mine but one of my sisters lived with that man for 40 yrs. Finally I thought why do I want love from these people or acceptance? How would their validation add any value to my life? I have no respect for any of them for living the way they do and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to discount me and twist the truth. You don’t heal by hanging out with people like that whether it is family or not. They mouth the word love and then stab you in the back as soon as they get the chance. A snake is a snake no matter how good you are to it given the chance it will bite you with no remorse. The story about the Crab Bucket was an excellent resource for me posted on Sister Renee’s site. There is another one about the Boiling Frog but don’t remember where I found that one.

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