Honor your Mother and Father; Is Drawing A Boundary a Sin?



“Putting up with abuse or abusive treatment is not love for the abuser. It is not love for the self. It has nothing to do with love at all. Finding out what LOVE really is went miles towards my recovery” ~ Darlene Ouimet

Long before I ever ‘emerged from broken’ I had this burning question about the obligation involved in loving my parents. I had been told/warned that it was a sin if I didn’t honor them, and I had honor and love all mixed up. I didn’t really understand what either word actually meant since I had never been taught the true meaning of those words. My real question was more about my right to ‘stand up to them’ and since I believed that standing up to them was not a loving action, that standing up to them was going against them which meant “noncompliance” I believed that love was putting up with unacceptable treatment.

Each year around Mother’s Day, I re-visit my belief system and the longings that I had in the past, the judgments that I made on myself and the roots of where they came from; In order to find out what love really is, I had to realize what it was not. I had to realize how I had been taught what love was and realize that that teaching was false and not based on truth or the true definition of love at all.

I had been told that love was the answer but I had not been taught what LOVE actually was. So I took my false belief about love and what I ‘thought’ it was, and I applied that false definition of ‘love’ to everyone in my life.

I believed that loving abusive people like my mother, until they could love themselves was equal to having a higher purpose. I believed that I was ‘the better person’ because I could take the abuse, mistreatment or disrespect and that would communicate that I could love unconditionally. I believed that accepting devaluing treatment in some way ‘proved’ my value; even if it only proved it to God. 

The truth is that putting up with the abuse, disrespect and devaluing treatment only served to validate the way they treated me. It communicated my permission for them to treat me like dirt. How can that be love?  Sometimes I wonder if deep down they were laughing at me. I wonder if they ever thought “What an idiot this girl is! No matter how nasty I am to her she keeps coming back for more; no matter how I treat her she ‘LOVES’ me!”

I don’t think my acceptance of abuse did anything to serve any kind of higher purpose once I entered into adulthood; I think it served to communicate that these people (like my mother) had rights that I didn’t have which is really what abuse is; compliance to abusive treatment communicates to the abuser that they have more right and more value than the victim they are mistreating. So the compliance that I liked to think of as unconditional love, validated them. My compliance said to my mother and to eveyone else that I complied with “sure you can keep on spitting on me and I am going to love you. I can accept anything you serve up to me because I know what real love is and by MY example of love, I can teach you to love”.

But that wasn’t real love at all. The way my mother and others treated me didn’t communicate love or acceptance of me.  And my acceptance of them didn’t communicate love of them either.

Doesn’t it make sense that love, real love for self AND for the other person, would be to stand up to the nasty treatment? Doesn’t it make sense that if you want to express love for someone, that you DON’T validate that it is okay for them to treat you or other people in a devaluing way? How is love modeled through accepting abusive behavior? Isn’t abusive behavior wrong in the first place? And if it is wrong in the first place, isn’t it wrong for everyone no matter what position the abusive person has in your life?

Doesn’t it make sense that we can only model love by acting in a loving way? I had to look at what modeling love really looked like. I realized that accepting myself with having less value than them wasn’t love at all. (And it wasn’t the truth either!) Accepting abusive treatment in no way communicates love or unconditional love. It communicates that you will accept abusive treatment.

When I was a child there was no alternative but to accept whatever was dished out to me. I had no power and I had no choice. It had to live in survival mode. I was taught by action and inaction, words and other forms of communication that showing ‘love’ was about compliance and acceptance. But that definition of love and acceptance only applied to me and that was not how THEY showed love. They didn’t love me in the way that they insisted that I love them. They taught me that love was about obedience and about never questioning the authorities in my life which of course only served them and their desires. My compliance and acceptance served to restore their low self-esteem and fulfilled their own ideas about what love was and what it could do. And this is why abuse is a cycle. These false teachings are passed on from generation to generation, each broken child waiting for the time when they too will be loved either by the false definition of love that they have been taught (submission and compliance to everyone; in other words to keep trying to comply or submit believing that this acceptance of abusive treatment will eventually enable to communicate love to the abusive person who will then return your love) or by someone else’s compliance and acceptance of their unacceptable treatment which is falsely believed to communicate that the victim of their mistreatment ‘loves’ them.  

I am no longer a child. I have learned what right and wrong is. I have learned that love is not a one way street. I have learned that it is wrong to go along with the teaching that the one who gets loved is the one with the most power in the relationship.  I have learned that the proper use of power is to empower and the last thing that I ever was by my mother and father and these people who taught me this false definition of love was empowerment. They taught me slavery. They taught me obedience, submission, compliance and with those teachings they slayed my choice, my power and my individuality. I was not empowered and I was not taught anything about true love.

The most important thing I have learned is the truth about my own value and worth. I have learned that I have equal value to everyone. I have learned that I deserve the same respect that everyone else deserves and that I do not deserve to be treated as ‘less worthy than anyone else’. I have learned that real love treats everyone the same and that the rules of love are not different for children or adult children. I have learned that love is always about what is best. When people do not treat me with equal value, it is best not to accept that treatment. Refusing to comply with unacceptable treatment IS loving ~ both towards myself and towards the abuser. How can it be loving to allow them to continue their abusive behavior by accepting it as acceptable?

I have learned that victim mentality (believing that reacting in acceptance will eventually pay off and cause the abuser to change) will never be part of the solution but in truth will only serve to allow abuse to continue. And this is why learning to love myself first has enabled me to love others and be that example of love to others. This is why I see having no communication with my own mother is a loving action (to her, to myself and to my children) on my part.

This Mothers Day I do not miss the fantasy of having a loving mother. As I grow closer and closer to the truth about love, I wake up more and more in love….

Please share your thoughts, feelings, discoveries and ideas about love and what it really is when it comes to your mothers and fathers and how the thought of setting boundaries is really a loving action for all instead of a “sin” defining standing up to mistreatment as dishonoring your mother and father.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

For additional articles on Mother Daughter or Family issues, please scroll through the Mother Daughter Category and the Family Category on the buttons above.

Related Posts ~ See the phrases through out the post in bold as well as: What If My Mother or Father Dies Before We resolve our relationship?  




868 response to "Honor your Mother and Father; Is Drawing A Boundary a Sin?"

  1. By: Kris Posted: 14th May 2017

    This is a great article with the power of truth.
    I keep experiencing a certain cycle of abuse because I grew up with “nice” people. So there is a nice person on my job and I am just in this defensive mode but still feeling like being laughed about. I cannot break free because I lack selfesteem to “expand” into circumstances that carry more respect and transparency among people. Like I have no permission to get away, move on to something more deserving. And there my selfimage comes in the way. Because I still see and experience myself as the rebell, the accuser, the troublemaker and the one that “nobody can satisfy”. This selfimage O have makes me shut up and comply, I guess Because I never wanted to be a troublemaker or getting attention in a negative way. All I ever wanted was respect and love but now it looks like all I want is devision, because nobody seems to see what I see in people. So I just repeat the past, hoping to wake up others around me, but they won´t. And feeling unable to move out because I don´t know how to move ON to something I always wanted. I think I lost hope in being able to make that internal leap because whenever I moved away from abusive jobs, people…I would find myself in a similar one a little later. This makes the escape look like a rebellious act and it feels like it,too. But it did never close the door to this kind of disrespect.
    So listening to my heart it tells me, that I don´t really believe that I could stand better conditions because I am so used to being less. I wouldn´t even know “who to be and how to be” in better circumstances. I wouldn´t have to fight anymore…but that´s all I know among people.

    As if I cannot just leave abuse behind, there MUST be always some kind of abuse, otherwise I feel lost. This is crazy and it scares me. It depresses me. Of course it does.

    I just want to naturally grow into “my environment” which represents respect, love, real interest in another, real support, joy to be with another. This is where “I belong” but I feel like a fish in the sand at this point

    Thank you for this article, it helps me to see clearer.

  2. By: Melinda Posted: 10th June 2016

    YES, Darlene…yes!!!

    This resonates with me in such a profound way. It’s not only the relationship with my family, but with people in general.

    Something changed within me in the last couple of years. I’m not sure what it is, only that my experiences have given me the resolve to set boundaries for how I expect to be treated.

    I’ve always been viewed as “that” person…nice, timid, unassuming, the little mouse who lets people walk all over her.
    And when they find out that isn’t true, they call me a bitch or accuse me of having an “attitude problem” or lacking compassion.

    I think that for me, the first step was cutting ties with my abusive ex-boyfriend (who passed away this year.
    It took a LOT of strength to walk away from that relationship but I did back in 2007.

    The second step was leaving home and getting married in 2009. I know that in some ways, my mother wasn’t quite happy with me doing that but I HAD to.
    I could no longer deal with being treated poorly by my stepfather and feeling trapped in that situation.
    I’m not always happy in my marriage but I feel safe with my husband, which is more than I can say about the tortured life I had when I was young and still living at home.

    The “honor your mother and father” saying is antiquated and based on religious notions, IMO.
    I love my mother dearly and would do anything in the world for her. But I honestly don’t understand her most of the time, nor do I respect the way she always put the needs of her selfish abusive husband (my stepfather) above mine.

    I don’t honor my stepfather or my biological father because both have damaged me in different ways.
    Drawing boundaries is only “sinful” to those who feel a sense of obligation or guilt. But as an agnostic, I don’t let anyone push religious guilt or dogma on me anymore.
    It is VERY important to live life in a way that feels authentic and this is going to be part of my journey to healing.

    Sometimes I do feel a bit guilty that I left home and got married. After all, my stepfather is/was abusive to my mother also…and I missed her after leaving home.
    I still miss her terribly now that she moved away. But I also know that I couldn’t stay there anymore.

    I was in a situation that was destroying me and NO ONE cared. My stepfather had turned what should have been a happy home into a prison.
    And once I was old enough to decide that enough was enough, I left. We should never apologize for drawing boundaries because it is one of the ways we can start taking care of ourselves.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th June 2016

      Hi Melinda

      Because of the way we are falsely taught about “honour” this ends up being something that I address with every client I work with; we have to look at the actual definition of the word “honour”. We are so brainwashed to think that “honour” means NOT drawing a boundary. Why would you be expected to honour someone that doesn’t honour you or have your best interests at heart? The false “honour” teaching has nothing to do with religion, it has to do with the controllers getting their way. So yes, as you say, we don’t have to apologize for drawing boundaries because drawing boundaries is really only deciding that we want to be treated with respect as human beings.

      Thanks for sharing! hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Ellie Posted: 19th March 2016


    I’m reading your Blog with some enthusiasm. You write about abuse, and the experiencing of abuse in a forthright, no-nonsense, commonsense fashion. It’s refreshing!

    I can identify with much that you write. I have spent half my life chasing the elusive “love” that you speak of – hoping that if I kept trying to prove myself to the people who abused me, they could come to appreciate and finally love me. Hoping that if I could find the one thing that I needed to change about myself, and that if I changed it, it might make me more loveable. Hoping for the chance to discuss the abuse in adult terms – as equals, like-to-like – in order to find a solution that would restore healthy, loving relationships…

    What utter bullshit! (Pardon my French). I am at last coming to realise that I have been chasing a fantasy, a ghost, something that does not and COULD NOT exist. The people who bullied and abused me have NO concept whatsoever of true love. They could therefore NEVER afford it me.

    I come to understand that the people in my life who bullied and abused me did so with little conscience, and no remorse. I have accepted that there were MANY people involved in this bullying and abuse – people who actively bullied/abused, people who condoned or aided that action, people who hid what was going on, and bystanders who knew what was happening but did nothing to stop it. ALL are guilty in some way or another. Each and every one of them expected love and trust and respect from me, but did NOT in any way return these sentiments.

    I’m no poet, or wordsmith, but I have still written a poem about this issue. It describes my feelings towards my parents (and other bullies in my life), and the lack of love in their relationship with me. It sums up how I feel parents who are abusive treat their kids – expecting them to second-guess and to mind-read parental rules, moods, needs; expecting the child to cope with uncertainty and inconsistency; leaving the child endlessly dangling on a string, unsure of whether they are rejected, wanted, loved, or hated…

    “Storm Chasing”.
    Your moods flit,
    Like clouds across the sky.
    Like shadows before the sun.
    The sunshine of your face momentarily obscured;
    Will it ever be brightness again?
    I do not know.
    One instant temperate, another a tempest.
    I want only to bask in your sunshine,
    To feel safe beneath your balmy skies.
    Yet I know not whether sunshine,
    Or showers.
    Heatwave or hurricane?
    I know not whether fair weather,
    Or foul.
    Am I merely chasing storms?

  4. By: Sam Posted: 3rd February 2015

    Darlene, you have just outlined “typical” Asian parenting.

    Growing up in the States definitely saved me from being fully brainwashed and ultimately helped me escape from being a submissive and powerless individual. It was hard work though. I think the only reason I got through it was finding this blog.

    Thanks for your help.

  5. By: goldust Posted: 16th January 2015

    I wonder why it is that we must ‘honour’ our parents and what honour means. We know that Jesus distanced himself from his mother for the greater good, though maybe he’s exempt according to some religions which believe he is god, not a human.

    I’d like to honour the gift of life, and the effort my mum went to in giving birth to me by living a full and loving life, realising my potential so I can give love to others freely and with trust.

    I can’t do that if I’m around my mum, since she continues to undermine me. Even though her behaviour has improved since decades ago, it’s still manipulative, and as a parent she has a strong influence and effect on me.

    The unconditional love spoken about by religious or spiritual people is a good aspiration for us to aim for. But actually unconditional love requires detachment from our own needs. This website is an excellent guide and support in facing the realities of an abusive parent, especially recognising that our expectations of normal love from an abusive parent are not realistic.

    So I think we need to detach from abusive parents emotionally, and that takes time, and usually physical distance. I wouldn’t rule out being a present daughter to my mum at some point in the future, but I don’t think it’s necessary, except if she’s vulnerable through illness or age. I’ve always been there for her at those times, and will be again.

    Incidentally Darlene, I’ve just noticed my last comment here was a year ago! I thank you for your supportive response in comments, and think this website is a huge support. I’ve moved forward since that last post. Reading through your articles and the comments here has been a definite part of that. Thank you.

  6. By: marquis (female) Posted: 3rd October 2014


    Agreed been saying that to people for years nobody who mistreats their children actually loves them. It’s very hypocritical for people to tell someone that your parents loved you, you just don’t get it but are abusing you in every shape and form how is that the definition of love? I pose that question all the time and nobody has an answer.

    I never said to my parents I love you and saw at a small age too that I couldn’t love them and said nope, real love isn’t like that so why bother loving someone who has a very false, dysfunctional definition of love themselves? I pose that question too lots of people got enraged when I said that and said to them so we should all go with the flow like everybody else living in happyville land, right? I don’t love my parents and that’s a fact which a lot of people can’t get over!

    Cori Rice,

    I agree with you. People use that Scriptural quote to fit their ideologies to do whatever they want which I told my ex-therapist who is Christian that and she didn’t like that comment at all. I said there’s no honor when you brought kids into the world you didn’t want, tried to pin them against one another, used them for whatever, made them by keeping a loser asshole around, etc where’s the honor in that?? Where’s the cake and ice cream?

  7. By: Cori Rice Posted: 1st October 2014

    I am so sick of people quoting this scripture and ignoring the other part about how parents are supposed to treat their kids to get that respect they so desire. Honor your parents does not mean they can do what they want to do and treat their kids any kind of way. Children are people too, not property.

  8. By: Catherine Posted: 4th September 2014

    I was a very small child when I realized that I could not love my mother. I was smart enough to know that her physical and verbal abuse was not how mothers were supposed to behave. Up until the day she died, she told me she loved me and I never said it back. I have just started reading your book, EFB, and I am so glad I never said it. It would have been the worst hypocracy and left me feeling like I had betrayed myself. I am proud that I had the strength.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 4th September 2014

      Hi Catherine
      Welcome to EFB ~ Sounds like you have found the right blog. I am glad you are here and thank you for sharing and for buying the book too.
      Looking forward hearing more of your discoveries.
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Tangie Posted: 26th May 2014

    “Sin lies only in hurting others unnecessarily. All other ‘sins’ are invented nonsense.”
    – Robert A. Heinlein

  10. By: marquis (female) Posted: 30th March 2014

    Hi Marie,

    My ex therapist did say ‘if you ask me about my baggage, watch out.’ I knew her life wasn’t all great like she tried to make me believe. Honestly, throughout that whole entire time in her office, I heard everything how she felt so sorry for my parents after agreeing with me on the narcissism (didn’t agree with me on my mom being a narc), the lack of parenting they created, a lousy mother can’t leave her marriage, a father who is a whore and a pedo., a father who is married to another woman illegally, a father who married another illegal wife long ago in the 70s then divorced her 6 weeks later, a father who was never home with his “family,” a father who says/still says he is single, never married, and no children, a father that says this marriage is a fraud (might as well be), a mother who didn’t want to keep a job and has nothing to her name yet blames white people for what went wrong in her life, etc on those issues and tells me how my mom “needs me in her life because she needed her inner child to be fixed,” yet told me ‘you can’t fix other people only yourself.’ I heard so many different contradictions and hypocrisy in her office wasn’t even funny.

    She kept telling me ‘you’re a grown adult’ blah blah blah. I told her ‘WTF am I doing here since you feel so sorry for my parents? You need to hit your books much harder on narcissism/sociopath because there is no truth in what they say at all and it doesn’t seem like you have been around them at all just read about it in your fairy tale DSM-IV Bible! You wanna champion the idea about how great they are despite everything (which is dusting it under the rug and you claim we are not doing that in this session which she did) then you go to my city and entertain them and you will never see me in this clinic ever again! Now, you don’t want me to start speaking about how sad and pathetic a lot of MHPs are because of their brokenness and having to solve their problems through their clients. You’re a mom, a parent, and you are telling me you feel sorry for my mom based on because you and “her are parents?” Are you kidding me? What kind of therapist/mental health professional are you or anybody who is gonna sit here and feel sorry for the abusers? Why is the victim and client sitting here since you are making them feel like shit even more!’ Ohh, she got hot when I said that to her!

    She threw in my face that “obligation sense to your family,” I said “you know, once a upon a time, people were obligated to the families. Not anymore! Start putting in lies about families and how the parents are up in a eiffel tower while the children are at the bottom like slaves claiming “that’s equality between a child and the parent or any elder in the family. I get enough at that shit at home from my parents saying we need to stick together as a family what family??? The “family” was broken long time ago and “this family unit” or whatever you wanna call it was never a family to begin with!”

    I was reading http://answers.ask.com/Society/Other/what_is_the_true_meaning_of_family which had a good answer and also reading http://learning.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/24/how-do-you-define-family/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0

    Ex therapist and I kinda had a yelling match last year. The woman clearly has no idea what she’s talking about, inexperienced, believes in what Society says, etc! I never seen toxic families have your back nor have I seen toxic friendships being there for someone, just doesn’t happen especially if they are in it for their own personal gain which is something my ex therapist clearly lacked in the mind games of manipulators. So yea, ex therapist always dangled how the parents have the rights because they are the parents and asked her ‘Are they God or something?’ She got quiet. I told her ‘you are the one who is always offended by what I have to say. This isn’t about you, didn’t you have your life, trials and tribulations, etc? Do you need to see someone?’ She didn’t like that at all.

    I can’t understand why people say it’s okay to have feelings and be hurt, it’s part of life. Then, when it does happen, nobody wants to hear about it. If sharing our feelings/adventures or whatever is a joy between friends, then why do they feel you should keep your feelings to yourself then contradict themselves by saying ‘you don’t ever tell me anything?’ I certainly don’t want friends like my parents or the ones I had in school.

  11. By: Marie Posted: 30th March 2014

    Marquis, reading what you said I am wondering was there something about your therapists relationship with their parents that put a block on them supporting you to break free- I had the opposite experience- my new therapist has been a huge support and encouraged me to tell about my uncle and what he did, the previous therapist didn’t make the connection of my family being toxic- he felt sorry for my folks and was more focused on me releasing the hurts from the neighbor who abused me and the abusive relationships i was in as an adult! the word ‘family’ is total bull crap, it keeps people licked into a sense of loyalty that some people do not deserve. I think its about finding the right therapist who will as you say, work with you and not by their books or whatever transference is happening in the room. And your right about people being condemned for speaking out- I am on my own now- i spoke out and i am the bad one, as is my sister for speaking her truth. I hope your experience with ex therapist does not put you off finding a new one who may be more supportive. My old therapist was very Freudian in his work, my new one is new age/spiritual, she believes in the law of attraction and energy from people and that is how i live my life so we clicked and she ‘got me’. I don’t think toxic families will ever have your back- they are committed to hiding the secret and ‘getting on with it’. Hugs R

  12. By: marquis (female) Posted: 30th March 2014

    Hi Darlene,

    I agree about how these people are so insecure. Also, they are so used to the supposedly “white picket fence, Leave It To Beaver, Pleasantville mentality,” the false lies/teachings about family and anybody who came from a real abusive, dysfunctional family is “going against” that person’s “loving upbringing.” I told my ex therapist that that’s the real problem underneath all of those layers that nobody wants to talk about and how many therapists actually speak out against the phoney beliefs from the old days?

    She got all bent out of shape on what I said, oh well. It’s like these people don’t want you to be “different,” like you said have an “individual choice.” I told ex therapist and other people ‘this has nothing to do with you, what’s it to you if there’s no relationship between my “parents” and I?’ That’s why I lost friendships because “some of them had good relationships with their families, whereas I was the weird one or oddball in the group.” Why do I still have to be silent about my past? If people don’t want to hear a truthful answer, don’t ask me anything. My ex therapist said ‘so, you are dictating to people what they can and can’t ask you?’ I said ‘in a way, yea, you don’t wanna hear the truth, you come at me like I just want to say something bad about my parents on purpose (not on purpose), that I don’t conform to American societal rules (that’s the main problem), etc so why do you wanna know about a dark past?’

    Anyway, I love blogs and stories about real people’s lives as therapy should be based on real life not a bunch of disorders from a textbook or their DSM-IV Bibles! Therapy should have a lot of deep, intimate connection towards the client on life experiences, and all I have seen in therapy is a bunch of arguing about who has the expertise, who’s study the human mind, to a bunch of MHPs who don’t agree with your beliefs and what happen to you in your life, etc too much of a mess!! Therapy isn’t/shouldn’t be about “how the MHP’s beliefs are against yours or whatever,” it should be about the client’s and they should use their own life experience(s) to help the clients. I forgot to mention before, if we take out the dogma, false teachings/lies, and stop the ‘they are your family,’ etc we can really get far in this world!!

    I hate hearing ‘you only have one mom and one dad,’ I always tell people “some people have one parent, some have both parents, some have no parents/families. Life still went on to those who didn’t have a parent/family to go to and there have been people who made progress with or without a family. Also, some didn’t dwell on it and others did – I was one of the ones who dwelled on it. We need to get over this family crap, it’s so overrated. What family values in this country? The ones where the kids are seen and not heard, speak only when spoken to, respect your elders never question their bad behavior, etc. You can’t say that’s family values. What family values? Oh, you mean the family abuse that still occurs in families x amount of generations later and nobody wants to speak about it, just deny it, and dust it under the rug yet they still wanna call that a lovely family? You still call it a loving family? Years of abuse of any kind is just something that still isn’t happening right? People still being condemned for speaking out about abuse and outsiders using the guilt trip of ‘they are still your family, love them from a distance, family are the only ones who will have our backs no matter what, etc.” Ex therapist and other people had nothing to say after that!

  13. By: Marie Posted: 29th March 2014

    This will be the first mothers day i do not send the huge interflora bouquet, looking for approval and love from my ‘mother’, i found myself crying like a baby over this (im 42) in sheer frustration realizing i was wasting my time because my gesture went with little acknowledgement. I was brought up to ‘be seen and not heard’ to ‘respect my elders’ and in my fathers words ‘your mother is always right’. Any protests against her ‘bring right’ were mocked and ridiculed and i remember feeling weak, small and they were all ‘better than me’. I am so glad i found this site as Darlene you are helping me with a smoother transition of breaking free from them all because I can write about it to you it really is helping me make sense of it all. You are so right ‘honour thy mother and father’ eh? what about the respect for me as a child? Love is supposed to be equal as you say, not someone demeaning you and looking down on you like your dirt. Happy Mothers Day Darlene im sure your children really appreciate you, I know mine do with me and that is enough. xxx

  14. By: Beth Posted: 29th March 2014

    I totally agree that we teach people to treat us badly by allowing bad treatment. Just like you and so many others, my mom treated me with disrespect and bullied me. And, I believed in my heart that I could love her enough, despite the abuse, to heal her and thus heal the relationship.
    However, I do believe that there was real love mixed in with the dysfunctional confused love. My mom is deceased now and my love transcends time. I hope to see her in heaven and there we will both be whole, happy, and capable of infinite love.

  15. By: marquis (female) Posted: 28th March 2014


    It seems people push bad behaviors/poor treatment of others in the closet or under the rug. I am glad it is ex-therapist, at least I have better support from my social worker at the women’s center than I did my therapist! I remember someone on another site said to me long ago that sites like these are great but doesn’t replace therapy yet they were the same people who hated therapy lol.

    I get more insight out of blogs like these than in therapy or talking to someone who claimed to understand abuse. I’ve always told people ‘I don’t care about the but’s your parents/family or it’s your family obligation comments. Save it for people who really care!’ Ex therapist and other people were furious that I “don’t care.”

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th March 2014

      Hi Marquis
      Sometimes I wonder what people mean when they say things like “it doesn’t replace therapy”. Why do people make statements that leave no room for individual choice? (because they are so insecure about everyone having an individual choice.) When people are furious that you don’t care, that is about them and their own feelings and fears. I have had good therapy (once) and I have had “nice therapy” that didn’t help at all and I have had useless and abusive help too. Hundreds of people have told me that their therapists print off things from my blog for them! 🙂

      The whole ‘obligation thing’ never helps. If you ask them what they mean by “but that is your family” comments and they can NEVER explain. Interesting.

      I like to think that different things work at different times and for different people. I like to believe that we all have what it takes inside of us to heal if we are willing to do the work. 🙂
      Thanks for all you share!
      hugs, Darlene

  16. By: Davina Posted: 28th March 2014

    Marquis, I feel relieved that you’re calling this your “ex” therapist. It’s painful to hear ignorant remarks when you need understanding and comfort.

    I’ve never had much luck with therapists–most made me feel worse and only one was great but she died a few months after I met her, hopefully not because of me.

    There are studies showing that reading good self help books or blogs is as effective as therapy hour for hour. I’ve gotten so much more out of this blog and books than therapy or talking to friends, who usually make but-it’s-your-family remarks.

    It breaks my heart to read the things people on this blog have gone through, but heartwarming to know we’re not alone after all.

  17. By: marquis (female) Posted: 27th March 2014

    “My mother’s actions make me deeply angry and splinter the whole family. Though we live 2,000 miles apart and I haven’t seen her in 13 years she continues to destroy from afar. There’s no solution,”

    I tried to explain that to people and ex therapist which they saw something different or whatever. She always uses ‘well, they are not here,’ my parents don’t have to be here, ever heard of how abusers still pull the strings from a distance? Amazing, this so called therapist has no idea how abuse really works! I always wonder if she is in some type of denial herself? Lies will spread across the field like pollen, believe me!

    I realized something by some of the people’s comments on here. What I’ve tried to explain to people in the past and ex therapist how it isn’t about the people BEING your parents or other relatives raising you, it’s about the actions meaning HOW you were treated as a kid. Everybody on here agreed that anybody can make babies, it’s having the emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial capacity to even take care these kids and want them as well. I told my ex therapist ‘we need to stop with the bullshit of “oh, they are your parents. How could you say that? She’s your mother, he’s your father, he’s your grandfather, etc.” Science on a man and woman having sex and making babies doesn’t equip them for parenthood. Science doesn’t talk about if these two are ready to be parents, we just know about the biological/DNA of a man and woman making a baby! When we realize, it’s not about two fools making a baby and calling them parents; the questions are: have they NURTURED the children? PROVIDING for the children? have they BEHAVED like parents? are they LOVING towards the child(ren)? are they TREATING the children like human beings and not the children are seen not heard bullshit? etc once we look at the actions, then people should serious actions and really take these kids away from the families for good and not letting them go back and forth. Once we do that, hey, the numbers of child abuse would significantly go down.’

    After saying that to my ex therapist, she just looked at me and I have said something similar to that in the past to other people. How could you argue that? You can’t really! People and ex therapist said ‘this isn’t about the way how you are treated, it’s about them being your parents.’ I said ‘it’s EXACTLY about how a person is being treated, doesn’t the Bible speak about actions throughout the damn book? You don’t need to be religious to know that, life is about actions and if you are NOT feeding your kids, taking them to school, being PROACTIVE in their lives, you are not TAKING ACTION in their lives and YOUR ACTIONS reflect on the truth about what kind of parent you really are! Stop with the oh I feel sorry for this kids’ parent who don’t take care of him, you have a it can never happen to me syndrome or it’s not happening with my kids; why should I care type of attitude.’

    Lots of people shut up, were enraged at those comments, and a small number agreed with me. Ex therapist got furious about it jumping down my throat ‘I never said I didn’t care,’ cut her off saying ‘sitting there in silence and enjoying it, speaks a lot of volumes to me!’ The saying is true in life ACTIONS speak LOUDER than words like someone else told me either on here or elsewhere that there’s more to life than putting a roof over a child’s head, that’s what your suppose to do!

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