Giving and Receiving in a Healthy Relationship

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Giving and Receiving in heathy relationship  “It is only when we feel deprived that we resent giving to others. Self-care does not mean you stop caring about others; it just means you start caring more about you. Start thinking about yourself more and others less. Since you have a choice between taking care of someone else, or giving to yourself, try choosing yourself sometimes.” The Right to Innocence by Beverly Engel

In a dysfunctional relationship, there is an imbalance in the way that each person is considered.  In a relationship based on equal value, everyone’s needs are considered. In a healthy relationship based on the true definition of love, everyone matters. I have tried very hard to teach and model healthy relationship in this website with the readers here.

Once in a while I post a request for donations at the end of a new article. This is the first time that I have ever posted a blog post about it on a main page about it. I hate asking for donations because sometimes I get nasty emails from people accusing me of doing this blog for money; I have been compared to ‘abusers’ because I asked for donations. This is very upsetting because for six years now, (three with this website) I have done everything to contribute to the healing of others without any thought to my own gain. And I have become aware that I discount myself in doing so. In order to ensure that ‘other people’ are comfortable, I have discounted myself, which is exactly what I did in the past with my relationships with my family and what I write about here in Emerging from Broken.

I have heard some bizarre things from people when I have requested donations at the bottom of a blog post. More than once people have said to me “well I WAS going to donate until you asked”. (I have no idea what that means! When I don’t ask no one donates!) Sometimes people stop commenting when I ask for donations. I posted a request for donations on facebook once and no one clicked the like button or commented, which is really odd because normally I get at least 80 likes per status update in the facebook page for EFB.  The message that I get from this is that nobody ‘liked’ me asking for my needs to be met… and that also reminds me of the dysfunctional family system that I write about here in Emerging from Broken.

Very often people send me advice about how to change the website to a membership site that people have to pay for. But the thing is that I don’t want to change the site; It works this way. It is free to ALL. It is helping people; whoever wants to access the information on it. I know that not everyone can afford to hire me to do one on one work, just like I know that not everyone who reads my work can afford to give a donation to it, but I want you to understand that free content is not free. I pay a webmaster monthly to do the security and back-ups and updates on this site. I pay for the auto responder and the hosting fees. The way that I developed this community was and still is intentional. I don’t do it for me; I already know all this stuff. This is my gift to a hurting world. I am working on a book and on some work books but meanwhile while I find the time to finish them in-between clients, all the email and comments, I am asking to have help with my expenses for publishing and maintaining this website.

In a relationship based on equal value, everyone’s needs are considered. My needs are important too. I give my heart and soul to this work because I have such a passion for the message of truth, which I believe is the only path to healing from childhood trauma. And I am asking for my needs to be considered. IF you can; If you are able, please consider helping with the costs of running this website.

Since posting my request for help 4 days ago in the previous blog post, I have gratefully received 5 donations totalling $85.00. 3 of them were from people who donate every month.  I was a little disappointed that my request was not ‘heard’ or validated in any way by so many. It costs me $200.00 a month to maintain this site. That is $2400.00 a year. When I don’t get enough donations, I have to pay them out of own pocket. And for the first year and a half, I did.

I spend a minimum of 6 hours a day on this website, answering comments, email and writing new articles. I paid thousands of dollars for the therapy and courses that I took in order to qualify me to do this work that I freely share with all of you. All I am asking in return is please, please, consider contributing to the maintenance of this site. It isn’t fair that I contribute so freely to this community and have to pay for the expenses of it too.  

If I were your waitress, would you tip me? Not because it is the ‘right’ thing to do but because I am worth it; because I go that extra mile.  If I were in your city, would you buy me a cup of coffee? If I had a self-help book, would you buy it? There are 370 articles all with discussions on this site. There are 22,500 comments in the discussions and tons of feedback from me in those discussions. I read every comment and respond to most. That is one heck of a self-help book!

If I had $20.00 for every time someone told me that my website has helped them more than any therapy they have ever had, therapy that they paid for, my expenses would be paid in advance for years.

I understand if you are unable to donate, my intention with this request is not make anyone feel ‘bad’. I am not trying to inspire any feelings of “obligation”; that is against my entire message of the real definition of love. If this post makes you uncomfortable, think about why. In all likelihood whatever feelings come up over this have nothing to do with me. I had to do a lot of work on where my money beliefs came from and I know many of us here have been taken advantage of when it comes to money but my work in this site speaks for itself about my intentions and about my character.

I don’t want people to stop commenting if they are unable to contribute to the costs of this work. I am just stating MY needs. Again, this is not a guilt trip.

Please help if you can. There is a donate button in the upper right side bar.

If you are not comfortable using pay pal to donate, please email me through the contact form and I will send you my snail mail address.

Here is the way that I would love to see this turn out. If you can donate, GREAT, I will do the happy dance; if you can’t, let’s just keep going the way we are; lets keep talking and sharing and I will still be happy that you are here reading this gift that I’ve always intended to give no matter what.  

Thank you so much for being part of this site. As well as financial assistance, I appreciate each of you and all your contributions in the form of comments and support of my work and for each other.

Thank you for reading this post. Please feel free to comment, share your feelings about this request for my needs to be met or your feelings about money in general.   

With Love,

Darlene Ouimet

84 response to "Giving and Receiving in a Healthy Relationship"

  1. By: hope Posted: 13th December 2016

    I was getting an error on my end saying something had gone wrong so I’m really glad they went through. 🙂

  2. By: Light Posted: 11th December 2016

    You are welcome Darlene! It is my pleasure. Your words on this blog are such a comfort to me, especially around the Christmas holiday season.

  3. By: Light Posted: 11th December 2016

    To All:

    Speaking of donations (post 79, 80) will you please consider making a donation of any size to Darlene? She gives so much to us: her valuable time, her vast knowledge, her warm caring and support, her wonderful way of writing to our hearts, and her deep understanding.

    Our donations help her to continue this website. I know I’ve gained so much strength and camaraderie from the writings of Darlene and of the many posters here. Thank you Darlene for all that you do! You are a beautiful person!

    It’s easy to donate: just click on the yellow button “Donate” on the right hand side of the screen and follow the prompts.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th December 2016

      oh my gosh
      Light! Thank you!
      I just got your donation and I don’t get many anymore, so to get yours and the ones from Hope all in one day is like christmas morning! haha! I really appreciate your thoughtful loving consideration and your appeal to others. This blog post is a few years old so for it to be reactivated like this is pretty cool!
      Love and hugs, Darlene

  4. By: hope Posted: 11th December 2016

    Darlene,
    I’m actually really glad and this is a weird synchronicity that you’re asking for donations and standing up for yourself.
    I appreciate your openness and support which I would never want to take for granted in any way. This kind of website and you offer more support than I’ve ever found anywhere. From now on I will donate appropriately what I can, when I can.
    hope

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th December 2016

      Hi Hope
      Thank you so much for your consideration and appreciation! (and thank you for the donation! That is awesome!)
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Kathryn Posted: 8th November 2014

    Hi Darlene,

    Your work here is a gift to me and so many others who suffer from decades of bad treatment in unloving relationships. Your stories and encouragement are so appreciated as we struggle to find and define normal. Please keep this up. Thank you so much.

    Kathryn

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th November 2014

      Hi Kathryn
      Thank you so much! I really appreciate your comment, encouragement and support!
      hugs, Darlene

  6. By: kelly Posted: 15th April 2014

    I found this site and all of the information by stumbling onto another site that was ‘SHUT DOWN’ because it was a so-called CofMNPD writing like she was a “Professional”, she was hocking stuff to those of us who tended to be very naive & vulnerable…
    That site sent me to Here & Darlene! She really deserves to be recognized for all of this great work and the help she has “Freely given from the Heart” who struggle to become Complete, Functioning, Whole people with or without the MNPD’s & NPD’s in their lives…

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th April 2014

      Thanks Kelly,
      I really appreciate the shout out!
      hugs, Darlene

  7. By: kelly Posted: 14th April 2014

    Hi Darlene,
    I Value this site more than you can ever imagine…
    I have for the past 2+ years been on disability because of a chronic depression. Half wages don’t help very much especially when you’re down..
    As soon as I am able I will be donating to this site, I think you help people more than they want to admit…
    That “other” site before I found your’s was all about “Just Plain Money Grab” from someone just looking for a buck…
    Your site has been quite specific in the “Respect” for other people and their circumstances. You are very specific in asking for the funding to run this “Site” and I DO NOT see anything wrong with what you are asking for. And you are absolutely correct in saying “people pay a small fortune in Psychologists, therapists, etc., so how hard can it be to send a little bit of money… to run a site for US Children of NPD”… I am now seeing a Psychologist @ $200 bucks a pop and she really doesn’t delve into my past at all, she’s having a hard time with me presenting her with the MNPD and asking for help, she said she didn’t diagnose so she really can’t comment. Very Confusing, might just start keeping that $… Decisions…
    Thank You For Every Word & Comment & Note that you have written for Us Children of NPD to help us see a new a beautiful future 🙂 !!!
    Kelly

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th April 2014

      Hi Kelly
      Thank you for your validating comments. I just did my taxes for emerging from broken and I broke even for expenses. I think that might surprise people. I am certainly not making any money by doing this and since I went back to taking more clients so that I could contribute to my family, I have not been able to write as much here.. which saddens me; I love the one on one work and I love my clients, but I have a passion for reaching large numbers.

      About your psychologist; My opinion is that she doesn’t HAVE to diagnose (them or you) to be able to help you! She could take you at your word and go from there! In my coaching practice I think validating people by not telling them I can’t comment is likely the most powerful aspect of the whole process! Maybe ask her what you are paying for or how she intends to help you.. if you are paying for the service, you deserve to know the answers to those questions at least. 🙂
      hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Charles Browne Posted: 5th April 2014

    Mrs. Ouimet,

    I just made a small donation through PayPal to your website. I am commenting here about it because I had to use a relative’s credit card to make the donation (I gave them the money; they let me make the payment with their C.C.), so the last name of the PayPal contributor is the same as mine, but the first name is not.

    I had wanted to make a donation to your site since the first few weeks of my reading it but I didn’t have the means to do so. Your website more than any other has consistently resonated with me on what exactly had happened in my childhood/youth to cause me to grow up into an adult the way that I did. I am indebeted to you for the clear understanding that you have related through your words.

    I think I can move on now and deal with what I have to deal with.

    When I am able to make a further donation I will do so.

    God Bless You,

    Respectfully,

    Charles Browne

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 6th April 2014

      Hi Charles!
      Thank you so much! I got your donation and I appreciate it more than I can express!
      Hugs and love,
      Darlene

  9. By: Janice Posted: 31st October 2013

    Thanks, Amber, for sharing with me. You are right about my being hard on myself. As you said about rewiring of the brain, so I need that also. Thanks for explaining your thought about post #64. That helped am, a lot. I believe I have empathy for others, as you have empathy, also. Now, I need to give myself some of that empathy!

    Many hugs,

    Janice

  10. By: Amber Posted: 31st October 2013

    “Hope” is a great name for your dog, especially given her circumstances. And it sounds like you’ve given her much to hope for.

    Janice, just for the record, When I read your original post, number 64, I interpreted it as being directed towards the whole group that reads and posts on here; not specifically towards me. Yes, it did trigger memories of my mother throwing undeserved guilt, shame and blame on me, but that is an area that I still need to work on. Just because she tried to blame me for so much does not mean I am blameworthy. That is a completely new way of looking at this for me and I am still processing it and trying to re- wire my thinking as Darlene puts it. So part of this whole thing is the way. I react to things. And that is not something that you are responsible for. Just wanted to clear that up.

    And also, from your posts, I did not get the feeling that you lack social skills. We all say things that, looking back, we wish we phrased it differently. And some things we say do trigger reactions in others due to things those people have experienced. But that doesn’t mean that we aren’t caring and empathetic people. I sense that you may be too hard on yourself. Think of how good you have been to your dog, even through extremely difficult circumstances. It takes a special kind of person to be that dedicated and loving. I wish more people had those kinds of social skills!

  11. By: Janice Posted: 30th October 2013

    Friends, dearest Amber. And I will give my dog, Hope, a hug from you. The staff asked me to name her that because they saw her when she was dying. So Hope it is.

    Thanks Amber for responding so quickly to my post. I was feeling terrible about hurting you. But with help from people like you, maybe I will get some social skills.

    Your friend,

    Janice

  12. By: Amber Posted: 30th October 2013

    Awww, Janice, I really appreciate your response to me, and thank you for the apology. I can definitely relate to not always choosing the best words to explain something. I can also relate to being the target of bullies. That was a way of life for me, especially in late elementary school. One girl was especially vicious and so were several of the boys. I was a shy, withdrawn child (trying to be invisible- that’s another story. That type of kid is a magnet for bullies. Anyway, just like with you, not one of them ever showed remorse for their cruelty, or apologized. I have been at several class reunions. Some of these people were there. This would have been a perfect opportunity for these alleged adults to own up and take responsibility, but not one ever said “I’m sorry”. This makes me even more appreciative of people who do own up to things. And I try to do that too if I hurt someone else.
    So, let’s start all over…..friends?? Hugs to you. And give that precious pooch of yours a big hug from me too.

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