Getting Unstuck on the Journey to Emotional Healing~ The Discussion

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Getting Unstuck on the Healing Journey
Getting Unstuck on the Healing Journey

If you have not already downloaded my complimentary Guide to Getting Unstuck on the Journey to Emotional Healing, please grab a copy of it now! There is a box in the right hand side bar here>>> just fill in your first name (or any name you wish to use) and your primary email address and you will be sent the download link. In this 9 page mini booklet I answer some of the most popular questions that I get here on the Emerging from Broken blog, privately through the contact form and on the Emerging from Broken Facebook Page.

 

Welcome to the discussion page for the Guide to Getting Unstuck on the Journey to Emotional Healing.

As you may notice when you read the guide, there is a common thread expressed through the most popular questions that I get asked. Behind the questions is the belief that the people who have been authority in our lives are ‘right’. That if the people that have authority in our lives say in words or with actions such as disregard or disrespect, that we don’t deserve better or that we are not worthy, then for some reason their opinion is not questioned as much as it is ‘accepted’.

This is because for most of us it was communicated to us from a very young age that ‘they’ know best and that ‘they’ are right and that ‘they’ are not to be questioned. This belief is linked to the belief that ‘without them’ we may not survive. As an adult I had to work very hard at realizing that I COULD survive; through facing the origins of my belief system and how it was formed I was able to see my own strength; I was able to take my life back and learn to love myself and take care of myself. I learned this by seeing the truth about why I believed that I was ‘less important’ and why I ‘accepted’ that my needs were less valid than the needs of others. Seeing the roots of why I believed this about myself enabled me to see that it was a lie and that I was just as worthy and valid as everyone else on this planet!

People in authority are not always right just because they are in authority. I had not considered that truth when I was a child and growing up because of my dependence on those people. Going against the adults and caregivers in my life threatened my survival and therefore my life. That was true then. Seeing that it was no longer true was a huge part of how I was able to take my life back and overcome the manifestations of trauma, abuse and neglect. (When I refer to the manifestations I am referring to the resulting struggles such as depressions, post-traumatic stress disorder, dissociative identity disorder, anxiety, eating disorders, low self-esteem and a few other common issues.)

There is another common belief expressed behind these questions; it leaks out through the questions how many of us had never been taught that we have the right to have boundaries and how habitual it is to accept that our feelings are not valid. I was taught that I ‘had’ to accept things the way they were. The funky part of that teaching is that many of the things I learned to accept were truly unacceptable but they were so normalized that I didn’t know they were wrong; in some cases the treatment was even illegal. I had to learn right from wrong when it came to the ways I was being treated and I had to learn about having healthy boundaries.

These basic rights issues come up over and over again and part of healing and taking my life back was about realizing that I had a right to be happy, I could actually think for myself with my own brain, I could say no and although it took a while for me to stop feeling like a horrible person for saying no, once I really validated that I have rights and choices and found out why I thought I didn’t have that right, it got much easier. I don’t live under obligation anymore. I live in truth.

I finally realized that I did not need to be validated by the very people who invalidated me in order to be okay.  I learned how to move past those old stick points and validate myself by seeing the truth about what happened to me and how I LEARNED to see myself.

I am creating this page for the purpose of discussion about the Guide to Getting Unstuck on the Healing Journey. Please feel free to add your comments, express your feelings and discuss the questions that are covered in the Guide here. Remember that you may use any name you wish to use on this site and that only the name you post in the comment form will appear and be seen by others. Your email address is private. The URL box is optional for people who have a website of their own and would like to be identified with their own site. If you don’t have a website please leave the box blank. I look forward to reading the comments in this discussion!

Exposing Truth, one snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet                                                    

The e-book mentioned in this guide has been published! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

76 response to "Getting Unstuck on the Journey to Emotional Healing~ The Discussion"

  1. By: marquis (female) Posted: 9th July 2014

    ” Authority really shouldn’t be considered the people who are in charge of you. It should be the people who have authority over their own spirit. The people who have self control are the authority The ones who abuse are so far away from self control it’s ridiculous.

    I remember my mother saying at times, “I’ll show you who is the boss in here.” I remembered thinking at the time, “Well of course you’re the boss…you’re bigger than I am!” Ghee whiz. Doesn’t work as an adult.”

    Agreed. My mom used that all the time ‘we are the parents, I am bigger than you and kill you if I need to!’ No one cared enough to take that seriously as people said ‘she was just angry and didn’t mean it, don’t take it to heart.’ WTF?!? She always used her age to make a point “I am from a generation of savers, nothing like your whorish generation of poor broke young adults!” She is a broke saver from the late 40s and miserable in her marriage how is she doing better than me? lol

    She uses authority to make herself sound big and bad like an obedience type of thing, am I a dog or somethin? lol Forget being a human being in my house! She thinks she can use that on adults, ha, I’d be careful because the adults can do some things like beat/kill/etc they don’t have to sit there and care to hear that bullshit from her mouth!

  2. By: Callynt Posted: 8th July 2014

    “I had been taught from a very young age to ‘respect authority.’ I did not realize that authority can be crooked, corrupt or even completely wrong.”

    I was taught the same thing. Actually, I think it’s just an intrinsic part of my personality to believe that you should respect authority. However, I think we need a clearer definition of authority. Authority really shouldn’t be considered the people who are in charge of you. It should be the people who have authority over their own spirit. The people who have self control are the authority The ones who abuse are so far away from self control it’s ridiculous.

    I remember my mother saying at times, “I’ll show you who is the boss in here.” I remembered thinking at the time, “Well of course you’re the boss…you’re bigger than I am!” Ghee whiz. Doesn’t work as an adult. Especially when you see adults around your spiraling. It causes anxiety and depression, because it’s hard to believe that you’re an adult along with them, but you see things a bit more clearly.

    It took me over 25 years of adulthood to realize I have a voice because I’m a person, and it isn’t something that I had to earn. Self respect shouldn’t be earned either. We come here whole. It gets chipped away by warped people who are in an authority position. I guess the truth that comes from us as children threatens them.

  3. By: marquis (female) Posted: 26th May 2014

    Good blog as always! In my home (not really a home more like a prison), feelings/needs/opinions were certainly not accepted and we were “bad children for having ideas/feelings.” My sister told off my parents daily and any time I did that, I wouldn’t get my allowance from my dad, wouldn’t get a lot of things that I needed and people seem to feel that’s okay. Really?? When is it okay to deprive a child of food and medical help? Nobody had an answer for that!

    The things/crap that comes out of people’s mouths is atrocious and scary that they think families can do whatever evil they can do to the kids and still call it good or “straightening the kids out.” I agree how people in authority aren’t always right, my god, I made a lot of people mad when I said that including ex-therapist because she is kinda in authority.

    About being unstuck. Reading this had me thinking: my idiot, lousy, dead beat mom has been stuck for years and claims she is “unstuck!” She brags about the money she gets from my dad claiming there’s money out there for her, zero self-esteem, loves money/jewelry, her drama with my dad, believes the crap from her about stay in the marriage regardless, me being a shield for her and keeping “her lack of marriage together with my dad because of me,” etc. She expects her children, especially daughters, to be stuck like her and have a crappy hubby like her.

    I was stuck for years (well still am) and never knew how to be unstuck. It’s not easy when you were never shown how to utilize resources and take over your own life as that’s the hardest part to explain to people. They say ‘it’s as simple as leaving,’ for some people they can do that and others are not sure what’s ahead of them if they do leave. People told me in the past to leave when I was in college, I had the idea of getting a job and moving out. However, I was looking for people online to move in with because that’s what my mom did (way before the internet) and found my dad, married within 2 weeks, and just needed someone to take care of her.

    My “parents” are 67 and 68, my mom has never lived on her own, never has taken care of herself that’s what my “dad” is for, and feels she isn’t stuck. My “parents” never wanted us to be adults as they feel they can control us with money and stay with them forever which is why I am stuck at almost 30 years old. However, I have a job (not enough hours), and looking for a place of my own hopefully soon. There was a lot of things I wanted to do long ago if I had the chance to leave home, but never was able to. My sister suggested the military which is not my interest and we got into an argument about that. For some people coming from abusive homes, it works out for them. For me, having such severe, I mean severe, emotional abuse wouldn’t help me (the military) at all. I wanted to go somewhere that teaches adults independent living skills and those places I found recently are for those with physical problems or those with Autism/Aspergers.

    People say your sister and brother did this and that, left home and you are still at home. I am not my brother or sister, my issues are like our 1st born half sister (whom I never met) very severe whereas my sister and brother had it severe too but they had each other. So, I am wanting to get unstuck and find solutions to problems. My sister is great when it comes to that for her own life, she would find resources to help her unlike my parents, mom especially thinks “white people are trying to tell her what to do.” My ex-therapist beat around the bush on that and told her ‘Jim Crow is what keeping mom stuck. Why not just come out and be honest about it?’ Ex-therapist didn’t grow up in that era at all, but used the well, she needs her inner child to be tapped into – omg!

    My brain is so fried over the stress/trauma/drama of all things and I am still in a stuck mind. You should see me online searching for hours/days on finding a secondary income and a lot of them I don’t like and very few of them I do like but is too time consuming. If these things came natural for me, I would’ve left a long time ago.

  4. By: kelly savoie Posted: 2nd April 2014

    The MNPD in our lives, me, my sister and little brother (golden child), made sure that we didn’t like each other. MNPD was devious & Evil. My Sister and I have never really been that close but in the past 11years we’ve been working at repairing our relationship.
    I’ve been having a lot of conversations with my Sister about this… She has been feeding me little bits and pieces, She stumble across these descriptions of a MNPD and kept just feeding me little bits at a time, slowly so that I would understand and believe her. And she didn’t want to break me any further because for the past two years I’ve been grieving the loss of my dad. I’m listening learning soaking everything in and trying not to get overwhelmed by this…
    Our father was just as culpable looking the other way or succumbing to MNPD moods and abuse. I have to relate this story to really explain this… When I was just a teen a bunch of us kids were a couple of houses down from our house where my dad was left to ‘watch us’, MNPD meant that he should have been running around after us, teens & pre-teens… we were just playing ball in the backyard and i got a little push from behind and fell onto the corner of a concrete block and split my knee open.. ambulance was called, someone ran for my dad, then to the hospital where I cried and cried I didn’t want them to cut off the first pair of “not hand me down” jeans, my dad was stunned and asked why, that was the first time he even knew that the MNPD wasn’t buying us clothes (they both had Very Good Paying jobs). When we got home I was very tired went to bed and woke up sometime after MNPD came home from bingo and I was crying… in it comes demanding to know what happened then it went straight for my dad and yelled and screamed at him for what seemed hours… And me, well I was still in pain but it didn’t really matter anymore because I got hurt, my dad got yelled at, I wasn’t comforted like I should have been and my dad wasn’t allowed to come and calm me down. Wow, the messed up messages in this pile of abuse & neglect… & for some extra enjoyment for the MNPD it sent me to Junior High In Ugly Green Stretchy Pants and an ugly brown flowered stretchy shirt for two months, I was bullied severely, I completely lost any kind of confidence I had because of wearing the same clothes for two months. Quit Gym. Very Athletic person and just like that no more gym. basketball, track & field, gymnastics, baseball, soccer, etc., I quit everything. More of Me disappeared in the matter of a few months at the hands of that evil MNPD…
    But at least now I know what that was all about, it was about evil MNPD trying to make my dad & I look and feel bad because he wasn’t watching us, and it would have never have happened on MNPD’s watch only little did he know that MNPD NEVER EVER watched us. MNPD was sleeping in the morning, we were making our own breakfast, from what little MNPD bought, we’d come home for lunch and feed ourselves, MNPD never looked after us.
    Being “MY OWN MOTHER”, i would have comforted me until I fell asleep, kept me at home from school, took me to look for some clothes to go over the cast, and just Loved Me. I can almost feel how that would have felt and know that’s how it should have been. It felt really good in my heart to take care of that girl in the bed crying cause she was hurt and hurting…
    I think this is how We need to find our true selves & I really hope I’m getting this right…
    kelly

  5. By: Tim Posted: 6th March 2014

    Born in the way

    “What’s wrong?” projecting “concern” over “the problem”

    Condescending twisted logic’s rationalizing with conscience clearing precision – Psychologically abusive.

    Neglect is abuse.

  6. By: Doren Posted: 2nd February 2014

    Hi Darlene. I may have written about this before, but presently I am stuck in truly accepting that my parents were abusive to me. About 18 months ago when I had my breakthrough in awareness that wasn’t the case. It was like an emotional elevator suddenly moved up to the “first floor” of intellectual understanding and I consciously knew I had been abused as a child. But right now I am struggling again with that emotional acceptance. I am also struggling again with alcohol use and deeply suspect that my emotional resistance is tied to the substance use.

    In the broadest sense, I wonder why I resist the word ABUSE. I can say without hesitation I was mistreated, my feelings were hurt, I was disrespected, I was criticized too much, I was neglected, I was laughed at. All of this behaviour, I can intellectually understand, means abuse. But I don’t want to take that word on. What is it about that WORD? If anybody else described the experiences I had, I’d have NO problem saying they were abused.

    I don’t want that word to touch me and my life. Like everyone, I read and know daily of horror stories and know abuse is “out there”. But I am presently pushing that word at arm’s length. If I accept my childhood as abusive that word has to come forward and I have to be in that horribleness, it can’t just be “out there” in society. I am so resisting it right now, it feels it’d be too close, too intimate, it can’t be me, it must be those poor “others”. And I go through what I guess is the protective mechanism of minimization, “I didn’t have it THAT bad, I wasn’t beaten or struck, they didn’t mean it, they were going through their own struggles, it was the times they grew up in, they weren’t like that all the time”, etc.

    I suspect that this going back and forth with acceptance is normal for survivors, but for those with substance use issues acceptance is delayed because consciously or not one is using for that reason, amongst others.

    There is something so painful and sickening about taking that word on to my history. I believe it’s also tied to the issue of anger and having to accept that none of that HAD to happen, that I didn’t deserve it, that nothing was done about it, and that it so damaged my life and yet it’s never been acknowledged by family. I must stand alone with that word when family treats our childhood like a ghost that’s poofed away, it’s over, it’s done, and I am “the problem”.

    To emotionally accept that word ABUSE is to accept the pain and the anger of injustice, forcing me to see that they were so wrong, and my life got so broken and not a word about why, especially not THAT word.

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