Evil Manipulative People and Emotional Damage

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manipulative controlling peopleSome days are very difficult for me. I am always filled with sympathy and understanding for the victims and survivors of child abuse but on some days the whole subject just makes me see red. It makes me angry that so many children have suffered at the hands of manipulative, controlling and abusive adults. Every day I hear tragic stories from people who have survived very dysfunctional childhoods at the hands of horribly sick adults.  I get really angry at what so many children are enduring even as I write this and at what so many (now adult) children have had to endure.

 

And these same adult children have been expected to grow up “normally” after having a dysfunctional childhood like that. I was expected to function normally, and have high self esteem to the degree that was manipulated and convinced into believing that the low self esteem that I experienced was my own fault! And this expectation that I should “snap out of it”, “grow up,” “get over it” and take charge of my life, was often communicated by the very same people who abused and controlled me in the first place. First I was mistreated, devalued and manipulated and then I was blamed for having depressions and other difficulties in life!

 As Survivors of this manipulation and abuse we learn to accept those expectations and turn them on ourselves, believing that we SHOULD just grow up and be fine and dandy without ever having a chance to deal with the ROOT of the problem.  And the problem is that other people devalued and dismissed me and that there was damage was done. That didn’t start when I started needing help with situations in my adult life; it started when I was abused, mistreated and discounted and I didn’t get help or support. I was called an exaggerator and told I talked to hear myself talk.  I was told that I was mistaken and that I was wrong. I learned not to tell about the ongoing things that happened and I learned not to tell about any new things that happened.

 I learned that I was not going to be heard.  I learned that telling made things worse.

 Somehow I was blamed for what happened to me. As a child and again as an adult.  In order to cope, I believed that I MUST have done something wrong in the first place.

 I want to rip the eyes out of child molesters; I want to expose teachers who bully and tear down students, I want to fight in courts against adults who beat their kids, but I had to pick one area where I could make the biggest difference, and I have found that it is here through what I write. It is in the area of helping the survivors who have grown up but still bear the scars.

 Abuse sucks.  Abuse destroys. Abuse kills. Abuse makes me angry.  These evil manipulative and abusive people have no concern for the lives they are destroying. These manipulative people have no regard for human life.  I am not protecting them anymore.

 I have so often wondered what it is that makes manipulative people do the things that they do. Do they actually feel good about themselves when they hurt an innocent child? Do they get some sort of surge of power when they overpower another person? Do they feel so pathetic in their own lives that they must prove their worth by destroying the worth of someone else?  It seems pathetic that an adult would choose to disregard the feelings of an innocent child.  It seems unfathomable that an adult would use a child as an object. It seems incomprehensible that an adult would devalue a child in order to make themselves FEEL better.

 And they ARE pathetic.  It is unfathomable. There IS NO WAY to understand why people do these things; how can we understand these crimes against children which go forward to become crimes against those same grown up children. And what about the adults who assist in the cover up? What motivates them to keep such horrible secrets? Why do people seem to think that children are NOT human? Why do so many people think that children won’t remember? Why do people in general think children won’t be damaged and won’t suffer life time consequences for the behaviour of manipulative people who only have their own sick interests and self protection at heart?  I think that this is just as unfathomable as why the abusers do what they do.

 Since all of this is so incomprehensible and there are no answers to those questions I realized that in order to heal, I needed to concentrate on healing the damage that was caused. There is no answer or solution in understanding manipulative people. There is no healing there. I had to learn to stop trying to understand them in favour of understanding what happened to me. It seemed easier to concentrate on the WHY questions about them, but I had to realize and acknowledge the damage and how it manifested in my belief system, so that I could overcome it. I had to do the opposite of what those pathetic adults did to me.  I had to learn to consider myself.

 Understanding the roots of the damage caused by manipulative, sick, evil and pathetic people and healing from that physical, mental and emotional damage is what “Emerging from Broken” is all about.  Comments are deeply appreciated by everyone. Please feel free to share your thoughts.

 Exposing Truth ~ one snapshot at a time;

 Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

115 response to "Evil Manipulative People and Emotional Damage"

  1. By: Hobie Posted: 6th January 2015

    This article is just what I needed to read today. Thanks Darlene for putting the link on Facebook!

    Hobie

  2. By: DXS Posted: 16th August 2013

    Not sure why some people choose to deliberately hurt another person, whether it’s an adult, a child, or even an animal.

    This comment has my brain going. In some of these horror stories I’m reading, yeah, I agree, why would people deliberately do that.

    But in the case of “covert” abuse, I don’t think the person really knows what they are doing. You confront, you say, “I don’t like that” and the person gets all upset and all of a sudden it’s YOUR fault. The person, for some reason, has an internal grandiose sense of self, but externally, acts like they don’t.

    My mom once said to me, “You had your parents on a pedestal and thought they could do not wrong….” HUH? I never thought this! She is the one who thinks she can do no wrong. If I try to tell her, “I don’t like being treated this way” then all of a sudden *I* have a problem.

  3. By: sandra Posted: 16th August 2013

    @January: wow, I can so relate to you! My Mommy Dearest is 60 now. She has been self- diagnosing herself since I can remember… I actually chuckle when I write this. I remember her almost wheeping while saying “what if I have cancer?’ “I might have cancer (brain/liver/you name it)”. Even when she was in her 40s I would hear that. Pathetic. I can bet my own life that she will live until she is 80 or 90 in good health. Age did not change her one bit. She is still as evil and manipulative as ever. I got fooled once last year and I am done for good. (I described my story under Darlene’s post about healing, I joined EFB only several days ago).

    @Amber: Until recently I used to wonder how one can be so heartless and worn out of emotions. How come some people never even think of hurting another human being, while others pretty much do it for a living. I don’t anymore. For once I am focused on what I feel.The only thing I am struggeling with is whether I should cut my sister out my life as well or give her yet another chance though to be honest I do not think she really cares.

  4. By: January Posted: 15th August 2013

    Hi Sandra,

    Funny that your sister says you need to be understanding & compassionate towards your mom. What about you & your feelings? If your mother’s count, so should yours. In validation as its finest. Nice!

    My mom used to often say to me (not just as a kid, but as an adult) “You just don’t know how much longer I’ll be around.” If I had a dime for every time she said it, I’d be rich now. She’s gone now…out of her many siblings, she lived the longest (nearly 91 years). She outlived all of them, even though she was one of the oldest. Hated that guilt trip. It was pointless anyway. She never did change her evil ways. Never so much as apologized for all the pain she piled onto me. She either denied it or blamed it all on me.

    @Amber, I have had to do the same. Some people just aren’t worth it.

  5. By: Amber Posted: 15th August 2013

    Sandra, they just don’t get it and it is frustrating to deal with people who don’t get it.

    January, I agree with you that it is a way of trying to gain some sort of power over someone else in order to feel better about their miserable selves. I’ve had to rid myself of several people like tht in my life.

  6. By: sandra Posted: 15th August 2013

    oh and another one of my favorites: “Mom is not going to be around forever you know”. Duh. And?

  7. By: sandra Posted: 15th August 2013

    I remeber telling my sister ( who: 1. lives in denial, 2 . had a different childhood than I did anyways as I was the one labeled as the “black sheep”) all these things that Darlene mentioned in her post above. My sister’s response: “….so if you are aware of all these things than you should have more understanding and compassion for Mom”…
    I want to scream!!!

  8. By: January Posted: 15th August 2013

    Thanks Darlene!

    Not sure why some people choose to deliberately hurt another person, whether it’s an adult, a child, or even an animal. It’s difficult to justify the whys or hows when it comes to abuse. I guess the only reason that I can come up with is that someone feels so bad about oneself that they then have to prey upon another in order to feel better. It’s sick & twisted for sure. No matter what the excuse is for hurting someone else. It’s left me perplexed for many years too.

    Great topic!

    January

  9. By: Sue Posted: 15th August 2013

    telling made things worse- i was about to move back to live with my parents with my ex due to financial hardship. sitting in the parking lot of sears the word abuse finally came to me. i had told my father when he came home from work that my mother had smashed my head against the shower wall when i got some water on the floor after a happy day at the beach. he could probably tell i was upset and got it out of me. my mother took me in the bathroom and slapped my face, don’t u ever tell your father what i do to u. i was trapped, no way out-till i was old enough to flee. a therapist suggested my father mostly sacrificed me to my mother to get out of her abusing him. he admitted it. the teachers too, no peace at school either. all my aunts were teachers. my mother’s family were angry when i told of the abuse at my mother’s memorial. hardly anyone was sympathetic, one aunt telling me it was a mutually destructive relationship?? i never smashed my mother’s head against the wall although i probably wanted to. it is not safe to tell.

  10. By: Krissy Posted: 20th August 2012

    Miralina, it’s not an easy journey and there is no timeframe for healing. The way I see it, we heal when we uncover all the layers of untruths that were heaped upon us. One of them is that we need others to validate us for us to be of any value. If my family doesn’t support me, it hurts. I need to face that hurt fairly and squarely, grieve and mourn that loss, which includes the loss of future meaningful mutual relationship with them. You can’t get validation from certain people, least of all people who have treated you disrespectfully or dismissively.

    I have come to the point that if nobody validates me, I can validate myself. Nobody has a right to tell me what I think of myself. I can love and treat myself with gentleness and respect simply because it is right and I deserve it. If I keep looking for it in others, I will be disappointed.

    I read this somewhere on this site – if you place a low value on yourself, rest assured that nobody else will better it. Don’t think that’s word for word, but something like that, anyway.

    Everyone has a different journey, but for me it was helpful to start by looking at the foundational beliefs that were passed down that are not true. Darlene has many posts on what they were for her, e.g. that her opinion was worth less than others, or that if she behaved in a certain way, she was more acceptable, or that she was the cause of the trouble in her life, etc. Healing will come as we change what we believe and how we think about ourselves, but first how we came to believe that, and how they were wrong in what they told us. All the best!

  11. By: Miralina Posted: 20th August 2012

    Darlene, I am struggling, constantly struggling. Now and then I slip back into depression and anxiety. I am strong, I know, I’m a survivor, but it hurts that most people don’t know what I’ve had to deal with, what I still have to deal with every day. I dream of the day when I can be normal, healthy. One of the scars I have from my past is that it’s hard for me to trust people. So I isolate. Sometimes I reach out to people and get friends, then I withdraw. And I think they perceive me as not constant because of it. I don’t know. I wish this pain would stop, this loneliness. I wish I knew how to have healthy supportive relationships. There are so many difficult things that I have to go through alone. Looking for jobs, illnesses, bills. It’s so much.

    I really wish there was someone out there I could talk to.

    Is there hope for us? How can we heal? I just don’t know. I could go all out and talk about the things that were done to me, about the lack of love and support that I’ve felt in my family. Is that the answer? But then I’m afraid I’ll have no one.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 20th August 2012

      Hi Maralina
      There IS hope. I once questioned that too, but today I am completly healed. It took a lot of work and depended on me validating to ME what happened to me was wrong. I had to do that for myself. The reason that talking about all of it helped me so much was because a) i was able to validate the damage it caused and b)it helped me see HOW my belief system formed in so many false ways.
      Hang in here and keep reading.
      Hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th January 2012

    Hi Fai
    Welcome to Emerging from Broken

    I agree that this is tragic. I think that healing is what will make a big difference in this world!

    Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Fai Posted: 15th January 2012

    Yes,thank-you so much for your service. Everybody expects one to emerge whole & complete from such tragic starts. They too see us as objects. I always wonder how people can look at children & think the treatment of them doesn’t matter. Then nature & nurture is discussed. Well how can a thinking mind disregard nuture. Infants, even children cannot raise themselves. I hope this makes sense. Just begining healing. Thankful for the truth path.

  14. By: Jacqueline Posted: 17th December 2011

    I definitely can relate to this Darlene. I divorced my manipulative controlling husband about one year ago, but he still continues to manipulate, control and play stupid games with me using the children. I’m sure there are worse offenders, but my concern is my children and how this affects them. Ultimately it doesn’t matter whether he means to do it or understands that he’s doing it. Ultimately he is doing it and it’s wrong. It affects his kids and he doesn’t care. I’m sick of dealing with his stupid shit and am trying to heal myself and my children. It’s all I can do.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th December 2011

      Hi Jacqueline
      Welcome to emerging from broken
      I am sorry that you are in this horrible and difficult situation! I agree; it matters NOT his level of consciousness, he is doing the damage regardless and that is what you and the kids have to deal with. for me I kept being an example of “truth” and healthy relationship and just hoped that my kids would see that. They fought ME for a few years, as though they liked his manipulative controlling ways better! But in the end each one of them saw his true colours. My case is different because my husband did change but while he was in the process, I never let him off the hook just because he was “trying” I kept pointing out the damage and the message he was giving the kids and I.
      Hang in there!
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: J Posted: 17th December 2011

    Hi Renee,

    I feel a bit guilty about thinking/saying so, but I laughed when I read the line “that took the smirk right off his face”!

    I believe your ex experienced what could be called a “paradigm shift” at that moment 🙂

    I guess I also just wanted to send admiration that you were able to stand up for yourself in such a strong way against someone who’d been treating you so badly – MUCH RESPECT!!!!!

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