Equal Value through the Grid of Truth ~ Then and Now

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Equal Value for all people
Peace through Truth by Theodora MacLeod

I am an advocate for truth. I am an advocate for the truth that leads to freedom, wholeness and healing. I am an advocate for the truth that leads to healthy self esteem, the true definition of love and equal value for adults and children, bosses and employees, teachers and students because in the eyes of the truth, we are ALL people with equal value. Although we may have more authority in some situations, we do not suddenly reach a certain age or status which gives us more value than someone else has.

I will no longer do what “they” have decided is best for me to do or what “they” think I should do. I will do what I believe is right and best for me. When others tell me what to do or what I am doing wrong according to them, my ability to make decisions for myself is insulted and that kind of put down is devaluing.

I am not going to be who others say I am or who others want me to be. I am who I really am. No one else can define me. When I am defined by others I feel judged and unappreciated and it stifles my ability to be who I AM.  

Taking my life back means that I am in charge of it now. I am the captain of my own ship. My happiness does not depend on someone else’s happiness anymore.  In learning what was best for me and living in that definition, I empower all those around me to live their best life as well. I am no longer that puppet allowing everyone to pull my strings and I don’t wish to pull anyone else’s strings.

I was always in a situation where people communicated that it was BEST for ME when I did what they wanted. That communicates the message that I have no gift or purpose outside of serving them and it discounts my life and my purpose. Everyone has a gift to offer. Everyone has equal value in this world. By communicating to me that I didn’t know what was best for me but that they knew better, my individuality was stifled and my self esteem was thwarted.  

 I do not live by the false definition of love; the false definition of love exists to serve the unhealthy (and unloving) motives of others. When I was taught that love was compliance and obedience I thought my best contribution to others was my compliance and obedience and that I was to serve them no matter what motive they had.  I don’t agree with that definition of love anymore. It is dysfunctional and it is wrong. That is not love and I don’t live within that box anymore.

I do not give up my life anymore. I was lost because abuse defined me. By the actions of others I was told that I was not worth protecting. I was taught that I was not as valuable. I was taught that “the real me” was not good enough and that I had to try harder. I had to find “ME” and I had to validate and empower myself.

I am not silent and will not silence my own voice anymore. I found my voice and I broke the silence. I don’t respect the reasons for keeping the silence anymore. The reasons for keeping the silence are wrong. They are damaging to me. They are rooted in defending abuse.  

Healthy relationship is mutual; Mutual respect and equal value for all people in the relationship.

Respect means treating me as an individual with my own thoughts and my own opinions and I will follow that same definition of respect. The truth is that we are ALL individuals. If we don’t agree on something, that does not mean I don’t love or respect.  I had to look at where my fears in relationship came from in order to understand the way other people reacted to me.  I had been taught that compliance was respect. Obedience was love. If I didn’t like what an adult (or even someone else) was doing, too bad.  I believed that I was “loved and accepted” when I agreed. SO, when someone didn’t agree with me, I thought the relationship was in danger. My definition of relationship was all wrong.  And because of my nature, I was the one who back downed in compliance and obedience first because I thought it proved my love.  BUT that is not what love is. I had to get this straight before I could move forward with the life of freedom and wholeness that I had begun to believe was possible. I realized that other people were reacting out of their own false belief systems. They had their own false definitions of love and respect.   

I had to stop trying to figure out how to make everyone else happy and concentrate on the truth about why I was so unhappy.  I had to find my own value and define myself through the grid of truth before I could stop jumping through the hoops of controlling and manipulative people.

Freedom and wholeness cost me a big price and disregarding the things that were so hard to learn for the sake of keeping a dysfunctional relationship would be like throwing away all my hard work. Working on a relationship with someone who disagrees with my value, is counterproductive.  Working on functioning within dysfunctional parameters is the exact relationship system I worked so hard to escape.

Please share your thoughts and examples of dysfunctional relationship through either the false definition of love or the new grid of looking at the truth.

There is freedom on the other side of broken;      

Darlene Ouimet

Are you aware my of my e-book “Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing”? If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing. I’ve received hundreds of thank you notes from the people that have bought my book. Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

See the freedom and wholeness category for related posts

44 response to "Equal Value through the Grid of Truth ~ Then and Now"

  1. By: Hobie Posted: 29th March 2015

    This is the punch of the whole article:
    “Freedom and wholeness cost me a big price and disregarding the things that were so hard to learn for the sake of keeping a dysfunctional relationship would be like throwing away all my hard work. Working on a relationship with someone who disagrees with my value, is counterproductive. Working on functioning within dysfunctional parameters is the exact relationship system I worked so hard to escape.”

    Just this week I got to the point of recognizing that the relationships I left were really worse for me than I thought they were when I left them. Two of the people I’ve disengaged have now disengaged from each other and I started to wonder if that made it safe to return to the one that was a little less aggressive, or maybe I could touch base with someone on the fringe.

    Thank God, I didn’t get past the thinking about it! I remembered how often each individual in the whole group treated me without even a shred of kindness, each in their own way and time aside from the group ambushes.

    Nope – no going back. It almost cost me my life more than once.

    Hobie

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 30th March 2015

      Yay Hobie!!
      I came to that same conclusion more than once!
      hugs, Darlene

  2. By: MZC Posted: 28th March 2014

    From now on, I’m going to do the opposite of what my mother is “happy for me” for.

  3. By: Lora Posted: 24th March 2013

    Hi Darlene! I think you are absolutely brilliant and if you ran for President I would vote for you in a heart beat…:o) I just love the way you express yourself because it reaches me on so many levels and it truly empowers and compliments where I am on my own journey.

    I have reached a level in my healing where the real me is emerging and slowly I am discovering that I have gifts. I realize now that there is no end to my learning and discovering who I am because as long as I am alive I will continue to grow and expand who I am. Your web site and who you are as a person just validates that if more people supported each other’s gifts instead of tearing them down, this world would be an amazing place for everyone. We would “all” benefit..not just a select few. People today are too concerned with abusing power instead of balancing it out for the highest good. I’m so grateful to be part of a group that I truly believe in that means something to “me”. I feel a peace inside of me that I never thought I could achieve in this life time and it’s all because of people like you who pave the way. I too believe in balanced power, truth and freedom and I will continue expanding that in my own way, not by the way others think it means. If I was your mom I would be incredibly proud of you for all that you have accomplished and for the many people you are helping. Namaste to you!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th March 2013

      Hi Lora
      You make me smile! I wouldn’t want to be president (I am Canadian in the first place) but thank you for the vote of confidence! wow, that is a first!
      My motto is that power is only good if used to empower. When it is used against others ~ that is the misuse of power. I love that you are feeling such a peace inside. That is what it is all about!
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Mimi Posted: 27th March 2012

    Drained,
    It’s incredibly hard to explain to other people (who haven’t experienced it). And, at times I’ve felt like the crazy one after trying to explain to people, even family members. I gave that up for the most part. It only made me feel worse. I come here instead.

    When you said, “hit a nerve when describing your controlling parent” ~ I believe that’s what is blocking my mom’s counselor from seeing or acting on the TRUTH with my mom. She’s almost the same age as my mom and I think she’s been the same kind of parent perhaps. She wants me to think my mom “did the best she could with what she had”. BS!! That might have been true when my siblings and I were young. But, not true when I was older and she was manipulating everyone around me and lying; trying to gain sympathy for what a shamefully horrible person I turned out to be… at age 12-13 and beyond. PFT!!

    There are times when I can’t tell for sure if I’m angry. All out disgust vs anger ~ they seem to manifest similarly. Or, closely enough that I can’t really tell which it is. I don’t feel like yelling at her, or telling her off, etc. I do feel like holding her accountable though. I guess it doesn’t matter if I’m still angry. I think I’m hyperfocused on it because her last email said, “obviously you’re very angry”. Then her counselor said the same thing 2 days later. Why does accountability = anger?? If I was angry, I would have a hard time holding my tongue. That’s not the case. I’ve just been very direct because she doesn’t get it if I’m not.

    I’m glad the mourning is behind me and hopefully that only has to be endured once, then the truth and healing follow. I suppose any emotion that comes up which is associated, has to be felt and dealt with, and if that’s anger, it’s okay. I don’t want to be in denial about it, but I don’t want mother and her counselor projecting it onto me either. As if they know how I feel better than I do myself. UGH!!

    Thanks for the chat Drained!! Hope you have a good day!
    xoxo,
    Mimi

  5. By: Drained Posted: 25th March 2012

    Yes, Mimi, what you say does make sense. Congratulations on coming out of the fog and realizing the truth. It hurts and it is like a mourning period. Mourning the mother you thought you had (or should have had). Stay strong, and continued courage to you. We understand!!!

    It’s a comfort to come here and know others understand and support what I’m talking about. It’s dangerous venting in the “outside” world. When my frustration and anger towards my mother bubbles out of me, it’s not good to vent to co-workers, friends and family members who have not experienced this kind of upbringing. They do…not…understand! And will lecture, disapprove and find fault with your feelings and actions. (Maybe they are controlling types themselves and you hit a nerve when describing your controlling parent…?) Anyway, it’s just another smack-down we don’t need. So we bottle it up to avoid future reactions like this and that is not healthy. (One way I dealt with this is to put a comical spin on mother’s antics so that when I shared things with co-workers, they’d find it more acceptable when I vented. I don’t think they realized how much I was hurting deep down.)

    It seems that coming out of the fog, that is, the realization, validation of this realization, anger and “mourning” period that follows can only lead to healing. From what I understand from Darlene’s posts, this is a natural progression and at least knowing that can reassure you you’re on the road to wellness. It takes time… I’m still in the “anger” phase :/

  6. By: Mimi Posted: 25th March 2012

    Drained,
    Post #28… you said it all!! Any mention of hurt feelings, being upset, feeling like I was being treated poorly, etc. It was all received as a brutal accusation, betrayal, disrespectful, and something I was told I would regret someday. (by my mom). She also made sure I believed she was all I had, and would ever have. My mother’s “tough love” as she called it, was the same as you mention…. for my own good. I’ve been angry for years, I’m coming to realize. Lately, I’m imagining dropping her off at a nursing home when the time comes and telling her it’s for her own good, it hurts me worse than it hurts her, she made her bed – now lay in it, I am all she has, etc, etc, etc. So many excuses to justify her treating me like S**T!!! The mother I thought she was, the love I thought she had for me, all died last year when I mourned the loss of a “mother”. It’s now as if someone else took her place. A separate person altogether. I can’t even stand the “real” her. The person who took the place of who I thought my mother was, is an incredible b**ch!! My other mother died and I don’t miss her anymore. Does this even make sense?? It’s like now I have this B**ch on my hands that has to be dealt with. She does NOT like it either, and I’ve only barely graced the surface. It takes all the strength I have to keep the accountability going. If I let it slide even a mm, she thinks she’s back in the “game”. I am forced to talk to her and be in her presence because her mother recently became ill. After two months of quiet bliss, now, she’s in my face again. I’ll need every ounce of strength I possess, to keep moving forward and not get stuck with her beside me, (or above me in her eyes). I have a tough road ahead until my grandma goes to heaven. Then, all bets are off. She can sit seething in her own pool of powerlessness, envy, hatred, betrayal, and lies. Looking forward!!

    In hope and strength for all,
    Mimi

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