Dysfunctional Family Christmas and Being Alone

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The Ghosts of Dysfunctional Christmas Past  emerging from broken

When I was fifteen years old, it was my father’s turn to have us kids for Christmas. I was the middle child of three teenagers. We lived with our mother just outside of Toronto Ontario.  We were going to take the train to our fathers house in Montreal Quebec. But my mother didn’t want me to go that year. My mother guilt tripped me about how alone she would be and how hard it would be for her to be by herself for Christmas. 

So I stayed with her and my brothers went to Montreal without me.

My insecure and narcissistic mother was always painting such nasty pictures of my father, and deep down I was extremely torn between the two of them.  I knew it would make my mother happier if I turned against him and I was always worried about her happiness. I felt guilty for wanting to see my father. I did not want my mother to know that I actually wanted to go to my fathers place for Christmas. SO when I decided not to go there for Christmas, I thought that my compliance with my unloving mother’s wishes in the case of that Christmas would gain me great points with her! I believed that finally I was going to prove to her that she was the most important person to me and then she would finally love me! I had dreams and hopes of having a wonderful mother daughter Christmas with all kinds of bonding. I thought we might watch movies together, maybe go shopping, or even out to lunch! I thought we would buy special food that I could prepare for the two of us and I really thought “my sacrifice” of staying home from my Father’s was going to pay off really big. I thought that finally I was going to prove my worthiness to my mother.

My man addicted narcissistic mother found a new love interest that Christmas season.  Guess what happened? I was left alone while she did everything with her new man.  I saw my selfish self centered mother on Christmas Day when we went to her girlfriends for Christmas dinner. She didn’t tell me that her boyfriend was going to be there too.  I felt trapped because it was too late for me to change my mind and go to my Dad’s. She flirted and giggled with her boyfriend the whole day. She didn’t seem to notice me that entire holiday season. There were no movies, no special meals, no bonding or shopping, in fact my Mom’s girlfriend felt so sorry for me that she took me out to dinner one night with her boyfriend so I didn’t have to be alone every day and night of my Christmas holiday from school.

I still remember the confusion I felt about that whole thing. I felt so “thrown aside”.  I don’t know that I had ever felt such a depth of rejection like I did over this one which is kind of interesting to note because I had suffered far worse rejection over the years from both my parents.  I think that the shock of it hit me before my dissociative coping method kicked in.  I was stunned speechless that my own mother would do that to me. I had sacrificed my Christmas with my father, brothers and new baby half sister for HER. And she ditched me. She didn’t even apologize.  I was so unimportant to her that I am sure she didn’t even think she has done anything wrong. She completely disregarded my feelings. It was so blatantly obvious that my selfish self-centered mother didn’t care about ME.

I felt so guilty that I had stayed home from my father’s house. Although my narcissistic mother talked me into staying with her I was far more angry with myself than I was with her! I felt like I had been tricked and that I should have “known better”.  I was 15 and I was in total denial of her manipulative ways and I told myself this was my own fault. I was accustomed to being the one at fault and this was no exception.  I felt guilty and impatient with myself for feeling rejected. 

That was the last Christmas day that I have spent with my mother. As I got older I felt really bad (wrong, guilty, ashamed) that I did not spend Christmas with my mother after that hurtful Christmas when I was a teenager, accepting as always and as I had always been “taught” that it was MY responsibility to arrange it and that it was up to me to go to see her and to initiate all those types of plans. I harbored a secret suspicion against myself that I purposely would not see her because of that Christmas when I was fifteen.  Deep down I (falsely) believed that I was probably “getting revenge” on my mother for that horrible Christmas I spent alone. As usual, I was my own judge jury and executioner. That was the way I had been taught to be, always looking at why it was my fault.

My Parents and I have lived in different Provinces and even in different countries since I was 19 years old. When I was about 45 years old, I suddenly realized that neither of my parents ever once has made an effort to include me in any of their Christmas plans. Neither of them has ever suggested that we see each other for Christmas even when I produced three grandchildren. They didn’t ever make the effort to be with me for the holidays. I was not the only one who had not initiated plans.

In my recovery from dysfunctional family stuff, I realized that relationship is not one sided. Finally that guilt, shame and the belief that I was still executing revenge against my selfish mother from when I was a teenager, subsided and I saw the truth about the situation.  She was the Mother. She was the ADULT. She was wrong. She constantly treated me like I was nothing. She constantly put me last. She never looked at her treatment of me as anything that I was not deserving of. She constantly accused ME of being selfish and self-centered and I was so busy trying harder that I didn’t realize it was NOT me.  I didn’t realize her punishing attitude was wrong and it was likely meant to deter me from realizing the actual truth. I have nothing to be ashamed of and as for not going to my father’s house; I was manipulated into staying home.  I was only fifteen. None of this was my fault. I had to realize this truth. None of the facts of this dysfunctional Christmas event defined ME. The facts about that Christmas defined my mother. They show HER true colors. I was not the cause of the dysfunction in our mother daughter relationship.

My life is brilliant since I have embraced the truth. Christmas is a wonderful magical time for me now as I have overcome the baggage of that past and move forward with my new life in freedom.

Please share your thoughts. Emerging from Broken has a facebook page but this website and the comments here are NOT connected to that page. Your comments will not show up on facebook. Your identity is safe as long as you don’t use your full name in the comment form.

Happy Holidays to all of you who celebrate.

Darlene Ouimet

Note: I wanted to write a series of articles that relate to dysfunctional family Christmas and family issues, but this event is the youngest Christmas Memory that I have. I have often wondered why the heck I can’t remember any Christmas mornings.  I can’t remember even one time of finding presents under the tree before the age of that year when I was fifteen.

Related Post ~ part two of this post:  Dysfunctional Family Christmas and Giving the wrong Gift

Thanksgiving, Christmas and Dysfunctional Families

Dysfunctional Lables and Dysfunctional Family History

 

 

54 response to "Dysfunctional Family Christmas and Being Alone"

  1. By: Light Posted: 24th December 2016

    Merry Christmas to you as well Darlene, and to all the EFB readers!!!

  2. By: LaVerne Posted: 22nd December 2016

    So sad.

  3. By: Light Posted: 22nd December 2016

    Darlene, this is the first time I have read this account of your Christmas at fifteen. How absolutely unbearable, debilitating, and infuriating. I can understand how and why (though I always did) you developed dissociative symptoms. I am so very glad that you were able to remove the blame and responsibility from you, and put it where it belonged. I am so glad that you found the strength and knowledge to develop an unshakeable belief in yourself.

    • By: LaVerne Posted: 22nd December 2016

      Yes!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd December 2016

      Hi Light!
      Thanks for your comments! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays; I am so glad you are a part of EFB!
      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Sarah Posted: 22nd December 2016

    I didn’t know Christmas was so important for many people. My father taught us that holidays were commercial fabrication without significance or value. That was the way I was raised in the 60’s. I always thought he was right – never questioned it. I spend Christmas alone at home reading. I also do my spiritual rituals and pray, but I’ve never participated in any Christmas celebration or gift exchange – even thought I consider myself a Christian. I like that I can be alone in peace and relaxing. I guess that you just do what is special for you and let others do what it is special for them.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd December 2016

      Hi Sarah,
      It’s wonderful that you love your Christmas traditions.
      Thanks for sharing.
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Tina Posted: 31st December 2013

    My husband always made the comment “the road goes in both directions” when referring to us always having to pack up the kids and head to grandmas house. In the 27 years I have been gone my mother visited me twice but complained that I was keeping her grandchildren away from her and generally guilted me into visiting her. This is my first holiday season of no contact and I am torn between all of the messages I was taught to accept as truth and the emerging actual truth being revealed by my counseling team, husband, kids, and genuine friends. Such a painful battle. Such freedom!

  6. By: "Miranda" Posted: 27th December 2012

    Thank you for your hones and truthful writing.I am a christian and yet I have found that so many who call themselves “followers” of Christ do Not understand nor do they want to understand? Often they just want to “preach” forgive and everything will miraculously be A-okay! I actually have forgiven because I was gently “pushed” into to it. i call it releasing myself from the burden of anger and getting justice when I cannot…even if I get a lawyer.The unfairness is/was there and yet now I am more accepting of it.However, I agree 100% with you about the patterns of abusive relationships. My Mother as believed that she was”entitled” to emotionally and verbally abuse me. She had labelled me as her “schizy” daughter!!! If only she were more honest with herself!Of course that hurt me because what I had actually suffered was PTSD from being driven down a dark road and sexually assaulted when I was 17.My mother was also violent towards me and yet I could survive that ,it was the sexual assault and the dreaded fear that I might actually be killed with no where to turn.it was a wooded road with no houses and no lights. Now that I have brought it to the light of Truth I have been silenced once again and some police try to “discredit” me as if I am actually making it up!!! But I do feel free of that night finally. The fact that my family still wants to control me and won’t “allow” me to have my creams..as if I ever interfered with their lives! I have been the one to be blamed.However, my Mother does say that she failed miserably sometimes.Just a few years ago when Dad had died she waited until there would be no witnesses to start an argument with me. Then she told everyone,Aunts,cousins that it was me,that I was “losing my mind”!(which I was not)This year I didn’t see any of them but it was probably because they still want to Place ALL blame on me for the victimization that I have suffered for most of my life.She wants others to believe that there is something wrong with me as if that would justify her abuse of me which has been lifelong until recently I decided that I just would NOT argue with her even if she was dead wrong.I would come home and cry instead.i appreciate your honesty,Darlene.Where I live there is no where to be honest and still be regarded as Sane! This is a very “old school” city.if there is any honesty about your own healing process someone decides that thepolice ought to be watching! After the sexual assault I went into denial because I was a minister’s daughter and I couldn’t imagine who I could talk to. So 35 years went by before I could talk. Finally I reported a historical case and again some officers doubted my Sincerity!!!Fortunately I found Dr.peter Levine on line but I cannot get treatment from someone who is so far away…don’t have credit cards.
    May your work be blessed as you pursue Truth.thank you,Darlene.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 27th December 2012

      Hi Miranda
      Thank you for sharing; It was very important for me to validate myself no matter what anyone esle said about me or how much they tried to discredit me. That is all about them making sure the dirty secrets are kept. They know the truth, and so do we.
      Thanks for sharing, hang in there!
      Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Dave Posted: 23rd December 2012

    I have spent many christmases alone after i moved out from my parents at 21. for several years i went home to be with them in florida. I spent my own $$ and my vacation days and all they did was watch tv and read the paper. They didnt give a damn about me and the fact that i wanted to go to church to celebrate Xmas. they could care less. I finally realized that i was wasting my time and my $$. My parents never went to church so i didnt expect them to go with me when i would go on a sunday for normal service but i would invite them to go on Xmas eve and they could care less. It was very hurtful. We didnt do anything to celebrate Xmas…so i just stopped going. I spent most the of the next holidays alone until i got married 11 years ago.

    I look back on what i wrote a year ago on this blog and cant believe i wrote it…i saw the name “Dave” and thought it must have been someone else..I was so confused about the role of forgiveness in healing. My christian counselor and my pastors assured me that if i just forgave my parents for their abuse, then i would be healed. That was the basis i used for healing for years. So i forgave and forgave some more and yet i was still hurting, felt alone, isolated and was clearly not getting better. I still struggle with the role of forgiveness. I feel “mandated” to forgive because Jesus commands it so strongly that we must “forgive our trespassors.”…i didnt realize that i needed to process all the hurt and pain associated with the abuse as well. I didnt realize how much i was holding onto and how much i needed to let go of. Its really hard every day. The pain just keeps coming and coming and coming yet i persevere…hoping the end of the pain will come soon.

    Merry Christmas,

    Dave

  8. By: MZC Posted: 23rd December 2012

    On previous Christmases, my sister would take care of my mother on Christmas day while I took Christmas Eve. This year my sister is (maybe) visiting my mom for awhile early Christmas Eve, while I do both Christmas Eve proper AND Christmas day with her. It’s not going to be a happy Christmas. Maybe the girls and I can celebrate another day. I had my mother talked into going with us to a buffet restaurant and picking up the tab as a present for the girls, but now she says she doesn’t want to do that sort of thing anymore because of her disabilities. Funny, she’s able to go shopping at Walmart for hours, going along in the little cart with her home health aide, but mmm, buying us all lunch? Not doing so would save her a lot of money. Then I told her her grandson (her favorite) might be coming, and it’s all “Well, call me and see how I feel.” I wouldn’t visit her at all, it’s a totally joyless occasion, but she’s a narcissist, and she has no friends. Somebody’s got to be with her. I have a plan, though, if she starts talking trash to my girls, and that is to tell her that she’s obviously not in a mood to be visiting, take the girls home and then come back and finish the obligatory time. We’re fortunately in a position that we can celebrate another day.

    Christmas as a child used to be a get-together with family and their friends, but my mother in full control mode would have something bad happen to her, maybe something spilled in the kitchen, maybe something got dropped on the floor, and she would be off in full pity-party mode with tears and recriminations against her hard, hard life, which none of us could do anything about. Then someone would foolishly try to comfort her, and she would turn on that person with words that indicated that s/he was really stupid to not understand how bad she had it. The chastened person would withdraw in shock, and the adults among us would stand around shuffling their feet, wondering how long it would be before we could decently leave.

  9. By: Speaking My Truth Posted: 23rd December 2012

    WOW! Darlene You always seem to hit the nail on the head for me. Struggling thru the guilt she is placing on my this year about me not hosting the holidays… I am simply just not up to it. I have enough recovery under my belt to know NOT to give into the guilt and to take care of me. I think the very real culprit of my anger is that I actually need to grieve this “fantasy” relationship I have conjured up over the years to gain her love and approval. I am realizing… This just is never going to happen. I need to let it go, and move on with my growing fulfilling life ahead of me. I keep growing up and it feels wonderfully good to take good care of me… Finally! Thank you so much for this post. Just what I needed today! Hugs!
    S

  10. By: SMD Posted: 23rd December 2012

    Darlene,
    Any insights or tips on dealing with rejection sensitivity this time of year? 🙂

  11. By: SMD Posted: 22nd December 2012

    I meant to say, expressing my feelings was not allowed….I was sad & withdrawn…

  12. By: SMD Posted: 22nd December 2012

    Hi!…I’m back again. Uncovered another layer of pain today. The prompting event was a so-called Christmas card from my brother. It was not Christmasy at all. It was a photo of his family (wife & 3 boys)on vacation in Portugal. No Christmas cheer or personal written message like Merry Christmas. I wasn’t even expecting any card from him, then it came. Well, I can’t help to think that this is for show to reflect how good he is to send me a card. He didn’t send a card last Christmas…My gut says, this is yet another tactic to be the so-called better/one up person….I’m tired of reading between the lines…I’m not inclined to see this for any heartfelt greeting at all…I don’t have any plans to see him this year & I didn’t send a card.

    I was really hurt by his poor treatment of my kids & I last year. I’m ready to let go & just want them to leave me alone. Their actions have shown me they don’t care. Another memory came up, from when I was 14, and I was really depressed & anxious. My mom was convincing me to go to school. I told her I wanted to go to a psych hospital, I was already in counseling & I was not feeling any better…In hindsight, how grown up I was to do this for myself. Well, they left me in the hospital for 7 months with few visits. When I did have home visits, I felt alone…no talking about how I’m doing or feeling. Just pretend all is well. I wasn’t able to express my feelings then & that was allowed. I really thought they were protecting me but in many ways I was protecting them…Wow!..I never looked at it that way, Tears :(….I was left alone & not protected, yet I had to be the loyal one!…Years later in my 30’s, my dad reveals to me how “I left the family” at 14 yrs old….What?!! Yes, I did cohose my health & myself. Couldn’t they see that?…They have put me in triangulations like this my whole life where I have had to chose…Another example, was how they picked sides & I had to chose between my husband & them. I chose my husband. I really have chosen myself by deciding to indiviuate from my fOO. That was a blessing in disguise, when I started that process at 14. That is what teens do. I’m not an extension of them…I’m my own person. I embrace that in my 40’s…Yay! I am worthy and I don’t need them….I’m trying to come to peace with the pain. (((Tears)))
    Sonia

  13. By: SMD Posted: 16th December 2012

    Hi Darlene,
    Christmas reminds me of how I’ve been rejected by my family. For the past 5 years, I stopped going to my parent’s house for XMas Eve dinner…It was a family tradition for years…I chose to stay home XMas Eve with my husband instead, after the truth came out 5 years ago, that my family don’t like or accept my husband. They were pretending to get along with him. I felt betrayed & abandoned by them. I still struggled with guilt about breaking tradition, yet I knew I needed to take a stand & not worry about false loyalty to family. They didn’t show me any loyalty or concern. Then, my brother for no apparent reason shunned my kids & I, by having no contact last Christmas. That was hurtful & yet another rejection from FOO. I was feeling deep rejection & abandonment again. I was angry, so I messaged him & told him I did not understand why he ignored my kids & I and that was lousy. He already made up his mind to shun us, but now that I was calling him out on it, he was pissed at me. I’m not responsible & I told him that he made the choice to not see us. First time I called him out on his behavior. I spoke up for my self respect and to say that we(my kids & I) matter. Well, it’s that time again and I have to say I’m not hurting like I was last year. My brother & I have had no contact since last Christmas. I feel free of any obligation to visit my parent’s this Christmas, where I would see my brother & my nephews. He ended that last year.

    This Christmas, I’m only having my parents over to my house before Christmas. I never did that before. I’m thinking this will be more comfortable & definitely less stressful for me. Maybe I’m fooling myself, yet I can’t seem to cut them off totally just continuing to set boundaries. They do behave when it’s not their house, so I know they can control their behavior, while they are here. They are lucky to see their grandkids for the Holiday! I stopped visiting them since July. I can’t bring myself to go to their house anymore, due to drama & stress. Anyway, I feel free to be myself & enjoy the Holidays at my house! I’m feeling more control over my emotions, when I set the stage and my boundaries. Well, that’s it for now, may have more to talk about as the Holiday draws closer. I will make good memories with my children- Holiday Party with my in laws, baking cookies, making crafts & we decorated the tree!
    Sonia

  14. By: Doren Posted: 17th November 2012

    Something is heavily on my mind and I thought because Christmas is coming and I’ll likely be alone thought I’d post here.

    It’s about my relationship with my sister and how deeply dissatisfied I am with it. My sister has avoided me for as long as I can remember. She would deny this though, she denies everything. Always an excuse or a deflection or some BS to explain away any difficulty I have had with her. She won’t get into childhood stuff, she says she’s too old for that now. She used to say that anger was neurotic.

    She has untreated anxiety, and you can never bring anything to her, she’s always “too stressed out” for that. She won’t hug me, and flinches when I’ve moved toward her to touch or hug her. I no longer try to do that since she’s so uncomfortable. On the rare times I’ve gotten her on the phone, her voice shakes with anxiety, but she’s calmer speaking to her husband.

    I’ve written this before, but for the past two Christmases I went to their place. Mom is in a retirement home two hours from me, so they say it’s too much for her to come out all this way for a Christmas at my place. I’ve never hosted a Christmas, I’ve always had to travel. Those two Christmases, my sister spent no one-on-one time with me at all. I never got 5 minutes out of the day with her alone. She’d either be busy checking the food or going for a smoke with her husband in the spare room they designated for smoking. I was left watching tv or on the computer by myself for most of the day, although for a good part of it her husband would watch tv with me. After they picked up Mom from the home, they both settled into the living room and entertained her with videos she may like. The smoke breaks were much less after Mom was there.

    My sister has POA. Last year at dinner she boasted to Mom, “I know all the pills you take Mom, even your vitamins”. I was sitting across from her and had asked for that information to be sent to me, what meds mom is on, 6 months before and never got it.

    The first Christmas, I wrote my sister an email telling her in a nice way how being left alone so much bothered me and how lonely I felt. It wasn’t addressed, and the next year, it happened again. Both Christmases it had been nearly a year since she’d seen me. My sister talks about sister bonding in emails but it doesn’t go further.

    Aside from Christmas, throughout the year if I happen to get a call from them, it is always her husband calling. Sometimes he’s been home alone; usually he calls and my sister is there but she doesn’t get on the phone. It’s just me and him on the phone. I have told her several times I don’t understand this and she said once, “Don’t you want to talk to him?” as if I’m trying to be hurtful to him or something.

    Last month at Thanksgiving he called and left a message asking me to call him back, how I was doing. I didn’t call back for a couple of weeks and when I did I told him, “I am having a problem with my sister because she doesn’t get on the phone”. He said, “Well hon you have to pick up your messages”, which made no sense cause WHY they’re gonna be from him.

    So I hang up but call back in a few minutes and finally I get my sister right away. We talk and joke a bit about a visit from them to me and I hear him say something and my sister laughs and says, “Oh yeah, he says he wants to see Sexy”. I laugh but tell her “he should only be saying that to you” but she just laughs like it’s nothing. I’ve mentioned that before too cause he told mom he thought I was gorgeous, which I think if he thinks that he should keep it to himself and ESPECIALLY not say anything like that in front of my sister. Who already thinks she’s not good-looking thanks to Mom, who she now dotes over, calling her ugly as a kid.

    One time, when I was visiting my sister and husband, we were all bitchin about mom over something and her husband says, “I know, let’s really bug her by taking a picture of the three of us in bed” and they laughed and I was CREEPED the hell out.

    Anyway, it makes my head hurt to think he wants me, so I don’t really go there, but why else would he make those comments? Because of my self-image at present which I’m working on, I never really think any man finds me too attractive, so I kinda just push it away as joking. But really, I find it extremely inappropriate and disrespectful to my sister.

    Last month I told my sister through email I wouldn’t be over there for Christmas this year. I had written her before expressing ambivalence over being left alone and she never responded, so I decided, I am not going through that a third time. Again she didn’t respond.

    A few days ago I decided to give one more shot at having time with her. I wrote about an overnite visit from her. I didn’t mention her husband. She wrote back all excited saying they’d been talking about visiting, and suggested a date. She doesn’t drive, so at first I was excited and thought she meant he would drop her off and come back in a couple of days. Then I started to deflate as I suspected she meant, an overnite visit from them both. I did that last year, they take my bed, I get the couch. She says they have a tv and printer for me, things too heavy for her to take herself of course, and being overnite there’ll be “plenty of time for visiting, maybe even some sister bond time” she writes.

    She makes it sound good but I see that “maybe” and think of a carrot being dangled. The whole point was to spend time with her.
    After I think what to do, I confirm a date and she writes back about how “I think we may be able to sneak off without (him) for a bit”.

    So, that’s where I am. I think she is majorly avoiding me and refuses to deal with it. When I come to her or him with my concerns I either get no response (if it’s through email) or they act like what’s going on is perfectly normal. I don’t think it’s normal. I think it’s a bunch of bullshit and far from normal. He’s generally a nice, quiet guy who’s hard working, but a functioning alcoholic who drinks everyday and doesn’t communicate with his children. My sister is so messed up from the past that she refuses to make friends and says she hates people. She is only interested in spending time with him. I don’t think either of them know what normal is.

    She has pushed me away for 40 years. Sometimes I think she knows something that I can’t remember. I really love her, more than anyone in the world, but I can’t get to her in any way. It makes me so mad cause she writes and writes about sister bonding but it stops there. For a long time I’ve wanted to believe her excuses but it’s much harder now that I’m working on healing. There is a new me coming out and I don’t want to take scraps from anyone anymore. I don’t want to let her go, but if I think about it, she’s pretty much let me go in every meaningful sense.

    Sorry this is so long

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th November 2012

      Hi Doren
      Christmas and holidays are very hard for many of us and they seem particularly harder when the fog starts to life and the truth emerges. For me it was the awareness of just how little I mattered that stung so deeply combined with all the hype about family at christmas etc. The hype and commercialism teach that there is so much warm fuzzy love around those seasons and for me all it was stressful. (not that I knew that before) standing up to family and then having christmas alone was such a painful reminder that I wasn’t really loved or valued. It was another way of being reminded that I didn’t really matter. Holidays were occasions where ‘they’ could define me all the more. Now I am free from all that false defining! The good news is that it was only really hard for the first couple of Christmases! And now Christmas and other holidays get better every year!
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: J Posted: 29th December 2011

    Hi Mimi,

    thanks for your thoughts! “Postal” gave me a chuckle, as did your smily face joke (sounds like something I’d write, hehe!)

    I think it’s actually the “don’t make waves” training that kicks in, rather than genuine patience. (I appreciate the compliment anyway, btw!) Just remembered back on my 18th birthday (when I was heavily involved w/church still) a slightly older guy I admired wrote how he’d never seen me angry yet (as a good thing). I think the good ol’ christian doctrine of anger = hellfire probably had a fair bit to do with it too. I sometimes wish I’d just been someone who fired up and told people where to go when they f**ked with me. Would’ve been a WHOLE lot healthier than just internalizing it all!!! Oh well. Something to work on, right? (Join the line – it’s a long’un!)

    I can also relate to the “b**chslap” urge, shall we call it?? 🙂

    And thanks, still in a nocturnal haze, but better than I was! Hope you’re doing well too

  16. By: Mimi Posted: 28th December 2011

    Hello Everyone!!
    J,
    I commend you for sitting through a lecture without going “postal”. Wow, you must have the patience of a saint!! My mom used to do this too. It was always about how I needed to get my s**t together, how I was seeking pity, on a one way path to loser ville, etc. I think of that and it makes me want to smack her mouth like she used to mine. (still got a few things to work through :))
    Hope you’re doing better today.

    Spigette,
    I have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks as well, although I don’t have full blown attacks and haven’t for several years. I still struggle with generalized anxiety at times ~ it seems to be a little shadow trailing behind me constantly seeking a crack in the foundation with which it can sneak into. Seems to morph itself too, into things that will blindside me; effects I haven’t felt before, etc. I hope to be completely free of it once I get my head completely straight about my mother mostly, but father as well, and a sibling now. I loved reading your bullet points. Thanks for sharing them. They reinforced some things I’d forgotten.
    Love,
    Mimi

    • By: Shirley Posted: 22nd December 2016

      My mom used to lecture me 1-2hrs. I could pick a spot on the wall and go to some place else…… Which got dangerous because I wouldn’t see the wallopings coming. After that I got very good at hurdles from jumping my parents 3′ high chain link fence like a Gazel

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