Dissociative Identity Disorder and Reconnection

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Sometimes I get a comment that is bursting with questions that I just HAVE to talk about in more depth than just a comment back. In my last post “coping methods ~ trying to escape myself” I got one of these comments from Susa.

 Susa wrote: “Interesting perspective and I really appreciate reading your experiences with dissociation.  I suppose I could refer to switching as escaping myself, but the only problem I have, is what part of me is actually me?  Who is really “myself”?  I have always spontaneously deferred to a part of me who can more easily handle the specific task at hand, and have never had any control of that process.  At this late stage of the life game, I am finally starting to almost be co-present with some parts of me… and yet I, Susa, still struggle with the question of who, or which part is the real me, or the original me?  I know that I am not the original birth person, and have only been the CEO since 2006.  I suppose the real me would be a sum of my parts, but hard to pinpoint any specific part of me.” Susa ( To read the post and the rest of the discussion read “coping methods ~ trying to escape myself“)

As I read this comment from Susa, several things were going through my mind. One of them was that although I am frequently asked to talk about my experience with dissociative identity disorder, (the multiple personality kind) I rarely do talk about it other than to say that I had it and I recovered from it. I tend to stay away from the subject because there are so many different beliefs about what it is, and how it operates. My opinion is that it was one of the ways that I coped; first with the trauma and then with life, and that in the final analysis, it was no more or less important than any of my other coping methods. All of my coping methods were tangled together to form a huge armoured tank around all my issues, protecting me from the outside world, but in the end also shielding me from the freedom and wholeness that I wanted so badly. All of my coping methods served the same purpose; survival.

Switching was an effective escape; it was a necessary coping method that in the past I had come to understand was about escaping the trauma, pain and or emotions that I was experiencing at any given time. As I grew up I learned to switch at any perceived danger. It became automatic. Anything that was even remotely familiar to the feelings surrounding childhood abuse or trauma, caused me to “switch”, becoming the alter I most needed to be in order to handle the situation. This was necessary as a child. It was not so necessary when I became an adult but I had no way of knowing that. Dissociative Identity and switching alters had become the way that I did life. As an adult, the switching personalities seemed to become more about me becoming whoever someone else wanted me to be, but was still a survival method or coping method due to the fears that I carried with me from childhood into adulthood.

When I came face to face with my dissociative identity disorder, I had those same questions. Who is the “real me?; Which one is in charge?; how will I ever know?”  Will I ever find out which one of “me” is the original one? And I got really invested in thinking about all of that. So much so that you could say it became yet another escape. The “original me” quest however became very important to me as I began this healing journey.

I found out that all of them were me. Each fragmented self had arrived to protect me or to take the feelings and handle the fears for me. Each one held its own memories and had its own triggers. Each one had the job of protecting me from the memories, pain and trauma so that I could survive. Some alters were male, some were children, one was much older then I was. They took care of me. That was their job. And I had only even had or been glimpses of the original me or the core because the core of me was the sum of all parts.

I had a lot of fears about who I really was and about which alter was going to be the strongest one in the end. I was really afraid of one of them as I had gotten into most of the trouble in my life with her in the front. I tried to shut her down and one time when I was in intensive therapy I dreamed that I tried to kill her. I woke up from that dream with the profound realization that I had tried to kill myself in a dream. Through that dream I realized that I could not ditch one of “them” and  that I had projected most of the self hate, blame and shame onto that part of me. My therapist had a less known method of treating dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality disorder) and the method he used was instead of concentrating on which alter had which memories and emotions, we concentrated on the trauma events themselves and we began with the earliest ones that I remembered. I had lots of alters popping out in therapy, and my therapist just let it happen without giving too much attention to the individual alter. It was more like he treated me as though I was only “one” and then I came to realize that all of this trauma actually happened to me and not to the alters whom I believed were separate from me.

Dissociative identity disorder allowed me to separate trauma events and view them as though they happened to someone else.  Because more than one alter personality  would come out at each trauma event, I was able to detach from the event on many levels. I saw each tiny moment as separate from another moment. That was how I was able to deal with them. But I did the same thing with the lies that I learned. With all the memories fragmented, it may have been easier to cope, but at the same time I accepted the lies, shame and self blame because I separated those memories too. I believed that I must have done something to deserve what happened because I didn’t have one whole memory. So if someone indicated that it was my own fault or that I deserved it or that I was the problem, I remembered that as a single event too.

As I looked at the memories, and started to connect the fragmented pieces, I realized how many false beliefs that I had accepted about myself in the course of my childhood. As I uncovered those lies and exposed the truth (to myself) I began to come together. As I realized how many lies that I had accepted about myself and corrected them, I began to calm down. As I calmed down, I became more comfortable. I felt like I was growing up. In the calming down, I felt like I was coming together. I was able to become conscious of when I had switched and soon I was conscious even before I switched and found ways of talking to myself that enabled me to stay one.

The trauma happened to me. The memories were all mine. Each personality was me and I was restored, by connecting, facing and accepting the truth about the past.

Please share your thoughts. We always have a wonderful discussion in the comments section!

Darlene Ouimet 

Note: It is important to understand that it was not the recall of the events that restored me. I do not have all my memories, and I still remember only fragments of certain events, but I remembered enough to realize how my belief system had formed and why. The key was in realizing how I had come to believe so many lies about myself, and was not about remembering all the events.

**This is an example of my personal journey. All processes are different. Many people need to dig really deeply into the personality of each alter; I am not discounting other ways of recovery. I am only sharing how it worked for me.

Are you aware my of my e-book “Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing”? If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you and you would like to find out “HOW” I broke out of the oppression I lived in, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing. I’ve received hundreds of thank you notes from people that have bought my book. Get yours here for 9.97 through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

97 response to "Dissociative Identity Disorder and Reconnection"

  1. By: Ananda Tumsi Posted: 13th February 2017

    Denial: The loving embrace of a traumatized brain to configure enough to survive. There is no one size fits all. Each is a miracle unto it’s own self.

  2. By: Kris Posted: 23rd April 2015

    No need to respond to my last post for my sake anyway. I finally figured it out for myself. I think God knows when I have had my limit with trying to figure some of these DID things out and then He reveals the truth to me. I get it now. I was still believing the lie that I needed someone to rescue me. If I believed that my alters were really me then who would be the one to do that?? But what I wasn’t realizing is I no longer need anyone to rescue me anymore. No one is out to hurt me now. I wasn’t able to separate the past from now. Plus I didn’t want to give up the idea of losing my friends. I spent the last two years getting to know all of my alters. Nurturing them. Re-parenting my self in the process to the point where I no longer needed my alters to think and feel for me anymore but that felt scary to me too. I was associating that with being rejected and abandoned by my parents when I was a child. Everything is linked to that. I see how this is all connected now. This is how I will learn how to stop dissociating because as long as I was still believing that I would be hurt without them, I was never going to accept that they were really me because doing that was like a death sentence for me so I fought tooth and nail not to see this truth.

    Anyone who has DID, my heart goes out to you. There is no way to adequately describe the pain involved with having this disorder and all the obstacles that you need to overcome in order to heal from it. It is one sick, twisted mess to say the least. Couldn’t make this one up if I tried. It is just that sick and twisted. I think to myself how horrible living in that house really was in order for me to have to go to this extreme in order to survive it and how the same disorder that once saved my life as a child has the potential of killing me off as an adult. UNBELIEVABLE but all true.

    Hope this helps someone else who is stuck like me.

    Peace,
    Kris

  3. By: Kris Posted: 22nd April 2015

    Can anyone who has DID share with me what it took for you to finally make the connection that all of your alters were really indeed you??? Also how were you able to recover some of your memories???Intellectually I get it. I have been able to do most of what Darlene talks about in her posts. I get all the ten thousand lies that my parents taught me and I know the truth now. I am at the point where I am very familiar with all of my alters and I accept and embrace them and love them and I know why I created them. I have re-parented myself. I overcame that inner and outer critical voice. I have overcome perpetrator loyalty and the locust of shift control. I overcame all of that sick enmeshment I had with both my mother and my father. What the heck else will it take to make the connection that these alters are indeed me??? I do a lot of inner work on my own so I have grieved many of my losses so I am aware to that degree that these traumatic events happened to me but I still view my alters as separate entities from myself. I still refer to myself as we and us.I know that I am missing memories. I read Darlene’s posts but I still don’t get HOW the connection was made. What self talk can I do to overcome this mind set?? I say to myself these things happened to me but I don’t internally believe it. It has not clicked inside of my head and heart yet.I would appreciate anyone’s input. THNX in advance.

  4. By: Diana Posted: 6th February 2015

    BTW- I would love to hear from others who have raised the child of their perpetrator. I mean women who were molested, became pregnant, had the child and raised the child. I would like to know how they coped with their family’s denial (if the family was non-supportive like mine was) and the flashbacks that just seeing the child sometimes caused. I am sure I would have suffered far less if my family had supported me and if my daughter hadn’t decided that the perp was the safer/saner person for her to be around. I don’t regret raising her; I do regret not knowing how ungrateful she would be as an adult and how she might not want to bother to deal with me when I finally had to take care of me. I truly believe that I would have become insane if I had not finally realized I had tolerated TOO MUCH in my lifetime! Thanks!

  5. By: Diana Posted: 6th February 2015

    Hi, Darlene and others,

    My experience with D.I.D was complex and I am still dealing with it at age 68. I think I started dissociating when I was very young but didn’t realize what I was doing until I was in my 30s – during the 80s. By then I had been diagnosed with what is now called Complex PTSD but it was only after a therapist and some women in an Incest Survivors group told me I was switching, that I started to suspect that my PTSD was more serious than I realized. Raising the child of my primary sexual perpetrator prolonged my blocking and switching. At times I was younger than she was and I still experience that from time to time. Many times I was what is called co-conscious but I still couldn’t control when a younger ME had control. My daughter is age 45 and she has stopped speaking to me because I still can’t control the switching and the flashbacks when she does something that triggers me – like befriending a pedophile on Facebook and not warning me. The D.I.D became worse the last couple years when my granddaughter turned 14, the age when most of my molestation took place. I became hyper-vigilant toward protecting her – something my daughter had experienced as abusive when I did it to her. Now my granddaughter doesn’t speak to me either. I don’t think there is anything I can do until I feel safe alone and heal by myself. At age 68, this has been a tiring journey, made even more so by breast cancer and a recent concussion. I hope someday more people will understand PTSD and DID – and we won’t me made to feel “crazier” than we actually are. My best to all, Diana

  6. By: lynn Posted: 12th October 2013

    Amazing, again, sorry all
    to the point – With the exception of a few times, I remained co-conscious. I do have screaming in my head at times that is definitely not my thoughts – always happens when feelings of younger ego states (personalities?I don’t know) get sad during therapy. we have named the anger part and that part now trusts my T so I could follow through with the memory without her yelling at me and that is when my body seemed to literally shake off the grossness and felt better. Am I crazy? I feel so alone in all of this and really am (just moved). Is there hope, I feel so depressed as the day progresses and I can’t believe I have to sit in these feelings for another week before therapy. Thinking about hospital just to get away, you know? what do others do-I am just so dang sad, then anxious,etc. Want to call my therapist but am bugging her too much I think. Am safe, thx for listening and writing Darlene and others:0).

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th October 2013

      Hi Lynn
      Welcome to EFB ~ there is a whole community sharing on the more recent posts. (If you click on the home button you will see more recent stuff)
      Glad you are here,
      hugs, Darlene

  7. By: lynn Posted: 12th October 2013

    Hi Darlene

    Could I really have lived nearly 40 years with other personalities and not known? Yesterday in therapy I finally talked about a memory and my body was shaky and then the sporadic kicking started. I finally let it out and spazzed out physically (looking much like a dog trying to dry of when wet. It felt good and for the rest of the session I had no shaking or muscle spasms. While telling the memory it was just like describing what I could see but I could feel the anguish of the little girl in the memory (have remembered that memory before but without feelings. first time yesterday telling my therapist and I have had only 1 other therapist who became enmeshed with me and I frequently went to hospital due to suicide attempts. She really made me more unwell but I didn’t know it till after 3=4 years.

  8. By: sandra Posted: 10th October 2013

    is it possible that the chronic stress for a prolonged period of time (6 months) caused those swings?

  9. By: sandra Posted: 10th October 2013

    I just did one of those online tests
    http://www.pcsearle.com/screening/over.html?60.4

    My score:
    Dissociative Experiences Scale (DES) Screening Results

    Total score of: 60.4(30 or Above – Higher Association With DID)

    !!!!

    Things that really scared me and I thought they were “normal”:

    Some people sometimes find writings, drawings, or notes among their belongings that they must have done but cannot remember doing. (I kept blaming it on stress and bad memory)

    Some people find that in one situation they may act so differently compared with another situation that they feel almost as if they were two different people. YES!!! VERY OFTEN

    Some people have the experience of driving or riding in a car or bus or subway and suddenly realizing that they don’t remember what has happened during all or part of the trip.
    Always always….it started when I was 15, this happens to me all the time… I thought most people do that… I literally fly away

    Some people find that sometimes they are listening to someone talk and they suddenly realize that they did not hear part or all of what was said. (I thought I had troubles with focusing but that also started when I was 15)

    🙁

  10. By: sandra Posted: 10th October 2013

    oh one more thing: the depressed part of me that functions on auto pilot- I would say this is something that comes out after what I went through in high school. The part that I said I liked the most- I think I would be like that all the time if not for what happened to me when I was 14-18.
    I might be wrong though

  11. By: sandra Posted: 10th October 2013

    And as KAren said …it is unbelievable but the changes are visible in photos.

  12. By: sandra Posted: 10th October 2013

    How do I know what is still in a range of “normal” and what is DID?
    Maybe it is just a complex personality? Maybe we are all like that? What aggrevates me the most (and worries so much is the fact that the last 2 years I have been having such “Swings” very frequently and I am not the only one who noticed that.

    When I am afraid, instead of fighting like I used to, a little frightened ridiculous girl comes out. She can ruin everything in an hour, book a flight, cancel a flight, quit a job, run away from an interview. She has been very present the last 2 years. Actually she appeared for the first time in 2011. She cries a lot, is totally indecicive, gets panic attacks, clutches to men, highly neurotic.

    Than there is my favorite: confident, stubborn but compassionate, masculine and feminine forces combined together, excellent future businesswoman, great sense of humor, logical, no fear, likes to go out and than charges batteries in solitude, she can do anything, great intuition, the first one started appearing 2 years ago and can ruin everything the second one juts accomplished. BTW: the second one is bisexual.

    It is usually either the first one or the second one. BUT there are several others, only a bit less present: one is numb and depressed, there is nothing else I can tell you about her, she was me in high school, and than on and off a bit in 2009 and 2010, and for 6 months this year. She functions on auto pilot, daily routine only, eating (or rather not eating- she is prone to anorexia), sleeping most of the time.

    Than there is me as an older lady, much much older than I actually am, she would prefer to just stay home and chill, have a dog maybe, just be by herself, no interest in career, relationships, has sort of a been there, done that approach.

    Now I know I am not bi polar.
    The last 2 years I have been living in chronic stress, which actually brought me here, to my break through. The last 4 months I was dealing with my childhood memories coming back to me, I am through with that, I feel much stronger, I know I am on a good track….I still do not feel stable though. I fear that the little coward I described will soon ruin something. What is wrong with me?

  13. By: lynn Posted: 10th October 2013

    Hi Darlene,
    believe me I am confused too. I came home from therapy and googled muscle spasms and dissociation and the forum that came up was info@psychforums.com. I entered the DID forum and my name is loisisher*** and I have responded a little but still don’t know how to initiate or compose a message. I don’t know how I stumbled on your site and I received your email( thanks so much) and got started and wrote 3 paragraphs before I clicked a wrong button. So I am exhausted now and will try to finish later. thanks so much. I was a therapist for 15 years until we moved a few months ago. It is all just catching up with me. I told u a lot but I think most got deleted after I hit some button. thx for patience. I think we r talking about the same forum and I will attempt to finish my post later cause my kids are coming home soon. thanks, people like you give me hope

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th October 2013

      Hi Lynn
      The link you shared is an email address, but that’s okay. That site may have been referring to my site, but I am not part of it nor is the site a part of any forum.
      It is fine if you share here but in the spot for the URL in the comment form, leave that blank. (don’t enter that psych form address because it causes your comment to be flagged as spam.)
      hugs, Darlene

      • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th October 2013

        Lynn,
        I just got your last reply through admin. Please make sure that you don’t hit the reply button to the email notifications for blog post comments but rather return to the blog itself. (here) to post your comment or else no one will see it, most times not even me!
        Thanks, hugs, Darlene

  14. By: lynn Posted: 10th October 2013

    Hi Darlene,
    thankyou so much for responding and I have the email address on my email now so I believe I can return to that to get here until I figure out how to get here from the forum. Thank you so much.

    I guess I will try to summarize some things and then ask a few questions.

    When I was 6 years old my mom sent my dad to JohnHopkins because she found his shoes under my bed and he had already been imprisoned for “peeping” while in the military. Dad went to a 6 week rehab at john Hopkins and my parents told me and my siblings they were temporarily going to separate but didn’t say why. My siblings and I were devastated. I knew about hIM COMIng in my room at that time but never thought that was the reason he left. I was never interviewed by anyone and john Hopkins sent him home after 2 months and said he just needs to stay on the medicine and he should be fine. I remember that brief time when he came home and didn’t come in my room at night. Hopkins thought he was just a “peeper” and as long as he was on medicine I would be safe. Little did they know then that my dad had different fetishes for different seasons.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th October 2013

      Lynn
      I am not sure what “forum” you are referring to. Can you explain?
      hugs, Darlene

  15. By: lynn Posted: 5th October 2013

    Hello Darlene
    I am so frustrated. my name is Lynn and I stumbled upon these wrtings after coming home from therapy after my T said my muscle spasms are indicative of others’ trying to talk. I have been frustrated because I am so pathedic that I can’t figure out how to write/respond on the forum. I guess I am hoping that on this forum maybe I could learn how to navigate and respond. I have read posts dating 2 years back. I had 3 family members sexually abuse me, hospitalized first at 16 and am now married and have 2 kids (39 y.o.)my therapist went away 2 days ago for 2 weeks. I am trying to reach out and am stable. before stating more or asking more questions I would like to know if anyone even receives this and that I can resp0ond to you or you all. I know how to access emails but may or may not be efficient in responding here as I don’t recall how I got here. I have written 2 posts and maybe just didn’t do it right. If anyone is here, plz respond or send me an email with instructions on how to get back to this site to respond. I am embarrased to be so bad at this!!!!thank you to all and anyone who read this and/or feels able to respond. best wishes:o)

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th October 2013

      Hi Lynn
      welcome to efb ~ you have succeeded in commenting on this site. All you have to do is keep coming back. If you subscribed to comments, there will be a URL in the email that will get you back to the site. If not, bookmark the site URL. And once you are here, there are buttons at the top that will take you to which ever subject you are interested in. There is a comment place for each one.
      Hugs, Darlene

  16. By: Karen Posted: 15th May 2013

    Darlene,
    I have searched and searched for something that would help me to understand DID on a personal level… not a “medical” level. reading what you wrote it was like reading something that I would have written myself… it was like my thoughts were there for the most part. I have an alter that can take over if I let her, she used to protect me because of the abuse I endured, now however.. she is apparently angry. And when I am angry, frustrated, hurt, and can’t process my emotions in any way.. she can take over. (due to my eating disorder, I also self harm, and she will use that to hurt me) I am afraid of Kari at times. When it is her, there is a clear difference in my eyes.. my eyes are no longer blue.. they are more grayish. I have pictures to prove it. Christmas, I was me, my eyes were pretty blue. A month later, I was not me… she was there, I was suicidal and it was around my birthday. My eyes in that picture were gray and dead looking even though I faked a smile. No matter what you do on the outside, eyes don’t lie. certainly not mine. And my therapist has picked up on this. I have dissociated in her office several times.. I have just “left the building” so to speak… I don’t switch, I just leave my head. but there have been times she feels I have switched and not told her. and there have been times that it wasn’t me there like the time between Christmas and my birthday… it wasn’t me that whole time going.. I wasn’t never there, and I hardly spoke a word during our sessions. I don’t like to lose control.. and that is what it feels like to me when this happens. I lose time. I just did yesterday. I got in my car ( have been stressed lately) looked at the clock, didn’t buckle( which I always do) started the car, and then I don’t know what happened, but the next thing I knew, I looked at the clock again it was ten minutes later, I had tears going down my cheeks, car still idling. I had “left” without going anywhere. I checked out…. where did I go? I did this several other times when stressed badly and “came to” with cuts. I can’t have this happen again.. Same with my dreams at night. Some aren’t just dreams… I will actually sleep walk like I did as a kid. It is like an alter is awake inside me and takes over or something, I don’t know. But some dreams happen and I am fully asleep. I want to stay “HERE” I don’t want to leave to go back I don’t want anyone else to take over. I just want to be me. I want everyone in my head to be a united front… we can all work together.. I used to want to kill kari… to get rid of her, and just like that lady at the top of your site said, I too tried to kill myself in order to kill my alter. Enough was enough… you feel as if there is no way out… but I have come to realize that kari protected me, and what she did she did out of love, she is now frustrated because I got grow up and she is trapped. that is why she is angry. If I just show her love, maybe she wont try to hurt me. So I can’t try to get rid of any of them. I need them all because each is a part of me, and we can work together to get thru the trauma and memories.. even though I don’t want to open that pandoras box. so anyway, thank you for putting your story out there for me to find because otherwise I would still feel helpless and alone in thinking there was no one who actually understood how I felt. 🙂 thank you

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th May 2013

      Hi Karen
      Welcome to EFB
      It was really helpful for me when I realized that all of “them” were ME. In this way I was slowly able to see the trauma that happened to ‘them’ and accept that it happened to me. They came into existence because I could not cope with what had happened to me, so in a way they were ‘my coping method’ and that coping method saved my life. Through the healing process and seeing each of them as having ‘saved my life’ and that really they were all ‘me’ I was able to start to relate the memories to myself. (saying stuff like “that happened to me” ~ I was slowly able to integrate. There is hope!!
      Thanks for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: discoveringme Posted: 25th February 2013

    Hi Darlene,

    I realized this past week that I have been utilizing this form of coping since I was a very young girl. I continue to use it in life today as an adult, even though I don’t need to anymore. But, the pattern is very hard to break. I think what I am wondering if how long does it take to break the pattern of dissociation being the “go to” coping method? What are the best methods for grounding yourself? I feel a lot stronger now that I recognize it, but I think because I know that this is what I do–I am fighting hard to not go there, and I want to stay present/in the moment. Can you give any tips on the initial stages of awareness that dissociation exists to powerfully living life to the fullest as you are doing? I’m blessed to have found your sight. I’ve been broken too long…and I want to heal! 🙂
    Hugs to you!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th February 2013

      Hi Discoveringme
      Welcome to EFB
      Awareness of it is the first step. For me the more I looked at the root cause of it to see “what caused me to do it in the first place” and what I needed to ‘cope’ because of, the more I could do the self talk I needed to stop doing it. Learning to stay in the present for me had a lot to do with looking at the past. I write a lot about this subject for all kinds of coping methods.
      Thanks for sharing
      Hugs, Darlene

  18. By: kathryn Posted: 9th February 2013

    Uuuu a place to post about my dissociation and be understood. Supremely exiting. We r thrilled. I love my internal family and we are almost integrated entirely. Even as we are integrated we still know who is who. We never had entirely separate alter personality but more of compartments that held specific trauma emotions that had access to particular core functions. Our core was always one. Then we created the ceo Kathryn and its been great ever since. We are now in process of making sure every part has total access to the core of wisdom of ceo parent. When it doesnt it will act out. It has been a process. I think to know your mind like this and see it happening has been the most profound experience in my life. It was literally finding myself, what can be better. And to know that i have shaped the very strucure of my personality and bent it to my will is magic.

  19. By: broken Posted: 1st April 2012

    spinning as i write this–but have a question well question and a statement i guess–first you, here is one of the few places i have read how your memories come back by different parts, pieces, etc–that is so me, everything is a “slide” show but different fragments have some of memories from the same incident–i not sure if i said that right–and that is so us

    sorry now babbling–but my question was, is, and if you dont care to share here–i am not sure about the whole needing to remember the memory to heal–how did you heal then??? where i am at now keeps hurting me worse (healing) and i am stuck so just wondering suggestions–being spiritually hurt before–going through spiritual healing has made it worse i think

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st April 2012

      Hi Broken
      It might help you understand how I healed if you go through the blog starting at some of the early posts. There is an Archive button on the right hand sidebar. Having said that, here is a quick answer ~ I had a few memories, even fragments helped because the goal is to realize that there was in fact damage, (full memory or not) and the ultimate healing goal was realizing what I believed about myself (the lies) as a result of the damage. I realized that I believed it was my fault, that I must have done something to cause the truama, that I was born defective and unworhty and stuff like that. All of that was lies and those lies were in my way but just saying that was not enough. I had to dig down and find the WAYS that those lies got there in the first place. I had to validate the fragments of memories, ~ there was plenty of turth in them.
      Hugs, Darlene

  20. By: SMD Posted: 3rd February 2012

    Darlene,
    I’m being triggered by your post. I coped for many years, by compartmentalizing my experiences/trauma. A prior counselor of mine, told me that when i talk about my experiences it seemed like i wasn’t talking about me. I interpreted that, as i was disconnected from my feelings, which was a defense mechanism for facing the trauma. As therapy progressed, she told me i have a more “integrated self”, well i thought that was a good thing but i still questioned myself- what does that mean?…did i have DID? mind you i studied Psychology in college…Years later, i get a new diagnosis of Personality Disorder NOS (non other specified) and was told i have Borderline Traits which does explain some of my extreme coping skills. This same counselor also gave me mixed messages of go towards my family who are the abusers- “continue to visit”, “your mom is trying to have a relationship”, your mom changed your diapers and she’s the only mom you’ll ever have”. Well, those comments didn’t sit well with me and i became confused, since i knew my family inflicts harm and blames me for things that are not my responsibility. Also, for years the relationship was ONE SIDED with me doing all the work. I would talk about this, but did not get validated. Luckily, i had a Psychiatrist at the time, who prescribed my antidepressants and she listened to me and told me my counselor could have her “own agenda”. This made sense to me because my counselor VALUED FAMILY..well maybe her family wasn’t abusive towards her like mine was! Anyway, long story short, I stopped therapy with her by saying it wasn’t working anymore and moved on to another counselor recommended by my Psychiatrist. She was better & validated my experiences & feelings, however, she told me as therapy progressed, that she didn’t want to hear me “unraveling”, when i called her one time because i was very upset. She was the one who encouraged me to call!…Needless, to say shouldn’t have said that to me! it made me feel bad(ashamed) for reaching out for help…Well i moved on from her also & ended up with an amazing counselor who is warm, approachable & available…she will take my calls in crisis & does not get frustrated with me….i trust her and i’m lucky to have found her….it took me awhile to find the right fit. I now feel as if I have a safe person to talk. My depression is better and i’m on my way to healing! this blog also helps me to express myself and I’m learning so much from all of you. Sorry if this post sounds random & disconnected to the prior posts, but it’s my thought process right now & just trying to connect the dots. Thanks for listening!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd February 2012

      Hi SMD
      I healed by trying to connect the dots! I love the work you are doing here, and I (as well as many others I am sure) appreciate it!
      I too spoke of myself as though I was talking about someone esle. I was DID however, knowing the diagnosis never helped me heal.. so I don’t concentrate on that part.
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  21. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th September 2011

    Pam
    This is really great, I love the way that you talk about this. I think integration happens differently for many of us. (some don’t want it to happen at all ~ it feels too scary for some) The dream world stuff was so important for me to pay attention to. There was so much information and so many clues there.
    Thanks so much for all your willingness to share the way you do. It is this type of honesty that makes the biggest difference to others and it is what I also strive to write and live in my own healing.
    Hugs, Darlene

  22. By: Pam Posted: 9th September 2011

    Darlene, Because of you, I am focusing on self-acceptance, allowing memories and awareness to come in its own time, and not only loving who I am now but also those, Pams that I walked away from in disgust. I’ve had my family telling me that I need to forgive them even though they never admit to doing anything to me, when I need to forgive myself and the people I created to do what I lacked the self-confidence to do. When all those pieces are fit together, there won’t be anything I can’t do!lol! It is huge. I asked my husband if he saw the pattern of my changing into different types of women in response to trauma and he said yes, he could see that and said he knows our boys see me as a ‘changling’ with him tagging along. Then I asked him if I was completely different or if there was always something in me that remained the same. He said yes, there was something that always remainded the same and that is what he almost lost when I went through chemotherapy treatment. I was shocked because a major part of my waking dream, my psychosis, was those young parts of myself calling to me, wanting me to go with them, and telling me I had to go with them. I had to make a consious decision to stay in this world. I was so terrified and I was nearly swallowed up into that other world. It was the catalyst though for me to start talking about the things that had happened to me and now both worlds are more unified. It is so strange how things work out and what the human mind is capable of.

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