Dealing with People Who Talk Down to Me

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demeaning and demanding peopleI reached a point in my adult life where I found myself wondering why some people who seemed to be so nice to other people, were not so nice to me.  I realized as I grew in this process of emotional healing that it had a lot to do with my own inner value. It was as though people could “see” how much I would put up with. My worth, before I emerged from broken had a lot to do with what I could do for others. I thought that my value was in what I had to offer. A lot of people took advantage of me and used me. I did a lot of service work but wasn’t really appreciated for it. I tried not to do if for the appreciation, but when people treated me like I didn’t matter, it really hurt me. I bent over backwards to “be good enough to deserve acceptance.”

I had to learn to value myself ~ enough to call them on it. I had to realize that they were wrong to treat me that way and if I let it go, they were likely to keep doing it. I had to care enough about me to reject that kind of treatment. I had to realize that when people talk down to me, it doesn’t define me as beneath them.  On the other hand I also had to learn that when people fall all over themselves to be with me, that doesn’t define me as worthy either. That was the false definition of love and acceptance that I had to come to understand in this process of emotional healing.

This was a huge part of my recovery process.

First I had to own my anger at this injustice towards me as a person.  I had to own my equality and believe in myself. Instead of constantly asking myself what was wrong with me and searching my heart for how I could be worthy of love and respect, I started to ask myself why people felt they had permission to treat me as less valuable or less important than they were.

The truth those thoughts led to enabled me to start asking those people who were discounting me questions about why they behaved the way they did towards me.

Years ago I would fantasize about talking to them the way that they talked to me. I imagined myself rising up and using all my sarcastic voice infliction, sneering down at them or rolling my eyes at them and disregarding them the same way that they disregarded me. I would “show them” how it felt. But that is not me. I hated that I didn’t know HOW to make them treat me as an equally valuable person.

I had to learn to stop seeing myself through their eyes.

Instead of scheming up ways of showing them how it feels when someone talks like that or ways to get revenge, I started to ask questions that seemed to shock them.  I say things like “why are you talking to me that way as though I am “nothing”?  I ask “why are you talking to me as though I have no feelings?” or I say “why are you speaking to me as though I am beneath you?”or one of my favourites;  “why are you talking to me like I am stupid?” No one ever has an answer. But they stop. They don’t know what to say. They are usually in shock because I point out their behaviour. Sometimes it is just a matter of letting them know that I know what they are doing. They are not fooling me anymore and they are not manipulating me anymore. I am not going to be regarded as beneath anyone. 

In the past I was afraid to make those kinds of statements (in the form of questions) because I was afraid that my feelings were wrong. I thought that maybe I was misunderstanding the intention of the person doing the mistreating. I thought I was “exaggerating”; I thought they must be right ~ that in truth maybe I really was nothing. I believed that I was less than other people. I had no understanding of equal value or equality for all people. I thought everyone else was deserving, but that something was wrong with me. I thought that it was my own fault (not that I could figure out WHY it was my fault) that people looked down on me.

When I married my husband his sister constantly talked down to me. For years she went out of her way to put me down whenever he wasn’t in the same room as us. When the kids were born she included my mothering ideas in her constant putdowns and sneering judgements of me. I found it SO frustrating but what could I do? I had no idea that I could point it out to her. It never occurred to me. And it didn’t occur to me because I was pretty sure that I must be wrong. I was sure that it was ME and it didn’t dawn on me that it might be HER or that she was proving herself to be a mean spirited woman. I didn’t realize that I was not the problem, and as I have written so often in the past, I had been convinced all my life that I was the problem… so I didn’t have the guts, OR the conviction  about where the truth lay, to say anything.  I took it. I tried harder to get her to like me!

When I first considered asking these kinds of questions, I thought that I was being a b-word. I really thought that sticking up for myself was mean and nasty and that I was presenting myself as mean and nasty if I confronted anyone with a statement like that. I was afraid that if I were to say any form of  “I don’t have to take your nasty attitude” that they would say “what a b-word you are”.  I had it really mixed up. 

But I got stronger. I grew in my understanding of the misuse of power and control. My self esteem began to recover.  I did not deserve that treatment from anyone. I am not stupid and I don’t have to allow people to treat me or to speak to me like I am stupid. The way they regarded me was about them and that isn’t my problem.  One of my fears was that they wouldn’t like me if I stood up to them. But by their actions and regard for me, they already didn’t like me enough to respect me. Another of my fears was that they would leave me, but they had never been with me. Relationship of any kind with them was conditional. My fears were misplaced and when I saw the truth, those overwhelming fears began to diminish. If they walked out of my life, and many of them have, what was I going to miss? 

Now that I know the truth, I can speak it. Now that I know the truth I don’t have to take that crap.  Now that I know the truth, few people ever say anything nasty to me anymore anyway.

My boundary is drawn in my heart.  It comes from the knowledge of my own worth.

And my life is so much healthier! 

Please share your thoughts and feelings.

A snapshot of truth on the journey to emotional healing

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here in the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

216 response to "Dealing with People Who Talk Down to Me"

  1. By: Diane Posted: 3rd May 2015

    S1988- thanks for the encouragement. I think I often feel like a child given the way the workplace is set up but I have taken steps to find a new job. It just takes time. I guess I meant I don’t have the ideal way of controlling the situation that I want – but yes I have taken the control that I can and you have given me even more ideas, so thank you.
    What I do feel helpless in is the day to day moment by moment control I have.

  2. By: S1988 Posted: 3rd May 2015

    @Diane

    I think you’re wrong when you said that you can’t escape a toxic work environment. It isn’t K-12 where you don’t have a choice but to stay since minors have limited power over their situations. You’re an adult and you can make choices with your life.

    Hold on to the job as long as you need to while searching for other jobs, then quit. Work at home if you can. That’s what I did to escape high demanding, persnickety jobs. Now I have a remote job with a flexible schedule and no exacting, strict boss breathing down my neck. I don’t think I will ever go back to brick and mortar.

    You’re not a defenseless child anymore. Take advantage of that.

  3. By: Diane Posted: 3rd May 2015

    Annetta and Natalie, I can relate to your guys posts word for word for word. I am at a complete loss of what can be done. I can’t get out of it either because its a work situation.

  4. By: Diane Posted: 3rd May 2015

    me and myself,
    I can relate to everything you say except its not a personal relationship, its a work relationship. I am not allowed to defend myself or I get considered insubordinate. Other people don’t defend themselves because the workplace is of the general culture that the higher your status the better treatment you deserve. The lower status people don’t protest this because they are unaware and have accepted their place- in fact they for the most part agree that this is the way it should be. I have worked in high and low jobs and never wanted to be treated differently in either. No matter who you are or what position you are in or not in you deserve to be fully seen and respected.

    I wish I had answers for you but it sounds like this threat has already helped you. I have been following this threat for years because I find it encouraging. I have not been able to make even a dent in my work situation unfortunately. But this thread helped me to realize the problem isn’t me. I couldn’t change it so I decided to put energy outside of work in finding a new path for myself. I did that and graduated with a masters degree recently. I hope it will help me find another job!

    I wish you the best in your relationship. Sometimes it comes down to communication problems due to personality differences and lack of experience and skill. If he deeply cares for you and him it would be worth getting to the bottom of it. If the care is not there on his part I would be concerned that he is being emotionally abusive.

  5. By: me and myself Posted: 3rd May 2015

    Hi everyone,

    It such a relieved knowing that i’m not the only one who’s experiencing unequal treatment.

    I’m the type that value respect, making sure that i do not cross any boundaries nor come across as a rude individual, i used to be self assured, confident but when i met my partner everything has changed.

    He treats me like an imbecile, he will makes some remarks that implying i’m stupid with everyone to hear, every time i say something he will question it, then i have to prove it to him by searching it in Google that what i said is a fact, then he would say “ok” with a smirk.

    This is the part of my life where i asked myself? Am i stupid? that i never had in the 26 years of my life,

  6. By: Natalie Posted: 19th January 2015

    I learned that trying to see yourself through other peoples eyes makes the bullying worse.

    People I think are nice end up bullying me.
    When I take someone for granted in my mind I found out “they always hated me” I hear them say it. They never liked me.

    The bullying gets worse as I get older. Very little stops them.

  7. By: Anetta Posted: 5th January 2015

    Honestly I ‘m really scared to stand up to my abusers-I know that they will reverse the situation and what they just said against me. It always me that is stupid and even if they insult me , harrass me or mock me in public like that woman i worked with, at the end of the day they always make me look like stupid , ignorant this one who is wrong, misundersood them, attacked them and guilty of every word I ve ever said, even if Im completely peaceful and in my opinion did nothing wrong ( I added ‘in my opinion” because I really don’t believe in myself and doubt every word I said when they start to attack me). End even if I know what happened i cant’t say a word, just can’t take a courage and say that! I even can’t find exact words to stand up for myself! It’s so harmful and stays for long and forever with me. I can’t defend myself, just can’t..

  8. By: Karren Posted: 4th January 2015

    Perhaps the solution is to just not be too “nice” or cooperative? Or trying to please too many people or be over-responsible? Because I can’t tell you how many people I have observed who are rude and lazy and STILL get everything thrown their way. They just amass everything around them in terms of possessions a and useful people to make it look like they have the perfect lifestyle, but they’re not nice people.
    It was bad when I was a kid, in fact it was worst when I was a teenager between 12 and 24. Everyone seemed to be shouting at me all the time. I don’t ever want that again. I have had about a year out of the mainstream workforce and this has been a crucial time in building my self esteem and honesty. It has been immensely hard, which is why I am now having to ask for help and not feel ashamed of it, since others ask for it all the time.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th January 2015

      Hi Karren
      Welcome to EFB ~ The answer for me was in looking at the truth ~ I am still nice but I don’t accept nasty treatment anymore from anyone. That was the result of the healing process however. I was groomed/raised to believe that I didn’t deserve better. This website is about how I changed that false belief about me. My life is amazing now. 🙂
      Glad you are here! hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Karren Posted: 4th January 2015

    I am 40, have written several books, am an accomplished artist and musician, and people still either talk to me as though I were an imbecile, or are hostile. I don’t know whether it’s because I am blonde, small and dainty, but my mother still treats me as though I were 2. She talks very slowly: “would – you – like – some – tea?” (with head nodding up and down in between). I remember even when I was 5 I used to squint up at her and think:”what on earth are you talking to me like that for?” Other people are not dissimilar, middle aged men are the worst.
    Wrt career/ work, “managers” can be ghastly. A vile woman, who wore equally vile perfume and sprayed it liberally over herself, was in charge of not my team, but another, in our open plan office. We had a dust mite/ nudge problem as the door was constantly kept open, and I found the only thing that helped was rubbing citronella into myself, as I was constantly being bitten. Well she started a rant “YUK it smells disgusting who’s wearing that is it you, can you stop using it please”, and at that point I snapped and said “yes it is me actually and it’s for my HEALTH and SOME other people’s perfumes might not be to EVERYBODY’S taste!!” At which point I was taken aside by my manager and told that I couldn’t speak to this other woman like that because she was a “manager”!!! (My manager also took a lot of abuse from her and I just don’t know how she did it – perhaps it was because the objectionable woman had also slept with the boss and therefore had bargaining power – nasty hard tart!

  10. By: Flukelsx Posted: 14th November 2014

    I just got fired from my job for the exact same reason.

    I was being reprimanded by a supervisor who has treated me like crap for 9-10 months straight. I’m the type of person who can deal with a lot of crap, but only to a point.

    I told the CIO, and my IT manager, that I can deal with a lot of crap from people but, people can only push me so far, and when I start pushing back people suddenly don’t like when I push back, and act all surprised by it.

    I think my problem is that I can’t let it out in short bursts like the article depicts, but when I do let it out it’s a Tornado, rather than a gust of wind, because I’m at the point where I don’t care what the consequences are anymore.

    I guess it’s nice to know I’m not the only person this happens to.

  11. By: Hope Posted: 20th October 2014

    Amber, It’s been too long since i posted. 🙂 The incident that happened to you in July, sound indicative of society in general these days. people are at their worst! People, especially strangers, are just horrible to each other, in public, anywhere at any time. This has become acceptable behavior. If that woman had done that to me, I would have slowly raised my hand up, gave her a half wave with my fingers only, and shook my head. as if to say, “take a picture bitch!”, now get in that car and get the hell away from my house. I am just so sick of it. It has become a habit of mine to get my iphone and hit record on my camera when people start road raging. they have raged on me for the most absurd, random reason or no reason at all. Mostly from tapping my horn. so I point my iphone at them without looking at them. It makes them stop most of the time. If they don’t I tell them to say hello to youtube. and thank you so much for a complete description of who you are and what car you are driving. It works without actually engaging them. That will never work. It is better than just ignoring them. because they need a reaction and don’t stop usually until they get one.
    Now i need some advice. I honestly do not know what to do with this, and anyone who sees this please chime in and tell me what you think. I am at a loss, and I think I am going to have to cut ties with a brother of mine for i don’t know how long. When things are good, this brother of mine and I are very close. Closer than any sibling can be. We talk almost daily. He is very successful, lives in nyc and has a great life. But for some reason he also is vicious, and treats me horribly out of the blue, unprovoked. It’s almost as if my presence triggers him. IDK. When he is the good brother, he is funny, supportive, generous etc. He has helped me tremendously without me asking when I hit financial hardship. Then, he uses it against me later.
    throws it in my face. When i fly to new york, he makes wonderful plans for us, with our mom, then treats me horribly and viciously attacks me anywhere for no reason. Even at a 5 star restaurant in soho on my 50th birthday, which had me walking down park avenue, in the rain trying to find a cab because he threw me out of the car. This time he made plans for us to stay in a nice b&B in a great area of my city. he invited friends (gay male friends). I don’t have an issue with gays. I Have many friends who are gay, my brother is gay. But, they can be horribly petty and bitchy. These particular people I mean. The trouble started before I even got there. I was lost, my navigation wasn’t working. My brother sensed frustration in my voice and instantly became vicious. I texted him back telling him i was going home. I didn’t want to, because we had spent weeks planning what we were going to make, and what we were going to do etc. I loaded my entire kitchen practically, and bought food because i was looking forward to cooking. I love to cook for people and My brother knows this. it was fine when i finally got there. Saturday was great. Sunday was horrible. His friends bitched because i took too long getting ready to go to the grocery store. I did this because i wouldn’t have time later, and we had old friend s I had not seen in years coming over. Then I needed to make roasted potatoes for one of my brunch dishes. I did not know that the other guy making some weird middle eastern egg dish for brunch was going to need the oven and the entire kitchen for 45 minutes to cook. they did not tell me this. also he had no clue what he was doing, and had issues with the cast iron skillet etc. The other friend became annoyed again because it was taking too long. I was blamed again for not making the potatoes earlier. Then i heard my brother say something in that vicious tone, and he started in on me, told me to leave, threw how much he paid for the house at me, etc etc etc. I didn’t leave, he left for a while. We kept cooking And everything was done in a timely matter and we ate and surprise! all the bitching was for nothing. Something else to add to the mix was that i was having a horrible cycle, and was in excruciating pain all the time trying to put my best face forward. Aleve works ok but this time not enough. They all also knew that i was going through that. They could care less. so later when I started cooking an elaborate delicious meal for our guests, the guys were horrible to me. Rude and making passive aggressive comments because my responses were not in a tone they wanted to hear. after our friends left, I started to pack. The house is an old creaky house with original hardwoods. when you walk fast, it can be loud. Finally my brother approached me in the kitchen and said “WHAT is wrong with you!” I told him i am packing and walking. he then responded with “MY friends are feeling tension from you and we think you should leave, now!” basically, THEY threw me out of the house.
    i started crying, and loaded my car as i wept. they kept their heads buried in their smart phones.My brother said things out the door like “this is the last time! never again! ” like it was supposed to be a threat. He is the one who starts it. For years and years and years. The second I got to my car i blocked all 3 of them on my Facebook. Blocked my brother’s number on my cell phone and told my mom what happened on her voicemail. but that doesn’t matter either. She always sides with him, because she depends on him. So now, i feel like i have no family. Once again, we are not speaking and we have been here so many times. So i ask you, what should i do? What would you do? I am so so tired of this. I feel abused, honestly. And I dont’ think i can have a relationship with him because he blames me and attacks me. And i also can’t trust him. I will not speak to him for a long time I’m sure, but I am sick of feeling this hurt and sick of this cycle. They are the only family I have. It just makes me sick. physically, mentally and emotionally ill.

  12. By: Amber Posted: 7th July 2014

    I just have to vent to get something out of my system. It is about a relatively minor but annoying thing. I just got the dirtiest look from a woman I don’t even know. I was sitting on my front porch and my cross the street neighbors along with a group of friends went to get in their cars, and this stranger in the group glared at me, got in the car and before she closed the door, gave me a another dirty look. She may know that my neighbor and I aren’t on friendly terms, but where does it give her the right to look at me like that? What does it have to do with her? It just seemed so nasty and very disrespectful. I think it may have triggered a lot a past feelings of being disrespected and devalued, especially at a time when I did nothing to provoke it. Thoughts, anyone? And thanks for listening to me vent.

  13. By: Hope Posted: 11th June 2014

    Indeed they are! 😀 oh and my “friend” just posted pics of herself with her “new BFF” from a party at her house this weekend, that I was not invited to. It is facebook and it’s not like she is rubbing anything in my face, but i can’t help to think that she is in a way. Honestly, I really don’t think she cares that much, because she obviously does not value me and this is just another sign that says so. BUH BYE! 🙂

  14. By: Amber Posted: 11th June 2014

    Hope, your cat and the friend that sends those nice texts ” just because” sound like keepers! 🙂 🙂

  15. By: Hope Posted: 11th June 2014

    Oh yes I am sure she does! 🙂

  16. By: Amber Posted: 11th June 2014

    Hope, and I have found that the friend who talks to you about another friend instead of telling that friend what the problem is will also talk to that friend about you instead of talking to you face to face. Just a caveat!

  17. By: Hope Posted: 11th June 2014

    AMEN Amber! We all deserve it. Your post made me remember that this “friend” also loves to call me up and complain about the other friend, that I don’t speak to anymore. She loves to gossip about her when she upsets her, but won’t ever tell her face to face. I am the dumping ground, but the other friend is her BFF because they had a double wedding together so they are like sisters. But I am an accessory. HA! not anymore. I am just fed up with people who don’t value me and if I have to be alone for a while so be it! My cat needs extra attention anyway. 🙂 Also, right after I posted earlier, one of my true friends whom I don’t see ever..sent me loving texts..just because. There’s your sign. 🙂 XO!

  18. By: Amber Posted: 11th June 2014

    Hope, I think what happened when I read your messages is that they triggered memories of friendships gone wrong in my life. There were some common themes in these friendships. One was The User. The girl that lived across the street when I was growing up and would ask me to go places then turn around and ask if my mother could drive us there. Her mother didn’t drive until after she graduated college. She would also pick fights with me when her cousin was staying over so she would have an excuse for me not to be around them. She even went as far as saying that her grandmother saw me swinging her cat around by the tail! She completely made that up, but for the longest time I thought that the grandmother didn’t like me and made that story up about me. Another variation on The User is a The Complainer. The friend that always wants you to listen to her complaints and problems, but if you need to confide in her she is not interested. It’s all about het. Then, the I ‘m S o a Important friend that only wants to talk about her trips, her promotion, her possessions, and will try to one up you so that she always feels she is on top. They can also be condescending to keep you in ” your place” which is at the bottom, so that she can try to boost her sagging self esteem. Then, the worst one; the Conflict Addicted friend. She thrived on conflicts but also tries to draw others in to take her side. She picks submissive friends should are likely to sacrifice their own feelings and opinions and go along with her antics. Because, deep down inside on some level the submissive friend knows that if she makes one wrong move, such as disagreeing with her, the Conflict Addicted friend will then turn on her, and gather together a gang of others to help the C. A. Friend destroy her. Because I am a sympathetic listener I attracted a couple of conflict addicted friends. Both relationships ended with the woman turning on me. One because I needed to discus with her that her son was bullying my son, and her daughter was destroying my bushes. Instead of agreeing to look into the situation she grabbed the chance to pick a fight, and then twisted the story to her advantage ( she made it seem like I was picking on her kids, when in fact I had gone to her in an attempt to resolve the problems) and proceeded to malign me to several others in the neighborhood. Meanwhile, I had felt this was between me and her and didn’t gossip to anyone about what happened. But when someone clued me in, giving me her version, I did let her know the truth about what happened. I had a di molar experience with another woman and have decided to stay FAR away from anyone who gossips about others and tries to draw me in. The warning signs were there with both women; I just didn’t pick up on them fast enough.
    I am lucky to have several good friends, ones that font fall into those categories. I know that there may be times when a friend might have a problem and I may have yo be more of the giver at those times. But, the difference is that I know that these people will be there for me if I need them. Loving and reciprocal relationships are what I look for now. Ones with mutual respect and where everyone is treated with equal value.
    Hope, you too are deserving of good friendships. Friends who treat you well and value you. Sometimes it means saying goodbye to relationships that aren’t working. Learn to look for signs of toxicity, like I mentioned above. Look for people that you can have a give and take relationship with, ones with respect and reciprocity. You deserved it!

  19. By: Hope Posted: 11th June 2014

    Amber Thank you so much again. Self Validation is where i need to live until I can heal. I just hope I can find it. Something I need to work on. It’s going to take some serious reprogramming after 40 years! I have to believe I am worth it. And my gut is always the best barometer and I should never ignore it. My gut always gnaws at me when I am at her house. I am so tired of her on and off friendship with me. it’s confusing. But I have finally come to realize that our friendship was superficial at best. She is not someone I can be deep with. She does not share my spiritual values and her husband is an outspoken atheist. She also drinks every single day. She drinks vodka the second she gets home from work, and starting in the afternoons on weekends. I never know how she is going to behave. They are good people, and like i said earlier, they did help me through a crisis three years ago. But I have noticed that she doesn’t value me as a close friend because she doesn’t spend quality time with just me. She goes to shows, concerts,trips, lunches etc with her other friends. She invites me to her house every once in a while. She has invited me to some women’s GNO ( girls night out ) events, but there always seems to be a complaint when she comes back and i really don’t like most of the women that go. So..I guess the bottom line with this friendship is, it barely exists really. And what I have to ask myself is and truly examine, is why i choose to be with friends who treat me badly, because it is familiar and better than not having anything to do? And why do I not feel worthy of true friendships with people who want to see me but for some reason I shy away. I guess I am wounded and I need to heal. I’m just tired of drawing toxic people to myself because of how I feel. Thank you so much Amber! So glad I found this blog.

  20. By: Amber Posted: 10th June 2014

    Hope, RE: your message 157; since you asked if we think you overreacted to your ” friend’s” antics, in my opinion I would give a resounding NO! It appears from what you’ve written that she tried to pass the blame to you ( saying you were overthinking and overreacting) and then turned the tables by crying and making herself the victim. Ugh! You said that she has demeaned you and humiliated you several times in the past couple of weeks, and that she uses a condescending tone of voice. I don’t think it is overreacting to not want to be treated in a disrespectful way. I know that it helps as we go through this process to get validation from others. We have learned to question our own thinking through put downs and being invalidated by others. I am at the stage in the process where I am really trying to listen to my own feelings. If I feel disrespected by someone, I now realize that there is a reason why I feel that way. I am not being treat well. I guess what I am saying is if you feel humiliated and put down from this persons treatment of you, go with your feelings. Validation from others is helpful and encouraging; what I am working on now is self validation.

  21. By: cat Posted: 10th June 2014

    great article.

    I have just had this experience on a narcissist website where the lady running it told me my childhood rape could be instantly let go if did her modules (which I had done and they weren’t) and that at some level I asked for the rape experience when I came into the world. I had to step back and really take a look at what this women was saying and why I was even listening to her??? I realized I need to stay away from looking to others to validate my experience, especially someone I don’t even know!! I guess I always wanted my mom to love me like other mothers and I still seek it elsewhere. Now I know I can stop this behavior and instead honor my journey with integrity and compassion.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th June 2014

      Hi Cat
      Welcome to EFB!
      OMGosh!! There should be a place to report stuff like that! That is horrifically abusive. I totally relate to seeking a mothers approval from others. I found that once I validated that I had not had the mother that I needed, and did some processing about the truth (that I had been taught was not abuse etc.) I was able to fill those voids in myself, love and accept myself and re-parent myself. I no longer seek a mother figure! 🙂
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

    • By: Karen Posted: 1st September 2016

      Cat, I am so glad you saw through that person’s lies. My mom sought church-based spiritual healing for her childhood abuse and encountered the same victim-blaming upon birth nonsense. Unfortunately, she never rose above those damaging ideas. Hope you are still moving on with the strength and integrity that shines through your words.

  22. By: Hope Posted: 8th June 2014

    Amber thank you so much for responding to me. Since my last post, she’s done it again, numerous times! So..more opinions would be greatly appreciated! I have had a long history of being abused, used and basically treated like crap. I was always told I was crazy etc. I am DONE with it! And when I have confronted this ‘friend’ I have been told I was over thinking it, I am over reacting or she started crying and blubbering as if i hurt her feelings, and denied everything! She’s a friend one day, and then she turns on me and she does not treat anyone else like this! I have never seen her do this. So..please tell me what you think. AM I overreacting? This is what she has done since my last post: ex.1 Invited me to a party at her house; house full of adults and teenagers. At one point all the teens sitting around the table. i say “looks like a good time for a group shot” because I wanted to take a picture of them. She walks behind me and says in that condescending tone in front of everyone ” NO IT’S NOT. THEY ALREADY DID THAT ANYWAY!” ..humiliating. ex 2. she said something demeaning to me in front of the adults later that night ex 3 same night..i was in a bedroom with her and two other friends..she says to them” In this room is my oldest best friend” and looks to the other person and says “and my newest best friend” and doesn’t say anything about me I thought it was a bit sophomoric, but also demeaning in a way. EX 4 three nights ago my cat brought in a live baby grass snake and presented it to me. i took a short video of her playing with it. This friend has FOUR cats that skill things or bring her dead presents. her response to my video was ” And…..you didn’t try to save it?” I sent her a “?? ” and she again replied..” DID you NOT even try to save it?” SERIOUSLY?!!!!! honestly why do I bother. My Mom calls it showing up for a beating. I am so tired of this. So please tell me..AM I wrong? AM i over thinking it? AM I crazy? OR AM I needing to seriously distance myself and move on. She goes months without really including me in anything so it won’t be hard. And we do not have the same values. The only thing we had in common was my friend from 3rd grade, and I never hear from her or get a response and I can honestly say we are no longer friends. I greatly appreciate any from this forum. Many Blessings! XO Hope

  23. By: Angelia Posted: 5th June 2014

    Thank you, Darlene. This is such an interesting blog. I’m anxious to read your other articles.

    You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’m far from that state of healing.

    Often lately people have talked to me in a condescending way. I usually ignore it and walk away rather than get into an argument. I don’t know why people talk to me this way. I used to be respected, my opinion was valued. Somewhere along the line, things changed. It makes me feel like I’m losing my personal power. Perhaps I’m being too complacent, too nice.

  24. By: Angelia Posted: 4th June 2014

    So what if the person talking down to you is a friend and/or someone you respect? If I asked them why they’re treating me like I’m stupid, I’d be afraid that I’d be seen as overreacting or hostile.

    I foolishly got into a debate with a friend about whether canine hip dysplasia is genetic or environmental. I’m very educated on the subject and so is she, but we see it from an entirely different perspective. I don’t care if she disagrees with me, but I’m smarting about the way she talked down to me as if I’m stupid, far below her intellectually in her lengthy rebuttal. She went so far as to tell me what two studies we’d both read mean and kept repeating information as if I didn’t get it the first time. I did get it–I just didn’t agree with it. As I have a puppy who suffers from the condition, it’s a very emotional topic for me.

    I’ve decided to quit the discussion and let her have the last say. Now I’m thinking that perhaps it’s best not to challenge a friend on a controversial subject. I’ve always avoided political and religious topics with friends, but perhaps any passionate topic should be avoided.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th June 2014

      Hi Angelia
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      Your question is a really big one! For me being able to ask those questions came well into the healing process when I no longer cared how they ‘saw’ me and was more concerned with the way that I was being devalued and mistreated. Of course there is a difference between a difference of opinion on a topic and being treated in a nasty way and it was important for me to understand those differences as well.
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  25. By: Amber Posted: 27th May 2014

    Hi Hope! I too have had experience with being bullied as a child, and I have had some friendship struggles in both childhood and adulthood. As a child I tended to gravitate to “friends” who did not treat me as an equal, and used the friendship to obtain rides to various activities from my mother or to obtain other favors from me; favors that they would never have been willing to return. Me, I felt so worthless as a child that I would pay almost any price to obtain a friend, even one who treated me like garbage. In elementary school, I paid a dime to a girl once to buy her friendship. She gladly took it but was a nasty mean person to me and the friendship didn’t last. By seventh grade my self esteem had improved a little and I made friends with some girls that genuinely liked me. But then there were others who sensed the insecurities I still had and used them in various ways to their advantage. One girl especially liked that I felt insecure and ran to her for advice. It made her feel superior and she would sometimes come out with little digs; nasty comments to keep me feeling inferior to her so that she could continue to feel above me.

    In adulthood, a couple if times I made the mistake of befriending the type of woman who would not tolerate you saying anything that opposes her way of thinking. As long as I agreed with this type of person ( I had two friendships like this) they would remain my friend, but there came a time in both if these friendships when I did express my opinion, and both of these women, who did not know each other by the way, dropped me when I dared yo express opposing opinions and feelings. What was similar about both of these women is that it wasn’t enough yo end the friendships. One was a neighbor and she gossiped a trail of lies to many others in the neighborhood about me. The other roman was a former high school classmate who I Reunited with through Facebook. She did the same thing, spreading malicious gossip to other classmates. In both situations, people who these women had gossiped to alerted me yo the lies they were spreading.

    Hope, I’ m not going to try to tell you what yo do with those women, because it is up to you to decide your path. But I will share some of the guidelines I now yes with choosing friends and continuing old friendships. First, any insults, put downs and anything else done to try to make me feel bad is unacceptable. It is also unacceptable for someone to tell me I am too sensitive or that I can’t take a joke if I call them out on their nasty behavior. To me that means they are unwilling to take any responsibility for their crappy behavior. I now steer clear of friendships with women that are looking for a one side friendship where they expect me to do all the giving, and I also steer away from women who are unable to tolerate opinions that differ from their own. If someone is going to try to shut my voice down, or if someone is just looking for favors from me then it is not a relationship of equality and I don’t want it.
    Perhaps you can think over what your bottom line is with those women, what is acceptable to you and what isn’t. Could you then talk to them about what bothers you about the friendship? If so, then see if they are willing to make changes. If not, then you will need to evaluate whether you wish to continue relationships with them. Best of luck, Amber.

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