Celebrating Fathers Day Without a Father

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dysfunctional father daughter relationship

Since it is father’s day, and not all of us have a great relationship with a father, I thought I would write something about difficult father daughter relationships. I have a father who is still alive and sometimes I wish I could write more about him, but there just isn’t much to say. To put it bluntly, he can’t be bothered with me. This relationship that I had with my father is equally as dysfunctional and devaluing as the relationship I had with my mother, it was just “different.” I spent years as a child trying to get his attention, but I failed to capture his interest. I used to think that perhaps if I were a boy like my brother who was gifted in sports he would have noticed me, or perhaps that was only about the sports and not really about my brother.

My father is really into himself. He has this sort of happy go lucky personality and I always thought he was great with people but the truth is that he is really terrible at relationships. He is really only interested in talking about himself and in telling his stories. I didn’t notice that about him for a very long time. The way I saw it when I was younger was that my dad liked everyone EXCEPT ME. That he talked to everyone and he was interested in everyone but me.  I see it differently today. Today I realize that my Dad is pretty much an emotionally unavailable father.

My father isn’t connected to himself or to anyone else. Some people might think that he is narcissistic, or that he has some sort of attention deficit disorder, but I think that if you looked up the word “dissociated” there would surely be a photo of my father. None the less, the truth is that my father and I have a very dysfunctional father daughter relationship.

It took me a long time to realize that his disinterest in me wasn’t about me. It was about him. He isn’t interested in me. He never was. Why is that my fault? It was hard to realize my father’s part in the destruction of my self esteem and where he contributed to the malfunction in my life.  I didn’t connect that his emotional unavailability and lack of interest in me was in itself the problem. He just didn’t care. That is pretty devaluing. It communicates a lot. I didn’t have a father by ANY definition of the word other than it was his seed that helped to produce me and I suppose his money that paid the financial responsibilities. That isn’t exactly the definition of a great relationship with my dad.  It isn’t a very good or truth based definition of love. He wasn’t “there for me” he didn’t spend any “energy” on me, he wasn’t emotionally invested in me; this is the definition of a dysfunctional father daughter relationship and as I have said, an emotionally unavailable father.

It has been hard to face the truth about my father. There was so much glaring dysfunction when it came to my mother, that with my father, I just wasn’t sure where to start looking at our relationship. One day I found myself trying to remember good memories that had to do with my father. I remembered this one Christmas when I was too sick to go to the church Christmas party. My father stayed home with me. I was so sick that I was just lying on the couch watching him put tinsel on the Christmas tree. That is my best memory. That is the only really great childhood memory I have. Isn’t that a sad story? He never noticed me. He never talked to me. He never listened to me.

The truth was that I grew tired of always having to chase after his attention years ago. I didn’t even know that I had given up. I kept in touch with him because I thought my children needed to have a grandfather. That they “should” have a grandfather and that I OWED him that much. Where do these thoughts even come from?? My children “should” have a grandfather? I thought “I OWE my father that much” and “my father has a right to be a grandfather” But WHY??

Turns out he wasn’t interested in them as individuals exactly the same as he wasn’t interested in me and they are painfully aware of it. He used to act interested, but when they wanted to tell him something he cut them off and talked about his own stuff.  (He is still emotionally unavailable) So the cycle of being devalued, un-noticed and unappreciated as an individual, just continued.

Today I wonder what the heck I was thinking. I look back over my life and I realize that my father never “bothered himself” with me. This wasn’t something new at all. I was used to carrying the FULL burden of relationship with him. I was used to trying harder and harder for his attention. That WAS the extent of the relationship that I had with him.

Not having a father who is interested in me doesn’t define me as being “not good enough as a daughter” anymore. For years I thought that his disinterest was about me, that it was my defect and my fault. But now I know that it is about him, it defines HIM and really had nothing to do with me.

Today I know that I was a great daughter. My heart was always good; I just got ripped off in the parent department.

Please share your thoughts, your pain or your inspiration.

Happy Fathers Day, especially to all those who have to “Father” themselves!

Darlene Ouimet

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Related Posts: Passive Abuse and Emotionally Dysfunctional Relationship

Parent Child Relationship ~ what a confusing mess

Withholding Emotional Involvement ~ Passive Abuse

 

 

172 response to "Celebrating Fathers Day Without a Father"

  1. By: Deb Posted: 17th June 2017

    To my dad I was just a little girl to have sex with. He may have told me he loved me but it was his lying manipulation to seduce me. My mother never told me she loved me so neither one of them were there for me. And they still aren’t. Not that I would want or trust that now.
    Going to church on Father’s Day is so difficult hearing others speak about how great their father was.

  2. By: Jules Posted: 5th July 2016

    I can’t even begin to believe finding this blog, at this time, it was meant to be. My “father” is a narcissist to the core. My entire life I was NEVER good enough, never smart enough, never pretty enough. As a younger child in a very large family, all I ever was, just another girl. He only values men, and even then the only brother I had became just like him. There has never been a kind word from either of them my entire life. And all of my other sisters are either in denial or don’t speak to him as I don’t. He called me names, said I was fat, dumb and that I would never amount to anything in my life. I needed to be smart like the older siblings…and some such bs like that. My mother did nothing, she did what she could I guess. Just laid low until another one of his temper tantrums blew over. He never gave me a birthday gift much less a card. There was no relationship at all. He would barge into the bathroom when I was in taking a bath, then laugh at me. He left my mother when she got sick, and when she filed for separation, he went back to her and was conveniently back in love with her. He cheated on her for years and bragged about it to my (ex) father in law. He is such a horrible excuse for a human and an even worse excuse for a father. I have not spoken to him for 9 months…should have been 9 years. I am living a much more peaceful life, but having a hard time figuring out how to move forward in a healthy way, in loving myself so that maybe someday I will be able to have a healthy relationship with a man. How do I trust?

  3. By: Carlos Posted: 19th February 2016

    Haha my father has always been into himself so much (I remember one time when he was all high and almighty when he managed to convince my cousin to change his career direction because of his “words of pure gold”. *Gives his old man an award, along with a round of applause*). I was never allowed to be my own person when I am around my “loving” father. Growing up, I was always hailed as “his junior” which I guess, meant that I was expected to follow his footsteps. Throughout my early years, my father did everything to see to it that I would live by this “junior tag” by pressuring me in doing the following things being:

    (I) Attending karate classes (Because he’s a martial arts enthusiast)
    *If I decide to say anything, he’ll try to get me to fall back in line by asking questions like, do you want to be confident? do you want to look good?
    (II) Doing I.T. related stuff (My sister is into that stuff, but he tried to push me to be into it to. Matter of fact, he complained when I never told that I was studying graphic design in high school).
    (III) Only doing “guy” related things
    *So basically, every time that I listen to a song from any female artist or girl group, I would be given the death stare along with names like girly-girl. (Funny enough, he listens to songs from (of course he has a right!) female artists as well)
    *If I decided to enact a dialogue by a female actress in a movie just for fun, I would also be called out for that (I am guilty of laughing when he does the imitations *gives self the biggest face palm*)
    *I couldn’t cry whenever I was abused (Oh I meant cared for sorry typo right there)
    >Don’t worry pops, next time you “care for me” I’ll hold a grand party with a sign encased in gold saying THANKS FOR ALL THE “GREAT THINGS” YOU DID DAD 😀
    (IV) That I couldn’t consider the bad things that could happen in anything I am venturing into (But when he’s feeling down, I am the shoulder to cry on).
    (V) That my mindset should be the same as his
    *Anti-homosexuality, anti-this, anti-that etc…
    (VI) That I should always understand my elders (Because when I make a mistake, it’s actually my fault as to why I got myself in that situation).

    I am just so glad that I finally woke up, because from the age of 22 and onwards, I am no longer living by the “junior tag.” Don’t worry my old man, I am not going to get involved in drugs or murder, though don’t expect me to embrace what has been preserved in our family for several generations now. I am not you so stop living through me in order to carry out the dreams that you failed to pursue.

  4. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th June 2014

    Hi Everyone! A new post related to this subject of ‘Fathers Day’

    I just published a new post on the home page! This one is called “When Dad enables Mom in Emotionally Abusive Family Relationships” and it’s kind of a joint message this time! I write a bit and then Carrie H. shares about her relationship with her father as he defends her mother. I am looking forward to this! link ~ https://emergingfrombroken.com/when-dad-enables-mom-in-emotionally-abusive-family-relationships/

    hugs, Darlene

  5. By: marquis (female) Posted: 24th February 2014

    Love the blog.

    ” I didn’t connect that his emotional unavailability and lack of interest in me was in itself the problem. He just didn’t care. That is pretty devaluing. It communicates a lot. I didn’t have a father by ANY definition of the word other than it was his seed that helped to produce me and I suppose his money that paid the financial responsibilities. That isn’t exactly the definition of a great relationship with my dad. It isn’t a very good or truth based definition of love. He wasn’t “there for me” he didn’t spend any “energy” on me, he wasn’t emotionally invested in me; this is the definition of a dysfunctional father daughter relationship and as I have said, an emotionally unavailable father.”

    Agreed thank you for saying that! I have been saying that for years about my “father” being extremely emotionally unavailable and was “never there for us” like a real loving dad should be. My ex therapist said ‘he pays the bills,’ I said ‘a lot of people pay bills, since when do you deserve respect because you pay the bills?’ Ooh, she didn’t like that! I asked her ‘since when is that the definition of real love?’ I never got an answer like always.

    It is devaluing to a child or anybody for that matter. Like I said a lot, my dad is all about himself. My brother seem to have somewhat better treatment because he is a male yet was also mistreated by him while he was growing up. Brother wants nothing to do with him at all. I told people and therapist ‘what does being there for your children mean? I am not talking just sitting there physically in front of the tv – that is not putting energy towards your children.’ The part where you said a father is just his seed producing you – that’s exactly what my sister says our parents are just related to us by DNA, nothing physically, spiritually, and emotionally about them.

    It’s true, my “father” never invested any time for us all about his whore mistress or any other whore out there and screwing people over. My sister has 2 teen daughters and doesn’t invest time in them anymore, he did for a short while when they were little – even when they were little, they didn’t like his aura. They sent him something from Japan and he just tossed the gifts like a POS!

    We knew growing up how our “parents” never invested any real time emotionally, physically, and spiritually with us. Why is that hard for people to understand is beyond me. I told ex therapist ‘just because you made kids, pay the bills, put a roof over their head(s), etc is not the real definition of love – like you said not a real truth based definition of love. I told her and people ‘please explain/provide a definitive argumentative answer on a truth based answer of what love really means and guess what? They couldn’t!!! lol I asked ‘cat got your tongue? Is this a very hard question? Wait a minute, you are suppose to be a parent and should already have those answers for your own children since you and other parents share a lot about parenting!’

    Yep, therapist and other people didn’t like that at all. I have asked every hard question out there and nobody has the brains to use critical thinking out there! When I was a kid, I cried because I didn’t have a dad that didn’t spend time with me. Guess what? I was told to “suck it up and deal with it,” yet my mom did absolutely nothing about it nor did she bother to invest her time with me! Yes, I had such absentee “parents” it isn’t funny! Oh but wait! I have a dad and mom according to people but I am not “an orphan,” or have “absentee parents.” Actually, I have always felt like an orphan being raised in a foster care household where the “parents” are unfortunately related to me (sounds strange I know).

    There has never been any real physical intimacy towards them and us growing up. We don’t have any real feelings for our parents and they don’t have any for us like my sister said ‘two complete strangers raising us as there is no empathy, physical, emotional, spiritual, unconditional love, etc from them.’ We never had a real parent/child relationship, again, we were treated like slaves, servants, and were produced to keep dad around! So, why do people get irate when I tell them I have no father or parents? He never wanted to do anything for us, we have sat at home with no food or electricity in the house. People say ‘he couldn’t afford it,’ I said ‘yes he could! He was (retired now) a software engineer at a semiconductor plant and you’re telling me he couldn’t afford it?!?’ He made a lot of money to afford it!’ God, people don’t know when to open or close their mouths before they look stupid!

    I never had any real feelings for them and still don’t now at almost 30! My ex therapist asked me about any “good memories” with my dad and told her ‘we went to Disneyland every Saturday which always turned out to be a disaster because he never wanted to spend any money on me. Do you know how many times I’ve watched parents especially dads buy their kids food, drinks, and sometimes souvenirs while I had nothing? I did get a Goofy hat but lost it on the ride and never got another one. It was humiliating to go somewhere with him and I had to pay my own way (I was just a kid back then).

    I hated when my mom made me go with my dad here in AZ to places and it was the same BS routine, nothing but arguments in the car over something he should have been specific about, threats, blah blah blah. Who wants to spend time with someone who does that all the time!? Oh wait, my mom does that it’s her daily dose of drama medication!!

    Not having a father defined me as “a lousy daughter who wasn’t good enough to measure up to a man,” I had someone who said this to me long ago (person I met offline, but was chatting with him one day before I stopped talking to him) made a stereotypical comment about certain races of kids always growing up with no dads and I told him ‘the color of a person’s skin has nothing to do with why their own dad (or mom or any relative) wants nothing to do with the child. It’s basically poor upbringing on the child’s parents for choosing a dead beat and the child will always suffer in the end.’ My god, this guy had no kids claimed he wanted to be a dad in the future but made a stereotypical comment. I told him ‘what control does a child have when their own relatives/parents want nothing to do with him/her?’ He said ‘they must have done something….’ It’s always the “they must have done something which is why their parents want nothing to do with them,” wow if that isn’t hateful I don’t know what is!

    I hate father’s day and mother’s day don’t care for them at all not all “parents” deserve to be recognized – don’t care how many kids they popped out. Father’s day was bad long ago, gave my dad something and he didn’t appreciate it – that was the last time I gave him something. Same thing happen with my nieces they gave him a grandfather’s present and he treated it like shit that was it for them too. My dad knows nothing about them and they (nieces) don’t care to know him or my mom at all.

    I know some things that happen to my dad but we don’t know everything again more family lies/secrets! He talks about how he “loved his mom” but my mom and sister said he treated her like garbage, but near the end, she tried to make things right and he refused. I told my sister ‘his mother should have done a lot better when him and aunt Debra were kids,’ but she didn’t. His mom was an alcoholic and when she died in the early 90s, he cried like a big baby and “protects” his enrage alcoholic mom when you speak ill of her.

    Yea, it was nothing but an emotionally, unavailable, narcissistic, sociopathic, professional lying lack of a “father” we have…..

  6. By: DXSMac Posted: 17th June 2013

    Just read comment 129 from 2011. Wow. I didn’t grieve at my Dad’s funeral, either. My sisters got mad at me and said, “you don’t have to be strong.” I wasn’t being strong. I just felt nothing. So, to appease them, I thought of the saddest thing I could (losing a pet) and managed to cry for that. No one was the wiser.

    I’m sure you are familiar with the Emperor’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Anderson (and all this time I thought it was a Grimms Fairy Tale). Well, I’m the little kid that says, “mommy mommy, the emperor isn’t wearing clothes.” Discovering my truth was about the “emperor not wearing clothes.”

  7. By: Josée Posted: 17th June 2013

    This resonates so deeply with me. My parents got married because my Mom was pregnant with me. Divorced 10 years later after a very chaotic and violent marriage. My father was military and he would sign up for every and any mission there was. Gone for 6 months at a time and when he was home, he wasn’t there. After the divorce my father would get us during a month in the summer. He would work while were there and then come home and spend time with his new wife and her kids. We were an afterthought. I too went through the strain of trying to keep up a relationship because my children ”needed” a grandfather. I have since left that notion behind. My children joke that there should be a section at the Hallmark store for Dad’s that just weren’t there. Thank you for writing this and sharing and making us all feel like we’re not alone.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th June 2013

      Hi Josee
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      I had so much difficulty around the whole “my kids need grandparents” and I was in such a deep fog about it. When I look back for me it was part of the same fantasy; that I could do something (produce grandchildren) that would finally make them love me! I never thought that they might discount the kids as much as they did me! (and my inlaws were the same way) Yay for letting that notion go that my kids might need these dysfunctional and unloving people in their lives!!
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  8. By: DXSMac Posted: 17th June 2013

    Wow. I read this and your other post about emotionally absent fathers. wow. My sisters had a better relationship with dad because they had animals at the fair. I did not participate in this, thus, had ZERO relationship with my dad. Not good not bad, just ZERO. I wanted my dad to talk to me so bad, so I went up to him and asked, “why do guys just want to get in your pants?” Dad just gave me this “look” of “why aren’t you asking your mom?” I don’t even remember what he said. All I remember is how uncomfortable he was at this. I didn’t have any brothers. Mom keeps saying that Dad “really wanted kids.” But yet he wanted MOM to do the “parenting.” Dad did NOT want to “parent.” My whole childhood was a lie……

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th June 2013

      Hi Amy
      Yay to enjoying freedom and healing! There really is LIFE after all that horror. Yesterday we celebrated fathers day here. We celebrated family, connection, love, acceptance and freedom. We celebrated US. We celebrated Jim (my husband and father of our children) and his commitment and success as a father. We are so blessed!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi DXM
      Yes, all the fantasy I had was all a lie. And breaking out of that lie and into the sunlight of the truth, as hard as that was, has been the best thing that I have ever done! I don’t live in that lie anymore and that is amazing! It feels great and I feel great! I know finding out this stuff sucks but there is freedom on the other side!
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Amy Turon Posted: 16th June 2013

    Thanks for the post, Darlene. My father died from cancer a few years ago, and there was only ONE overwhelming emotion that I had when he died – RELIEF! Waves and waves of relief. Like you, I can only find a couple of happy memories of my time with him.

    Thankfully I am moving forward, healing as I go. Today I can be happy for those who celebrate their father on Father’s Day. I don’t sense the deep well of loss that I did at first. I lost my childhood. I never had a happy childhood, but I am okay now. I’m enjoying my freedom and healing every day.

  10. By: Lora Posted: 16th June 2013

    Hi Darlene! Thank you for an opportunity to share on this subject. You pretty much described my father to a t.

    I guess the best memories of my dad have been in my 40’s when we went out for breakfast once every 2 to 4 months and we would just chat about things going on in our lives. When I got into my healing journey on a deeper level I started getting braver and asking more questions about my child hood and confronting some issues I would never dare ask before.

    The truth finally revealed itself and it was like a deck of cards that came following down. My dad admitted that when he got my mom pregnant that he didn’t want to keep it, he had other plans but he was over powered by my mom’s mom to keep it. My mom (for whatever reason) wanted another child (me)and once again he did not want another child.

    It’s like it all became clear to me…this man that I put on a pedestal for being such a great provider and having to deal with my mom and her mental illness was really no different than my mom, he just expressed it differently. My mom had children to fill the emptiness within her which is a whole another story of dysfunction that I had to unravel, but my dad was just this guy who had to full fill a duty and obligation placed upon him by two over bearing women.

    It occurred to me that I have been chasing a father for love and approval while he was trying to run away from responsibility. He did his part by providing food, clothing and shelter but other than that we were my mom’s responsiblity to take care of.

    My whole life started to unravel along with all the lies and betrayals. I can’t tell you how humiliated I felt when I heard the truth even though on some level as a child I knew something was terribly wrong. I thought it was me that was wrong, everything about me and my personality was wrong and that’s why he wanted nothing to do with me. The lengths I went too for his attention just make me cringe now as an adult.

    The saddest part for me was this was my pattern with men. I kept choosing emotionally unavailable men and would continue this same dysfunctional pattern with them.

    You bet I feel ripped off when it comes to be part of a loving family that truly wanted to have children. I felt like an inconvenience most of my life or just a puppet for my mom to play with when it served her needs.

    I found a spiritual mentorship that is my new soul family and it’s there that I am learning about unconditional love and what it means to really honor my own soul. I feel very grateful that I have a second chance to be the version of myself I’ve always wanted to be instead of the lost, confused, wounded child I was.

    Words cannot express my gratitude for the difference you have made in my life and many others. It’s through this wed site that I found my courage to have a voice and to express how I really feel. Thank you Darlene and for all fellow souls who follow the path of healing and love. Namaste to you all!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th June 2013

      Silent Queen
      Welcome to emerging from broken
      Yes, I believe that this cycle of abuse and dysfunction began all those years ago too.
      Thank you for sharing, Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Lora
      Your post reminded me of how painful it was to face the truth, but then how freeing it was to have done so! There was already so much pain and looking back I gained everything from allowing myself to face the truth and feel those feelings that I had avoided for so long.
      Thanks for your post!
      hugs, Darlene

  11. By: Silent Queen Posted: 16th June 2013

    All I know is, after doing tons of work on myself is that once you/we are in command of ourselves, all the pain, and loss, and hurt will not matter. This may be harsh, but in 100 years, none of us and this will matter. I just want everyone to grab life, each hour , each day and start living for yourslves..ourselves. NOW! THIS is what I am successfully doing albeit that no one knows what is happening to me on the inside. Life and living is a skill and an art. We have to take control of ourselves and not let any of this crap destroy ourselves and this gift of a life we have. Our time can be taken too if we let it. I truly believe the families, parents and people in our lives who have been unable to love us are part of the horrific legacy of dysfunction that has held mankind captive for 1000s of years. The traumas of the cruel and barbaric global societies of the recent and ancient pasts created disorders or the heart, soul and mind. All these parents were not fully human and in my mind, ill or disabled , their genetics disordered etc. When I see it like that, I am truly no victim or any of them. Parent, boss, neighbour or so called friend. The majority are all on a spectrum. But me, I recognise that I am a glorious, gorgeous ,loving , wise and caring empath full of life, love and wisdom and I care and respect Darlene and you all for going so within and sharing. I am able tolive forme now. Finally. Age 45!!!In my world,I cannot talk to anyone about the abuses I have suffered, although I have tried. No one could think it possible what my soul has endured, but maybe only people connecting here. Please live and love yourselves and know people like me are out here, grateful that you do exist and express your truth. LOVE XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  12. By: c Posted: 16th April 2013

    My dad scared me to death and still does. I am afraid to speak to him- afraid when I hear his footsteps coming down the hall; when he enters a room. My mom was silent but always giving bad looks as if I had done something wrong. She never gave me a hug or told me she loved me- neither did my dad. IF I ever asked her for anything she would say ‘go ask your dad’- I never would because I was terrified of him. (she may have known this and this gave her more satisfaction?)
    Maybe she was the voice behind his abuse of me- I don’t know. she never intervened to try to stop it or say anything just let him abuse me. It was only when I finally had had enough and FOUGHT HIM BACK at 17- that she came to the doorway and said ‘Len, let her go’
    and I limped out the door and in to town. I was gone for a week living with a house full of guys who said I could stay there if I cleaned up after and cooked for them. I missed the Aerosmith concert, I had bought tickets and been eagerly waiting for. But I found out my abuser and his border patrol buddy were going to be there looking for me. Days later, when I ‘heard’ my abuser wanted me to come home I decided to go home- I was numb but scared. When I walked in through the door ‘he’ was standing in the kitchen holding a newspaper up so it covered his face- pretending to ‘read’? more like hiding? I walked past him and said I love you Dad. He nor the newspaper never moved. He never said anything and never talked about any of this ever…
    but he never hit me again either. Not until after my husband had left me and our 3 children(my abusers just happened to be in my home the night my husband leaves???) He raised his fist to hit me in the face when I said he was not getting any of my children’s child support nor could he claim on his income tax. He stopped when I said I was calling the police. They came and validated HIM because it was HIS house and he could basically do what he wanted to me there. This invalidated my first attempt to stop the abuse as an adult. Does it seem even police and other adults in domestic violence agencys or even Ministrys do not see abuse of adults as abuse? For years and years the first words out of ‘dad’s’ mouth whenever he would first see me were “So how much child support are you getting?” I never told him. I would just say- ‘your not getting it Dad’ These past months again he swung his closed fist next to my face when I said he was doing what he was accusing me of doing…this infuriated him. He stopped short of hitting me in the face when I said- are you going to HIT ME again? I will call the police. He then began ridiculing me for saying I would call the police. His patterns of abuse- physically-emotionally- spiritually-psychologically- are repetitively the same so I know he has not changed. I thought he had- with his prayers in Jesus Name. But recently I remembered that when I was a child he had prayed at dinner about Jesus. I think that was part of the anger that grew in me as I got older-his praying to Jesus- then beating me up- throwing me across rooms. pulling my pants down when I am 14, 15, 16 and spanking me across his knee bare bottomed!! I felt such SHAME every time his hand touched me there. I can barely stand to write this – I am getting sick to my stomach again. But I cannot QUIT this time. in the past whenever I have pursued healing I have gotten very dysfunctional and had to stop as I had children and a husband to care for.
    Now I MUST continue the healing process- now to be healed completely in my emotions and soul. I am nervous about the abusers return this week and for the face to face abuse to continue. What I will say or not say- react or not react- where to GO to escape. I do not drive- and am 25 MI from a town in the mountains. But I can walk out the door and go for a walk..just make sure I have a house key! They have already locked up all the possessions I have left. They begin screaming viciousness at me when I ask for my things. or my son to have his.
    What is a shocking painful revelation is my mother screaming such hate at me. She was forever silent growing up. We never knew what she was thinking or what we had done wrong just always had the ‘look’ -like I had done SOMETHING WRONG. she must have done what I have seen her(and my NS do now)- childed him behind closed doors until he does whatever SHE WANTS- and that results in more of his horrible screaming at my son or me about whatever she has imagined or wants him to believe or whatever. This beginning revelation about her has been very painful. I knew she lived in great denial. I never knew she hated me so much but I always wondered why she treated me like a nobody. never inviting me to go do any of the things she does with my sisters(which she also would seemingly flaunt in my face) It doesn’t matter who is around, they actually engage all family members in gossip, tearing us down with their lies – my nieces nephews my own daughters, probably their church members too- in their negative comments and thoughts about us. She has tried in vain to get me to feel jealous of my sister; to try to cause divinsion within my own family- actually she HAS been successful at times with this. She caused division with her 11 brothers and sisters. and dads family of 12 also. It is a pattern. Why does she not want unity. I remember writing a letter to them as a child asking if we could please have a loving close happy family. I stood for truth and love and would intervene in their fighting. I bacame the scapegoat- I think I accepted the role if it meant so one else would get hurt. but for years I have tried to step out of that role- reject it. But not without huge abuses from siblings and them..and then I separated and went NC to save my children and myself from their abuses. Then I would reach out and then the patterns would repeat. I am sick of it all. and now beginning to SEE the TRUTH. I wish to God I had accomplished what I am just starting- sooner.
    I first saw ‘mom’ gas light?? me last month- they then left town and I cried all day. My son tried to stop me- but I was just so sad and injured myself because her hate was so painful- I must have projected her hate toward me onto myself that day?
    Since that day more and more has been revealed. I ‘found’ this site. I do wish I was more articulate like many of you but am unable at this time to put my words in order-I apologise. I used to have a ‘way’ with writing- but am having trouble even forming words in my brain. There has just been so much- all I want is peace. It’s been horrible what has happened since my sons medical crisis four yrs ago- and unimaginable how some family has ‘dis owned’ us- thrown us to the gutter so to speak-since the crisis.
    Sometimes it is too much to continue to just survive. We have to have a break through- and I have to believe it IS coming!
    I am absorbing everything on this site and am often overwhelmed but cannot seem to stop. I so want to be FREE and am thankful for you Darlene and all for being here..you all are instruments in helping me to move out of the fog. -Thank you.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th April 2013

      Hi C
      It takes time so hang in here! Hope for healing was the first key for me and I try to pass that hope along here.
      Thank you for sharing. I am really glad to see you reading the older posts and seeking info to help move yourself out of that fog! What happened to you was wrong and knowing that what happened to me was wrong is what helped me to find peace.
      Hugs, Darlene

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