Adult Victims of Child Abuse Still Need to be Heard

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misuse of power “Child abuse damages a person for life and that damage is in no way diminished by the ignorance of the perpetrator. It is only with the uncovering of the complete truth as it affects all those involved that a genuinely viable solution can be found to the dangers of child abuse”. Alice Miller ~ Banished Knowledge ~ facing childhood injuries

Lately I have been writing a lot on the subject of dysfunctional family systems. I feel like I am just getting started when it comes to sharing about some of the things that were so dysfunctional in my own family. The dysfunctional mother daughter relationship I had with my abusive mother was only one part of it. I had an emotionally unavailable father as well. There was sexual abuse and physical abuse. I was not heard or even seen as a child ~ as though I was not really a person yet. And that “non person” fact seems to be at the root of everything; the discounted voice and disregarded feelings of the child. We live in a whole world of adults who have not been valued as children but who are expected to function properly in spite of that.

When I was “in the fog” which means not understanding exactly why some of the details about these situations were wrong, but having this “feeling” or suspicion that they were wrong, I could never put all these “facts” together and therefore I was never able to see the real truth. When I first started this blog “Emerging from Broken” I was afraid to share too much, I thought it would turn people off.  I afraid that I would be seen as a whiner, that I would be seen as someone who was “stuck in the past” and unable to “get over it” and that I was somehow deficient in putting the past behind me, EVEN though I already knew that the way that I recovered was by facing the past, realizing the lies verses the truth and changing my false belief system, I was still scared of rejection and of being unheard and misunderstood. (because that was ALL I knew!) I was afraid that I was “wrong” even though this truth was what set me free. I was especially afraid to talk about the dysfunctional mother daughter relationship stuff and dysfunctional family stuff.

In hopes of contributing to the “greater good” of mankind, I pressed on and took the “risk” of being pooh poohed and even rejected, because deep down I believed that others could relate and that I could make a difference with those people.  I figured I would deal with the rest when it came up.

I was also afraid that people would write comments sticking up for the abusers and controllers.  I lived in a world for such a long time where the abusers were protected and the victims were to blame, that it took a long time to sort it all out.  Kids like me were raised with an “unquestioning respect” for authority. Half the problem with my recovery was that one issue! I could not go against that deeply ingrained teaching especially when it came to my parents. I still feared the same consequences that I feared when I was a child. I feared that I would die if they rejected me.

I was pretty confused. It isn’t that we don’t live in that same world now but the difference is that I no longer believe that abusers SHOULD be protected and I no longer discount myself.  I do not acknowledge that false system anymore. It is backwards and I am not afraid to speak out against it.

There is no excuse for devaluing a child; there is no excuse for mistreatment, there is no excuse for abuse. And respecting authority that is causing harm against children and causing them lifelong damage, is insane. I don’t want to live in that insanity anymore.

The world has to realize that children are born totally innocent and are born equally HUMAN with equal value and equal human rights. Children are not property; they are not objects. The damage done to them is NOT imagined by the child and it is not forgotten by the child. Even if the child blocks it out, the damage is there, lurking and festering and causing all sorts of problems and struggle for the person that it happened to.  It is not okay because it happened “in the past”. It is not excusable. The abusers ARE the ones who are accountable for that damage; the guilt and shame belong to them and the only way for an adult child who grew up with abuse to overcome the belief system that manifested because of that mistreatment is to realize that first of all, it really happened no matter how many times we have been told that we dreamed it up or exaggerated it and then secondly to understand that as a child, we were powerless and have NO responsibility for what happened. Those two things set me on the right road to emotional healing.

And I needed to talk about it. I needed to be heard, but not by the abusers.

I had no idea that the more I shared about this kind of family system dysfunction and confusion the more popular my blog would become. My mother daughter dysfunctional relationship articles have been read thousands of times. They rank very high in search engines and are among the most read blog posts here in EFB. There is a reason for that.  I found out that millions of people struggling with depression, addictions, post traumatic stress, self harm issues, dissociative identity disorder and many many other issues also struggle with this same confusion around the dysfunctional family system and the accepted protection and “respect” for the “authority” who is so often the perpetrator of abuse and emotional mistreatment instead of regard for the child victim.

But WE were those child victims…and we still need to be heard.

Please Share your thoughts.

Exposing Truth, One snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Shanyn Silinski published a great poem (click title)~ “How Many Stand Silent” on her blog Scarred Seekers

Please click on any of the highlighted titles to read those posts and or to follow the links to Alice Miller and her book “Banished Knowledge ~ Facing childhood injuries”

 

 

118 response to "Adult Victims of Child Abuse Still Need to be Heard"

  1. By: dot Posted: 10th March 2015

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I find the worst part is societies opinions once you break the connection with your parents. 15 years of marriage to a wonderful man and I still feel worthless. If I had not broke the connection there is no way I could function as an adult. My parents were verbally and physically abusive and as hard as I tried to “let it go” as everyone tells you to, the more I felt my emotions and health were spiraling out of control. I honestly don’t think I would have even had the strength to disconnect if it were not for my loving husband. I still have triggers that cause anxiety attacks that I don’t quite understand but I am hoping little by little to eventually become whole. I pray for peace for anyone going through this.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th March 2015

      Hi Dot
      Welcome to EFB ~ I have found that really healthy people understand why this happens. I said to someone once “oh so you think I should have let her continue to treat me with total disrespect?” The woman I was speaking to turned beet red. When people don’t understand, that is about them, not about you. When I became strong and confident in my decisions, people reacted differently to me.
      I am glad you are here!
      hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Anonymous Posted: 23rd January 2014

    I am seeking justice. I want admittance, and acknowledgement of what happened to me while I was in protective custody. I am using the handle anonymous because this is private and in a just world would only be between myself and the justice system.
    Here is a link to where I started posting what I remember as it comes up. It cycles, I recall then lose it and it comes back with more or less info the next time round. If you read it you will understand why. I was ECT’d a lot and drugged a lot to both damage my mind and destroy my memory of the abuse.
    It took place in the 60’s and foster care went on into 73. The parts I never remembered until being triggered to in fall 07 are the time I spent at the Shelter. Until I started to remember my life of continuous memory had always begun on the day I was taken out the front door of that hospital they used in A Beautiful Mind. It was sometime in spring 68.
    http://www.topix.com/forum/city/belleville-nj/TV02FNMT3GE8K208B

  3. By: Janine G Posted: 7th October 2013

    Oh my gosh, people still pooh-pooh my experience, I would say 90 percent of people I share my story with. It is so painful.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th October 2013

      Hi Janine G.
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken, glad you are here!
      hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Rob Posted: 2nd October 2012

    Ok. I am a 41 year old survivor of childhood abuse both sexual and harsh psychical beatings at the hands of my father. I went to my mom at the age of 9 and told her of the abuse and out of fear and shame asked that she not tell anyone. She didn’t , and shame on her. I have forgiven her and made reasons up to forgive her my whole life trying to justify why she did nothing. 4 years after telling my mother my father again tried to introduce himself to me expressing his attraction to me in words. It was the last time I ever saw him. I wasnt 9 anymore, I was whole 13 years old and he wasn’t going to be allowed to hurt me anymore unless his plan was to kill me. In fear of being outed by me he went to my mother and outed himself and begged for her forgiveness. Little did he know he didn’t have to she already knew for the past 4 years and didn’t do anything because a 9 year old asked her not to.
    My sister took on the role of parent in the heat of the moment and called the police and demanded he leave. He left that night. A legal action was never taken. I never received treatment. I live out the rest of my teen years using drugs and drinking drowning out reality. Fuck all authority teachers, cops and god I hated them all.
    I do not know how I survived those years but I did. I graduated from school and went on to start a small business and had and have a great wife and 2 sons that mean the WORLD to me. I was good!
    I thought I was good. My is a bit of a nosy body, a gossip a very curious woman. The other evening she googled his name and very little information came up besides a couple of real estate transactions with his name and another guys name that were also tied to a business name. After 28 years of burying my childhood this sparked my interest. I wanted to know if he had stolen someone identity or if he was a big old fag. Sorry to offend any fags out there but I deserve to use this word to describe this abuser. After a 10 minute search into this guys name, business and property that tied them together, bam! A picture of the 2 of them smiling together on a business Facebook page. Shit, he is a fag. Ok my father that melested me as young child is now a fag. I dig deeper, only to find nothing on my father in his own name but his partner seems to be a self proclaimed artist / educator. What the! They are running some kind of great non profit origination that deals with art and educating disadvantage children. What the!
    So all my fellow abused friends I have spent 3 sleepless nights and horribly long days soul searching. 1 picture has surfaced and now my life needs to be turned upside down. I need to stand tall and face my shame, fears and anger and somehow figure out how to get authorities to investigate these guys and I do not know how. My worst fears maybe true. What are these fags posing as? Is this business some type of sham? Have they hurt any other children? How do I bring these guys down? Will the authority listen to my story and start an investigation?
    I was finally OK and now I am faced with as an adult what I couldn’t face at 9. I hate my mom for the moment for not doing what I believe I need to do now. After 3 sleepless nights and 28 yrs of this fucker living his life in freedom it is time for him to pay. I moved on and now I am forced to try to do something to bring this guy to justice not for me at this point but to protect who ever maybe in harms way and for those that may have been harmed. I have never shared this story with anyone but my wife and immediate family. Please give me the strenght to disrupt my life and somehow figure out how to bring this guy to justice. Thanks for listening

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd October 2012

      Hi Rob
      Welcome to EFB ~ Thank you for sharing your story.
      I can relate to your pain, what a horrible thing this is that happened to you. It is terrible that this happened and that you were unprotected and he was set free. Remember that this is not YOUR shame. He put that on you. Even your mother by not reporting this herself has contributed to the problem and put shame on you. You are the innocent here. In this process don’t forget to put your healing first. Your strength will increase as you heal and it will serve you well if you decide to report.

      I admire your drive to see this monster brought to justice. I fully support you in whatever you decide to do. I am very concerned about why a child sexual abuser is running some sort of organization for children; that is a huge red flag!
      Hugs, Darlene

      p.s. About the word “fag”. I understand your pain and anger and your reasons for wording your comments the way that you did however we do have gay people here reading and contributing to this website. Child abuse has nothing to do with homosexuality and I really want to gently ask you that in the future you please consider the way you word things. I would not want other readers here to feel ‘abused’ by the way share because what happens is that a discussion (or fight) breaks out about the way you worded things instead of about the crime (crimes) that happened and nobody gets any farther ahead. The last thing I want is for the healing process to be inturrupted by something like that!

  5. By: Vanessa Roemers Posted: 18th September 2012

    @ Karen Ranes
    I wrote a comment but did something wrong. I so feel you cause I haven been feeling the same for years and i did not understand what was wrong with me. i kept on hearing the same words over and over from people also but those words did not help me. Untill last year God started with a deep deep inner healing of my soul. People could just not understan why I became the person I became even I did not understand myself anymore but God knew and He knew I needed my soul to be healed, my wounds t be healed, bad childhoodmemories to be erased. And He started this journey together with me, from the day before I was even conceived until now. He knows I need this healing in order to be restored to the person He created me to be and no human being can fix our souls except for the One who created us.And I can tell you that he is an expert in healing your soul, heart and brain i am really amazed cause it’s all just happening at home and I call them Holy Spirit surgery’s from my soul, heart and memory and the Lord is doing it!! No it’s not always fun cause a lot of grieve, pain in involved but the Father is so very patience, tender, full of love and compassion. He’s doing what no human being could do for me through prayer, talking whatever and people notice the difference…I am amazed but so very thankfull I am not there yet but we are going through the last part of the inner healing and I believe that the Lord wants to do the same for you as He’s doing for me

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th September 2012

      Hi Vanessa
      I fixed the comment (where you used Karen’s name by accident in the comment form) before I published it so don’t worry. Both of your comments are there now.
      Hugs Darlene

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 20th September 2012

      Hi Everyone!
      I have published a new post. Today I decided to publish an abusive comment in the body of a new article. I get comments like this once in a while and today I decided to use it as an example of how and why people try to make us shut up about the past. Here is the link to “People who try to silence victims interfere with emotional healing”
      https://emergingfrombroken.com/people-who-try-to-silence-victims-interfere-with-emotional-healing/
      Looking forward to the conversation!
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Vanessa Roemers Posted: 18th September 2012

    Karen Ranes
    I soo feel you I’ve struggeld with the same issue for over years,but over the past months i came to realize that I needed a lot of inner healing, in my heart, my soul and childhoodmemories. People kept telling me the same over and over but I just could not do it it was not that I did not want to I just couldn’t. But the wonderful part is that the Lord knew and saw my struggle al those years. He knew why I had become the way I was and for over the past year He started a deep inner healing, deep hidden wounds, hidden memories, feelings of rejection, abadonment,not being loved, not being heard, not being wanted, not being seen, not being accepted for who you are and on and on. I did not knew I needed so much inner healing, that my heart was so deeply wounded. But He started a journey of inner healing together with me from the day before I was even conceived until now. Karen God knows you and He’s the only one who’s been there all the time and I believe He will do the same thing for you as He is doing for me right now, inner healing of your soul. If you ever need someone to talk to pealse feel free

  7. By: Karen Ranes Posted: 18th September 2012

    Vanessa said:
    The fight against the feelings of rejection in friendships is the one I struggle the most right now. Yes they always know when to find me when they are in need but where are they when I need them?

    I too am hyper vigilant when let down or when I feel disrespected by friends. I always expect that treatment from my family. That is the way I have always been treated. Per the friendships, I don’t know if its that I just expect too much? I have a couple of childhood friends and a more current one. All decent and kind. I have
    trouble knowing how to “fit in” as a friend without being too forceful.
    As a teenager I was so desperate for approval I tried to force people to like me. I tried to force people to love me. They ran the other way. I felt so unlikeable and ugly. I am older and wiser now and no longer do that. I guess I never learned how to relate normally to anything. I was so brainwashed by my N father and kept in ignorance by my uncaring mother.
    I’m told to go out make friends, join activities, get happier. But when you don’t know how to “fit in”
    how do you do that? I have read books, but all those little social mannerisms are awkward to me.
    When you feel like an outcast and try to join and feel ignored, it just brings back all those bashed
    expectations from childhood when it was so very important to be liked.

  8. By: Adriano Posted: 27th June 2012

    Adults who were abused as children, specially in countries where
    Violence and beating a child was or still is a common practice
    Like some countries in Europe of today and south America must beguine with
    Facing the issue cristal clear, when the perpetrators are still alive
    The best therapy in my opinion is just confrontation. Not looking for
    Someone to blame but simply create an atmosphere that permits
    Perpetrator and victim face each other , make it clear that a
    Profoundly dramatic event occurred and creating the grounds
    For the not so easy forgiveness and reconciliation.
    For that to occur both most be intellectually and spiritually capable to
    Deal with pain , hate, rage, many tears, recognition of the wrong doing
    And then eventually forgiveness or at least a closure to a chapter of horror

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 27th June 2012

      Adriano
      Why no blame? I didn’t need to look for someone to blame, I HAD someone to blame. My parents didn’t want to talk about it, they wanted to deny it and blame it on me.
      So why is reconciliation or forgiveness the goal? And if both are NOT spiritually capable to deal with the pain, then what??
      This website is about a different way to get closure.
      Please feel free to express your experience with how YOU have found your freedom.
      Darlene

  9. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th June 2012

    Hi Whispersfrommyheart
    Yes, we have to keep speaking out. This is life changing stuff! Healing is not going to happen when we shove everything under the carpet and farther into the dark.
    Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: whispersfrommyheart Posted: 10th June 2012

    Darlene;
    I know what you mean! When I wrote my book, the first negative comment said to me was, “This sounds like a ‘Woe is me’ book.”
    Man, did he have it wrong! So many people have told me they have been helped with what I wrote (even though it isn’t written very professionally), lives and hearts are being changed.

    We have to keep speaking out, no matter the naysayers and poo pooers, because there are too many people who need to be told they are worth so much more than what they have been taught through their circumstances!

    Thank you for being a voice~!

  11. By: Peggy Posted: 16th February 2012

    I think I must at this point admit out loud that my biological parent abused me. I was beaten and have old scares and broken bones to show for it. I was told many times that I and I alone did it to myself. I have in these past 7 years faced my parents and the psychological games and I have cried so many time and hated so many time. I think I have been facing my demons–remembering and trying to justify so much. Child abuse is a ripple affect this is what I have seen while facing them and memories. When I filed, as a child, child abuse charges on them, I started something I never thought would ever happen. I found some faith and hope in the twelve steps even though I am not a victim of alcohol related events or drugs. I am truly a broken person. If you know of a support group in Central Oregon would you please tell me.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th February 2012

      Hi Peggy
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken.
      I don’t know of any in person support groups, but I am sure that if someone else does they will share let you know. Meanwhile we have a fairly large community here if you want to keep sharing. This whole site is about facing the truth about being devalued, abused, etc. and overcoming the lifetime effects of it.
      Thank you for sharing part of your story here,
      Hugs, Darlene

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